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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my BIL to take DS's present back?

95 replies

AKMD · 15/12/2011 12:49

DS is 21mo. BIL has bought him a quad bike for Christmas. He phoned me just after he bought it and said that he'd got it even though he knew I wouldn't like it. I don't like it. We don't have space for it, we don't live close enough to a park for DS to be able to get much use out of it and I really don't want to set a precedent for buying expensive presents for DS when we made it clear to family last year that we are in favour of keeping presents simple.

This isn't the first time this has happened. Last Christmas FIL called me to say he was thinking of buying DS a sit-in baby walker. I said thankyou but we had looked into baby walkers and didn't want one for DS because of xyz reason. He bought it anyway and brought it round and was then offended when DH asked him to take it back. MIL called me earlier this year to say she had bought DS a ride-in car. DH asked her to take it back for exactly the same reasons as we don't want the quad bike.

I feel awful keeping on asking the ILs to take presents back as I was brought up that you receive any presents gracefully, no matter how awful you might think them, and that it is bad manners to do anything else, but I'm also feeling quite cross with BIL for knowingly putting us in this situation again. MIL has already told me not to tell him to take it back because he's so excited about giving it to DS but I feel that they are completely disregarding our wishes in favour of making a big show. If DS gets it BIL will want to see him on it and ask about it over and over. AIBU to ask him to take it back?

OP posts:

oldmerryolesoul · 15/12/2011 13:56

I think if people want to but large toys of this nature then its polite to ask the parents if is suitable. My Mum has a habit of buying 'big' things for DS before he's ready for them. She bought his trike and before he could ride it properly (he was very small and couldn't reach the peddles) had already bought him a bike and I admit was pissed off as I wanted to buy his first bike. My brother also bought him a quad bike before he was two, and of course he abandoned the trike that he still couldnt ride for the easiness of the quad grrr....

Cherriesarelovely · 15/12/2011 14:02

OP YANBU. It is really foolish to purchase a huge, inappropriate gift like this for someone elses child, for a variety of reasons. I think you ought to stick to your guns. After all he already said "you wont like it"! It's like he is doing it to annoy you!

BlueFergie · 15/12/2011 14:17

YANBU OP. I don't think that some people on here appreciate the space issue at all. We live in a small three bed terrace with a tiny back garden, which has a miniscule shed. My BIL did something similiar and bought a motorised car for DD last year. It was very generous present but a huge bulky thing. Which (according to the instructions)could not be left outside. It didn't fit in the shed without ditching out everything else in it. We couldn't bring it to the park without putting down the back seats on the car (and therefore taking out the car seats). Our garden is so small she couldn't drive it around in a cirlce without hitting something. She moved it forwards and back a few times in the sitting room and after that it sat in our sitting room for months. Eventually we moved it out to my folks house. They have a huge garden and all the grandkids got use of it there. It is very frustrating when people don't think of the suitability of such big presents. In a small house storage is a contstant problem.

springboksaplenty · 15/12/2011 14:27

I'm sorry but this isn't an unexpected gift from someone who out of the blue has bought a ridiculously large present. This is a guy who rings up afterwards saying he's bought a present knowing you won't like it/have room for it, having previously bought ridiculously large presents which you didn't like/ have room for and having them returned.

Come on, all those who say accept graciously or stop pfb, are you saying you honestly would store all these big unusable presents just to be polite? Personally I'd be getting pretty bloody annoyed with my family for constantly ignoring both mine and my husbands wishes.

Alligatorpie · 15/12/2011 14:31

I would tell them thank you, but as you have no place you store it, he will have to keep it at his place. He might realize how unsuitable a quad bike s then.

Floggingmolly · 15/12/2011 14:55

If he said he got it "even though he knew you wouldn't like it" I'd shove it up his arse, to be honest.

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 15/12/2011 15:02

On the day BIL brings it round, suggest HE takes your DS out to the garden to play with it. Maybe then he will see how little space you have, and re-think his idea of a 'suitable' present.

IReallyHateMyCat · 15/12/2011 15:03

Why buy something you know the parent won't like? And why get arsy when they dont like it?

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 15/12/2011 15:03

Oh and maybe ask BIL if they sell waterproof covers for it, as the only place it can be kept is out of doors, and therefore will be open to the elements?

IReallyHateMyCat · 15/12/2011 15:08

oh and what kind of fucking idiot buys a quad bike for a baby anyway?

YuleingFanjo · 15/12/2011 15:14

"I'm sure your Bil just wants to spoil your ds"

I think that something happens to some men when there's a child in the family. They buy stuff they would like themselves but without any understanding of what it's actually like to be a baby/small child. This is why my BIL has bought my 1 year old a remote controlled car. No doubt DH and BIL will play with it the day it arrives and then it will be packed away until ds can enjoy it. No stress for me as I assume it will be fairly small, not like a quad bike which is A) dangerous and b) huge!

Pandemoniaa · 15/12/2011 15:25

It's not unreasonable to ask people to be realistic about the presents they buy. It's totally unreasonable of them to say they'll buy unrealistic presents anyway!

We lived in a very small terraced house when dcs were little and had to take into account the practicality of otherwise lovely presents. The same is true so far as my dgd is concerned and everyone in the family asks ds2 and ddil before delivering huge and possibly unsafe gifts. Surely that's what anyone with an ounce of commonsense would do?

There's more than just the present at the root of the OP's problem though. Her BIL is clearly playing some sort of unpleasant power game of his own and while I'm not normally someone who advocates an argument, I think the time has come to be tough and say that the quad bike is unsuitable and won't be used. It'd help if her DH backed her up on this too so they can present a united front.

StuckInTheFensAwayFromHome · 15/12/2011 15:29

I really liked someone elses suggestion - accept the gift but exchange it (sell it on ebay) and tell BIL that you did it - even though you knew he wouldn't like it...
I would probably temper it by using the money for something appropriate for your DS and let BIL know what it is and how much more your DS loves the new appropriate gift...

BettyCash · 15/12/2011 15:36

OP while I appreciate this is annoying, all you have to do is take it and get rid. Your ILs know their presents are unsuitable, and would be naive to think that you'll tolerate them beyond Boxing Day. You win this one!

TandB · 15/12/2011 15:36

YANBU

If your ILs keep deliberately going against your stated wishes AND buying things that they know perfectly well are going to give you difficulties in terms of storage space, there is clearly more going on than just wanting to spoil your DS.

No normal, considerate person would insist on buying a gift that is going to cause massive problems when they have been specifically asked not to. Gifts are for the recipient to enjoy, not for the giver to impose his or her own wishes and views.

No-one would think the ILs would be reasonable to turn up with a shetland pony or a great dane for the OP's DS, so why is it acceptable for them to turn up with something else that they have no space to store and no place to use?

I think you need to be quite blunt about this - he has deliberately ridden roughshod over your wishes so I see no problem with approaching the issue head-on and telling him that no, you don't like it and won't be accepting it and you are puzzled about why he has taken this approach.

MabelLucyAttwell · 15/12/2011 15:42

Is your BiL hoping that he will be able to call round and take DC out on it himself?

Cassettetapeandpencil · 15/12/2011 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime · 15/12/2011 16:21

I've got 3 kids (the oldest a teenager) and I would it the roof if someone got them a quad bike, even if we could store it. And all three have been quad biking, but on properly organised courses with lots of safety equipment etc.
YANBU

BlissfulMistletoe · 15/12/2011 16:34

yanbu, you have no where to store it.....end of.

but the steps are not an issue, because i would of thought being 21 months you supervise him around steps any way

HoHoOpotomus · 15/12/2011 16:40

Don't feel bad. They ask your opinion in advance if the gift, you give it, they ignore you and give it anyway, you return gift. Makes sense to me. Perhaps he can store bike at his house ?

lljkk · 15/12/2011 16:43

Just it up on Ebay, no? Feelings spared & if he asks where is it? say it got trashed or nicked.

lljkk · 15/12/2011 16:43

put, even...

zipzap · 15/12/2011 16:50

Tell him that as long as you can store it at his house and come around to play on it safely at his house that's fine but that you don't have space for it at your house so not to bring it at all on xmas day as it would be cruel and mean to show it to your ds and then all he will be allowed to do is to look at it, you will not let him ride it as it is unsafe for him at the moment and there is no space for it. tell him you'll wrap up a nice book or something so that he can give something to your ds to unwrap but that it isn't coming into your house.

then sit back and watch the fireworks on christmas day as he tries to bring it in and you refuse to let him whilst you admonish him that you told him this is what would happen, it's his own silly fault if he can't understand simple english!

slavetofilofax · 15/12/2011 16:55

I really can't understand why peopel are saying you are pfb

What's PFB about having no space to store something you don't want or need and will rarely, if ever, get used?

I would accept it for the sake of Christmas family harmony, suggest that MIL and BIL take ds into your garden to use it when it is given while you make a cup of tea or something. Then when they see how unsuitable it is, they will not be surprised when you tell them you have sold it on ebay and bought something that your ds will actually use.

Also, sit in baby walkers are the work of the devil, and anyone that has used them while thinking they are harmless should probably get a podiatrist to check the structure of their childrens feet, and should also be aware that they probably delayed their child's ability to walk.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/12/2011 17:01

I think its entirely up to your bil if he wants to waste his money. If he is going to spend his money on something that you have categorically told him will not get used then that is up to him. I would also tell him that it has to be kept at his house for visits there if you definitely don't have a garage or shed to dump it in and forget about.

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