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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want XH to have his girlfriend to sleep over while our kids are at his?

69 replies

MixedUpKitty · 15/12/2011 11:06

We've been split up for nearly 2 years, definitely permanent, mostly amicable these days.

Kids are nearly 4 and 18 months. They generally spend 3 evenings / nights a week and 1 day at the weekend with him and 18mo DD sleeps over once a week, otherwise comes back to me as she BF at night and is attached to me after she's been away for a night.

XH has been seeing his girlfriend for over a year and she lives abroad. They see each other a few times a year - she comes over here to stay with her parents for Xmas.

I know she's been introduced to the kids as daddy's 'friend' but as she's not around much I don't see any point confusing them with the idea of daddy having someone else sleeping in his bed. DD sleeps in XH's bed when she stays and DS regularly comes into bed with XH (they were sharing a room till he moved house last week).

I hate the idea of DS waking in the night and finding a woman he barely knows in bed with daddy - or if he knows she's there of him being in bed with them if he wants a cuddle - or being sent away, because that's not what he's used to.

If she was local we would have had to deal with this already but as there is no talk of her moving here I don't see why she has to be there overnight when the kids are

AIBU?

OP posts:
GrownUpBelievesInSanta · 15/12/2011 11:08

I think after a year of seeing each other it's up to him whether or not he introduces the children to her.

OldeChestnut · 15/12/2011 11:08

his decision

scurryfunge · 15/12/2011 11:08

Well, you are being a bit U. You will have to accept his way of parenting and trust that he deals with it well.

Original poster
MixedUpKitty · 15/12/2011 11:09

Introducing isn't the issue - its about sleeping arrangements!

OP posts:
OldGreyWassailTest · 15/12/2011 11:09

Yes, sorry but YABU. You've both moved on, and she is part of his new life. If he cares about the children I am sure he will be mindful of their feelings and will handle things sensitively. You cannot dictate what he does, nor he you.

squeakytoy · 15/12/2011 11:10

YABU.

What would happen if you have a relationship. A year is not a quick fling, and I assume she is the only person he is seeing.

If he was to tell you he couldnt have the kids because she was coming over, then you probably wouldnt be happy.

Gonzo33 · 15/12/2011 11:13

I agree with everyone else I am afraid.

KatAndKit · 15/12/2011 11:14

Yes, I think you need to stay out of it. If it was a different woman every month it would be different. But he has moved on and found a new relationship and you will have to accept that. You have no right to tell him who sleeps where in his house. If he told you that he wasn't happy with a new man sharing your bed, you would quite rightly tell him to mind his own business and not stick his beak into your sex life.
Perhaps this relationship has become more serious than you know and he want the kids to get used to the idea of her being around more?

ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 15/12/2011 11:15

Sorry, YABU.

DingDongDialsMavislyOnHigh · 15/12/2011 11:16

Yep sorry YABU, the relationship sounds pretty permanent. Although if I was him I would have her stay but not in the same bed the 1st few times to get them used to her being there over night

niceguy2 · 15/12/2011 11:18

YABU. You don't have to like it. Suck it up.

If you've been seeing a guy for a year, would you accept your XH demanding he didn't sleep in your bed because he didn't like the idea?

The whole confusing is rubbish. I hardly think your children will confuse her for their new mum or anything. They probably won't even think anything of it.

BlueFergie · 15/12/2011 11:20

YABU. He is their parent as well and seems to be a very involved one. You have to trust that he has the kids best interests at heart. Of course you can discuss it with him and let him know your concerns but you can't dictate what he does in his own house. Equally anyhting that is agreed now in relation to his new patner and the kids will have to apply to both of you.

Original poster
MixedUpKitty · 15/12/2011 11:24

I'm quite surprised at all this, considering the infrequent nature of her contact with the kids.

I will have to try to discuss it with him but unfortunately one of the reasons for the split was communication issues and he will still blank me / walk away from a conversation if he doesn't want to talk about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MixedUpKitty · 15/12/2011 11:25

Oh and I'm probably being unreasonable about this too but I wouldn't have a man in my house when my kids were there until they were very used to him being around in other situations

OP posts:
KatAndKit · 15/12/2011 11:28

I don't really think it is your place to discuss his sleeping arrangements with him. His sex life is not your business.

You would, however, be within reason to have a nice chat with him about the girlfriend. The sort of chat that says, ooh I see you have been together quite a while now, how lovely, but could you tell me what you have told the children so they don't get mixed up if you have introduced her as a serious girlfriend and I am just referring to her as a friend. That said, the children are young enough to probably not be in the slightest bit bothered by it all.

ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 15/12/2011 11:29

You really can't stipulate who stays at his house or where they sleep. You'll sound controlling and a bit deranged. Honestly.

kidsinamerica · 15/12/2011 11:37

YABU.

Your house - your rules.

His house - his rules.

It's not for you to decide how he approaches the kids and his new relationships - no matter how much it makes you uncomfortable.

wannabestressfree · 15/12/2011 11:39

I have learnt from experience that how I feel may not be reflected by my xh but I know he is a good father and I can't control what he does all the time. I think you need to trust you xh .......... maybe instead of being funny about her staying ask him what he would do if the children came in the room? Its probably in everyone's interests to stay civil............

oldmerryolesoul · 15/12/2011 11:40

Nothing to do with you at all. How would you feel if he tried to tell you the same ?

I will have to try to discuss it with him but unfortunately one of the reasons for the split was communication issues and he will still blank me / walk away from a conversation if he doesn't want to talk about it.

Your not with him now, and you cant control him

OrmIrian · 15/12/2011 11:43

yes yabu.

His decision not yours. I could understand you might feel unhappy of she was the latest in a series of 'aunties' but she isn't. When would you feel happy about this? After 18m, 2 years? Never?

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 15/12/2011 11:52

YABU I know it's hard when it's your children but you cannot dictate to him what happens when the dc are with him. My ex tried to dictate to me what was to happen when I first introduced my now dh to the children in fact he still expects my whole life to be an open book to him yet doesn't expect to have to tell me anything even the important stuff.
You have to just bite your Tongue I'm afraid and actually the fact that your children are so young makes the situation a bit easier. They have no real idea about the ins and outs of adult relationships so are less likely to find the situation awkward.

slavetofilofax · 15/12/2011 12:37

It is his descison, and as a parent he has every right to decide who the children see when he gets time with his children.

As long as she treats your children well and you know their Dad loves them and will always consider their feelings, then the GF staying over will not do your dc any harm at all.

porcamiseria · 15/12/2011 12:40

yabu

xyfactor · 15/12/2011 12:44

His decision and nothing to do with you unless their is a clear and present danger.
YABU

DoMeDon · 15/12/2011 12:49

YANBU to not want him to have her overnight when the DC are there. DC should only be introduced to a new partner if it is a long term commitment and then slowly. Like you I would not introduce my own DC until we were 'living together/marriage' type serious and then it would be many days out before nights.

Unfortunately you cannot make him act appropriately in this situation. You just need to say what you think and your reasons why and let him act accordingly. He sounds like a good parent and has regular contact so you will have to accept that he views it differently. FWIW DSD and I have shared a bed many times- she comes to me for cuddles more than DH- and we have a lovely relationship. Hopefully if his GF is a long term partner, your DC will build a relationship with her which is beneficial to all of you.