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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want XH to have his girlfriend to sleep over while our kids are at his?

69 replies

MixedUpKitty · 15/12/2011 11:06

We've been split up for nearly 2 years, definitely permanent, mostly amicable these days.

Kids are nearly 4 and 18 months. They generally spend 3 evenings / nights a week and 1 day at the weekend with him and 18mo DD sleeps over once a week, otherwise comes back to me as she BF at night and is attached to me after she's been away for a night.

XH has been seeing his girlfriend for over a year and she lives abroad. They see each other a few times a year - she comes over here to stay with her parents for Xmas.

I know she's been introduced to the kids as daddy's 'friend' but as she's not around much I don't see any point confusing them with the idea of daddy having someone else sleeping in his bed. DD sleeps in XH's bed when she stays and DS regularly comes into bed with XH (they were sharing a room till he moved house last week).

I hate the idea of DS waking in the night and finding a woman he barely knows in bed with daddy - or if he knows she's there of him being in bed with them if he wants a cuddle - or being sent away, because that's not what he's used to.

If she was local we would have had to deal with this already but as there is no talk of her moving here I don't see why she has to be there overnight when the kids are

AIBU?

OP posts:
catsmother · 15/12/2011 12:55

If she lives abroad then yes they might see her infrequently but that's kind of irrelevant to the issue of her sleeping over. If it's a serious relationship and she's the only woman they ever see staying the night then it really doesn't matter if it's once every few months or whatever ... in fact, you could argue that because she lives abroad, it's actually allowing your ex to spend more unadulterated time with the kids. That's not to say he's not in a serious relationship though - and though they're young, it's normal and healthy for the children to see their (separated) parents in serious relationships, and behaving naturally as couples in serious relationships do. I don't understand why they'd be "confused" at the idea of "someone else sleeping in daddy's bed" ? ...... as far as you know there isn't anyone else sleeping in his bed ... so it'd be a case of when so and so comes over, she stays with daddy because she's his girlfriend.

I obviously don't know if this is the case, but when I got together with my DP and eventually stayed over after meeting DP's kids a number of times, he got a load of abuse for daring to have "another woman" in his bed etc etc etc. Apparently, this made me a whore. Which was nice. And DP was utterly irresponsible for "confusing" them blah blah blah. By that stage, they'd been split for 3 years so it was totally ridiculous, and I was DP's 1st and only girlfriend since the split so he'd hardly been putting it about. Quite why his ex objected so much I have no idea but it smacked more about her having her nose put out of joint than about any genuine concerns for what the children thought. And they thought nothing .... because it was normal.

shinyrobot · 15/12/2011 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shinyrobot · 15/12/2011 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

samwellsbutt · 15/12/2011 13:28

yabu, its not your place. he waited a decent time before introducing her to the kids he hasnt even introduced her as his gf yet so you would assume that if she was staying over when they were their steps would be taken to insure that things were kept innocent looking. would you be complaining if it was just an actual friend of his, nope. and just as in that situation you would have no right to its his house he can have who he want to stay over.

minimisschief · 15/12/2011 13:34

On the other hand what do you think you would do if you had someone staying at your house

they live with you so what are your plans for when you get a new premanentish guy. You would either have to never live together or send the children somewhere which is utterly bonkers

Olderyetwilder · 15/12/2011 13:38

I think you just have to see this as an inevitable next step and come to terms with it. It won't do the children any harm to see Dad in a loving relationship, any more than it will be harmful when you meet someone special and make that move

waitingforchristmas · 15/12/2011 14:17

Hang on you have been split up for 2 years? He has a girlfriend that he has been seeing for over a year? I don't understand the problem. Lets say he decides to propose to her and get married what are you planning on doing then? I know you'll refuse to let him see his children, isn't that what most women like you do? Honestly he's moved on maybe you should try to. I'm guessing and this is just a wild stab in the dark that you are more concerned about your children having another woman in their life than anything else. I take it you are the slightly possesive, controlling mother/partner, i think you must be if you are still breastfeeding an 18mo but that's beside the point. I know your type you would get along famously with my ex, he thinks he can behave exactly the same way. A word of warning however be very careful how you proceed, your ex , after all is your childrens father his opinion is as valid as yours you are in no way "the better parent". If you want to do right by your children then treat him with the respect he deserves as their father and do the same for the woman he has chosen to be with. If you attempt to meddle you will only damage your relationship with your ex and conseqently risk damaging your relationship with your children. It is very dangerous ground you are walking on with comments like that because and i speak from experience it can turn into something else entirely.

KatAndKit · 15/12/2011 14:20

Wow I think that was quite nasty and uncalled for. It is hard for people to know automatically what the right thing to do is with regards to new relationships, and she was only asking! At no point has she threatened to withdraw contact or anything like that.

So to say you "know her type" is very unpleasant and not at all necessary.

NeuromanticisedVisionsofXmas · 15/12/2011 14:22

Would you ask him before having guests in your home?

GypsyMoth · 15/12/2011 14:23

Yabu and have no leg to stand on with this one!

brandysoakedbitch · 15/12/2011 14:24

Oh Dear YABU. Your ex has no right to tell you how to live your life and you have the equivalent right over his life. They have been together a while and it is not unreasonable for her to stay. Children are very adaptable and honestly unless she is going to beat them with a stick what harm could it do? How long before you think it appropriate for her to stay? You are going to have to suck it up, making an issue of it will do more good than harm

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 15/12/2011 14:24

Suck it up, OP. It isn't any of your business and if you say anything to your XH you are storing up trouble for yourself and your DC in the future.

Also, and this is a more general point: it is not harmful for DC to see their parents having overnight guests and actually quite good for them to learn that relationships do not have to be longterm, that people have different ways of living, and that parents' friends should be judged on whether they are nice or not, rather than how committed to heteromonogamy they are.

StaceymAloneForver · 15/12/2011 14:25

YABU, sorry there's lots of things as seperated parents (both mothers and fathers) that we do not agree with when the dc's are with the other parent. Absolutely none of our buisness though unless it endagers our children in which case you should go to court over contact due to your childrens safety. If things do not endager them, although you don't like it you have to lump it! Trust your XP that he would not want to harm your children in any way.

waitingforchristmas · 15/12/2011 14:25

Oh and on the note of them being "confused" my 2 year old who is product of my previous relationship is in no way confused by my relationship with my new dp. (Well i say new dp we have been together for 2 years and had a little boy earlier this year.) In fact he loves my dp and his new little brother they get along wonderfully. My ex is in a new relationship, i have not met his new girlfriend but i know she has contact with my son. I personally have no problem with this. I trust my ex's judgement as much as my own, after all we are both parents what he does in his private time is no concern of mine as long as my son is well and happy. As far as i am concerned he is a good father and adores his son i honestly couldn't ask for more.

FoxyRoxy · 15/12/2011 14:29

Considering how much time they spend at his place they must have met her several times, she's not a stranger. Plus, kids that age have no idea adults do anything else in bed except sleep so it's not like they're being subjected to anything that's going to confuse them.

Yabu.

waitingforchristmas · 15/12/2011 14:33

I don't think that was harsh. Based on what the op said in the inital post she sounds very much like my ex. He has basically made the same arguments with me in the past and did at one point try and stop me from seeing my son because we bought a puppy for him. The intial post did come across possesive and controlling and quite frankly sounded to me like she was basically saying, shall i stop my ex from having his kids this weekend because he has a girlfriend staying over? Or am i the only one who caught a whiff of that overtone?

Original poster
MixedUpKitty · 15/12/2011 15:26

Strangely, waiting, your post has made me feel better because you've clearly read a whole load of stuff into my post that wasn't intended.

I wouldn't 'stop' XH having the kids - I was asking for opinions on my feelings on the subject and tbh I expected people to say I couldn't do anything about it, but not that it's none of my business! As far as I'm concerned if XH had concerns about people staying at my house, I hope he would voice them, but as I don't have time to meet anyone it's not an issue! I do think he would have a right to at least know when someone is staying at my house so he would know what DS was talking about.

Oh and of course breastfeeding my 18mo old must make me a controlling parent!Hmm. And are you imagining that I am doing it against the wishes of XH? What do I get called for bf my DS till he was nearly 3? Grin Oddly, in that I've always had his full support.

I will bear in mind the overwhelming consensus on this thread when I try to bring it up with him though.

OP posts:
waitingforchristmas · 15/12/2011 15:38

I didn't mean you were doing it against his wishes, that wasn't my point at all. It just that it seemed from your intial post that you were perhaps a tad overbearing when it came to your children. My ex is the same he can't bear to think that his son has a whole other life that he is not included in and therefore makes inappropriate remarks and asks questions that quite frankly are none of his business. Oddly enough he still gives my 2 year old formula in a bottle so you have similarities there as well i guess. I imagine he would breastfeed him if he could.

Pandemoniaa · 15/12/2011 15:45

In this case I think you are BU. You've been apart for quite long enough for your ex to form a serious relationship and I think you need to accept this and realise that you cannot dictate what he does in his own home.

If he were bringing a constant series of women home for one-night stands while your ds was staying with him, you would have grounds for complaint but, given the circumstances, you need to step back and accept it is not your business.

In any case, I doubt your son will be the slightest bit bothered to discover that your ex's new partner is around at breakfast time!

HoHoOpotomus · 15/12/2011 15:53

sorry but YABU for all the reasons listed above.

niceguy2 · 15/12/2011 15:55

Well when I first split up with my ex, my kids were almost the identical age as OP's. She moved out and I had the kids for the first four weeks to give her time to "settle in".

The first night the kids went to stay at her place, her new boyfriend was also there and stayed in her bed too. Whilst for me it was clearly a kick in the bollocks, the kids didn't seem confused at all. They're fine and well adjusted. A few years ago I had a series of relationships and my kids met a few of them and they stayed over not long after. Again there's no lasting problems and my kids are not confused who their parents are, nor has my DD hasn't turned into some brazen hussy.

Like I said, usually it's more a problem for the parents than the children. Suck it up and get on with it. Trust me, there are bigger battles to fight further down the line.

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 15/12/2011 16:07

I wouldn't even bring it up with him: you are finished with him, you get no say in his new relationships except in cases of danger, in which case there should be legal recourse rather than nosy enquiries into his sex life. It honestly is NOYB.

Beamur · 15/12/2011 16:12

YABU - you can't dictate whether his girlfriend stays over or not, but you could ask how we will handle the sleeping arrangements as you don't want the kids to be upset. They do need to get used to the idea that Daddys friend is his girlfriend.

waitingforchristmas · 15/12/2011 16:17

I have to be honest i can't imagine he is going to set up the camera and give the kids front row seats, (if that is what you were worried about.)

troisgarcons · 15/12/2011 16:22

There was a smilar thread last night but slightly reversed (mum with a BF sleeping over and children not wanting to go to bed) and I pointed out that until the children knew the new person it was perhaps inappropriate and got a stern telling off because everyone has the right to a sex life (regardless, apparently, if the children are in the house or not).

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