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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want XH to have his girlfriend to sleep over while our kids are at his?

69 replies

MixedUpKitty · 15/12/2011 11:06

We've been split up for nearly 2 years, definitely permanent, mostly amicable these days.

Kids are nearly 4 and 18 months. They generally spend 3 evenings / nights a week and 1 day at the weekend with him and 18mo DD sleeps over once a week, otherwise comes back to me as she BF at night and is attached to me after she's been away for a night.

XH has been seeing his girlfriend for over a year and she lives abroad. They see each other a few times a year - she comes over here to stay with her parents for Xmas.

I know she's been introduced to the kids as daddy's 'friend' but as she's not around much I don't see any point confusing them with the idea of daddy having someone else sleeping in his bed. DD sleeps in XH's bed when she stays and DS regularly comes into bed with XH (they were sharing a room till he moved house last week).

I hate the idea of DS waking in the night and finding a woman he barely knows in bed with daddy - or if he knows she's there of him being in bed with them if he wants a cuddle - or being sent away, because that's not what he's used to.

If she was local we would have had to deal with this already but as there is no talk of her moving here I don't see why she has to be there overnight when the kids are

AIBU?

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 15/12/2011 16:24

What will the new sleeping arrangements be? If dd is to start having to sleep somewhere other then his bed you/he may need to start introducing her to the alternative before the gf starts staying.

KatAndKit · 15/12/2011 16:26

If it is a stranger that the kids have never met then of course it is weird if they are still there the next morning.

If it is someone you have had a relationship with for the past year, then I don't see how it is so inappropriate. it is not just some woman he has picked up the same evening in a nightclub.

I think the same is true no matter which way round it is.

NinkyNonker · 15/12/2011 16:27

And Waiting, what an odd attitude you have to natural term breastfeeding.

exoticfruits · 15/12/2011 16:28

It is hard, but you have no control and can't expect to. If you look at it the other way, you would hate your ex stipulating what you do, or don't do.

overmydeadbody · 15/12/2011 16:36

Agree with everyone else, YANU.

It won't confuse your kids in the slightest. Kids normalise what they see, and especially what their parents do (that doesn't harm them). A 3 yr old and 18 month old are not going to think anything of it.

overmydeadbody · 15/12/2011 16:37

and waiting, there is nothgin wrong with Bfing till 18 month or older. It doesn't make you a controlligg or unnatural parent.

Original poster

MixedUpKitty · 15/12/2011 17:00

Its not at all about her being around, but that they've met her once and that they are used to being in their Dad's bed, and I don't know how they will deal with someone else being in there. As much time as he spends with them, I do know my kids best and while they are very open and affectionate with close friends and family, they are very reticent around people they do not know well, and they do not know her well. I've avoided asking XH how serious his relationship is because I do not consider that side of it any of my business, except where it affects the children, even though I would feel a lot more relaxed about it if I knew she was going to be a permanent, regular fixture for them. - If visits go as they have this year, they won't see her again until at least easter!

I guess with all this in mind I shall just ask him how he will deal with it when DS wakes up in the night / for the one night a week he has DD and hope that he deals with it sensitively (which is not his strong point unfortunately) - time and playing, great - awareness of their emotions, not so much.

I'm finding this very hard, because in every other respect with the children we communicate a lot. We do manage to parent well together generally, because we'd both like as much consistency as we can manage. I think I might be better off posting in Lone Parents to ask how the hell people deal with all this.

OP posts:

StaceymAloneForver · 15/12/2011 17:07

tbh i think the only way you can approachthis is as 'when/if she stays over where will dc's sleep/what will happen if ds wakes and wants to be in your bed'

as it really is none of your buisness if she is there or not.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 15/12/2011 17:11

YABU.

Unless you want him to dictate your sleeping arrangements etc, then I believe you have to trust him to look after his own children as he sees fit.

ChristinedePizanne · 15/12/2011 17:27

Having been in the position of the girlfriend, the kids fairly often came into the bed when I was there and it didn't seem to confuse them. We always wore PJs if the kids were there if that is what your issue is.

Beamur · 15/12/2011 18:00

Also having been the girlfriend in this situation - the kids were 7 and 9 and did not come into the bed when I was there - their choice, but I'm relieved as I think I would have found it incredibly awkward.
A chum of mine is the 'boyfriend' of a woman with kids and her kids and him get on great and have always been happy to come in for a snuggle with Mum when he is there.
As your children are so much younger, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask your ex how he will handle this situation.

Shutupanddrive · 15/12/2011 19:40

Yabu

waitingforchristmas · 16/12/2011 08:59

I didn't mean that there was anything wrong with extended bf at all. I was simply drawing comparisons between my exs behaviour and the ops. I'll put it another way, if i went to the gp with a rash the gp wouldn't automatically think there was anything serious. However if i then said i was feeling tired, sick, had aching joints and a sensitivity to light he would probably disgnose meningitis. So my point being that on it's own extended bf or bottlefeeding is not wrong however combine it with the ops initial post and it takes on a different appearance entirely.

waitingforchristmas · 16/12/2011 09:02

I bring my 2 year old into our bed when he is having night terrors and in no way is he confused by my dp in with me. I don't think children will read too much into to be honest at 18mo and 4years i think you are setting far to much store by their powers of deduction.

waitingforchristmas · 16/12/2011 09:04

sorry it should have been "far too much store"

zest01 · 16/12/2011 20:39

YABU - he has a long term relationship and his gf lives abroad. The DC will either have to get used to her staying over gradually, ie every once in a while or, one day, they may decide it's serious enough to move in together and suddenly she will be sleeping there all the time.

Sooner or later your ex is going to want to have a serious relationship with someone (ie living together) and it may or may not be this girl and maybe so are you and there is always going to be the "first time" they wake up with another adult there. Yes, ideally it will be someone they see all the time but if she lives overseas how are they supposed to manage that without it all becoming massively complicated?

For what it's worth I was a single Mum now remarried and my new DH was a good friend before we got together and my DC had sen him lots and lots and knew him well. The first time he stayed over, despite us thinking we were managing it well, my eldest DS TOTALLY freaked out. He ran from the room sobbing and was very upset........for about half an hour.

After that, he was fine and now we are married and have more DC. Kids can and will adjust - sometimes the parents find it less easy to and I think this is YOUR issue really and althought it must be hard knowing they are all there together, find a good friend with big shoulders to cry on and let them get on with it.

anneatkins · 16/12/2011 20:43

I would say that how you feel is a bit U, but I do understand it.

Even though things are over, you still are beholden to one another till the kids grow up - and your kids are your most precious connections in your life.

So with someone from elsewhere only in now and then, I can see where you might feel uncomfortable and even a bit threatened.

Instead, a good thing to do might be to meet/have dinner with the Ex's new chick, and get a feel for how you think of her?

You might just like her and feel OK about thing after....

It is though, perfectly reasonable to feel a bit "Eeeek!" about stuff like this, even if who your ex has round is his own choice.

Best wishes and a hug!

Veda · 16/12/2011 20:46

He's in a LTR. Don't embarrass yourself by speaking to him about this. It's not your business.

thefudgeling · 16/12/2011 21:18

ok, YANBU to feel how you feel, but YABU to think that you can have any control over this. He is their parent and makes his own decisions on how he brings them up. And the kids will be fine.

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