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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect kids to keep their hands to themselves?!

123 replies

crapistan · 15/12/2011 10:53

Over the last week, I've had a kid of about 6 poking at my cellophane-wrapped chicken on the conveyor belt in the supermarket while queuing to pay. Her mum said nothing, and when I told her not to touch please she looked at me and carried on until I physically removed her hands.

Then my friend's 5 year old kept picking up my nice and fragile Christmas candle holders, despite being told several times to leave them alone.

Then....at school I had to supervise a group of 5 and 6 year olds for about 10 minutes who WOULD NOT leave the Christmas tree in the room alone. They started taking all the decorations off and seemed very affronted when I told them to put them back and NOT TOUCH THE TREE! (Apart from my dd who would not have dared and would not have been suprised to be shouted at if she did!)

My dcs are not angels by any means but they know they are not allowed to touch everything! AIBU to expect kids of this age to be able to keep their hands to themselves? Or am I stricter than most about this?

OP posts:
Esta3GG · 15/12/2011 13:23

Hecate - no I wasn't reversing it.

I was saying that my friend's daughter has done nothing TO anyone and yet the children in her class still "blame" her for smelling of curry. It is the little racist gits who are the ones feeling aggrieved - they are the ones who are "offended".
You don't have to DO anything in order to be blamed by someone.

If we have a culture of pandering to everyone who claims to be offended or unhappy then we are in danger of heading down a very dark route indeed.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 15/12/2011 13:28

But I am only talking about situations where someone has 'done' something and that you can't decide how someone feels about what someone has actually, physically done to them. Like poking something.

People have the right to feel how they feel about other people's actions towards them, that is my point.

What you are talking about is something else entirely. You are talking about predudice making people be cruel. Not someone feeling a particular way in response to actual actions of others towards them.

MabelLucyAttwell · 15/12/2011 13:29

I was in my GP's waiting room not so long ago with about 7 (or so) others waiting. A young couple came in with two toddlers of different ages perhaps 2 and 3. The couple sat down and just chatted together. The two children didn't go to the toys. They just ran round and round shouting and screaming at the tops of their voices while chasing each other. The parents did nothing.

We don't know why people visit their GPs. People could have been there for just a check up or it could have been recovering from something serious or a dreadful headache caused by an eye problem - anything. After about 10 minutes, of the parents doing nothing, I exploded quietly and when the children ran round to my side, I said simply, "Will you please sit down like everyone else?" They did but my God the reaction of the parents was phenomenal. Why can't I shut the f... up - and a lot more. "They are only children". Thank God I had a magazine to bury myself in! By the time I got into my GP's room, I was shaking and had to tell him why. If he wanted comments from the others in the waiting room, records at reception would have told him who they were. But it won't stop me.

Original poster
crapistan · 15/12/2011 13:31

folkgirl that's so sad the girl's mother wouldn't let her dd admire the baby. Sad

Esta I think I see what you're saying - that it's only a small step from that situation to being able to say you're offended by the way someone looks, for example. Is that what you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
crapistan · 15/12/2011 13:34

Mabel in that situation I would have asked the receptionist to tell the parents to keep their children quiet. Doctor's receptionists are usually pretty fearsome!

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 15/12/2011 13:37

but that's a totally different thing I'm so confused

See, to me, those things are in different 'boxes', iyswim. The one is one situation and the other a totally unconnected type of situation requiring a different response. I truly, genuinely, honestly don't see how the two connect.

I am not being difficult and I accept that esta is probably chewing through her keyboard in frustration Grin but I can't relate the two, because they are different intentions, different circumstances. I can't relate prejudice to reacting to what someone has actually done to you.

Original poster
crapistan · 15/12/2011 13:43

I don't have it all worked out. It's interesting though. I wasn't expecting such a good discussion tbh! Now really want to work out why the chicken prodding was so annoying.

OP posts:
MabelLucyAttwell · 15/12/2011 14:01

crapistan
"Now really want to work out why the chicken prodding was so annoying."

Because it was food in an extremely thin wrapper. Because it was not the child's. Because the parent did nothing to stop the child interfering with someone else's property. Because chicken is not cheap (well I don't think it is).

bruffin · 15/12/2011 14:10

Agree with Mabel why it was annoying.
I was in tesco once when a little boy discovered the meat aisle and went round poking a hole into every meat packet he could reach. I did bring his mother's attention to it and thankfully she stopped him.

Firawla · 15/12/2011 14:12

can not believe someone is justifying the child prodding the chicken!!! fred how can you say "oh how dare you tell them off they are not doing anything wrong" of course touching someone else's things without permission is wrong! i would have thought that is clear to anyone.
if your child does this the correct thing to do is tell them to stop. if they dont stop you then pick them up or move them so they cant do it again (although my oldest is 3.. so tbh maybe cant pick up a 6 yr old sized person? not sure..) and apologise to the chicken owner! basic manners..
op you did nothing wrong there but the mum should have done all that herself
my dc do try to touch things quite a bit, but as i said the oldest is 3 so im hoping they will have stopped by 6! i do tell them or move them away every time, and i really dont think they would go for someones shopping

Cherriesarelovely · 15/12/2011 14:16

Totally agree OP. I have just had the most enormous falling out with friends of mine after I finally challenged them about their children's behaviour when at our house. They are rude, demanding, tantrummy and don't listen when you say no but instead ignore me or whine. I am absolutely sick of it, even if they are friends of my DD! My DD wouldn't dream of behaving like that in her own house let alone someone elses. Anyway, apparently my expectations are unreasonable and I am unkind because one of them is unhappy at school. Diamondback hits the nail on the head.

lljkk · 15/12/2011 14:20

You just aren't scarey enough, OP. Some people could have got those kids to stop touching with just the right withering look.

himynameisfred · 15/12/2011 14:24

Cherriesarelovely,

so glad that your child acts perfectly.
How nice for you.

Throw in some behavoural issues AND your friend telling you she's sick of your rude child, then see if you're still so confidently ignorant in your expectations.

Original poster
crapistan · 15/12/2011 14:28

Agree with reasons why it was annoying, but more than any of those I just felt really strongly "you don't NEED to be touching that!"

Firawla glad you agree!

Cherriesarelovely I've had similar issues with one of my friends (the one with the boy who loves my candle holders...) and it causes real friction. I'm trying to meet up with her more without our dcs. I'm always waiting to see what he will go for next - he is one of those kids who doesn't play with toys but touches everything else - and she is very slow to stop him touching anything. I think she doesn't mind what he touches in their house but whenever I go there something else has always been broken! She tends to half-heartedly sing-songy tell him "leave that please darling", he ignores her then usually I take away the item and he frowns at me a lot. When he was younger he would lie on the floor and scream but he never did that when his mum wasn't in the room....Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
crapistan · 15/12/2011 14:29
OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 15/12/2011 14:32

fred I think you're starting to take people's comments about their own circumstances a bit too personally Confused

Some children really are just badly behaved through poor parenting. There are people we won't have in our house because we don't like the behaviour of their children (and in some case the parents too!).

In fact, we have a child with diagnosed behavioural issues in our wider family and, of him and his siblings, he's the only one we can tolerate having round here. He needs certain things to be in place and he's fine. The others are just naughty.

Not all children have SN. And to bring SN into the discussion everytime someone mentions naughty children just perpetuates the myth that things such as autism and ADHD are down to bad parenting. Because in some cases of 'bad behaviour', bad parenting is the cause!

TroublesomeEx · 15/12/2011 14:33

I hope that makes sense!

Floggingmolly · 15/12/2011 14:45

God, Hexagon she'd have moved a lot quicker with your boot up her arse! How could you not say anything? I wouldn't have been able to see for the red mist in front of my eyes. Must look into that anger management course...

4madboys · 15/12/2011 14:52

my children are always told you look with your EYES not your fingers and told not to touch, esp when out and in shops!

i would have told the child not to do it and moved the item if they had persisted.

nativitywreck · 15/12/2011 17:14

I tell off other peoples kids all the time. Not in a shouty way, but if I come accross one doing something they shouldn't and no adult is intervening, then I will.
The other day I chastised a group of 13 year old boys who didn't let me step out of the bakers before they all piled in.
I only raised an eyebrow and said "that wasn't very polite, was it?"
And they said "sorry" in their growly squeaky voices!

By rights I should have been knifed!Grin

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 15/12/2011 17:45

Haha nativity I do that too, especially to groups of teenagers. Can't help myself

amicissima · 15/12/2011 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElizabethDarcy · 15/12/2011 18:57

I am gobsmacked at kids that age not listening... I have 3/4 1 and 2 yr olds every day... am a CM... my tree, with lights and within reach of the kids, has not been touched ONCE by them.

Why? Because I explained to them that they can look at the tree (and we discuss what's going on on it etc.), but they must not touch. Quite simple really. House rules. Boundaries.

It's easy to see a child that is allowed to do exactly what they like at home. Parents are doing them no favours.

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