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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect kids to keep their hands to themselves?!

123 replies

crapistan · 15/12/2011 10:53

Over the last week, I've had a kid of about 6 poking at my cellophane-wrapped chicken on the conveyor belt in the supermarket while queuing to pay. Her mum said nothing, and when I told her not to touch please she looked at me and carried on until I physically removed her hands.

Then my friend's 5 year old kept picking up my nice and fragile Christmas candle holders, despite being told several times to leave them alone.

Then....at school I had to supervise a group of 5 and 6 year olds for about 10 minutes who WOULD NOT leave the Christmas tree in the room alone. They started taking all the decorations off and seemed very affronted when I told them to put them back and NOT TOUCH THE TREE! (Apart from my dd who would not have dared and would not have been suprised to be shouted at if she did!)

My dcs are not angels by any means but they know they are not allowed to touch everything! AIBU to expect kids of this age to be able to keep their hands to themselves? Or am I stricter than most about this?

OP posts:

himynameisfred · 15/12/2011 12:43

You said you tell strangers children off, and even remove their hand.
I can understand if they're harming you, or ripping your bread apart, but how is poking a chicken going to do any harm?

Original poster

crapistan · 15/12/2011 12:44

Well then it's like someone already said - the parents' responsibility not the child's. As far as possible I do expect parents to stop their kids touching my stuff.

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 15/12/2011 12:44

So then fred if you heard someone politely asking your child to stop doing something (because not everyone will know he has autism and everyone has a right to have their personal space, self and belongs respected) and this alerted your attention to it, would you then try and distract him or just tell the other person to "fuck off"?

TroublesomeEx · 15/12/2011 12:45

belongings

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 15/12/2011 12:46

my children both have autism, him

I wouldn't allow either of them to prod other people's stuff. And if that meant they had a meltdown, so be it. They have to learn, just like everyone else.

Part of what we have to teach our children - more so than parents of nt children - is appropriate social behaviour. We can't afford the luxury of letting them poke and prod and whatever "because they're autistic", because we have a duty to teach them the rules if they are to stand a chance of some measure of independence.

Imagine when they're 20 and in the supermarket and they are poking away and the items of the person in front of them. Imagine the reactions of people to that.

Such behaviour isn't tolerated and we do our children a disservice if we don't teach them, as far as it is possible for them to learn, the social rules. The social dance, if you like.

See, out there - the big bad world - they don't care. The world won't just accept our kids touching and prodding and yelling and spinning. It should, but it won't. And so we have to teach them how to get by in a world that won't forgive them their weirdness.

himynameisfred · 15/12/2011 12:46

you should have moved your children, not the childs hands.
Because you don't know that child.

himynameisfred · 15/12/2011 12:46

My son would be horrified and probably start wacking his own hand screaming if a stranger touched him.

himynameisfred · 15/12/2011 12:47

your children chicken

TroublesomeEx · 15/12/2011 12:47

But if someone was poking my chicken (or whatever) and I didn't want them too, I would expect to be able to ask them to stop and I would expect the parents to support this.

If you're happy to have your food (or whatever) messed about with by a stranger, that's fine, but you can't expect everyone to feel the same.

I think it's fine to smile and make a comment about how it feels, but it is also appropriate to ask a child to stop and to expect their parent to support this.

Original poster

crapistan · 15/12/2011 12:48

I said at the beginning that some people would come on here and say what's the problem, the child didn't break anything, but it's an invasion of privacy too.

OP posts:

Indith · 15/12/2011 12:48

My dcs are 5 and 3. Both have always, always been told that we don't touch. We don't touch in shops unless we are buying we only touch if it belongs to us, when mummy says don't touch she means it, we do not ever pick flowers or leaves from plants unless we are going to use them for food (we like to forage a bit). You get the picture. (Obviously they have all their own things, lots of playdough, lots of cooking and baking where making a mess and touching is encouraged.). Anyway the big one has always been really good and apart from the occasional experimental breakage where he really wanted to see "what happens if..." he has kept his hands to himself. The small one is a nightmare. She touches everything. She pokes shopping, she grabs off shelves, she strokes random strangers because she wants to feel their coat or hair, she picks flowers from gardens, strips my pot plants so I have only stalks left. She obviously finds it a lot harder to control her impulses than her brother. I tell her not to, I stop her when I catch her but what else can I do?

PresentsRibbonsAndMerrySantas · 15/12/2011 12:49

i have a ds with sn and he touches things and fiddles, but if he was to touch someone elses things or shopping i would tell him not to and move him if i had too, last resort would be to tell him if he carried on the lady would tell him off, that would work, but all of my dc's sn or not would freeze on the spot if told off by a stranger, but then they would not poke someone elses shopping, they know better.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 15/12/2011 12:49

oh, and if something bothers other people - then it is causing harm. We can't decide what other people should and should not be bothered by. If it is a problem to them - it's a problem. If they don't like something - it's a problem.

So if someone prodding at the food they are about to buy is a problem to them - it's a problem and we shouldn't say that they should accept it. For any reason.

TroublesomeEx · 15/12/2011 12:50

I wouldn't touch them though.

himynameisfred · 15/12/2011 12:51

how about 'don't poke that darling' and moving the chicken?

The thing is strangers don't know how to deal with all children.

I would clearly say 'no that's not ours' and pick up the chicken and move it back if he carried on.
If a stranger told him off and touched him I'd be pissed off massively.

Esta3GG · 15/12/2011 12:53

We can't decide what other people should and should not be bothered by

That needs qualifying though otherwise we have nothing but pandering to intolerance.
The children refusing to sit next to my friend's daughter because she "smells of curry" for example.

Original poster

crapistan · 15/12/2011 12:54

I only moved her hands away. After she refused to stop touching. I wondered if she didn't understand, but I think she did judging by the defiant look on her little face.

OP posts:

LadyBeagleBaublesAndBells · 15/12/2011 12:56

I'm curious about your nn OP, and also your references a couple of times to cultural differences.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/12/2011 12:56

I would clearly say 'no that's not ours' and pick up the chicken and move it back if he carried on.

But Him, the other mother didn't do anything like that, did she. So it was left to the OP. OP, I would have done the same as you and expected the other parent to step in, SN or no SN.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 15/12/2011 12:57

Both my dc are fiddlers, perhaps it's just a nervous habit, but they still do it at 11 and 6 despite being reminded often to keep their hands away from things which are messy, fragile or just tidied or sorted out! My mum calls dd a 'firkler'. I do think my 6yo would possibly attempt to poke someone else's shopping, but I would definitely stop him!

Original poster

crapistan · 15/12/2011 12:58

NN from a funny sketch I once saw.

OP posts:

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/12/2011 12:58

Sorry, should qualify that. I would have spoken to her calmly and politely byt firmly, but I don't think I would have moved her hands. I would have asked the mother to do that. My DCs are both NT, but they wouldn't like to be touched by a stranger really.

TroublesomeEx · 15/12/2011 12:59

Exactly, Avon.

Fred what would you do if upon moving the chicken, the child just started fiddling with/prodding something else?

CinnamonStar · 15/12/2011 12:59

If you don't like strangers telling your child off, or touching them (and it is perfectly understandable if you don't), then you need to protect your child by stepping in first, anticipating behaviour that is unacceptable to others, and dealing with it, so the "stranger" doesn't need to. Which is not what the mother of the child in the OP was doing.

Original poster

crapistan · 15/12/2011 13:00

I don't suppose she liked having her hands moved, but I didn't like having my shopping prodded!

OP posts:

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