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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect kids to keep their hands to themselves?!

123 replies

crapistan · 15/12/2011 10:53

Over the last week, I've had a kid of about 6 poking at my cellophane-wrapped chicken on the conveyor belt in the supermarket while queuing to pay. Her mum said nothing, and when I told her not to touch please she looked at me and carried on until I physically removed her hands.

Then my friend's 5 year old kept picking up my nice and fragile Christmas candle holders, despite being told several times to leave them alone.

Then....at school I had to supervise a group of 5 and 6 year olds for about 10 minutes who WOULD NOT leave the Christmas tree in the room alone. They started taking all the decorations off and seemed very affronted when I told them to put them back and NOT TOUCH THE TREE! (Apart from my dd who would not have dared and would not have been suprised to be shouted at if she did!)

My dcs are not angels by any means but they know they are not allowed to touch everything! AIBU to expect kids of this age to be able to keep their hands to themselves? Or am I stricter than most about this?

OP posts:
Marymaryalittlecontrary · 15/12/2011 12:02

I can remember when I was 18 and getting some work experience at a school after A Levels. The children due to start in September came to visit and cupboards were opened, stuff strewn about the place etc. I was shocked because in my family children were not allowed to open cupboards without permission so I didn't know that other 4 year olds did this. I am no longer shocked by this behaviour - children are no longer taught not to touch things they shouldn't. Yes, fiddling is normal but I would not expect children to take things off a Christmas tree that's not even in their own home, particularly after being asked once to stop.

Original poster
crapistan · 15/12/2011 12:07

I agree Mary I do sometimes feel I am fighting a losing battle and trying to get my dcs to follow rules that no-one else around me seems to think are important. While I was supervising the children in school, I wanted them to stand fairly still, i.e. not run around or make loads of noise, but they seemed unable to do this. It was less than 10 minutes then they were being taken into the hall to see a show by other classes. Another mum came to get them and I told her I was trying to get them to stand and wait quietly but she just rolled her eyes and said "let me know when you find out how to do that...."

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 15/12/2011 12:16

IMO a lot of it boils down to over indulgent parents that allow their little darlings to do what they want, whenever they want, with no boundaries and no regard for other people.

I wouldn't say I am strict with my 3, but we do have firm boundaries. My 2 and a half year old DS kept fiddling with the Xmas tree when we put it up at the weekend, however after half a dozen times of "No, don't touch the tree", he stopped. If we hadn't of told him not to do it then he would still be doing it constantly now 5 days later and the tree probably would have been pulled over. Likewise when we go into shops, I don't allow my children to pick things up, they know that you look with your eyes in shops, not your hands.

One of DD2's friends' parents is very indulgent with her DD and allows her to basically rule the roost. I gave them a lift home from a childrens party a few weeks ago, and when I dropped them off I said i was in a hurry as we were going out somewhere. Her DD (6) then refused to get out of the car, and said she wouldn't get out until she'd finished reading the book she had been reading on the journey. Her mum just smiled indulgently and looked over to me expecting me to say it was ok but instead I said "Can you get out of the car please, we need to be very quick",and STILL the girl sat there. Then she started to climb out but it took her 10 minutes to climb out of a (very normal, bog standard) car (Not a jeep or anything high), and the mum just stood there smiling. No "Can you be quick, Hex is waiting" or anything like that.

So I can see really why lots of children these days do have a big sense of entitlement and think they can do what they like; because their parents enable it!

missboots · 15/12/2011 12:20

Shock at the nappy changing on the conveyor belt!!!

Oggy · 15/12/2011 12:21

My 6 year old son can't keep his hands to myself and I am forever having to get angry with him for touching stuff after I had just told him to leave it alone. In fairness it's like he doesn't even realise he's doing it, I don't think he means to be disobediant, it's like it's an itch he has to scratch.

I assumed it was an age thing TBH

GnomeDePlume · 15/12/2011 12:26

I feel your pain OP. Mine were brought up with the rule 'eyes not fingers'. Still use it now sometimes and DCs are secondary school age.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 15/12/2011 12:28

oh gawd, hex. That would have given me the red mist Grin how did you stop yourself directly addressing the mother and saying "Get her out of this car right now or I am driving off with her still sat there and you can come and fetch her from outside my house, where I'll be leaving her."

I'm actually pissed off on your behalf with that woman! Grin

Original poster
crapistan · 15/12/2011 12:31

I agree kids like to touch everything, of course they, but they can't, and I think if you start young then by 5 or 6 there shouldn't be a big problem anymore.

Hexagonal I've had those ones in my car too! One girl wanted to come in my car instead of her own when we were all heading out together, but then refused to put on her seatbelt and insisted her mum didn't make her. Her mum just stood there while she argued with me, and we were running late! In the end I'd had enough, and said "In the car seat, seat-belt on NOW, or you're not coming with me." She shut up and buckled up - problem solved!

OP posts:
himynameisfred · 15/12/2011 12:33

I don't see why you told the child not to touch and physically removed her hands, I think that was rude of you!

My boy looks about 6, and if he was doing absolutely no harm, by lightly touching a food product I wouldn't say anything.
Unless the child was actually destroying your food?

You shouldn't make assumptions about children 'just being rude'.

My son has Autism, and if tapping something and causing no harm means he's not on the floor kicking and screaming at you, then I'm perfectly happy.
You shouldn't tell other peoples' children off.

Why would you even touch someone else's child? unless they were causing you harm?
Just because they're annoying you?

Oggy · 15/12/2011 12:34

Crapistan - find me even a grown adult that doesn't have a quick dab with their finger when they see a "wet paint" sign. We never QUITE grow out of it...

TroublesomeEx · 15/12/2011 12:35

I think this has become a big problem because people babyproof their houses rather than house-train their children.

I agree. We didn't 'baby proof' our house, although we did make it child friendly.

On the other hand, other children in the family had baby proofed homes - including one where they removed cabinet door and drawer handles in the living room rather than teach their children not to open them. The children are now 5 and there are still no handles on side table drawers or the tv cabinet doors.

They don't like to say "no" so they either make it impossible for the children to do something they shouldn't; or turn a blind eye to their behaviour. This has resulted in several trips to hospital when, for example, one of them fell off the window sill when she was 14 months old after climbing onto it.

We have one bell decoration on our Christmas tree that the children were allowed to touch. They knew that if they touched any others the tree would go away (and it would have done!). But they touched/rang/played with the bell loads!

Hecate is right.

Gubbins · 15/12/2011 12:35

My five year old has a real problem when we're out shopping of wanting to touch everything on the shelves, and like Oggy's son, it seems to be a compulsion that she just cannot do anything about. I have tried everything to stop it, but it sometimes seems that it isn't her mind that is controlling her fingers and she can visibly be seen fighting the urge to touch.

But she would never touch someone elses shopping, would never touch an ornament in someone's home unless told she could, and would never open a cupboard without permission. There's obviously just something about the serried rows of objects on a shop display that she cannot resist.

himynameisfred · 15/12/2011 12:35

If you were reasonable you would have just said to the child 'that's a chicken, it does feel strange doesn't it?'
or something friendly.

TroublesomeEx · 15/12/2011 12:35

Oggy I don't!

Original poster
crapistan · 15/12/2011 12:35

Well, you wouldn't like me himynameisfred because I often do tell other people's children off. The girl did not need to be touching my food - why should she?!

OP posts:
Original poster
crapistan · 15/12/2011 12:38

And I didn't tell her off actually, I told her to stop touching, and I even said please. When she didn't stop, then I moved her hands.

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TroublesomeEx · 15/12/2011 12:38

himynameisfred I understand what you are saying about your son, but would you be happy with him prodding someone else's food? I don't let my children prod the food I'm buying, I don't think I'd let anyone else's!

Although I possibly would say something along the lines of 'that's a chicken, it does feel strange doesn't it?', I would also tell them to stop and expect them to do so.

Original poster
crapistan · 15/12/2011 12:38

Gubbins your dd will eventually get the message if you tell her every time she does it.

OP posts:
Esta3GG · 15/12/2011 12:39

Kids touch - it is what they do.
It is how they learn. It is called curiosity.
I agree with Hecate

Have to say though I would not have allowed my son to poke someone's stuff and I encourage him to be aware of "personal space" - which seems to be his school's latest fucking obsession. Hmm

himynameisfred · 15/12/2011 12:40

I'd tell you to shut the fuck up, if you told my child off when he'd done nothing wrong.
You're bloody ignorant for even thinking you know how to deal with other peoples children.
My son looks 6, like I said, and is at the mental stage of a 9 to 18 month old, and suffers anxiety and major tantrums, but he could stand there looking very normal, and you would take it upon yourself to give him a good telling off?? just for touching a food item on a conveyer belt?

How utterly ignorant are you, and rude.

Original poster
crapistan · 15/12/2011 12:40

But there are plenty of things they can and should touch, and they have to learn there are some they cannot!

OP posts:
nativitywreck · 15/12/2011 12:41

I got a dirty look from a woman in a chemist the other day when ds would not stop taking things off the shelves and I loudly told him (for the second time) if he didn't stop it he would have NO TELLY when we got home.

He stopped but the woman looked at me like I was eeeeviiil.

Original poster
crapistan · 15/12/2011 12:42

Oh good grief, how is saying "don't touch please" a "good telling-off"????

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himynameisfred · 15/12/2011 12:42

I would distract my child if I noticed.
Telling him off in a completely foreign language to him as he doesn't understand much verbal would just cause him a lot of distress and everyone within 100 metres of him.

TroublesomeEx · 15/12/2011 12:42

I've had parents tell me that they're glad the children have started school because now they will "learn to listen" and "do as they're told".

Erm no, you're supposed to start that at home. That's your job so that I can teach them other stuff. That's my job!

It's one thing establishing rules and boundaries but if children have never had them, or never had them enforced, it's a real battle.

If a parent finds one errant child a struggle at home, how one earth do they think I'm going to magically tame 30 of them?!!!