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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, a wanky Facebook wibu

55 replies

BuntyCollocksHasBigBaubles · 14/12/2011 15:26

I'm hoping I'm not too recognisable in this scenario if the parties in question mn as well, but I need some outside opinions.

Myself and the aggrieved party's (ap for future ref) close friend (cf for future ref) have been chatting on facebook about cf's pregnancy. At the moment, cf is the 5th pregnant woman I know. I posted a comment on a status of hers reminiscing how lovely it is to feel those little kicks and rolls.

I also posted my own status saying how happy I was for all the women I know who are currently pregnant, that I wish I was, too, as babies are great and I love my ds.

AP is having problems getting pregnant. This is not a recent discovery, and they are on ivf waiting list, thankfully going to hear about a first round very soon I hope - great news.

She is very upset about the conversations cf and I have regarding our children/babies/being pregnant. AP's husband posted a fb status which I know now relates to cf and I along the lines of 'people are insensitive and wrapped up in their own worlds'. He called my husband, and cf, to tell us both to stop posting anything along those lines on fb.

AP seems to have deleted fb as of today.

I feel AWFUL. I would never knowingly hurt someone, and I'm sure rationally AP and her husband know that, but was I being unreasonable having those conversations and posting that status?

Obviously going to be far more careful now in case I offend her DH who is still on fb (honestly, fb is the work of the devil and causes so much drama: we're all kicking 30 for gods sake).

OP posts:
SayYuleNowSayWhipTheReindeer · 14/12/2011 15:29

FB is the work of the devil.

Worry not. Whatever you post on there is bound to piddle someone off. I go on it as rarely as possible.

SayYuleNowSayWhipTheReindeer · 14/12/2011 15:29

Piddle??! FFS. Piss someone off.

Blush
JjandtheBean · 14/12/2011 15:29

She should hide posts, I have insensitive bitch of a sil who's still excessively boasting about her pregnancy despite knowing my baby just died and I've been in hospital, so I've just hidden all her posts, no one gets offended that way.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 14/12/2011 15:31

AP is being ridiculous. Because she is having issues does not mean the world has to stop talking about babies or being happy about pregnancies.

SayYuleNowSayWhipTheReindeer · 14/12/2011 15:31

Oh and YANBU / YWNBU. It's horrible for your friend, AP, but it shouldn't preclude anyone else from enjoying children/conception etc.

SayYuleNowSayWhipTheReindeer · 14/12/2011 15:31

Jjandthebean - Sad I'm so sorry. {{hugs}}

Sirzy · 14/12/2011 15:32

This is the problem with fb you get an insight into people's lives even if it is stuff you find upsetting for personal reasons. It's unfair to expect people not to post things though, but at the same time it can be hard for the aggregated party to be rational in such a situation. But as long as you weren't deliberatly rubbing her nose in it (im not saying you did!) then you haven't done anything wrong and her not being on fb for a while may be the best idea.
I am sure when she is pregnant she will discuss it with people!

MerylStrop · 14/12/2011 15:33

You weren't being unreasonable.
and AP has done the right thing to step away from something that is upsetting her.
I'd ring her up and make sure that she is ok though

knockneedandknackered · 14/12/2011 15:36

sorry to here this i deleted my accounti know you can put your settings to private but it still scares me to post anything.

YuleingFanjo · 14/12/2011 16:18

having suffered from infertility myself I can understand that facebook updates can be upsetting, I used to click to hide the status updates of those people who were pregnant. However I think it's a bit out of order to tell someone else what they can or can't post.

You can set your settings so that both her and her husband won't see your status updates and so on (Though why this should be your responsibility is beyond me) which may have helped before but clearly it's too late now.

What was the tone of her husband's posts? Did he 'tell' you to stop or just ask you to be more considerate?

You know what I would do? I would link to this which specifically refers to infertility and facebook and post some aknowledgement that not everyone is as lucky when it comes to pregnancy.

I agree that AP is doing the right thing to step away from something that is clearly upsetting her.

YuleingFanjo · 14/12/2011 16:19

ps, Since I had my baby by IVF I have posted a lot about my baby, sometimes I forget that other people are not so lucky.

DeckTheHallsWithPopcornMice · 14/12/2011 16:21

YANBU but she INBU either. It is a hard thing to hear, day in day out, when you can't have your own :(

KatAndKit · 14/12/2011 16:26

It's one thing posting a few pregnancy updates and the odd scan picture. People who are having difficulties (I've been there) may find them upsetting but people do have babies and it is to be expected.

Whole public conversations are a bit rubbish though. Facebook does have a private chatting facility where you can have your conversation as much as you like without others reading it. But if it is just the odd wall post and status then unfortunately she and her husband are being very unreasonable. It is hard to be happy for others when you are grieving what you don't have, but it is not acceptable to expect no news of babies to ever cross your path. It is better that she stays away from facebook if it is so upsetting for her, but I don't think passive agressive posts about people being "wrapped up in their own little worlds" are very pleasant either.

On the other hand, sometimes people do need to stop and think and not update the world about every last detail of their pregnancy.

WilsonFrickett · 14/12/2011 16:26

When we were ttc every pg announcement felt like a knife twisting in my side. But that was my problem, not the people who were announcing their pgs. It sounds like ap is doing the right thing in distancing herself (and remember, it might not just be you and cf who were baby-chatting, there could have been other friends as well and it might have just been too much), but actually I don't think you were BU. I'd drop her a wee card myself (but how old-fashioned!) to say you're sorry for any hurt caused and you are thinking about her and IVF appt.

Hugs to JJ, I am very sorry for your loss x

Gonzo33 · 14/12/2011 16:29

FB is the devil incarnate. YANBU but I can see why they were upset

hanaka88 · 14/12/2011 16:33

I have a little boy who has asd but was first being investigated for a serious brain condition that my friends little girl died of. He doesn't have it, my friend says she really loves hearing updates about DS. I love hearing updates on my friends NT children even though DS will never achieve what they can. I don't see why you can't be happy for other people.

NoseyNooNoo · 14/12/2011 16:42

YANBU but it sounds like you are being tactless and AP's DH is protecting his wife from that lack of tact. Whilst you have every right to discuss these topics, it might have been worth considering how the comments might be received.

Your friend must have been really upset if she has deleted FB and her DH has posted what he has.

Original poster
BuntyCollocksHasBigBaubles · 14/12/2011 16:42

Thanks all.

Yuelling, the telling us to stop wasn't a post, it was a phone call, firstly to cf, and then to my husband.

I think I may drop her a card (thanks Wilson!), and apologise again.

Kit - Definitely not whole public conversations, just one reply to one status, showing, (I think!) solidarity, and a status of my own. A public convo wholly on the merits of pregnancy would most definitely be insensitive!

Again, thanks everyone. I'm glad I've not been a total unfeeling bitch.

OP posts:
NoseyNooNoo · 14/12/2011 16:43

We cross posted. Doesn't sound like you were being insensitive. I hope you can make it up with your friend.

TotemPole · 14/12/2011 16:44

You can't stop people talking about babies and pregnancies. But would you talk about it in real life, in front of her? If you were being considerate then I don't think you would. So why chat online in front of her. Isn't there a way to have conversation with cf in private?

Ap would have to read the posts before hiding them, or block the whole person? Is that right?

Eglu · 14/12/2011 16:51

You were not being insensitive at all. I think if you are going to write a card I wouldn't be apologising for the comments, just apologising for her being upset by them.

lazydog · 14/12/2011 16:54

So if (hopefully, when) their IVF is successful, are they never going to post anything about their new arrival just in case there's someone on their friends list who's struggling with getting pregnant but hasn't made it public knowledge...??

To be honest, I can kind of see their point about your more general status update because you knew about your friends' (AP's) situation, so a public update like that was, with hindsight, a bit insensitive, but they really have no right to say that you and your CF shouldn't discuss her pregnancy on your mutual FB walls?!

PicaK · 14/12/2011 16:56

I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Having been infertile I know that you feel utter joy for others and deep sadness for yourself at the same time. You get used to this duel response - but does mess your head up at first. I feel deeply for the husband - hopelessly overreacting as he tries to do something practical to protect his wife. My guess is she's reeling with it all (esp if she's on the drugs) and he's frustrated he can't solve it. Please don't blame yourself, you sound a lovely concerned friend. Don't hold it against them though - they are bang out of order but cut them some slack this time.

deepandcrispandsevenfold · 14/12/2011 16:59

AP's dh was being a twunt.
you can post what you like on FB.
I have a disabled child, I don't tell people not to post about the stuff their nt kids do, why would i.
TBh sounds like AP and her DH are the ones who are wrapped up in their own world

TotemPole · 14/12/2011 17:03

but they really have no right to say that you and your CF shouldn't discuss her pregnancy on your mutual FB walls?!

Wouldnt that mean that ap has to avoid the OPs wall as well as cf's to not see the conversation?

In real life, if it upset her, she could just avoid situations when cf was there but still see the OP independently.

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