Sorry, a wanky Facebook wibu

[BuntyCollocksHasBigBaubles]

I'm hoping I'm not too recognisable in this scenario if the parties in question mn as well, but I need some outside opinions.

Myself and the aggrieved party's (ap for future ref) close friend (cf for future ref) have been chatting on facebook about cf's pregnancy. At the moment, cf is the 5th pregnant woman I know. I posted a comment on a status of hers reminiscing how lovely it is to feel those little kicks and rolls.

I also posted my own status saying how happy I was for all the women I know who are currently pregnant, that I wish I was, too, as babies are great and I love my ds.

AP is having problems getting pregnant. This is not a recent discovery, and they are on ivf waiting list, thankfully going to hear about a first round very soon I hope - great news.

She is very upset about the conversations cf and I have regarding our children/babies/being pregnant. AP's husband posted a fb status which I know now relates to cf and I along the lines of 'people are insensitive and wrapped up in their own worlds'. He called my husband, and cf, to tell us both to stop posting anything along those lines on fb.

AP seems to have deleted fb as of today.

I feel AWFUL. I would never knowingly hurt someone, and I'm sure rationally AP and her husband know that, but was I being unreasonable having those conversations and posting that status?

Obviously going to be far more careful now in case I offend her DH who is still on fb (honestly, fb is the work of the devil and causes so much drama: we're all kicking 30 for gods sake).

Hanaka I like the sound of you

YANBU. Yes, infertility is heart breaking. But, people have babies, it happens, it's a happy thing and it's unreasonable for AP to think that the world should stop because it offends her.

I'm sure they're going through hell with not being able to concieve atm. But that gives the husband no right to phone you and tell you what you can and can't post! They sound like the type that when they do eventually have a baby they will be the first people in the world to have ever done it because of course the whole world revolves around them. I know what it's like to be having trouble concieving it took us 4 years and a miscarriage before having dd1. it used to cut me up when I would hear about people who were pregnant/had babies. But there was no way I would ever ask them to stop talking about it. (Of course this was in the days before FB).

I have an old school friend on FB who has had trouble getting pregnant. Most of my statuses are about my kids or SD (and alcohol ). She has never once said anything to me about posting about them, and always posts nice comments or "likes" my posts. She's now pregnant and I'm so happy for her. She's a lovely woman, but then she would never think the world revolves around her.

PicaK that's a really good point - the DH in question may have just blundered in trying to 'sort it out' to protect her.

OP you sound like a really good friend

I have very recently had DC1 after years of waiting, TTC and let downs. I did hate seeing scan pics and pg announcements on facebook, to the extent that when a uni friend of mine announced her pregnancy I blocked her updates. But that was my problem, not any of theirs and I would never have dreamed of asking them to moderate themselves.

As it happens I didn't do a pg announcement on fb after my scan, and my scan picture isn't up either, but that has more to do with my DH's opinion that facebook is full of weirdos trying to steal your soul than anything else!

Why thank you folkgirl

It's really hard, I have had to be really careful about what I put on mine as a colleague due around the same time lost her baby at 34 weeks, I'm now 42 weeks and seriously fucked off but have to remind myself how lucky I am every time somebody requests an update on the never ending pregnancy.

I really wouldn't take this personally. I read an really good article by someone who had spent along time ttc in it she spoke about her feelings towards friends announcing their pregnancy which she admits were sometimes quite horrific and not really her.

Thanks all, especially people who have had similar experiences (and those who said I sound like a good friend!). It's good to know that, in the same situation, not everyone would think I was a caah.

I think AP's DH is trying to protect her, obviously that's the case, but he's just not went about it the way perhaps he should have? I don't know, my DH has me fight my own battles and most of the time I'm too chicken to fight them so I don't know what would have been the right way for him to go about it.

Youtalkintome - I went to 42 weeks exactly, into labour at 41+6. I hope all goes well for you, and so sorry about your colleague. It's all worth it even if you feel like pulling them out by the ears!

Jj - said on your thread in chat, but again, so sorry about your sad news

I have to say that my dislike of Facebook increases almost daily and that if it were not such a genuinely useful way of keeping in touch with the far-flung members of the family, I'd delete my account tomorrow. From my observation of what goes on, it appears to be an arena positively stalked by grief.

But also, I think that you can't dictate what other people share about their lives and if (for whatever reason) you find it distressing to read certain posts then the onus is on you to remove yourself from the source of upset. If necessary by blocking the posts that are upsetting.

For someone's DH to phone a friend and dictate what they may, or may not discuss on Facebook is unreasonable.

Oh bunty this is stubborn baby number 3 am being induced at am but have just started having contractions although they're not very bad and a very large show so will hopefully beat induction but I'm not convinced

YANBU - AP and her DH have BU, but understand when you're going through something so stressful and all consuming, it can seem like everyone else is deliberately upsetting you.

If you are pregnant and/or have a child, that is a major part of your life, it's really hard to filter that out of FB updates, which are really 'what I'm up too' - while you are pregnant, that's the main focus of your attention.

If they cna't deal with it, they shouldn't be on FB, but you shouldn't have to pretend it's not happening just to avoid upsetting them.

Let me put it another way, I really good friend of mine lost his job in the first wave of redundancies that hit London in 2008, and then as a lot of companies had hiring freezes, he found it hard to get a new one, and at one point thought he'd lose his house. When I met up with him, I was suitably sympathetic and not all "my life's great!" but in the period he was out of work I did buy a house, I did go on an expensive holiday, and updated FB on these/put up photos. I wasn't deliberately rubbing his face in the difference in our lifes at that point, but also didn't censor my updates to try to avoid making anyone else jealous. (He has since found a much better job, is earning far more than I ever will, is driving a car I could never afford, is considering trading up the house he thought he'd lose and is now of the opinion being made redundant probably will end up being the making of him, but telling him that at the time might have got me a mouthful of abuse.)

Going against the grain I think you were maybe a bit insensitive. If I knew a friend was struggling with infertility I think I would be tactful and not have public conversations with their friends about how wonderful it feels to be pg that would show up on their feed. I would chat to the mutual friend privately. I think the status is a bit insensitive too tbh. You know that one of your friends is struggling to conceive - is it too much to lay off the public 'how great it is to be pregnant' comments for a while? Would you say the same stuff if she was physically present?

YANBU. Its really really really difficult for AP but you cant expect the rest of the world not to comment on something so joyous as having a baby. When youre expecting/a parent your children become a massive part of your life and as such are going to feature socially. She has the option to stop comments from certain people on her feeds and that would be the way to go with preg friends. I feel a bit about her husband phoning you to tell you off. Not really his place to say what you talk about in public domain, as long as you arent being blatently insensitive which it doesnt sound like you are.
I would prob send a little note by way of acknowledging that things are tough and offering support etc but also wouldnt beat yourself up about the comments.

I think a little bit of both. I used to get really hurt when I saw my friends posted stuff about how happy they were when I was having really bad problems with depression. On the other hand, life goes on and people should realise that.

So, I'm sitting on the fence basically. I personally don't write stuff about how great life is/how happy I am/how great my rship is. But I don't baulk at other's happiness either. In fact, I'm happy for them.

IVF can be very emotional. I suffered from infertility for almost 4 years but would always be pleased for other peoples pregnancies. Never bitter. It would also make me annoyed with my own body though. She really should just hide your posts to be honest.

Roman, the convo only shows up if she clicks into the comments, and the extent of the comment, in reply to the status where cf had stated she loved the kicks and rolls, was 'I miss them, enjoy!'

My status was also not 'how great it is to be pregnant', it was congratulating the numerous women I know who are pregnant, and stating that I would love to be one of them, and babies are wonderful. We are not ttc atm. AP is close to our ds, and would certainly say she would also love to be pregnant (obviously), and that babies are wonderful.

If the same situation were to arise physically, ie, cf and ap we're in the same room with me, and cf talked about her pregnancy, I would probably agree with her as I did on the kicks and rolls: would it not be more insulting/strange to ignore the obvious elephant in the room, that is, her pregnancy (she is fairly far along), for both cf and ap?

On one hand, I can imagine how upsetting it is for ap to hear about cf's pregnancy, but she is cf's best friend, godmother to her dc, and has known about this pregnancy longer than I have. On the other, I feel like cf is 'not allowed' to share her excitement with a wider group of friends because ap is upset.

It's a bit of a mess.

is it possible that the facebook technology is part of the problem? I disabled my fb account months ago but I was pretty clearly aware at the time that things I had written about on my wall and in fb messages (and possibly in fb chat too) were almost certainly the source of the adverts on the side bar, and maybe was causing a filter of which of my friends got most 'airtime' on my wall and mobile feed.

So, if AP has been talking privately through facebook about her struggle to get pg, or going to the gynae / fertility clinic etc, it's possible that the facebook algorithm has decided she probably wants to see everything about pregnancy that's happening in her circle of friends, to the exclusion of fluffy kittens, holiday snaps and crap jokes.

I'm just hoping they've not had bad news which has caused the reaction. :(

Will definitely send a little card (maybe flowers?), and am currently refraining from posting any comments to cf, or putting anything about my ds.

I don't generally post about babies, or pregnancy, it really was just an acknowledgement (probably thoughtless), of all the women I know who are pregnant, and how happy I am for them. I will be ecstatic for her when, not if, it happens for them.

Lexi - had not thought of that! Perhaps - it would certainly explain why pregnancy and baby related things had not (publicly) bothered her until now ...

I have had to 'defriend' two friends recently because they are pregnant with twins, one of my DTDs was stillborn and, even 2 years on, I simply cannot cope with happy status updates. I emailed them forst end explained why I was doing it, and that I couldn't expect them to stop updating so I had to do it for my own sanity.

A bit of sensitivity is in order.

Bunty you haven't been a cow at all. AP and her DH ate clearly struggling poor souls (and it's not going to get easier if they start ivf tbh) but her DH was wrong to make you and cf feel bad about celebrating her pregnancy.

AP should have just quietly blocked your posts or deleted you. You did nothing wrong and he risks his wife being isolated from her friends if they all have to walk on eggshells around her.

What's going to happen when cf's baby is born- will everyone avoid tell her?

Sending a card might be nice but I think that flowers would be overkill - she might be embarrassed by her husbands actions.

I really hope that her ivf is successful.

Loopy please have a very un-mn hug and my condolences.

You have acted with dignity and strength.

Loopy - so sorry to hear that. A big un-mn hug to you.

Thank you, Sarah. Card, no flowers. I so hope they are successful, too.

I think you sound like a lovely friend Bunty. The best thing you can do is to try and support her during the ivf period (if she wants it of course) and be there for her if her cycle isn't successful as she'll be devastated.

Hopefully she'll be successful and you can send a lovely bunch of flowers on the birth of her baby.