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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that people should plan their own funerals or at least make it very clear what they want

60 replies

cantfindamnnickname · 13/12/2011 19:00

A relative is dying, we await the phonecall to say she has gone.

It has always been expected that she would be buried now her next of kin is saying she will be cremated.

I really think these things should be discussed and your wishes written down before you die - like a will - it is so important and I cant understand why people dont sort it out

This is all going to be a very stressful few weeks with lots of people having differing opinions and arguments as a result.

OP posts:

lesley33 · 13/12/2011 19:01

Totally agree

LemonDifficult · 13/12/2011 19:02

YABU. Some of the worse hours of my life have been trying to work out what other people would have wanted after they died.

LemonDifficult · 13/12/2011 19:03

Sorry yaNOTbu!!!

baubleybobbityhat · 13/12/2011 19:03

Yanbu

reelingintheyears · 13/12/2011 19:03

A bit yuk to be dicussing her cremation before she's even cold.

ElectricSoftParade · 13/12/2011 19:03

YANBU.

reallytired · 13/12/2011 19:10

The funeral is for those left behind. I suppose that most people concentrate on living rather than thinking of dying.

Personally I want to give my body to medical science or organ donation if my organs are useable. Prehaps I need to state this in a will.

KittyFane · 13/12/2011 19:11

YANBU.
Both of my GP told us what they wanted, both were v. elderly and died of cancer and thankfully they had enough time to talk and talk to close relatives before we said goodbye.
My gorgeous Nan even recited a couple of poems from memory before she went and they were read out at her funeral.
However, my dad was taken suddenly and young. We were in complete shock and just did what we thought best. Nobody interfered though and it was all my mum's/ his DC preferences. I don't know what he'd have wanted.

So yes OP - I absolutely know where you're coming from but it's not always possible.

ZuleikaJambiere · 13/12/2011 19:13

My gran died recently and it was her funeral last week. She had planned every last detail herself, including writing her own eulogy (although she called it a tribute). I thought it was lovely that every minute of the day was as she wanted and my Mum was very comforted in the planning of it that there was none of the 'shall we do this or that?' niggles. Mum and my uncle added their own paragraph to the eulogy, as did the vicar who knew Grannie well, that was the only bit that Grannie hadn't planned. YANBU

fatlazymummy · 13/12/2011 19:13

Some people couldn't care less about what happens to their body after death. I certainly don't. My next of kin can decide to do whatever feels best [and cheapest hopefully] for them. I have already told them this.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 13/12/2011 19:14

I couldn't agree more.

a) Leave a will, and b) Leave instructions about your funeral.

It's really unfair to put family through a guessing game when they are upset and stressed out.

OldeChestnut · 13/12/2011 19:14

why? the dead arent gonna know are they if their wishes are met or not

i dont give a monkeys what happens to me once i pop me clogs

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 13/12/2011 19:16

OldeChestnut - because your family will worry about whether you would have liked it, however irrational that may be.

helpmabob · 13/12/2011 19:17

I think anyone who says yabu has never suffered the horror of arguing with relatives about what type of funeral to have. So op you are definetely right

SanTEEClaus · 13/12/2011 19:17

YANBU

My step mother won't even write a will, never mind plan het funereal because it's 'tempting fate.' Like she'll live forever because of this!

Bloodyhellthathurts · 13/12/2011 19:18

Absolutely. It made organising my father's funeral less difficult when he'd specified in his will exactly his wishes, down to the hymns and where he wanted the wake to be held. It was some comfort to know that it really was 'what he would have wanted', as people love to say in these situations. My mum is terminally ill and she's done exactly the same. It's a real kindness to the people left behind. I plan on amending my will to specify my wishes - organising a funeral is a hideous job anyway, whatever can be done to make it easier is good in my book.

fuzzynavel · 13/12/2011 19:18

I have told my son that he can do what he wishes with me when I'm gone, if he needs a grave to come and talk to me, so be it. If he wants me burnt and keeps/scatters me somewhere he feels appropriate, so be it. It's not about me anymore, it's about him and how he will deal with his grief and as his mum I support him in his choice.

aldiwhore · 13/12/2011 19:18

My MIL always said to everyone that she wanted her ashes scattered in the same place as her husband, and near her mum who died when she was little. Unfortunately, her husband is still alive and has alzheimers, and her other relatives have decided she needs a headstone, and the only place she can get one is at the crematorium rather than the churchyard when her mum is buried.

The upshot of the last 8 years of battles is that her ashes are literally all over the place. FIL fortunately can't remember all the times he's tried to dig up her ashes from one spot and move them to another! MIL probably won't mind, but YANBU OP, I think it should be a legal requirement at 18 to have a vague will.

As for planning a funeral completely... I have no desire to do this, I'd get too specific, its too much to ask of grieving relatives (well I HOPE they'll be grieving) I've seen people go through so much guilt when they've been unable to carry out the very specific wishes of the deceased. I do have a couple of songs in mind, and I do hope there will be celebration and a lot of tears, but other than that... well, I'll be dead so I'm happy for the living to do what they think is right. I am sure I want to be cremated though, and everyone who knows me knows that.

KalSkirata · 13/12/2011 19:20

my sister can plan my mothers cos I dont care if she is buried or cremated.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 13/12/2011 19:26

Fuzzy That's fine because you have made your wishes known to one specific person who presumably has the authority to act.

What upsets me is seeing families - often siblings - arguing over arrangements and costs when it's all so avoidable.

An example: a friend of mine lost her mum. Her brother booked horsedrawn carriages, the lot, without any means to pay for it, on the grounds that, 'Nothing's too good for my mum'. Friend then found out that all this had been booked in her name! There was no will and no estate. She is now in bits, and her memories of her mother are somehow bound up in all this debt and unpleasantness.

I think this is what the OP is getting at.

fuzzynavel · 13/12/2011 19:27

Funny story here.

My dad died at home in his own bed. We were all there and it was a wonderful day.

When the nurses came to lay him out they asked what he should wear.

A good few years ago I had bought him a pair of M&S silk blue and red spotty boxers, he said "theyre lovely dear" and put them in the drawer.

I decided it was time to take them out and put them on him.

He also had the tune, an old vera lynn one or similar "wish me luck when you wave me goodbye" playing when he went through the curtain. We all laughed through out tears.

What a gorgeous man!

Esta3GG · 13/12/2011 19:27

YANBU.
And people MUST make wills too. To die intestate is such a complete nightmare to inflict upon a family.

My friend died last year - she had cancer and knew her time was limited so she planned it all. It made her funeral all the more poignant because we knew she'd arranged it down to the last detail.

halcyondays · 13/12/2011 19:28

Presumably if she felt that strongly about it, she would have told someone what she wanted. Some people may not feel very comfortable talking about it. And plenty of people don't particularly care what hymns are sung etc. My mum died of cancer when I was 15 and hadn't really made any plans so she had a pretty standard funeral. Had she had detailed plans for her funeral, it wouldn't have made it any easier or me, personally, and I don't think she had strong feelings about it herself.

Esta3GG · 13/12/2011 19:28

fuzzynavel

fuzzynavel · 13/12/2011 19:32

I do understand what you are saying, I had a terrible time with my step siblings over things. My dad died first, then she went, I was not allowed in the house and everything was given away etc. all the stuff my dad said would be my sons the lot. All I wanted was piccys.

It is the most emotive thing ever when someone doesnt decide. But maybe whoever was the closest to her should and others go along with it even though its not what they wanted

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