To think that people should plan their own funerals or at least make it very clear what they want

[cantfindamnnickname]

A relative is dying, we await the phonecall to say she has gone.

It has always been expected that she would be buried now her next of kin is saying she will be cremated.

I really think these things should be discussed and your wishes written down before you die - like a will - it is so important and I cant understand why people dont sort it out

This is all going to be a very stressful few weeks with lots of people having differing opinions and arguments as a result.

I think it's a bit strange the next of kin going against what the deceased would have wanted. Why would you do that? It gave my family great comfort to carry out my mum's wishes, also meant there was no arguing or anyone trying to take control. It meant the funeral went as well as this kind of thing can go and helped us deal with it.

My Grandmother has already organised and paid for her funeral. She's told my mum and uncle that all they have to do is turn up. She's 85 and will probably be here for a long while yet!

Dh and i have discussed where we want our ashes scattered and the odd funeral detail, should probably put it in writing though.

Maybe I am unreasonable because I think "wanting people to cry" isn't very nice. I would prefer that my own funeral was not particularly long and drawn out. A simple funeral and a wake that can be as long as people want would do me fine. Although I wanted something done with my ashes rather than spread so maybe I'm a little odd. Or perhaps I have never liked any one place enough to stay there for eternity.

My Dad has pre-paid for his funeral! And he is so pleased with himself for this! Its very kind and considerate of him, I think, but I do worry that I won't be able to find the paperwork when the time comes.

When my (young) husband died I buried him in the local graveyard. His parents bought the plot beside him. So far so good.......until I went to his grave and saw that they paid to have the two graves joined together into one massive plot!!!!! Enough for me, my husband and 6 (yes SIX) of my in laws.

That conversation was interesting......

How we laugh about it now

Generally speaking, YANBU

However, I kind of disagree with prioritising the deceased's wishes over those of the family.

I'm atheist and would not care much for a religious funeral, personally. I guess I'd be cool with being cremated and poured in the bin at the end of the day. It's not as though I'll be around to get offended. DH is a believer though not practising. If I die before him and he gets any comfort whatsoever out of giving me a religious funeral, that's fine. I'll also not be around to argue about the sermon.

IMO funerals are about those left behind, not corpse rights. So long as the deceased and family are in agreement, though, I agree that it's a good proposal.

It's that whole thing about accepting your mortality, isn't it?

I'm crap at funeral stuff. Only ever been to one, and that was under slightly odd circumstances.

Personally, I'm terrified of being buried alive, or burnt alive... I know it rarely happens, but knowing my luck, I'd get woken from a death like coma by the sound of gravel hitting my coffin.

As for funeral tunes? I did joke with DMother that I wanted to bow out to Slayer - South Of Heaven.

My parents always say that they don't care what happens at their funeral. I think they think this is reasonable, but its not really. Yes funerals are for the living.

But I know when a close friend died suddenly who had no family, how distraught I was and how difficult it was to make decisions about a funeral when you have no idea at all what the deceased would want. There are lots of decisions to make at a time when you are really not up to making them.

So of course people shouldn't leave their wishes for funerals that are expensive or difficult to carry out. But an idea about the most important decisions really does make a difference. So church or crematorium service. Burial or cremation. An idea of a few hymns and/or readings. And if there is anything else important to incorporate e.g. donations to a particular charity.

I think it makes things much easier for the family. When my grandad died we had no idea what he would want (other than us not to waste money on a coffin and just to get the most basic one!). After that my nan planned her funeral which helped us know we were doing what she wanted.

My family know I want to be cremated and what songs I would like in the ceremony - hopefully the information isn't needed for a long time though!

Both my parents have signed their bodies to medical research so as long as they meet the criteria: not dying of certain things or on bank holiday etc there will be no body or parts for some time. Wonder what their freinds would make of it. So do you have a memorial service, pretend burial/ cremation makes me thinking of some of the sour/correct people they know.