To think that people should plan their own funerals or at least make it very clear what they want

[cantfindamnnickname]

A relative is dying, we await the phonecall to say she has gone.

It has always been expected that she would be buried now her next of kin is saying she will be cremated.

I really think these things should be discussed and your wishes written down before you die - like a will - it is so important and I cant understand why people dont sort it out

This is all going to be a very stressful few weeks with lots of people having differing opinions and arguments as a result.

My mum was of the opinion that she wasn't invited to her funeral and had no interest in discussing. Which is fair enough, imo.

While it was obviously upsetting, I didn't find it complicated to book her funeral. The Co-Op do complete packages and you can ask them to book a celebrant from the Humanist Society. Our celebrant was a bit weird, admittedly, but no weirder than your average priest.

We had a half hour meeting beforehand, we chose a few songs, asked a few friends to get up and say something. I did a booklet. We asked for donations to Women's Aid instead of flowers - the Co-Op will just organise whatever you like. The whole thing took a couple of evenings, max.

It doesn't matter. Don't fall out with anyone over it. You won't remember what colour your hat is. Just turn up somewhere and say goodbye with people and love.

I want a cardboard box, I worked in an undertakers coffins cost them £60 and they sell them for £800 ridiculous.

at fabby. Total bloody waste ay. Shall I bury you in my back garden along with two hamsters, a cat and a budgie, all in biodegradable cardboard boxes

death and taxes ay, none of the buggers are ever going to be poor!

I'd say for the most part people don't say what they want because they don't actually care. I am also of the mind the funeral/sending off is for those left behind, i'll be telling my DCs not to wast any money on mine.

I love playing the funeral game! I've been taking my dad to lots of funerals lately (all his old mates) and some are so much better than others. A good funeral with carefully thought out hymns and readings can be very uplifting despite being sad.

At dull moments at work we discuss things like our funerals

Funerals are important. When my mum was dying she told what she wanted. Once she was gone it was so important to get it all right for her and gave us something to focus on. In the end she went against convention and it did raise a few eyebrows of her oldest friends who didn't agree. But she was always a contrary one anyway.

My grandma had planned her own funeral and my mum carried it out to the letter. I did feel it was a bit cold though that there was no discussion between any of us about it. My family's a bit like that though.

The only thing we had any say over was what went into the coffin with her. DS (then 11) wrote her a letter and put in a teddy bear he gave her the first time she went into hospital that she named after him; DD (then 4) drew a picture of herself and grandma smiling in the garden, surrounded by flowers and butterflies; my brother and my mum both wrote her a letter. I didn't put anything in. Firstly, because we were very close and there was nothing I could say that she didn't know already and secondly because I made a promise to continue doing certain things that had been important to her and I am trying to do that, and will continue to do so into the future.

Besides, she hated mess and a coffin stuffed full of clutter would have driven her to distraction

Yes, I won't care about my remains and possessions when I've popped my clogs. But I care about my family who'll have to deal with things. You can get some powerful bad feeling among families dealing with the aftermath of a death and it usually falls heaviest on those who care most IME.

We all (among the younger generation) have very clear wills and funeral instructions - even if they're of the 'private cremation and dispose of the ashes discreetly somewhere' variety.

Writing your will can cheer you up enormously. I do it annually. :o I'd do it more often if the witnessing wasn't a pain to the neighbours.

I don't want a moses type coffin - as apparently they can see the person through the coffin at the crem and I don't want to upset the workers there.

Apart from that I hope my dd's don't argue and plan a party that they think I would have enjoyed and that is part of it you can't ask as they have gone and that is the part you need to get used to and arranging the celebration of their life without them is part of getting used to them not being their to iron out the niggles... its a journey for those left behind

ivykaty, that's kind of you but crematorium workers see bodies every day. They often need to check stuff, and there's not just ash left at the end.

Sorry to be macabre, IvyKaty, but can you be a bit more specific about the body being visible in a wicker coffin? A friend died in August and had specified the use of one of these in her will, and she certainly wasn't visible.

I think it depends if you are aware that some of your family members are likely to have conflicting ideas. If you know that X is a controlling bully who will insist in hs/her wishes being carried out to the distress of other people, it's better to write it all down beforehand and make sure everyone knows. If no one around you has particularly strong views about such things, there's probably less need to bother about it. Though when my dad died I was miserable about the fact that some years previously he and I had discussed what music he might like at his funeral (in the course of a general chat about funerals, he wasn't contemplating his own demise) - and I couldn't remember what he'd said except in the vaguest terms.

I have made it clear. I've said do what you want, what do I care? I'll be dead.

I think leaving clear wishes is a kind thing to do for those that will be planning your funeral and grieveing.

Even if you only say that you want one or two little things to happen, like the music or something, it is nice for the family to feel that they are doing what their loved one would have wanted. It also makes them worry less about any of the other descisions, because they know that if something was particularly imprtant, then you would have said so at the same time.

I went to one funeral where our friend had told his wife that the only thing he wanted was for everyone to dress as if they were going to a summer wedding. Even though he died in Winter, everyone was dressed the way he wanted. It was something to laught about, something to open up chat about memories, and something that I was able to tell people about when I had to let people know what the funeral arrangements are. Honestly, having something like that to say really did make those very upsetting converstations so much easier.

I will be thinking of a few things for my funeral, but so far all I want is everyone to drink champagne, paid for by me, just as they did at my wedding.

My grandad had asthma all his life, he was scared of confined spaces and had said for years he did not want to be buried.

When he died, my nan wanted a burial and bought the plot next to his for herself.

There was no discussion with the wider family and certainly no argument, she just told her children what she wanted for her husband of 60 years and they organised it all.

I know my family know I don't care what happens to my body, if anything can be used for science or organ donation, they are all verbally aware that I would like that. I am an atheist, so won't want or need a religious ceremony. But it's up to them in the end, they are the ones grieving (I hope!) and they have to make their own choices how they do that.

Sorry op.

You can all do this online now, through a website called "Funerals to die for".

I agree OP wherever possible. My elderly MIL reminds me all the time that she wants to be cremated and the exact tree under which she wants her ashes to be scattered. It is sad to think about but on the other hand when that time does come we will know we are doing what she wanted us to do and that will be a comfort.

I've already decided how I want my funeral. My OH thinks I'm a little morbid as I'm only 26.

YANBU.

YABU - next of kin decides

I've told DH and I've filed a list of songs with my Will. Maybe that's a bit control freaky (they aren't for my benefit), but I want people to cry because I think crying at funerals is very important

I do care what happens at my funeral. I want it to be right - I want it to do the job, which is to be an opportunity for a goodbye you may not have had while they were alive, and to give some closure, and also to be a celebration of the life. I've buried my parents - I know the value of funerals - and I want my DCs to get some benefit from mine.

And yes, I think if you're like me and have strong views, then write them down. In fact even if you don't have strong views, you should still write that down. The awful haze that falls on you after a death is not helped by wondering what music the deceased would have wanted.

Just looked up wicker coffins and they've got a cotton liner.

troisgarcons

Yes - the next of kin decides. Legally - unless there are testamentary dispositions otherwise. Luckily for me, my next of kin (and executor) knows my wishes so well (and loves me so well) that what I want will be what happens. Unless I have a late life fit and decide that I want my ashes scattered from Saturn. I would hope that, in that instance, he would hold my wake in the local park with pies!