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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my dad to just slip away...

57 replies

FruitShootsSantaandLeaves · 13/12/2011 17:30

He has no idea who anyone is or where he is, or that is it Christmas. He is doubly incontinent. He is now in almost constant pain , because of a hernia, and on regular painkillers, but he can't be operated on because of his condition.
He is permanently worried and upset. He is alive but has no life.

Who in their right mind made the law that insists we preserve life at all costs.
It is cruel and unbearably sad.

I await a flaming from those who think that a human life should be preserved no matter what.

OP posts:
Sparklingbaubles · 13/12/2011 17:32

I am rubbish at knowing what to say Fruit. I agree that is is cruel, sad and unfair.

Esta3GG · 13/12/2011 17:35

You won't get flamed by me.
There are worse things than dying.
I am very sorry for your dad and your family.

valiumredhead · 13/12/2011 17:36

YANBU xxx

MyDogAteMyMincePies · 13/12/2011 17:36

But that's not life, it's an existence. Illnesses like your fathers kill the spirit a long while before the body.

How dreadful for all of you. Take comfort that he doesn't know what's going on.

I hope no one DARES flame you

Primafacie · 13/12/2011 17:37

I am so sorry.

KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 17:37

i'm so sorry, it must be awful for you having to watch him in that state and completely powerless to do anything to make him feel better. You have my utmost sympathy.

Clarajinglebumps · 13/12/2011 17:38

Aw Fruit- what a shite situation.
My thoughts are with you and your family.. YADNBU. Its so hard to watch those we love in pain.Its just awful!

Stay strong and don't feel guilty for feeling this way. It would be kinder if he could just go..

I sometimes think about that my SIL has MS and is losing the power in her hands, is already in a wheelchair and eventually shall just be a brain trapped in a body. My worse nightmare- her worse nightmare..and nothing we can do about it.

Big huge un-MN hugs to you. xxx

KD0706 · 13/12/2011 17:38

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. My grandpa is headed that way and I'm afraid that I think it really would be the best thing for both him and my granny if he just quietly passed away sooner rather than later. I understand completely why you feel this way.

Unmumsnetty hugs. (((((( )))))

CupAndSorcery · 13/12/2011 17:40

I have been there but with my Grandma - she was so distressed and obsessed with all things toilet - i remember watching the monitor slowing and thinking - just slow a bit more Sad Blush - must be doubly tough when it's your dad (((hugs)))

GiserableMitt · 13/12/2011 17:42

Fruit, I am sending you an e-hug because of the pain you must be in on your Dad's behalf.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/12/2011 17:43

There is something they can and will do. They will gradually increase opiates so that your dads pain in managed.

Eventually it will take a lethal dose to control the pain. This is of course perfectly legal and happens every day.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through {{{hugs}}}

Pandemoniaa · 13/12/2011 17:44

This terrible excuse for an existence is awful, isn't it? My friend's mother died an awful lingering death and her father once challenged the doctor on the grounds that "you'd not let an animal suffer this way, would you?". He was right.

So sorry that you are going through this. xxx

randommoment · 13/12/2011 17:44

YANBU. Have recently been through this with a very close relative. The relief when he finally went was wonderful. Love and sympathy xx

camdancer · 13/12/2011 17:44

And the worst thing is that you can't do a single bloody thing about it. My wonderful, amazing Gran is in a similar position. I remember talking years ago about how we'd put the rat poison down if it was necessary. Well sadly it is necessary but we can't do it. I pray that one morning she just doesn't wake up. If that makes me dreadful then so be it.

All my prayers and sympathy to you and your Dad.

squeakytoy · 13/12/2011 17:47

You wouldnt get flamed from me either. Its horrible to watch anyone suffer like that, and when there is no hope of recovery, all you want is peace for that person.

SanTEEClaus · 13/12/2011 17:49

I don't think you'll get flamed from anyone. If you let an animal suffer the way we make humans suffer you'd be put in jail.

Do ask if they can give and increase opiates for the pain for him.

TattyDevine · 13/12/2011 17:49

Ah, it sucks :(

The preserve life thing is partly so we can't say "out with the old" on anyone who has become a burden to us, then take their money...a bit...obviously there is more to it than that...but that's the only reason its a good thing when in fact there comes a time where you just want to go.

Some endings are just worse than others. Give me a massive stroke in my sleep, hell, let someone shoot me in the back of the head...though only once I've lived enough! But some of those dreadful illnesses...dementia is bad, muscular atrophy/distrophy type ones...

My granny has Altzheimers and dementia (apparently you can have both) and she has progressed rapidlly. She's in high care in a home, and recently started wandering in the middle of the night and going into the room of an old woman who is bedridden and on oxygen. So not pleasant for the "victim" either. But the son of the victim has taken a restraining order out against her and she may have to be moved from the home she is in - and she is still married and her husband is in that home with her! Complicated! (and in another jurisdiction, not the UK, so I'm sketchy on what can be done but my father has good legal counsel)

Very sad. Let her slip away soon, and your lovely Dad, and anyone who genuinely is ready to go on their own accord x

TheOriginalFAB · 13/12/2011 17:51

You won't get flamed from me either and anyone thinking you are acting out of anything but compassion needs some time to think hard. An animal is not allowed to suffer, why are humans?

happy2bhomely · 13/12/2011 17:52

I volunteered on a ward for the first time yesterday. There were 18 elderly women and 6 elderly men. It opened my eyes, that's for sure.

YANBU. You have my deepest sympathy.

Lizcat · 13/12/2011 17:54

It is so hard I helped my mum nurse her mother my granny through terminal cancer and unfortunately the hallucinations she suffered with the opiods made her believe we were poisoning her and she would find anyway she could to remove her central line. Despite us hiding the scissors etc she managed it on a daily basis.

After she finally left us my Mum said she felt her mother had died months previously and I agreed with her.
My thoughts are with you.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 13/12/2011 17:57

No flaming here, YANBU.

x

TroublesomeEx · 13/12/2011 18:01

You won't get flamed here either.

It is true, there are worse things than dying.

Will they increase his pain relief? It's awful, inhumane and heartbreaking. I don't have anything constructive to say but my thoughts are with you. x

mumnotmachine · 13/12/2011 18:09

Sympathy here too, worst thing in the world is watching someone suffer and not being able to do anything about it- and not knowing how long its going to continue for.

It was a welcome release when my Mum finally went- the suffering was awful

NewBikeForChristmas · 13/12/2011 18:09

Yanbu at all. my darling dad degenerated over twelve years and the last five were similar to what you've described (Parkinson's and Alzheimer's). It was heartbreaking. When he died, the overwhelming feeling for many of us was relief.

Smophette · 13/12/2011 19:47

I lost both my beloved grandmas to long term illnesses were their suffering was painful and drawn out. I am so sorry you are in this situation and I have every sympathy with you. No flames, only hugsx

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