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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my dad to just slip away...

57 replies

FruitShootsSantaandLeaves · 13/12/2011 17:30

He has no idea who anyone is or where he is, or that is it Christmas. He is doubly incontinent. He is now in almost constant pain , because of a hernia, and on regular painkillers, but he can't be operated on because of his condition.
He is permanently worried and upset. He is alive but has no life.

Who in their right mind made the law that insists we preserve life at all costs.
It is cruel and unbearably sad.

I await a flaming from those who think that a human life should be preserved no matter what.

OP posts:
MabelLucyAttwell · 13/12/2011 19:58

I'm sorry to hear about your father - I've been there so know what it's like.

If he is in constant pain and is on regular painkillers, why is he still in pain? I would bring this up with the staff looking after him. From the sound of it, he should be on morphine. If he is, the dose should be increased. Or are they trying to save money just because he's an elder so doesn't matter any more? Say something strongly. I would.

cozietoesie · 13/12/2011 20:00

Oh fruit. So sorry for you and your family.

I went through this earlier in the year when my darling Dad died. He had terminal cancer so had nurses (at home luckily) who controlled both the pain and his worry and upset by drugs - so that towards the end, when he was probably on a huge load of stuff, he was peaceful.

Have a word with his medical advisers and explain the situation. Even if there's nowt you can do about his basic condition you can ease suffering (emotional and physical) dramatically.

Hugs to you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/12/2011 20:01

So sorry to hear about your dad, Santa, it's an awful situation for you as much as it is for him. I too hope that he slips away, as painlessly as possible and if that means increased medication, then so be it. Pain should be managed as well as it possibly can be. Thinking of you.

dottygirl1 · 13/12/2011 20:04

OP....I 100% agree and know what you are going through. My mam had a massive stroke in June and has been in hospital ever since. She can't walk,talk,eat and is also doubly incontinent.

She is leaving hospital to go to a hospice tomorrow. For this we are thankful as it is only recently that our hospice is taking Stroke victims. The sad thing is that my Dad passed in the same hospice in September. She couldnt even attend his funeral. It has been the saddest few months of my life.

Many a times I have wished that we could have done more to stop all the crap she has been through.

I hope your dads suffering ends soon. As we knew our mam was never going to get better, we used to pray that God would do the right thing.

Feel as sorry for you as I do for myself!! Take care.

FourEyesGood · 13/12/2011 20:04

No flaming from me either. It's a horrible situation and, from the sounds of it, it happens all too often. My dad took ages to die, to the extent that when he finally did, all I - and my mum - could feel was relief. Two years on, I'm only just now starting to feel grief properly.

sozzledchops · 13/12/2011 20:06

I'm sorry about your dad, the stress you are all under is immense. You know things are really bad when you realise it would be better for someone you love to 'slip away' rather than suffer and carry on the way they are.

I wish my mum had slipped peacefully away when she had the chance and knew nothing of what was to come. But she revived and then went through a hellish few weeks going into total decline and having to face that she was dying. So sorry you are having to deal with this, hoping your dad finds peace soon.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/12/2011 20:06

Bloody hell, dottygirl... :(

SantasNutellaFairy · 13/12/2011 20:06

I'm not going to flame you- you have more than enough to deal with.

My mum once told me she often felt the same when my father was very ill, and prayed that it would be quick and pain free when it came to the end. She then said she felt guilty about feeling relief when he did die, because "you aren't supposed to feel relief when your husband dies are you?"

It sounds like his doctors might need to reassess his pain relief.

((hug)) Brew and Biscuit

JamieComeHome · 13/12/2011 20:07

I would never disagree with you.

JamieComeHome · 13/12/2011 20:09

I think it would be strange not to feel relieved that someone you love is released from pain, fear and indignity.

So sorry for all of you who have lost parents.

MIL had a very long-drawn out and terrified death.

Crosshair · 13/12/2011 20:09

yanbu. :(

marriedandwreathedinholly · 13/12/2011 20:09

No flaming from me and I agree with you in principle but I do have concerns about the ethics and when the final decision is taken and whether it can be taken without a living will. Having said that I would chose to be taken in your dad's situation.

What an awful thing to be going through, especially at this time of the year. Thinking of you.

Angelswings · 13/12/2011 20:10

Hugs

dottygirl1 · 13/12/2011 20:12

Sorry me again.....

Is your dad in a hospital?? If so speak to his medical team. Over the last few months we insisted that any pain was not acceptable. Her pain was monitored as much as possible but in the last 3 weeks we insisted Mam was given morphine.

Its so sad to think in May we were all plodding along happy go lucky, both of them well. You just never know whats around the corner.

sitandnatter · 13/12/2011 20:14

Fruit so sorry so very very sorry. xxx

I lost my Dad as a teenager and prayed that if God doesn't take his pain away that he takes him. He was terminally ill. It's just that we don't want to see them suffer. See the doctors see if they can up his medication, he deserves to be pain free.

I so feel for you, massive lump in my throat, I feel for you I really do. xxx

cozietoesie · 13/12/2011 20:17

Yes, dottygirl. Pain and distress aren't acceptable now that they have the means to control them. As our Dad was at home, one of us was in almost constant attendance near the end and we could tell his nursing team about his condition: it was easy enough to tell his state of mind/pain level even though he was zapped to the eyeballs. And the nurses reacted promptly to sort any problems.

Speak to the medical team, OP. They should be able to help - indeed I'm surprised they haven't done so already.

ballstoit · 13/12/2011 20:25

Fruits No flaming here, just a huge hug and a wish that your Dad is kept pain free, please push for this as long and loudly as you have to x

My lovely Grandma was kept alive for several years, in a semi-comatose state. As a family we grieved for her while she was, technically, still living. Her death was a relief, especially for my Mum and Grandad who had visited her, usually daily, even though there was no one really to visit Sad.

CumpyGruntWithJinglyBellsOn · 13/12/2011 20:28

No flaming from me either.

I spent the best part of the last 5 years nursing my MIL at home, watching her turn from a bright, vital woman with a few mobility problems into a helpless, bedridden shadow of a person who couldn't move or speak or even swallow towards the end.

She clung on for a long time & finally died in May this year but it was a long, slow, awful decline.

My Dad died last year, it was cancer that he knew nothing about until 10 days before he died. He fell off his pushbike on the way to work & banged his head & was taken to hospital where they scanned him & broke the news that he was riddled in several places with cancer & that he didn't have very long to live. He was very grateful that he went quickly & so am I.

It's awful isn't it Sad.

Cookie79 · 13/12/2011 20:32

My husband's gran is heading this way, it's terrible to watch such a feisty old tough bird become a shell who says awful things sometimes.

No flamings from me, and I echo the comment 'there are worse things than dying'

Hugs to everyone else going through this.

xx

shesparkles · 13/12/2011 20:36

Nothing but sympathy from me. my mum died 2 years ago this week from alzheimer's and parkinson's and had a similar existence to what you're describing. I hope he gets peace xx

CroissantNeuf · 13/12/2011 20:37

No flaming here.

My Dad was one of the ones who only had 2 weeks from diagnosis of cancer to dying and, even in that short space of time, there were moments that I thought the same as you Fruit.

This has also reminded me of a conversation I had with DD at the weekend when we had to have our elderly and infirm cat put down. DD was asking if they ever "put people to sleep" which led to an interesting conversation about how its seen as humane to put animals "out of their misery" when there is no chance of improvement/quality of life etc but with people...well.....

twolittlemonkeys · 13/12/2011 20:49

No flaming here. I had a similar feeling when I visited my grandad just before he died. He was in so much pain despite the drugs they were giving him. I tried to stifle my tears whilst in hospital with him but he could see I was upset and said don't worry and called me by my Auntie's name (his brain was working fine but I think the drugs and the pain were overwhelming him). I sobbed all the way home and by the time we got home the hospital had just rung to say he had passed away just after we left. I felt guilty but the relief was immense.

My thoughts are with you and your family. Don't know what else to say :(

tralalala · 13/12/2011 20:57

YANBU xxx

cozietoesie · 13/12/2011 20:59

twolittlemonkeys

I think that when people are close to the end, they go back to childhood - or at any rate, much younger years. I was with my gran when she died (along with my mum and my aunt) and she thought that my Mum was her sister who had died many many years previously. I don't know why.

xPAULAx · 13/12/2011 21:05

We had to watch my cousin dying very slowly, I wished that he was out of his suffering and when he died I was lost but I was relieved for him.

He died 10 years ago tomorrow. I miss him so much.

You are not wrto want this over for your Dad. I hope his passing goes as smoothly as poble and I'll keep you all in my thoughts this Christmas x

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