Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask Father to buy new pram?

61 replies

SadieGeneration · 12/12/2011 13:42

No contact with father for 20 years , his choice. When Iwas pregnant with ds I thought it would be nice to get in contact so found out his number and called.

He visits a few times a year. He gave me £1000 on our first meeting , when I had ds £500 and has bought small presents. No amount of money will make up for his absence while growing up but he seems to have stopped giving me money for whatever reason which did come in handy, but obviously I didn't expect it.

He did give ds £100 for his birthday although I only got a card.

Anyway in laws bought ds pram but now as expecting again will need a double. Would like a phil and teds around £500 , should I just ask outright if he would like to buy it?

He has no other family to support and tells me his savings go up every month as he has nothing to spend his money on! I'm an only child so no other children either.

I feel that the least he could do is offer financial help now, especially as when my mother left him, he never paid a penny in maintenance, so we were very poor.

I was just going to wait for him to go on about all his money then jokingly say , "well of you have that much , we could really do with a double pram!"

So aibu?!

OP posts:
AFuckingFestiveKnackeredWoman · 12/12/2011 13:44

Its your child not his, its not his responsibility to provide for it

Regardless of him not paying when you were a child or having no other dependants YABU

HecklerNotKoch · 12/12/2011 13:44

nah just wait till he pops his clogs and you cop for the lot

Hmm
minciepie · 12/12/2011 13:45

YANBU to ask (politely). YWBU to expect anything though. It's up to him.

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2011 13:52

YABU and very grabby

If you need a new pram for your children then buy one yourself

AMumInScotland · 12/12/2011 13:56

Well you can't expect him to buy it, but since he gave you £500 when you had DS, you could mention that to him, politely enquire if he'd been planning to help out a bit with DC2, and then mention the double pram if he sounds like he wants to do something.

If he is thinking of giving you money, he might like to know that it went on something specific like a new double pram.

I don't think the fact that he gave you nothing when you were a child is relevant, what matters is that this is his grandchild and he might want to help out.

rushofbloodtothefeet · 12/12/2011 14:00

How old is DS? Do you need a double. Putting newborn in a sling works well for at least the first 6 months, you might find by then DS is OK with walking or buggy board. Bingo you have saved your Dad £500!

But then it's not about the money is it Hmm

TandB · 12/12/2011 14:14

I think YABU. How do you feel about the money and gifts? I would feel like he was buying his way back into our lives.

I had an incredibly similar situation. Almost no contact with father for over 20 years - he just drifted away from the family after the death of my mother, and he also did some things relating to family relationships that caused a lot of friction - and then when I had DS I made contact out of courtesy. We now have a distant but courteous relationship based entirely around his role as a grandfather, rather than a father as such.

The first time I made contact he sent a £1000 cheque which, after much discussion, DP and I returned with a polite and grateful note saying that we weren't comfortable with accepting such a large amount of money but we would be pleased if he wanted to buy DS a present and we would come and visit so he could give it to him. We see him about twice a year and I am very glad we didn't accept the money as it now feels as though we have something of a clean slate - no obligations on either side and an opportunity for him to be a grandfather if he wants to do so.

He does sometimes get a bit stressy about losing contact and calls again and again if I don't return a call immediately - if I had been accepting money from him I think I would find it uncomfortable dealing with this side of the relationship as I would feel that I had an obligation of sorts.

MixedBerries · 12/12/2011 14:16

YANBU to ask politely and without expectation. Easier said than done though!

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 12/12/2011 14:19

Of course yabu. He has done nothing for you but give you money and you now see him as a handy cash machine. If I'd not seen my father for 20 years (Well actually I haven't) I'd tell him to fuck off tbh, not ask for handouts. You need to look at this relationship for what it is: based on selfishness, on both sides.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/12/2011 14:19

Do you actually have a relationship with your father? It sounds as if you're using him. You do sound grabby. If you need something for your baby, buy it yourself - you and your partner are responsible. If your father offers then fair enough but he doesn't owe you.

NinkyNonker · 12/12/2011 14:26

Errr, Yabu. If you need a pram, buy what you can afford.

prettyfly1 · 12/12/2011 14:33

Yes YABU. If you dont like him, dont take his money and stop using him as a personal cash machine. If you do, make an effort to get to know him and stop using him as a cash machine. His behaviour when you were young was dreadul and I am sorry for that but you are an adult now, you choose your family and your bills are your problem in much the same way they would be had your father been in your life for the whole time.

Shutupanddrive · 12/12/2011 14:40

Of course yabu! Hmm

Original poster
SadieGeneration · 12/12/2011 14:43

I love aibu , such a range of opinions! Of course my children are my responsibility, however don't a lot of grandparents like to buy things for newborns? I don't think he has any idea of what I would need or not that is why he gave money when ds was born instead of buying a present.

I don't think I'm grabby, if I was wouldn't I have got back in contact before now to relieve him of his cash?! Literally every time I speak on the phone or see him, he brags about his money. I was a bit surprised at him saying he has nothing to spend it on, er maybe your grandson, but that's probably "grabby"!

It's interesting how , men on here are criticised for their lack of interest and contribution to their children's lives, but when that child grows up it seems to be a different story.

Our relationship is more for ds really. I don't see why it is wrong to accept money from him at all. I had no interest in meeting him from age 12 to 32, I decided it would be sad if the next time I see him is in his coffin.

Ds is will be 16 months and I don't have a car so need a double really although I will be getting a sling too.

OP posts:
jonasmcflonas · 12/12/2011 14:44

I don't think YABU at all actually! He has been a pretty crap dad and has loads of money and a guilty conscience. You're not demanding money for diamonds or handbags for yourself, you're asking him to buy a pram to help you and your children out. I'd ask him and I wouldn't have an ounce of guilt about it if he coughed up!

MollyTheMole · 12/12/2011 15:37

jesus fucking christ, you are so grabby I bet your hands are like shovels Shock

Barbielovesken · 12/12/2011 15:44

Wow. I cant believe this one. Just wow.

You are being shockingly and completely unreasonable and very, very "grabby". Im embarrased for you.

I also understand what its like not to have contact with your dad- I had no contact with mine from age 1 - 25. Got in contact with him the week ds was born. He sent me a ?100 cheque. I didnt accept it. I couldnt.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 12/12/2011 15:46

YABU! My Dad bought a pram and carseat when DS1 was born, cost him about £200. If I remember correctly, he bought a crib mattress for DS2, was £12! Apparently it's tradition for the Mum (to-be's) parents to buy the pram for 1st child. After that, you're on your own so to speak!

pinkyp · 12/12/2011 15:48

Yanbu to ask, won't hurt anything will it Grin

HecklerNotKoch · 12/12/2011 15:48

jesus fucking christ, you are so grabby I bet your hands are like shovels shock

this

i expect OP is thumbing thru the argos catalogue as we speak

aldiwhore · 12/12/2011 15:50

I'd ask. Usually I'd say YABU as £500 is a lot of money, and you can buy a cheaper one yourself OF COURSE, but YANBU seeing as he's not been a great dad, don't be a great daughter and be cheeky. He can always say no. If he says yes of course, then don't punish him anymore, its not nice to play on someone's guilt, even if they deserve it, but its okay once!

pigletmania · 12/12/2011 15:52

YABVU, what would you do if he was not there! Get a cheap double from Tesco, or go on e bay and get a secondhand one. Use Freecycle to find one too if not.

teacoupons · 12/12/2011 15:53

YABU. Your children are your priority, mot his. It's not his responsibilty to provide and while it's nice that he helped before, he shouldn't have to help now if he doesn't offer.

Buy what you can afford. £500 is a lot and Phil and Ted's are not that great. Buy a second hand double buggy or a cheaper new one. You can buy mid range for half the price of P&T.

pigletmania · 12/12/2011 15:56

What about asking the child's father to contribute, its HIS responsibility not your dad's

KaraStarbuckThrace · 12/12/2011 16:07

You lot are unfuckingbelievable.

You rant and rave about men who don't contribute to their children's upbringing, then you flame an OP whose dad abandoned her after her mum dies for being grabby, in taking cash from him? Jesus fucking Christ, I am soooo glad you have never been in that position where you Dad just fucked off not giving a shit about your welfare Angry

I don't think the OP should ASK for the cash, but if he offers she should bloody well take it. My Dad fucked off when I was 12 because having a family was too much of an effort for him. He then came back into my life when i was 18, not giving two hoots that he left my mother in financial dire straits and still didn't offer her anything to help with my 2 young brothers still at home Angry. And we have a civil relationship because as the end of the day he is still my Dad, but if he offers me money I will damn well take it as compensation for all the opportunities I missed out on because my DM couldn't afford them.

This is great news for all those feckless father out there, they just need to hide their cash until their kids are 18. Because then their children would be greedy and grasping to even think about asking for any.