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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask Father to buy new pram?

61 replies

SadieGeneration · 12/12/2011 13:42

No contact with father for 20 years , his choice. When Iwas pregnant with ds I thought it would be nice to get in contact so found out his number and called.

He visits a few times a year. He gave me £1000 on our first meeting , when I had ds £500 and has bought small presents. No amount of money will make up for his absence while growing up but he seems to have stopped giving me money for whatever reason which did come in handy, but obviously I didn't expect it.

He did give ds £100 for his birthday although I only got a card.

Anyway in laws bought ds pram but now as expecting again will need a double. Would like a phil and teds around £500 , should I just ask outright if he would like to buy it?

He has no other family to support and tells me his savings go up every month as he has nothing to spend his money on! I'm an only child so no other children either.

I feel that the least he could do is offer financial help now, especially as when my mother left him, he never paid a penny in maintenance, so we were very poor.

I was just going to wait for him to go on about all his money then jokingly say , "well of you have that much , we could really do with a double pram!"

So aibu?!

OP posts:
MixedBerries · 12/12/2011 16:12

I second that KaraStarbuckThrace. And, as is the case on many AIBUs, OP is asking for opinions not judgements on her character.

pigletmania · 12/12/2011 16:12

Yes Kara that is why she should ask the babies dad to pay!

pigletmania · 12/12/2011 16:14

Or get a buggy that is a lot less, that is more affordable. Yes if dad offers she should take it, but not ask imo. If he is cheeky enough to bragg about his money to her, she could ask him whether he could pay for a pram.

TandB · 12/12/2011 16:17

Er, the OP didn't say her mum died - that was me.

And relationships are not built on money. Of course a man is wrong not to pay for his dependent children - but if those children decide to re-kindle a relationship as adults then they need to be clear about the purpose of that relationship.

No amount of money now can make up for having to struggle as a child and it never will. Basing a new, adult relationship on money is a recipe for disaster - it undermines the person asking for the money and it places a purely financial value on the person giving it.

If a relationship is worth pursuing then it should be done for the right reasons. If it isn't worth pursuing for its own sake then let it go.

pigletmania · 12/12/2011 16:19

I agree kung

Angelswings · 12/12/2011 16:20

He can always say no

As it is likely he will give money after the birth when it will be too late to geta double buggy, does it not make more sense to ask in a nice way?

Other option is to borrow one or buy a v cheep second hand one and wait and see what he does.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 12/12/2011 16:21

Where did you read that OPs Mum died? Did I miss that bit?

TandB · 12/12/2011 16:24

Nickname - it was my mum who died - I think Kara is confused.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 16:24

Would you still want to continue the relationship with him if he didnt have any money? That to me would be the important factor.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 12/12/2011 16:26

Oh I see thanks kungfu

SardineQueen · 12/12/2011 16:36

No harm in asking

YANBU

Strange and very strong views on here. MNers absolutely hate the idea of family assisting each other, I find it most strange, but there you go Smile

KaraStarbuckThrace · 12/12/2011 16:39

Oh God, Kungfu, I am so sorry, it was your mum you are right I am confused.
But I am just in a fucking foul mood and have just taken it all out on you lot.
Just had a difficult conversation from my dad about him not coming over to visit us in the New Year a couple of days ago. But have just found out from my aunt (his sister) that he and DSM are off to fucking Tenerife in January Angry
So he can afford to go on holiday but can't afford to come here and see his only grandchildren (who he loves to boast about to everyone, since I am no longer worthy to boast about - which is a whole 'nother story).

naturalbaby · 12/12/2011 16:44

why £500? I got a very decent Phil & Teds with all the accessories for £250.

Original poster
SadieGeneration · 12/12/2011 16:55

Blimey! I never said my Mum had died. I don't need to ask my father , I don't need to ask my dh to buy it either. I don't want a second hand pram, I will quite happily buy it anyway without asking my father . As he gave £500 last time a baby was born as someone else said we have all the baby stuff from ds, apart from a few new clothes all I need is a double , so that would be an ideal gift. If we buy the pram and he does give me £500 again , I could put it in a child trust fund for dc2.

I don't see why I shouldn't suggest ways for him to spend his money on his grandchildren, if he has spare money and likes to tell me of it.
I had no idea what money he has when I arranged to meet him. He isn't rich as in property, he lives in a council house, no car but he saves a lot I suppose. Last year after the 1k gift I didn't speak to him while pregnant due to his ridiculous comments eg saying he hates boys just before my scan, obviously had a ds! So the money doesn't make me want to continue the relationship but it helps out with stuff.

I happy for people to think I'm bu anyway but think I will drop a hint or two when he goes on about his excess cash!

OP posts:
Original poster
SadieGeneration · 12/12/2011 16:58

£500 was just a guess naturalbaby on mothercare/kiddicare with a doubles kit and baby carrier they are around £500 anyway but would shop around. I have looked on eBay but always to collect and the good ones are never near me.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/12/2011 17:04

Do you want a relationship with him, or are you just in contact with him because of his money? Really, it is wrong of you to maintain a relationship that is based on what he can give you financially, and not getting to know him, and building up a relationship with him. Next time he boasts about the money, I would ask him, really its up to you and your dh to provide the pram for your baby.

pigletmania · 12/12/2011 17:07

If you need the pram soon, and can buy it yourself, than do it! Don't wait around to ask him, what if he says no then!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/12/2011 17:10

OP.... If he WANTED to buy things for his grandchildren, he would offer, do it off his own back. Either he's playing games with you and you're playing into his hands or he wants a relationship with you and is wondering if he should bother? Have a little dignity, it really sounds like you're using him for his money and he knows it - so is making you beg. That's pathetic behaviour from adults (both of you). If you want a relationship with him then have an authentic one, not this.

Oh.. and you can arrange couriers to pick up goods that you win, it doesn't cost heaps.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 12/12/2011 17:16

Yanbu, in a strange sort of way.

If it wasnt for the fact that he is bragging about his savings, I would say yabu.

however, I would be mightily pissed off, next time he boasts, I would say something like:

"Dad, can you just please stop boasting about your wealth, I spent my entire childhood in poverty, without a dad, and a mum that was struggling to make ends meet, no wonder you are rich, you did not have a family to spend money on and support, so just please, give me a break and spear me this nonsense. I did not get back in touch with you just to have my nose rubbed in your talk of cash. But seeing as you are so loaded, you might like to buy a new pram, although it wont at all make up for a pennyless childhood"

Original poster
SadieGeneration · 12/12/2011 17:19

pigletmania did you read my most recent post before posting? I am not interested in maintaining a relationship with him to get to his money. I'm not suggesting I frogmarch him to a cash machine more suggest to him that there are things he could spend his money on when he thinks there isn't . Also as i am his next of kin it will all go to me anyway and due to being an alcoholic and heavy smoker I don't imagine he has that many years left in him. So I could just wait for him to drop and get it all but I actually wanted to have a friendship of sorts and give him the opportunity to see his grandchildren. The pram was just a thought it is not essential to our relationship continuing in any way.

Also as he contributed zero after the age of 4, always changing job/address to get out of maintenance even when we were in homeless family unit, why would I get in contact expecting any money?!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/12/2011 17:26

I like what QuintessentiallyFestive suggests, it's honest and to the point and he will either be chagrined into stopping his mind games or he will realise that you would appreciate a little financial help and will provide it.

Marinn · 12/12/2011 17:33

I think there is nothing wrong with asking him for a bit of financial help given his history of contributing nothing for 20yrs to the OP and her mother.

I think if the OP is generous enough to forgive that and let him enjoy his grandchildren it's not unacceptable to ask him to be generous financially now.

Original poster
SadieGeneration · 12/12/2011 17:35

Yes thanks lyinwitchinthewardrobe and quintessentiallyfestive . I don't want to be bitter about the past but hearing him going on about all his cash and his lack of awareness is quite annoying. I can't help but wonder if it is meant to annoy?! I think really he is just a bit short on things to say and makes strange comments, that's how I explain it away usually.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/12/2011 20:09

That is good quintessentially, I think that next time he brags about his wealth, you should say that!

EllenandBump · 12/12/2011 20:21

My MIL, bought quite a lot for our son as we had to move while pregnant cos as soon as our landlord found out he made us homeless, charming man... But we never asked her to buy anything for us, just asked what things were a necessity, and what things ie moses baskets were a nicety, but not a neccessity. She helped out of choice