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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday party on DD's birthday - AIBU and WWYD

56 replies

Chesticles · 12/12/2011 11:45

My friend has twins which are a year younger than my DD (4yo, almost 5). Almost to the day, their birthday is Fri 13th and DD's Sun 15th. I am very good friends with her and am the twins godmother.

She has arranged a party at a local soft play for her girls for the sunday afternoon to which DD is invited. However I am a bit Hmm and not sure what to do. She did mention a few weeks ago that she had tried to get the venue on the Sat but couldn't so she had to book the Sunday, but at the time I didn't clock the date so didn't pay much attention to the converstion.

I am not having a party for DD as she had one last year and I don't want to get into the habit of her expecting a party every year. However I feel a little sad that on DD's birthday she will be going to a party where the twins are getting all the attention and sung to and cake etc (rightly so, it is their party).

I don't want to not go to the party, as I don't want to cause friction between friend and myself over what is a relatively small thing. DH says AIBU and should get over myself. But I just feel a bit sad for DD.

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 12/12/2011 11:47

I would decline the invitation and plan something nice for your dd instead. Surely your friend would understand that it's your daughter's special day as well? She obviously knew which date she'd picked.

It's irrational but I would feel a bit sad for my DD if it was her. Birthdays are only fun when you're little and she's old enough to know which day is hers.

ClaimedByMe · 12/12/2011 11:47

I think you are overthinking it!

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2011 11:48

Why would it cause friction?

If ever there was a good reason not to attend a birthday party, it's because it's happening on your child's birthday.

Just politely decline and send a present.

Shmumty · 12/12/2011 11:48

I think you are a little U. Why not do a little cake and a happy birthday for DD at the party too? Your friend has probably already planned such a thing anyway...

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 11:49

Get over yourself is right. Let your daughter go, she'll have a great time any friction would be caused by you not your friend. Either throw a party yourself or stop being so precious.

Personally I threw a party every years I dont see anything wrong with that even if you do it in your own home.

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 11:50

Worra then the child wouldn't go to any party and it is her birthday weekend. I'd let her go.

AMumInScotland · 12/12/2011 11:51

I doubt your DD will feel sad about it, she'll be having fun at a soft play place and eating cake!

diddl · 12/12/2011 11:52

Surely the party won´t take all day & you can sing Happy Birthday/do presents/have cake beforehand?

I´m with your husband tbh-she´s got an invitation to a party on her birthday, & since you´re not doing one, how lovely for her to go.

camilla2010 · 12/12/2011 11:52

Yes just say you are having birthday tea for DD and can't make it. She could have done the sunday before if she couldn't get a sat I don't think YABU at all.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/12/2011 11:54

Well I am sure your DD will be getting attention and presents at home on her b/day anyway. Make a fuss of her at home and let her go to the party, she will have a lovely time - why wouldnt you want her to go? You are definately overthinking, your DH is totally right.

startail · 12/12/2011 11:57

Why do your DD out of the party just because it's on her birthday.
Surely she can have her presents in the morning and her cake at home before or after the party dependent on time.
Or she can have her celebrations on the day before. She won't give a monkeys, she'll mind very much not getting to race about with her friends. You can read a calendar she can't.
Also as DF I'd have been upset if you didn't come unless you had visitors or something.
My sister is exactly 2 years younger than my sister, she lived on the same small estate. For years they took it in turns to have their party on their birthday because the guest lists overlapped so much.

startail · 12/12/2011 11:59

Sorry I should say my sister is exactly two years younger than my BF.

MuddlingMackem · 12/12/2011 12:01

I think YABU. When ds was turning 5 his birthday was on a Wednesday, but he had his small party on the Sunday before. On his birthday he attended a joint party for a girl who shared his birthday and a boy who's birthday was a few days before. It didn't bother him. We opened any remaining presents after that party. He didn't have a problem that the attention wasn't on him. He was their guest and appreciated the invitation. Let your daughter go if she wants to, but give her the choice.

And I'm sorry, but I totally disagree with Shmumty >>>> Why not do a little cake and a happy birthday for DD at the party too?

jen127 · 12/12/2011 12:01

We have a smilair issue each year as my neighbours kids ( also a close friend) have birthdays either side of DS's. We co-ordinate between ourselves as to what is happening. All of the kids are delighted to participate in all the parties !
I think your DD would be sad to miss out on the party !

munstersmum · 12/12/2011 12:02

Let your DD go. She'll run around having a fab time. Just make sure you've done 'special' birthday lunch with cake and candles at yours.

Your friend tried for Sat and gave you a heads up - she sounds like a nice friend!

Hardgoing · 12/12/2011 12:02

I would take her to the party, having celebrated and had her cake beforehand, and telling her you are going to now go to celebrate the twins birthday.

I don't think it's inconsiderate of your friend to have chosen this date, the Sat wasn't available and this issue is going to arise every year (e.g. if you do a party next year, it may well be on their preferred date of Sat).

Plus you have chosen not to have a party, so letting her go to someone else's and run about could be fun, but only if she has had her special time already.

hairypotter · 12/12/2011 12:05

I would let her go as well. My dd1 had a party on my nephews birthday, she was 5 and he was 8 (it was the only day that suited everyone)

We had another cake and sang happy birthday to him as well as dd.

Depending on what time the party is, I would go out for a birthday lunch, then the party and finally would invite family and close friends round to the house for another small party.

I would be a bit miffed if I was your friend and knowing you didn't have anything else on, didn't come to my dd's party.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 12/12/2011 12:07

Ds went to his friends birthday party this year on his birthday. He loved it!

Original poster
Chesticles · 12/12/2011 12:11

Thanks, a range of opinions. I know I'm overthinking, and should relax and just go with the flow. DD will definitely go to the party, I'll just have to make a fuss of her in the morning.

OP posts:
hairypotter · 12/12/2011 12:14

Muddling, I had no problem singing happy birthday to my nephew at dd's party. She was thrilled that he was getting a cake too. We had no problem about the focus not being on her for the entire time Grin

I wouldn't just bring along my own cake without asking your friend first though, that would be a bit rude. Although I'm sure she has probably thought of it and has planned to sort something out.

stripeysails · 12/12/2011 12:14

Celebrate her birthday in the morning with cake, presents and singing and then she's had all these things. Then take her to have a lovely time at the party.

I wouldn't take a birthday cake to the party for her as this would be like hijacking someone else's party and imo would not be appropriate.

Hardgoing · 12/12/2011 12:15

I was going to send my dd (8) to her friend's party on her birthday, kind of made it more special if you like, and do a smaller thing on another day. She was very excited to go.

You could get your dd a special birthday outfit, and do remind your friend it is your daughter's birthday and she's so excited to come, so your friend will remember it is her special day too.

onefatcat · 12/12/2011 12:15

I feel sorry for your dd, not because she is going to feel left out at the party, but because she can't have a party of her own this year just because she "might get used to it". Unless there is a really good reason I don't see why children can't have a party every year, they are only little once. I don't think your dd will mind the party not being her own, I think you projecting your own guilt at not giving her a little party onto her.

stripeysails · 12/12/2011 12:16

The trouble is, hairypotter, that if the op asks party hostess then it's a bit difficult for her to say 'no' even if she wants to. I wouldn't put her in that position. It's easy for op's dd to have all the traditional birthday things at home before she goes.

MuddlingMackem · 12/12/2011 12:20

Hairypotter Fine if it was your choice to have two cakes, etc, but it would be unfair of the OP to put that pressure or expectation on her friend. Even more so in this particular case as the party is for twins who are already having to share their special day with each other!

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