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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday party on DD's birthday - AIBU and WWYD

56 replies

Chesticles · 12/12/2011 11:45

My friend has twins which are a year younger than my DD (4yo, almost 5). Almost to the day, their birthday is Fri 13th and DD's Sun 15th. I am very good friends with her and am the twins godmother.

She has arranged a party at a local soft play for her girls for the sunday afternoon to which DD is invited. However I am a bit and not sure what to do. She did mention a few weeks ago that she had tried to get the venue on the Sat but couldn't so she had to book the Sunday, but at the time I didn't clock the date so didn't pay much attention to the converstion.

I am not having a party for DD as she had one last year and I don't want to get into the habit of her expecting a party every year. However I feel a little sad that on DD's birthday she will be going to a party where the twins are getting all the attention and sung to and cake etc (rightly so, it is their party).

I don't want to not go to the party, as I don't want to cause friction between friend and myself over what is a relatively small thing. DH says AIBU and should get over myself. But I just feel a bit sad for DD.

OP posts:

nowwearefour · 12/12/2011 12:21

this happened to my dd.we decided to decline the party invite, the friend understood and we were free to celebrate dd's birthday as we had originally planned.

Pandemoniaa · 12/12/2011 12:21

You'll "just have to make a fuss of her in the morning"? Well I'd have assumed that was a given! Don't make it sound such a chore!!

seeker · 12/12/2011 12:21

Serves you right for not giving her a party! "don't want her to get used to having a party every year"......I've never heard the like!

choceyes · 12/12/2011 12:23

"don't want her to get used to having a party every year".

Why not?? They are only little for a short time, after a few years they wouldn't even want a party! I love giving birthday parties, even if it's just a few friends at home and cut a cake kind of thing.

Original poster

Chesticles · 12/12/2011 12:28

When I said I didn't want her to get used to having a party every year, I meant a hire a hall/soft play/boucy castle type party with all the trimmings etc. She's obviously going to have a cake and a few balloons etc at home with her brothers and grandparents. I'm not much of a horrible mother .

OP posts:

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 12:29

Why don't you suggest a shared party for next year, so you can share the fun and share the costs.

ZonkedOut · 12/12/2011 12:30

Have you asked her what she'd like to do? 6 is old enough to have an idea, surely? Other than that, I think you are overthinking it, why can't she enjoy a party on her birthday even if it isn't her own?

hairypotter · 12/12/2011 12:30

But the other mum is a very good friend. Wouldn't you do the same thing for your friends child knowing it was their birthday too

As I said, I wouldn't just rock up with a cake and demand that they sing happy birthday to her, but she is godmother to the twins so I would be amazed if the other mum has not considered the possibility of including her dd in some way

festi · 12/12/2011 12:37

It wouldnt bother me my dd attended someonelses party on her birthday, it wasnt an issue at all.

flowerytaleofNewYork · 12/12/2011 12:50

I don't understand the and the 'friction'. Your friend wanted a party for her DTs, tried for the Saturday but couldn't get it. What was she supposed to do?

TubbyDuffs · 12/12/2011 12:52

Presumably the party is a mere 2 hours of the day taken up, therefore you still have plenty of time to do something special elsewhere for your daughter.

YABU

jellybeans · 12/12/2011 13:12

I am not sure. I would send mine if i was not doing anything else nice and then have a little cake for her at home afterwards. I don't think you need to have a party every year, mine haven't. Sometimes we just have family parties. At most parties, you cannot even tell who the birthday child is anyway-they all do the same thing other than the cake and song bit. So they don't really get lavished with attention. It's no big deal either way as long as you rsvp.

poppercondria · 12/12/2011 13:24

I agree with onefatcat - I don't get the 'I don't want her to get used to it' thing. Birthday parties can be very cheap and simple - a few friends, some games, a cake.

My DS spent his birthday at a friend's birthday party this year - he had a grand time. But then he was having his own party the next day, so he was fine with it.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 12/12/2011 13:35

Ask your daughter what she wants to do. She's plenty old enough to choose.

If she says no, tell your friend your daughter doesn't want to come, cos it's her birthday. No problem with that.

If she wants to go, chat to your friend. Say you weren't sure if your dd would want to come, cos it's her birthday and she won't be the one being made a fuss of at the party, and singing Happy Birthday to other people on her birthday. Don't push it too much, but at least chat around the subject so your friend has the chance to offer for your dd to have a cake at the party too. If she doesn't want to, she won't offer.

bubby64 · 12/12/2011 13:41

Sorry, but YABU. Make a fuss of DD, do cake and pressies and then go on to her friends party. We have this every year, My twins are 2 days older than and my friends twins, we either do a joint party (as this year), or we arrange that whoever has their birthday nearest the weekend does a party with the other 2 as guests, as long as you make the day special for your daughter in some way (preferrably before the party) and she is aware that its the twins special time as well, I can't see the problem in her going, otherwise she misses out from a party altogether

porcamiseria · 12/12/2011 13:48

just ask your DD what she wants to do, and this can dicate it. I do get why you feel this way and dont think YABU. you only have one b day a year and I think its not ideal for your DD to have to celebrate others on her day!!!!

PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo · 12/12/2011 13:52

YABU. My dc have been to other people's birthday parties on their own birthdays. They think it's a total hoot. We make a fuss of them in the morning, with presents and a special Birthday Breakfast, they get to go to a party that day, and they still have their own party to look forward to!.

I do remind my dc that it's not their party, and that they are not to mention that it is their birthday as well. After all, it's the other child's special day. Every time that the party child's parent has known that it was my child's birthday that day, they have given my child something extra as well, usually at the end of the party.

Scholes34 · 12/12/2011 14:04

I assume as your DD is so young, you'll be with her at the soft play area. I don't understand what the problem is. It will only be for a couple of hours. If that's too difficult for you, perhaps your friend could arrange her twins' birthday for another weekend. She sounds very nice and accommodating. I'm sure she would.

My DS1 shares a birthday with a friend, and was at his paint-balling party for most of the day on his birthday. We didn't get together as a family until 8.00 pm, but had a lovely time together and opened cards and presents then. DS1 had a great day and celebrated with more friends the following weekend.

DeWe · 12/12/2011 14:18

It wouldn't occur to me to do a cake for another child if their birthday was that day. If I was going to do it then I'd ask rather than juts do it, or you can end up with someone being offended that you're trying to take over their child's birthday.

But I don't think you should be asking if it's ok to do that unless you're offering to pay for part of the party.

I would send her, and if she is given a cake, then it's a bonus, but certainly don't expect it.

HoHoOpotomus · 12/12/2011 14:24

Those soft play parties go for a max of 3 hours. Plenty left in the day to do something nice for your DD's birthday isn't there?

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 12/12/2011 14:29

My DD turned five a couple of months ago and I could have moved her birthday by about a week and she wouldn't have noticed! I don't think they pay much attention to actual dates at that age. Could you, for one year, celebrate her birthday on the Saturday? And then look into joint parties for next year perhaps.

Or, if I've read the OP wrong and she is 6 and so might be aware of dates, ask her what she'd like to do?

aldiwhore · 12/12/2011 14:33

You're very good friends with this lady, ask if the children would mind singing Happy Birthday to your dd too... not with her own cake or anything. We've done this at my son's party which happened to be on another boy's birthday. He was chuffed, but it was still my son's party.

She'd be a bit mean to refuse.

Maybe joint parties in the future would be a good way to get round this? There's 4 children in my youngest's class with birthdays really close together, so we'll be doing joint parties (and probably a sepearte exclusive family birthday tea as well).

Cherriesarelovely · 12/12/2011 14:33

How does your DD feel about it? I would take my lead from that. If she wants to go then take her and then plan something fun and special for her at another time of the day, if she doesn't then politely decline. I don't think YABU for wanting your DD to be the centre of attention on her own bday.

Cherriesarelovely · 12/12/2011 14:35

I think it is a bit strange that your friend hasn't realised the situation herself tbh and said something to you about it.

halcyondays · 12/12/2011 14:36

Yabu, she was being nice by inviting your dd to the party and I'm sure your dd will enjoy the party. I don't understand why you think she has done something wrong? As their birthdays are so close, it's not surprising that she is having her party on that day, and it's not her fault that you've decided not to have a party for your own dd.

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