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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Update on "AIBU to want to keep SIL at arm's length" (the faux "twin" breaker-upper)

65 replies

Bobbymac · 12/12/2011 11:18

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1323504-AIBU-to-want-to-keep-SIL-at-arms-length?msgid=28951196#28951196

Hi all. There's a link above. I'm the lady in Durham with the SIL who openly admitted hating me for 20 years and at the same time is very intense with DD. (The one who pushed for DD's mobile number and proceeded to send her very matey texts).

DH had written a reasonable letter to his sis, asking her to stop texting DD because, given all her antipathy (which she had voiced within earshot of DD), it seemed to put DD in the middle of an unfair situation.

Today we received a parcel from SIL for DD - "For my special girl", containing a very expensive bracelet engraved with a personal message all about the nature of love, and a framed photo of SIL and DH hugging. I feel guilty about this but it all seems so OTT... the photo especially.

No message to us parents or apology for the abuse last time we met (not that I expected one ).

I don't want to give these gifts to my DD. Any thoughts.

OP posts:
ddubsgirl · 12/12/2011 11:21

Send them back

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 12/12/2011 11:22

Yes, return them.

AMumInScotland · 12/12/2011 11:23

Since DH has already asked her to stop texting, I think it would be perfectly fair to return these gifts - she seems to be trying to make a point by sending such OTT sentimental stuff to your DD. If it was just an ordinary sort of present then that would be fine. But this is odd and unpleasant.

littlepie · 12/12/2011 11:25

My initial thought was send them back, but then I've just quickly read your other thread where your DH wrote SIL a letter saying she could keep in touch with your DD through you. Isn't this what she has done?

Mind you, reading the other stuff she sounds awful and manipulative, so I can understand why you'd just send them back. What does your DH want to do?

ChristinedePizanne · 12/12/2011 11:28

I wouldn't give them to your DD - they are horribly manipulative

racingheart · 12/12/2011 11:28

She sounds a little unhinged. But if you send them back, that's playing to her sense of you as a bad person. I'd give them to your DD without comment if you have the strength, or with some wry comment about her not really having the first clue about love since she has been so unwelcoming to you, but hey if DD likes the bracelet, let her have it. IMO anyone who has to prove and publicise their love through bracelet engravings is on the wrong track in the first place.

Original poster
Bobbymac · 12/12/2011 11:29

TYPO! Sorry - photo was of DD and SIL hugging.

OP posts:
Crazyfatmamma · 12/12/2011 11:30

Simple- You know how the postal service is of late- the parcel got lost in the post now didnt it!! :)

Original poster
Bobbymac · 12/12/2011 11:32

DH thinks we should send them back.

I wouldn't mind if it was all a bit less intense, but I feel she is trying to manipulate DD

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 11:36

Sending it back could give the aunty ammunition against the mother and father. If the chid were 4 or 5 I'd say send it back but she's 11, I think there has to be some kind of involvement/discussion with the child.

Kids aren't daft, I think I'd talk to your daughter.

WannabeMegMarch · 12/12/2011 11:43

Briefly read over the other thread. Dont think I would send them back as its adding fuel to the fire and will be mis-interpreted (dont think you SIL speaks Healthy Adult, does she?). I would sit with DD and discuss it; she's old enough to be brought into it. Explain that these have come for her, your reservations about the attempts to 'replace' your mother-daughter relationship and that some adults dont understand boundaries too well. Maybe even talk about how people try to manipulate our feelings. Let her decide whether or not to send a 'thank you'.

annaklingon · 12/12/2011 12:09

I would send them back.

And have a chat with your DD about inappropriate boundaries and how some people can't respect other people's relationships and don't know when to butt out.

FWIW I'm going through similar and it's a nightmare

schobe · 12/12/2011 12:16

I would definitely try to be tactfully open with your DD. It may be wiser to let her keep the bracelet and picture if she wants to, but with lots of talking about boundaries and stuff that others have said here.

I'm just thinking ahead to those tricky teen years where they hate your guts and will run away to a doting SIL - one who would just love that kind of power to sabotage your family. I would tread carefully as things can be twisted in the future. "Look at the beautiful gifts I had heartlessly returned to me over the years. Your mum's a MONSTER I tell you."

CarefullyAirbrushedPotato · 12/12/2011 12:19

I agree with your DH, send it back

olgaga · 12/12/2011 12:19

I think if DH wants to send them back with a letter it's up to him - it's his sister after all.

Agree it's horribly manipulative, and you have a duty to protect your daughter from manipulative behaviour, no matter who's doing it.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 12/12/2011 12:25

Personally I would actually throw them in the bin and never mention them again, and never mention them to DD, but that's just me. If your DH wants to return them, let him.

snuffaluffagus · 12/12/2011 12:27

I would discuss it with your husband and daughter as a family - she'll appreciate being treated like a grown up. Tell her she can keep the photo frame but can always replace the photo in it with one of her friends etc if she likes - same with the braclet really. Don't let your SIL cause a wedge.

Has she stopped texting your daughter?

TroublesomeEx · 12/12/2011 12:32

I wouldn't return the gifts but I would be open and honest with your DD.

She sounds more than a little odd.

Your DH has made your feelings clear and this is her response. She doesn't have a 'right' to your daughter in any capacity.

If I were in your shoes, it wouldn't even have got this far. (I say that after a MIL outrage yesterday when I well and truly put my foot down)

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 12/12/2011 12:36

Very weird situation. Off to read original thread now as I don't remember it - but from this thread alone, it's weird!

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 12/12/2011 12:36

I wouldnt send them back.
I would keep them for when you DD is a lot older (18) and then you can explain why you didnt feel it was appropriate to give them to her when you got them.

I say this from the perspective of an adoptive mother who has kept everything from birth mother, however inappropriate (and boy is it inappropriate) because it belongs to my son, not me.

There is NO way I can show him it yet and when I do I will have to do it carefully. But I dont want him turning on me one day and saying I tried to stop his b.mum communicating with him.

I know the situation is different but there are similarities. This stuff belongs to your DD but she isnt ready to receive it. So keep it until she can understand the context in which is was sent.

But if you are really wanting to cut off all ties - send it back. Personally I think it will add to SIL's fantasy of being kept away from her 'special girl' and possibly make things worse.

But I couldnt be sure. You just never know.

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 12/12/2011 12:41

I've just read this and through your last thread and it screams BPD at me - her, not you - but who knows.

Having first hand experience of dealing with similar I can see why your DH just wants to send it back as it is manipulative, but I think there's some milage in discussing it openly with your daughter. Perhaps focussing on gifts doesn't = affection.

culturemulcher · 12/12/2011 12:41

I wouldn't return the gifts, but I'd let your SIL know that you've put them away for Christmas. A crisp ' Thanks for sending DD's Xmas present' should do it. The impact of the present will be much less if your DD opens them amongst the other squillion she'll have on Xmas day.

Although I must admit those presents are definitely Hmm.

It's a hard line to negotiate, but your DC should be given the present her Aunt's sent her.

If she sends any other presents I'd put them away for the next birthday, Xmas, etc.

Original poster
Bobbymac · 12/12/2011 12:43

Having texted DH "Fine", in response to his letter, she has stopped texting DD.

The photo of DD and SIL hugging felt very inappropriate (not just because it was taken just after SIL had told me how much she hated me) - it feels like she's trying to get DD to feel a certain way about her, see her in this loving caring, light. The message on the bracelet included "love is patient" (and SIL had already told me on our last visit that she will be able to see DD as and when she likes once DD is 18).

It's horrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbymac · 12/12/2011 12:58

DH just wants to send them back - feels it would put DD in the middle of a difficult situation. DD is quite perceptive but it's hard to explain emotional manipulation.

After our last visit to IL's, we talked to DD about the fact that SIL has issues which she needs to sort out. We explained that some of it stems from fact that SIL has no children. I've decided to tell DD alot more of the history when she's older.

I wish SIL would find a partner, but to date, all her relationships have invariably been with married men, who eventually won't leave their families for her (as she hopes they will). I think all that hasn't helped.

OP posts:
DeWe · 12/12/2011 14:09

I'd send the photo back. Can't imagine that your dd would feel anything but "yuck" over it. Probably discuss with your dd what to do with the bracelet.