Update on "AIBU to want to keep SIL at arm's length" (the faux "twin" breaker-upper)

[Bobbymac]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1323504-AIBU-to-want-to-keep-SIL-at-arms-length?msgid=28951196#28951196

Hi all. There's a link above. I'm the lady in Durham with the SIL who openly admitted hating me for 20 years and at the same time is very intense with DD. (The one who pushed for DD's mobile number and proceeded to send her very matey texts).

DH had written a reasonable letter to his sis, asking her to stop texting DD because, given all her antipathy (which she had voiced within earshot of DD), it seemed to put DD in the middle of an unfair situation.

Today we received a parcel from SIL for DD - "For my special girl", containing a very expensive bracelet engraved with a personal message all about the nature of love, and a framed photo of SIL and DH hugging. I feel guilty about this but it all seems so OTT... the photo especially.

No message to us parents or apology for the abuse last time we met (not that I expected one ).

I don't want to give these gifts to my DD. Any thoughts.

This is grooming and in your position I would get some legal advice. If your SIL won't back off I would consider taking out a restraining order on her if necessary re zero contact, presents etc (though get some therapeutic advice about that too re you need expert advice as you don't want to be fanning the flames of your SIL's misplaced ardour). Your daughter is 11, you need to protect her. I wouldn't give her the presents and I would do all I can to get this frightening and dangerous woman out of your daughter's orbit. If she is indeed BPD then the 'love' can turn to hate in the blink of an eye and will be just as tenacious and longlasting. Protect your daughter from her.

Just wanted to paste in the original post (so I'm not misleading anyone on the history). Here it is:

I'm 51 and live in Durham with DH of 20 years and DD (11). SIL (45) and MIL live in London.

For 20 years, SIL has been dismissive and rather offhand with me (which I've ignored), and recently told me she has loathed me since the first day she met me.

From the outset, DH made it clear his sis has emotional problems (big history) and is very self-absorbed. Families are what they are, so I made a big effort with her. Then both SIL and MIL reacted badly to my longed-for PG, with MIL saying that through my relationship with DH, I'd split up her family (she reeled off a list of complaints from SIL about my character). Since then, to appease MIL, I have considered everything with "allowances for SIL" in mind - I've cut her a lot of slack, been supportive in her crises and bent over backwards to make her feel included (even took her on hols with us). I've been sympathetic through the moods, mystery illnesses and accidents (usually occurring when she can't deal with things or can't get what she wants). I have turned a blind eye to her and MIL's manipulations and at times have put SIL's needs above DD's! MIL will do anything to keep her happy and has always expected me to do likewise. I wish I'd taken a firmer line because now, after years of it, I feel like a doormat to a petulant child:

Since we moved from London, SIL refuses all invitations to visit us (we have to go to her), and then, because we can't visit often, she and MIL imply that we marginalise her. She has been increasingly rude to me, seems to delight in undermining my authority in front of DD (and steering DD to do likewise) and acts with total disrespect to DH and myself. It's like a game she plays. She was recently very OTT affectionate with DD, making out she has been cruelly separated from her "special girl" - and yet in the 7 years we lived in London, didn't once offer to read her a story or take DD out (it used to be as if DD was her rival for MIL's attentions).

During a recent abusive tirade, she railed at me aggressively, mocking my role as DD's mother, then suddenly changed tack, ran for DD and sobbed hysterically on her shoulder (as if I'd upset her!) I had to just sit there and take her personal insults, for fear of upsetting MIL and the whole apple cart. (She was a b*h and knows she can get away with it in front of her family). I managed to placate her but now the dust has settled, I've decided I don't want to see her again for a long time - I feel too demoralised.

The thing is, she is hinting that she intends to be DD's mentor and confidante . She seems to think this is her right, irrespective of what us parents think. (She has told DD that when she gets sick of her mother, SIL will be there for her). She also insisted on taking DD's mobile number and has been sending her intensely "chummy" texts.

I feel sorry that she has no kids, but I just don't trust her to act maturely with DD.

Obviously, there's alot to this, but for starters, AIBU to want to keep SIL at arm's length from DD and keep our visits to London to a minimum? (DH is fine with this). Do I lay down boundaries/ground rules? And what do I tell DD (who is totally beguiled with SIL)?

Add message | Report | Message poster springydaffs Mon 12-Dec-11 21:35:40
This is grooming and in your position I would get some legal advice. If your SIL won't back off I would consider taking out a restraining order on her if necessary re zero contact, presents etc (though get some therapeutic advice about that too re you need expert advice as you don't want to be fanning the flames of your SIL's misplaced ardour). Your daughter is 11, you need to protect her. I wouldn't give her the presents and I would do all I can to get this frightening and dangerous woman out of your daughter's orbit. If she is indeed BPD then the 'love' can turn to hate in the blink of an eye and will be just as tenacious and longlasting. Protect your daughter from her.

I completely agree with this post, please see the seriousness of this situation and get a resstraining order out against this woman (who sounds like she has a personality disorder).

Don't send the gifts back, keep them and explain to dd in a few years why you didn't give them to her. Your dd also needs to know that her aunt is hateful to you, don't keep this from her.

Act now and above all keep this woman and any attempts to contact your dd away. The woman is unhinged - and dangerous.

If I were you I would be seeking legal advice. At this stage just keep hold of the gifts and try and get in a free half hour prior to Christmas if you can.

Although I would probably want to send the gifts back anyway.

If this were an BIL, rather than a SIL, how would you react to the behaviour towards your DD? I find it all very sinister, and I am not someone who sees abusers lurking in every corner. I'd put a block on your SIL's number on DD's phone and return the gifts. How your SIL feels isn't your concern, however the welfare of your daughter is.

I have faced a v similar situation and would offer you two thoughts. Don't waste money or fan the flame by sending the presents back. If you can bear to see the bracelet on your DD's arm/frame in your house - give it to her with the talk the other posters have suggested. Because money is v tight, I would rewrap the gifts and pass them off as my own (my DD's were younger).

However second thought - AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE. She is dangerous. You have to protect your child and the sick emotional abuse, that to a young child can pervert and damage the way she views healthy family life. When your DD is much older, then she can make up her own mind, but for now, I would shield her from any more emotional blackmail.

My DC were relieved to have no more contact - I had no idea they might feel that way.

Thanks all. My priority is to protect DD - it's complex as previously the manipulation has also been aggravated by MIL. But I think DH is right - if we don't draw a line, we're only going to perpetuate this.

He hasn't sent anything yet, but he's written a note to his sis, explaining that the gifts are lovely but in light of recent events, it's too much too soon, and that the bracelet inscription is perhaps sending a bit of an odd message - that SIL's love for DD will outlast all others. He adds that he hopes this message is unintentional.

Apparently, MIL has been asking him/us to visit again and we've agreed that he'll go alone in January (though he hasn't told MIL that DD and I aren't coming).

I think you have done the perfect thing in response. She needed to be told these gift items were not appropriate. Well done.

Also good move by planning not to visit. Best to keep away, both you and your DD.

I think you are very controlled about this whole situation. I would be cutting both SIL amd MIL out of DDs and my life. My DH would keep in touch with MIL but that would be it. I would explain the whole thing to your DD when she is around 15 or 16, print out this thread so she can see how many people think her aunt is unstable when she is old enough to read it. Get that restraing order out now or at least a solicitors letter.

I think I would be honest with your DD about the gifts, explaining that they are a bit odd and inappropriate (they are like something you would send to someone you were in a relationship with, not your niece!). I think most 11 yr olds would get that and often your SIL grabbing her and sobbing on her shoulder I'm assuming she'll get it too.

Are you keeping a low key eye on your DD's phone and any other methods of communication? I wouldn't be surprised if sil had already been in touch with her somehow. Seems very out of character for her just to accept what your DH has said and not try to push it.

As for your DH visiting in Jan, I agree with you and your DD not going as SIL obv has very strong feelings towards both of you.

Many thanks all. WhoWho - yes will keep a close eye on phone, as SIL seems very determined.

Although DH asked her to keep it between the two of them, I fear SIL has already told MIL, but DH is prepared for any backlash.

Am planning to have a post-Christmas talk to DD about the gifts (and wouldn't return SIL's gifts til after Xmas, as everything can seem so heightened at Christmas).

Jelly15 - I agree - having full and frank chat with DD when she's a bit older. It's so reassuring to get perspective on all this from MN - it has been a real help.

Will update as and when!

whatever issues she has, they belong to her, and she shouldn't be anywhere near your daughter. that includes ridiculous gifts, emotionally blackmailing your dd with 'love is patient'?

I wouldn't even show my dd that. I might casually say about the frame. In fact i would wrap it back up, without the picture, and say 'here's something from aunty for xmas'

You have to protect your dd. i have a bit of exp, being put in a very difficult situation with my child's father, sending things.

Your dd doesn't need this shit. It will escalate. I don't think your dh's reply is stong enough tbh, it's enabling her to continue her contact. I know you said she could have contact thru you, but tbh I would stop it altogether. I would not let a grown woman who had sobbed on my daughter ANYWHERE near her. Your dd can't carry her shit.

I agree with above two posts. Keep her away from your dd and don't give her ANY gifts at all from her. She lost that right with her manipulative behaviour. Be prepared - this woman is on a mission to get to your dd, don't underestimate her, which is why a restraining order and a Frank descussion with your dd when she is older about how wrong this woman is, is needed.