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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Update on "AIBU to want to keep SIL at arm's length" (the faux "twin" breaker-upper)

65 replies

Bobbymac · 12/12/2011 11:18

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1323504-AIBU-to-want-to-keep-SIL-at-arms-length?msgid=28951196#28951196

Hi all. There's a link above. I'm the lady in Durham with the SIL who openly admitted hating me for 20 years and at the same time is very intense with DD. (The one who pushed for DD's mobile number and proceeded to send her very matey texts).

DH had written a reasonable letter to his sis, asking her to stop texting DD because, given all her antipathy (which she had voiced within earshot of DD), it seemed to put DD in the middle of an unfair situation.

Today we received a parcel from SIL for DD - "For my special girl", containing a very expensive bracelet engraved with a personal message all about the nature of love, and a framed photo of SIL and DH hugging. I feel guilty about this but it all seems so OTT... the photo especially.

No message to us parents or apology for the abuse last time we met (not that I expected one ).

I don't want to give these gifts to my DD. Any thoughts.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 12/12/2011 14:21

I am some similar experience to this.

I would send them back but your dd can't find out that gifts were sent to her.

LydiaWickham · 12/12/2011 14:27

I wouldn't send them back, but that doesn't mean you have to give them to DD as they are.

What's the photo frame like? Nice on it's own? Remove the photo. Re-wrap the frame, give it to DD from her Aunt for christmas. You can say SIL suggested this photo (show photo) to put in it, or would DD like to go through any other photos and you/DH will get one she's printed out in the right size. I can't imagine your DD would pick that one of her Aunt and Dad, if you could steer DD to a photo of say, her with her Dad, that might be more popular.

Re the bracelet, I think I'd not give that, although as others have said, on Christmas day, with everything else she's going to get, it could reduce it's 'power'.

Jelly15 · 12/12/2011 15:44

Replace the photo with one of you, DH and DD and say the present is from you and DH. You have to turn the tables on her and beat her at her own game.This woman is seriously weird and I would cut her out of you lives explaining the whole thing to DD when she is a bit older.

Jelly15 · 12/12/2011 15:48

My SIL is single and childless and tries to make out she has a close bond with her DNs and DNs. DS 18 went to uni last year as did DN 18, SIL rang them both and told them not to bother parents with any worries or problems and to go to her instead. DS and DN have laught like idiots about it, as she is the last person they would go to.

Original poster
Bobbymac · 12/12/2011 17:39

Photo is of DD and SIL (not DH - typo earlier, sorry!).

The message on the bracelet includes the words "love is patient" (it seemed like the kind of gift you'd give to a boyfriend/girlfriend)

During her last tirade, SIL told me that she would be able to see DD as and when she wanted to, once DD is 18.

To be honest I'm finding it all a bit unhealthy, given the way she behaved with DD on our last visit - the intensity, both physical and emotional (and all the stuff about how much she has hated me for 20 years).

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbymac · 12/12/2011 17:47

If you haven't read the original thread, back in Summer, SIL reacted badly to my broaching the subject of boundaries, became very aggressive and cynical (within earshot of DD, though I managed to shut the door for part of it). Then, when she had appeared to calm down, she suddenly ran and grabbed DD and started sobbing on her shoulder. It was all very unpleasant/inappropriate.

When SIL let DD go, she then shut herself in another room and refused to talk. I got my DH in to mediate (he's very balanced). But SIL then told me how much she has hated me and how she thought I was a bitch from the day she first met me.

OP posts:
elinorbellowed · 12/12/2011 17:52

I'd be tempted to send it back with a note saying it's innappropriate. However, it does seem more mature to hold on to it until she's 18. 'Love is patient'. That's a bit creepy.
Don't give it to her. She's too young.

tulipgrower · 12/12/2011 18:30

I'd just quietly hang onto the items. Put them in the back of the cupboard for a few years. I think returning the items might just feed the drama.

JamieComeHome · 12/12/2011 18:34

I think it's unfair to put the onus on your DD for protecting herself from her SIL. You, as an adult, have a full understanding of the situation. I would throw them away.

JamieComeHome · 12/12/2011 18:35

I have an 11 year old DC, BTW.

TheOriginalFAB · 12/12/2011 18:38

How are you going to deal with the thank you note issue?

snuffaluffagus · 12/12/2011 18:39

The inscription is a bit creepy yes.. send it back.

Are you confident she's not contacting your daughter on Facebook or anything? Sounds a likely scenario, if not now, in the near future.

G1nger · 12/12/2011 18:40

Your daughter doesn't need her passive-aggressive shit. My eldest sister sends this sort of rubbish to her daughters - daughters who she wasn't willing to fight for to get them back when she had the chance. Normal adults don't play these sort of games - your daughter needs you to protect her from this nonsense.

JamieComeHome · 12/12/2011 18:43

BTW - your SIL sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder

racingheart · 12/12/2011 19:15

I don't understand why everyone is advising you to join in her melodrama. Just give the present to your daughter. tell your daughter you think it's OTT and creepy and explain why. But don't go hiding things in cupboards and sending them back. Imagine if someone did this to resents you'd sent - you'd think they were the manipulative nutter. Rise above her behaviour and act normally, but do explain to your daughter as clearly as you can that her aunt is not to be trusted.

Original poster
Bobbymac · 12/12/2011 19:31

racingheart - I see your point, but just thought I should ask, have you read the entire thread (link is above)?

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 12/12/2011 20:00

Well, then maybe the photo frame without photo,(as nothing from SIL might be noticed by DD). I agree sending back the gifts might end up causing more drama. Yes, she can contact DD when DD's 18, but if DD hasn't seen her inbetween, I can't imagine she'll want to be SIL's little girl. SIL probably won't want a relationship with DD as an adult.

Send a thank you note/text from you thanking her for DD's Christmas gifts.

Heleninahandcart · 12/12/2011 20:11

You have already spoken to DD about SIL's behaviour not being balanced? In this case I would be open with DD about the gifts, talk to her about how they are inappropriate and tell her you will keep them in the binsomewhere in case she would like them when she is older. This way there are no secrets with DD, SIL cannot use the existence of the presents to try and drive a wedge between you and SIL should get the message that her tactics have not worked.

Either that, or start making plans to lay a new patio and invite SIL to vist Hmm

Slambang · 12/12/2011 20:17

Agree with racingheart. Play it low key and unbothered (to dd). Let dd have the presents and make sure she writes a very non commital thank you letter.

Dear Aunty x Thank you very much for the bracelet and picture. I had a lovely Christmas and we had a nice time. Love dd

Then you could 'put the present away' to forget all about it keep it safe.

Any other reaction is playing her game of upping the emotional stakes and putting yourself in the bad guy position.

wheredidyoulastseeit · 12/12/2011 20:25

I agree with racing heart, you are normal so act normally, accept the gift and discuss it with your daughter. Your daughter must have noticed SIl is a bit odd and hiding things in cupboards and not discussing issues all add up to very weird behaviour and that will be you.

SugarPasteChristmasCake · 12/12/2011 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieOliveOil · 12/12/2011 20:54

Perhaps the bracelet with the weird inscription was from one of your SIL's married men!

auntpetunia · 12/12/2011 20:55

Your DD is 11 and from your posts she appears to have no SN, most 11 year old girls would think this sort of behaviour very odd. My 9 year old would.

As you have already made some comments to Dd about Aunty's madness, then I agree with racingheart. Give her the presents before christmas explain to her why you think they are odd, give her the chance to put a decent pic in the frame, hopefully the bracelet will be too big, not her sort of thing, so you can "mind" it for her. She then sends SIL a note saying thanks and that's it.

Don't play to SIL's warped sense of reality. And this way she can't accuse you of hiding things and your DD is able to discuss with you openly any concerns she has about SIL's behaviour that she might currently feel uncomfortable mentioning.

AteAWholePacketOfBiccys · 12/12/2011 21:09

Send it back. She sounds like the type of person who would be saying 'they told me to stay away from but they were happy to keep an expensive braclet' in a month or two.

2rebecca · 12/12/2011 21:13

Are they xmas presents? How do you know what was in the presents? Any presents arriving at our house now for the kids would get left until xmas and I'd expect them to come wrapped. If not a xmas present I'd tell her it's only 2 weeks until xmas and to wait until then until they are given to her. I wouldn't send them back but would tell her I think they are manipulatively sentimental and it's a shame she can't just send a normal kid's present without the OTT emotional stuff and that this attitude is what is going to harm her relationship with you and your daughter.