mother in law coming for christmas - help

[redbluered]

Yesterday in the car with husband (sleeping) children I had confirmed to me what I have suspected all year which is that (i) my MIL dislikes me, my initial reaction was that she hates me (ii) it is her intention and has been the precedent for more or less every single christmas since i met my husband 10 years ago, to be with us on christmas day.

I am now dreading this christmas as it is the first where it is totally clear she intensely dislikes me before she even arrives. Any strategies for how i should cope with her being here (and for every christmas between now and eternity)

A bit of background:

• Have been married to husband for 7 years, two children 3 yrs and 18 months
• MIL and FIL divorced due to MIL going off with someone else when my husband was about 13, followed by (as i understand it, I have not asked the details and its just the gist i have got) several unstable years for my husband with various new partners for MIL resulting finally in MIL settling down with a very nice man 10 years her senior (he is no about 75 or 80, MIL is about 65)
• MIL lives on her own with a cat having refused numerous marriage proposals from about mentioned new partner, they see each other every week but live apart (some small distance about an hour in the car I guess)
• not sure what kind of role my husband played when MIL left FIL all i know is that he hated it and it left a lasting impression on him although he since has said things like all women are evil (he has stopped saying that kind of thing since I picked him up on it) and is alternately very close (almost inappropriately so) and then does not want any contact with his mum
• when we first married MIL asked a lot of questions about how close I am to my family and was glad to hear that I am not particularly close to my family - i thought nothing of it at the time but now it all fits in
• we live about 4 hours away from MIL so visits are infrequent although obviously husband speaks to MIL on phone - this year she has seen our children once so she has a very justified complaint that she has not seen our children enough although son is now resistant to this
• in summary I think MIL tolerated me when we first married but now she hates me and has made it clear

The phone conversation was yesterday on the loudspeaker in the car - they raised the issue of Christmas quite agressively saying they had booked a hotel and after my husband said we (husband our children and me) wanted christmas day on our own as a family and could they come boxing day onwards, they both (MIL and her partner) got very pushy and agressive with MIL grabbing the phone and shouting - "is all of this [MY NAME i.e daughter in law]'s doing?"
It is not my doing infact apart from the conversation about us spending christmas as a family i have had no other conversation about christmas with my husband at all

My husband replied "[my name] is sat next to me in the phone you know" - short pause, then MIL says "fine" and slams down phone

There is other background to all this but husband (on his own initiative) admits MIL has been rude and that she must not come - husband seemed angry - after that he phoned MIL leaving a message saying the invitiation generally to come to christmas was cancelled

However knowing how things go with his family MIL and her partner WILL still come for christmas and 3 days afterwards

MIL regularly bitches about my housework (i can say with hand on heart my housework is good, not perfect but our house is clean and regularly kept that way by both me and husband - MIL makes comments that husband has to do far too much due to my laziness because i work 4 days per week)

How will i cope - i can only imagine she will arrive but not speak to me for 3 days and this will be the case for every christmas going forward
Do I just keep my head down in the kitchen. this is my current plan

Tell her you and the kids and husband will visit her on boxing day, take them out for a meal then go home.

It sounds like my idea of hell, husband has told her she's not coming, just stick to it.

Why would you let DH back down? It's your home too, you shouldn't have guests who are rude and unpleasant to you. If they come and stay in a hotel, let him go out and see them somewhere neutral if he wants. Life's too short to spend it with people you feel hate you.

don't open the front doorr is also a plan. oh and make sure the dc don't either.

I don't know what's gone on between you and your MIL for her to be so funny towards you- pop psychology time, she probably feels threatened by you as you give her son the stability that she failed to provide him with during his teenage years and all that- but it is quite clear that they MUSTN'T come for Christmas. It's insane that they feel so entitled to come to yours for Christmas that they actually shout the odds when told you just want a quiet family one this year! DH needs to stick to his guns and put up a united front. They shouldn't be "fed" for this kind of behaviour.

Don't have her in your house. She's not your problem. I wouldn't let her cross my threshold.

They´ve booked a hotel so don´t let them in/be out & about.

Your husband has told them not to come for Christmas, if they do, that´s up to them, but you need to not see them if they do turn up.

Why does she want to come of she doesn't even like you? Sounds like it would be a horrible way to spend Xmas day for all of you. As others have said, tell her you will see her after Christmas. At least you don't have to worry about upsetting/offending her as she clearly wasn't bothered about doing that to you.

thanks all
a few things

• on the housework front for example earlier in the "car" conversation my husband said we were going to the supermarket to allow the little ones a run around (it was pouring with rain just something to do on a sunday afternoon) and she was very sarcastic assuming I think i leave all the supermarket shop to my husband on a sunday afternoon (she didnt think i was in the car at that stage)
• she can be a bit flirty with my husband in her tone of voice which sometimes he plays up to or am i imagining it
• we never (and i mean never) go to my parents which is my choice but just making the point because it is not like it is unbalanced

dont think shutting the door will be the option as it will just feed her decision that i am shutting her out. my husband and i have not had an easy year in terms of our marriage but i think she would take any opportunity to feed any insecurity between us, or maybe thinking thoughts like that just open the door to making things worse when i just need to solider thro

Well I think you're being a bit mean

They have offered to stay in a hotel so you get a break from them

They haven't seen your kids all year

Why can't they come round for Xmas dinner?

It's the four of you the rest of the year by the sounds of it

Your DH has said they aren't coming for Christmas, so they aren't. I can't see why that would change.

Not sure there's proof your MIL hates you though, she hates the fact her son told her they can't come, and she's casting around for someone else to blame, you were first on her list. Maybe she ought to wake up and smell the coffee with regard to how she's treated her son over the years.

So, she doesn't like you (hates you?), has been and will be rude and ungracious to you in your own home, she's been uninvited.... where's the dilemma? Of course she must not come. Sounds like this is of her own making, but someone (your DH really) needs to capitalise on the current situation by making sure she knows that the two of you have decided on this course of action based on her attitude towards you. Otherwies there's no chance of her changing it.

You both need to stand firm to what you want. If you don't want them there on Christmas Day, then stick to it. Maybe it will trigger an argumentdiscussion about what the problems are, but this surely would be a positive thing? You both need to get your concerns / feelings, etc out into the open in order for this to move on.

She sounds like a nightmare! Don't let her in the house, she'll ruin it for you.

Btw, supermarkets aren't playgrounds.

chrimblycompo fair point
two questions

• how should i act - she does not like me and thinks i dont support her son properly?
• is it reasonable to want a family chirstmas with just my husband and children one year or is this not how the real world operates and i should grow up and realise this?

pinkyredrose no, they are not, but if you are totally in control of your children they are somewhere to walk around and let off some steam if you have been indoors all day

redbluered, when DD was born, we said that we would be at home for Christmas and that GP's could take turns to come. It worked OK. We now have Christmas just the four of us now (though we see friends, etc) as both grandparents now prefer to stay at home for their own reasons - we have not fallen out

Your house, your rules! Don't feel guilty about doing what's best for your family.

on the booked a hotel front this is a first year suggestion for this every year prior to this they have stayed at our house. there is some anger (maybe not anger but not sure what the right word is here) that they have booked a hotel. i dont have much annual leave left but i would need to book a day off work to get the spare bedroom sorted if they were going to stay

If anyone's spending a day to get the spare bedroom sorted, surely that should be your DH? A day though? Does it need complete redecoration?

This is all hypothetical though - are they coming? If so, when? And where are they staying? You need to find out these answers before you need to start worrying about anything else.

"Your DH has said they aren't coming for Christmas, so they aren't. I can't see why that would change."

Yes, that exactly.

when it is pissing down we sometimes go to the supermarket just to get out too, kids look at the toys, maybe get a comic etc. I don't think I have considered them to have equal standing with playgrounds either OP, not sure why you needed to be told that.

So who is aggy about the fact they're staying in a hotel? MiL and SFiL?

Are they narky because they've booked a hotel for the entire Christmas period and are annoyed to be told that they're only welcome at yours from Boxing day?

I'm in a muddle, OP. PiLs, Xmas and visiting are my AIBU specialisms, so once I have a handle on the basics of your problem, I'm sure I will be better equipped to dispense with some helpful wisdom

Of course in an ideal world we all host marvellous Christmasses and include all relatives. We're all dutiful even when we don't feel like it.
But I think that there's a line to be drawn if a relative has been bloody rude and unpleasant. Why should the OP host someone who has made no effort to hide the fact that she dislikes her? The MIL needs to know that actions have consequences and watch how she behaves in future.

I think that you should take her on one side and very quietly point out that she has choices. She can either gain a daughter or lose a son, and let her know you have the power to do that. Hopefully she'll think about it and toe the line.

Why would you ever have someone who hates you any where near you or your children.

Tell your husband to man up and tell his mum that you are his wife and he won't tolerate the way she treats you. And to reiterate they are not welcome for Christmas.

Oohyah, Dawn that's pulling out the big guns!