mother in law coming for christmas - help

[redbluered]

Yesterday in the car with husband (sleeping) children I had confirmed to me what I have suspected all year which is that (i) my MIL dislikes me, my initial reaction was that she hates me (ii) it is her intention and has been the precedent for more or less every single christmas since i met my husband 10 years ago, to be with us on christmas day.

I am now dreading this christmas as it is the first where it is totally clear she intensely dislikes me before she even arrives. Any strategies for how i should cope with her being here (and for every christmas between now and eternity)

A bit of background:

• Have been married to husband for 7 years, two children 3 yrs and 18 months
• MIL and FIL divorced due to MIL going off with someone else when my husband was about 13, followed by (as i understand it, I have not asked the details and its just the gist i have got) several unstable years for my husband with various new partners for MIL resulting finally in MIL settling down with a very nice man 10 years her senior (he is no about 75 or 80, MIL is about 65)
• MIL lives on her own with a cat having refused numerous marriage proposals from about mentioned new partner, they see each other every week but live apart (some small distance about an hour in the car I guess)
• not sure what kind of role my husband played when MIL left FIL all i know is that he hated it and it left a lasting impression on him although he since has said things like all women are evil (he has stopped saying that kind of thing since I picked him up on it) and is alternately very close (almost inappropriately so) and then does not want any contact with his mum
• when we first married MIL asked a lot of questions about how close I am to my family and was glad to hear that I am not particularly close to my family - i thought nothing of it at the time but now it all fits in
• we live about 4 hours away from MIL so visits are infrequent although obviously husband speaks to MIL on phone - this year she has seen our children once so she has a very justified complaint that she has not seen our children enough although son is now resistant to this
• in summary I think MIL tolerated me when we first married but now she hates me and has made it clear

The phone conversation was yesterday on the loudspeaker in the car - they raised the issue of Christmas quite agressively saying they had booked a hotel and after my husband said we (husband our children and me) wanted christmas day on our own as a family and could they come boxing day onwards, they both (MIL and her partner) got very pushy and agressive with MIL grabbing the phone and shouting - "is all of this [MY NAME i.e daughter in law]'s doing?"
It is not my doing infact apart from the conversation about us spending christmas as a family i have had no other conversation about christmas with my husband at all

My husband replied "[my name] is sat next to me in the phone you know" - short pause, then MIL says "fine" and slams down phone

There is other background to all this but husband (on his own initiative) admits MIL has been rude and that she must not come - husband seemed angry - after that he phoned MIL leaving a message saying the invitiation generally to come to christmas was cancelled

However knowing how things go with his family MIL and her partner WILL still come for christmas and 3 days afterwards

MIL regularly bitches about my housework (i can say with hand on heart my housework is good, not perfect but our house is clean and regularly kept that way by both me and husband - MIL makes comments that husband has to do far too much due to my laziness because i work 4 days per week)

How will i cope - i can only imagine she will arrive but not speak to me for 3 days and this will be the case for every christmas going forward
Do I just keep my head down in the kitchen. this is my current plan

diddl thanks - you are right

And she probably doesn´t dislike you-just the fact that you married her boy!

Can you say to her on the phone (go on, get the balls to ring her...!!) " I don't want to spend Christmas Day thinking the door bell's going to go at any minute as we want to relax, so I'm just checking what your plans are?" then take it from there.

And your husband needs to stop being such a pussy.

googietheegg because our marriage has been challenging this year (although as I say above if I was a betting person i would bet that if we were left in peace to get on with things we would get through this stage) I am taking the tac that it is for my husband to do the right thing and present a united front to his mother. He needs to know what is the right position (i.e. take my side and also stand up for the right to have christmas with his family if he wants) against his mother and have the courage to stand up to her. I could quite happily never see her again and if i thought it wouldnt potentially damage my marriage to my husband I would phone her up and tell her I think her comment (whether or not she said it not realising I was sat there in the car hearing the conversation) was very rude and I dont want her in our house again (ideally)
But equally I am happy for her to see my husband and the children if she wants so she has no complaint on that front. So if I just stay in the background saying nothing am I either (i) opening myself up to being accused of "influencing" my husband behind the scene - but typing this I think I am his wife ffs OR (ii) allowing myself to be walked over or (iii) starting a precedent where MIL only sees my husband and children without me giving her opportunity to build divisions. If I speak up I am seen as (to use my MIL exact favourite words and yes she has accused someone else of being this way) a controlling bossy interferring cow.
What a lovely in law family i have

Do not let this harridan in to your home, she wrecked her own family fucked up her child now she is moving on to yours.
Tell her she is not welcome

Oh and you could get your wimp husband a spine and some balls for Christmas, he needs to man up

keepinmind - yes she has form. Now she has made this comment which I have heard, not realising I was hearing it (but now the penny has dropped with her no doubt) - it is out in the open. I have told my husband I dont want her to be a factor in any marriage deterioriation. But is this not a journey for my husband to make (to rebel against his mother himself, not for me to wade in and do it for him) - or am i wimping out and risking my marriage even at this stage (the very first christmas of many when it is all out in the open she hates me and the assumption she will be there in our spare room over christmas is under question)

There's clearly unresolved problems with your MIL and your DH. Your MIL sounds quite selfish, she certainly doesn't like you and this is probably due to her not wanting someone to have "her boy", not that she cared particulalry for "her boy" when she had him, she just doesn't want anyone else to have him.
I suggest she is settled with "a very nice man" as he is mug enough to put up with her.
Your DH is torn between love and hate fo rhis mum, he clearly hated what she did, but feels he should love her, as she is her mum, I went through all this with my dad and his vile mother, who hated my mum and told tremendous lies about her. She also tried to break up both her children's marriages: you see, she couldn't stand anyone having more than her or being happy so she had to pick on people all the time to stop them being happy. Your MIL sounds like this.

Your DH really needs to think hard about his feelings towards his mother, they are clearly the root of the problems the two of you are having, it is likely that his mum has a strong hold over him, even if he doesn't realise this, and standing up to her as he has done will put a tremendous strian on him.
I also feel MIL booking into a hotel is a stealth move to cause crap for you over Christmas, I suspect they will turn up and demand hospitality, hotel or no hotel.

I would advise you talk to your DH about how you deal with his terrible chldhood and all the feelings he has still messing him up conerning this. While this happens he absolutely does NOT want to see his mother, she will bring all the anger, guilt, fear, abandonment feelings straight back again.
Standing up to her is a big thing for him and he needs support. My parents never resolved the issue of my dad's horrible controlling mohter and it did lasting damage throughout their relationship so I would urge you to help your DH come to terms with his feelings.

miggsie thanks for your v perceptive post - you have hit the nail on the head
i think our marriage problems (largely) stem from this - but how do i help or do i just wait for it to implode

I think you are handing her victory and the destruction of your marriage. I think if you do a wait and see who he chooses you can only lose because this is how she knows he will react - appease her to keep the peace! I think you need to take control and be an adult. Sit down with your husband and say that you think his mum has put you and him in a difficult situation and whilst you understand that he finds it difficult to stand up to her, she as an adult should respect you and him. She is old enough to have boundaries, he is not her property, she just can't barge in on you when not invited. Don't you dare leave your house, if she turns up, don't lift a finger to make her a tea, do not go into another room, look her in the eye and say. "you aren't welcome in my house, because you have no respect for me and I'm sick of it"

I have recently had to do this with my FIL. It worked!!!

I would say nothing and bite my tongue.

Sorry. Hopelessly dated I know but it does help me (I've tried other approaches) I am dealing with a very toxic MIL (and messed-up mummy's boy DH) and if yours is anything like mine, her real hope is to turn you into nervous wreaks before Christmas and if she actually does turn up, cause one hell of a row. DH will probably crumble at some point in the lead up to Christmas and then you will have to put up with them. He is probably in a state of anxiety at the moment just thinking what may happen.

If the visit happens it is a ONCE in a year visit and should not be allowed to trigger a marriage-break up plus if you say nothing amiss, do nothing amiss and generally hide-out in the kitchen, any attempts to lay blame at your door will be obviously misplaced. You can't reason with a narc (or similar), you can only have a plan and boundaries. There is a lot at stake between you and DH and now is not the time to tackle MIL.

In this case, if she doesn't turn up -brilliant, if she does - mentally be prepared and next year - PLAN A HOLIDAY AWAY!

Be good to yourself - have some fun stuff planned for after Christmas with the family, nice activities, so whatever happens you've got something to look forward to and some nice memories to look back on.

p.s Forgot to say if you behave like the perfect hostess, big smiles etc on Christmas Day, it is very unlikely that she will even mention the phone call. My MIL behaves in the most appalling way and then everything is fine and brushed under the carpet.

I realise my post may sound like I am some stupid 'surrendered' 1950's wife and I am cringing too typing this but actually it does help (as well as having third parties around, any chance of inviting anyone else to lunch, MIL does not act up around others, funny that).

My MIL has a long history of toxic behaviour towards others (it is only coming out slowly from her wider family - what is your MIL's background, I bet she's been trouble all her life) and DH is still too much of a Mummy's Boy to fully deal with it but is improving. Rome was not built in a day.

Anyway, that's the advice I have from an older generation of DIL's who did win out over MIL. Confrontation and expecting DH to deal with it has not got me anywhere.

I quite like that suggestion. Confrontation worked with FIL but DH stood up to MIL himself (they are separated so twice the problem) but if your DH can't stand up for himself then being annoyingly unfazed is also a way out of playing her game. However you shouldn't brush the issue under the carpet with DH, he needs to see that she is creating this tension where you can't win whatever you do and see her for the manipulative person that she is.

thanks ohanotherone and whistle both very very helpful posts to me

Miggsie i have re read your post - my goodness how percepetive you are - do you know us? (only joking) It is almost like you have totally summarised what is going on. This year has been hard in our marriage in so many ways - ways my husband has reacted to our two children have broken my heart - he acts like he wants to exclude me - like i am trying to take them away from him (I absolutely am not!) and at the same time he has his mother whispering in his ear about me not pulling my weight around the house or "be careful if your wife has a close knit family" implying I will suddenly off with the kids at take them off him (as if!)
I am sure it is my husbands mothers influence - my perception is that she totally deprived her son of a male role model during the years he needed it most (teenage years) and on the one hand my husband is fairly domesticated due to an overbearing female influence whilst he was a teenager but at the same time he can get very resentful of having to do any domestic work (because his mother holds herself out as the goddess housewife, she did not work outside the home till she left her husband when my husband was 13)

Sometimes i just think inside about my husband - well off you go back to your mum - although I dont think it for long because l love him and I know he feels this love/hate thing for his mum (although not sure how self aware he is about it all - he would certainly never admit to any of it).

But I never wanted all of this and it seems I am going to have to play some kind of role in it if our marriage is to survive - and i would rather play no role at all. I just want him to be the man in our house and trust me that I am not trying to do him over.

whistledownthewind and ohanotherone your recent posts have been re read and really are extremely helpful to me thank you

Let us know what happens.....hopefully all will be well! Good Luck

What happened last Christmas redbluered? I hope you laid plans early for this Christmas. Best of luck.

I think your DH should get counselling as a matter of urgency to help him understand why he reacts to his mother the way he does, as this is becoming a big factor in your marriage difficulties.

Frankly, I would place conditions on MIL visiting you at your home over Christmas; she is to be courteous and respectful towards you both and your home with no criticisms of food, cleanliness or child rearing. There will be no private chats with DH about you or your marriage. In short, she will be a model guest or you will show her the door.

It worries me that MIL's behaviour will be observed by your DC and it is a most undesirable model for them to copy, that it's OK to be rude and insulting, to force people to do what she wants and bully them. They will pick up the atmosphere of tension on what should be a relaxed family occasion.

THis is a thread from last year FWIW

*whistle" has it sussed. If MIL and DH are in cahoots together then you need to take control of the situation by

1. inviting MIL for xmas
2. being extra nice and smiley (through gritted teeth whilst internalising "FFS FFS")
3. Do not complain about / bad mouth MIL to DH

She sounds very much like my MIL except my own refuses to come to visit us as I (obviously) do not wait on her hand and foot enough whilst she's sat on the sofa and only ever moves to go to the dining room table to eat, then back to the sofa again. She only sees her only grandchild twice a year when my DH takes him to see her.

Don't fuel the flame - do what is best for your marriage which is to get rid of one source of stress: your MIL. This can only be done by bending over backward and being nice to her to her face. Then stabbing the pillow effigy to death with your hairbrush in private.

Oh yes - it IS from last year!