mother in law coming for christmas - help

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Yesterday in the car with husband (sleeping) children I had confirmed to me what I have suspected all year which is that (i) my MIL dislikes me, my initial reaction was that she hates me (ii) it is her intention and has been the precedent for more or less every single christmas since i met my husband 10 years ago, to be with us on christmas day.

I am now dreading this christmas as it is the first where it is totally clear she intensely dislikes me before she even arrives. Any strategies for how i should cope with her being here (and for every christmas between now and eternity)

A bit of background:

• Have been married to husband for 7 years, two children 3 yrs and 18 months
• MIL and FIL divorced due to MIL going off with someone else when my husband was about 13, followed by (as i understand it, I have not asked the details and its just the gist i have got) several unstable years for my husband with various new partners for MIL resulting finally in MIL settling down with a very nice man 10 years her senior (he is no about 75 or 80, MIL is about 65)
• MIL lives on her own with a cat having refused numerous marriage proposals from about mentioned new partner, they see each other every week but live apart (some small distance about an hour in the car I guess)
• not sure what kind of role my husband played when MIL left FIL all i know is that he hated it and it left a lasting impression on him although he since has said things like all women are evil (he has stopped saying that kind of thing since I picked him up on it) and is alternately very close (almost inappropriately so) and then does not want any contact with his mum
• when we first married MIL asked a lot of questions about how close I am to my family and was glad to hear that I am not particularly close to my family - i thought nothing of it at the time but now it all fits in
• we live about 4 hours away from MIL so visits are infrequent although obviously husband speaks to MIL on phone - this year she has seen our children once so she has a very justified complaint that she has not seen our children enough although son is now resistant to this
• in summary I think MIL tolerated me when we first married but now she hates me and has made it clear

The phone conversation was yesterday on the loudspeaker in the car - they raised the issue of Christmas quite agressively saying they had booked a hotel and after my husband said we (husband our children and me) wanted christmas day on our own as a family and could they come boxing day onwards, they both (MIL and her partner) got very pushy and agressive with MIL grabbing the phone and shouting - "is all of this [MY NAME i.e daughter in law]'s doing?"
It is not my doing infact apart from the conversation about us spending christmas as a family i have had no other conversation about christmas with my husband at all

My husband replied "[my name] is sat next to me in the phone you know" - short pause, then MIL says "fine" and slams down phone

There is other background to all this but husband (on his own initiative) admits MIL has been rude and that she must not come - husband seemed angry - after that he phoned MIL leaving a message saying the invitiation generally to come to christmas was cancelled

However knowing how things go with his family MIL and her partner WILL still come for christmas and 3 days afterwards

MIL regularly bitches about my housework (i can say with hand on heart my housework is good, not perfect but our house is clean and regularly kept that way by both me and husband - MIL makes comments that husband has to do far too much due to my laziness because i work 4 days per week)

How will i cope - i can only imagine she will arrive but not speak to me for 3 days and this will be the case for every christmas going forward
Do I just keep my head down in the kitchen. this is my current plan

Have a rude, obnoxious woman who criticises your housework and you in your house for Christmas? Bugger that for a game of soldiers.

I wholeheatedly endorse Dawndonna's suggestion.

husband and i have had a challenging year in terms of our marriage with two young children and a lot of sleeplessness, some money and career issues and very little time to ourselves
my husband has not been 100% happy and nor have i. I am not 100% sure whether MIL has "led" my husband in conversations about whether he is unhappy with her own agenda (i.e she dislikes me) but i am fairly certain husband now (at least with me) acknowledges that he needs to think first in terms of our family
i have asked myself whether my behaviour is manipulative or excluding of MIL and i can honestly say it is not - my husband sees his mother without me whenever he likes (i encourage it) although she lives a long way away so that is infrequent. he regularly talks to her on the phone when i am not there. so there is some insecurity in our marriage but if i were a betting person i would say that left to ourselves we will sort it out.

Did they surprise you by booking the hotel? Or did you know they'd be in the area for Xmas day before telling them they can't come?

Btw, the woman sounds awful. And nuts.

I don't understand? It's a no brainer. She hates you and you dislike her. She comes every year. Tell her you want a year off to spend with your children. Why on earth would you entertain someone in your own home who has admitted they don't like you. You may aswell pull a random stranger off the street and invite them in - you'd probably have a better time.

Lie down on the floor with WELCOME on your back?

I do think that although yanbu, you will probably have to just soldior on and get on with it as you describe. Because if you refuse to let her visit, you are actually playing into her hands making yourself the bad guy and giving her future ammunition. If your dh sticks to his guns and refuses to let her come, great, but if he backs down I would just go with the flow, try to rise above it and be the better person so she has no grounds to throw accusations at you. It sucks, but in the long run I think this is your best option. At least you only have to see the woman once a year!

No, no, no Rhubarbgarden, letting her stay would be playing into her hands. She is manipulative and wants to be in control. OP needs to take control - it is her house, her children and her DH.

ginger yes as far as i know the conversation yesterday was the first my husband had heard of it that they had booked a hotel or the exact dates they wanted to come down (christmas day for 3 days)

My mother in law is a bit like this. Nice to everyone but quite critical in a sleathy passive aggressive way. It's very difficult to tackle with getting into some weird point scoring scenario. You and your husband need to stand firm. She was rude on the phone and now you both do not wish to spend christmas with them. If she apologies to your face with a reasonable excuse you could always have a boxing day lunch with them. My DH set some ground rules with his mother in law...she is better now but not welcome to stay more than one night because she is a lazy critical bitch who likes being waited on hand and foot and emotionally exhausts us all whilst hero worshiping her other son and we can't stand it.

Rhubarb the woman doesn't need ammunition, letting her in gives her ammunition, having a spec of dust gives her ammunition, the OP hiding in her kitchen gives her ammunition. And for three days! When hell freezes over for me.

Well if they have arranged to visit without checking first that´s their own fault.

Lots of people with young families like Christmas Day to themselves.

Is it too late to arrange to go to your parents for Christmas? Cos that way when your MIL turns up at your house, you won't be there. And it sounds like it is very much your turn to choose what you do.

Or, have a very serious discussion with your dh about what you both want, and how you (both) are going to handle the different possible situations. Ideally he needs to phone MIL and make it very clear that if she turns up, he will not be inviting her into the house, and that this is your joint decision. He needs to be the one giving her the "gain a daughter or lose a son" line, not you!

Your dh also needs to be supporting you - it isn't acceptable for a guest in your house to be rude to you or not to speak to you. If she does that, on any occasion, he needs to pull her up on it a couple of times and then tell her to leave. Set some boundaries!

And then have a backup plan in case she turns up and dh wimps out and lets her in "just for a coffee" or whatever. Backup plan preferably involving you taking the children out of the house till she has gone.

In answer to your question up-thread - it is entirely reasonable to spend Christmas with just your husband and children. It is entirely reasonable to do that every year if that is what you both want. It is completely unreasonable to entertain someone in your home who is rude and unpleasant to you. Think about it - would you expect to be invited to the home of a person who you were consistently nasty to?

Ask among your friends if any of them know anybody with the flu. Spend vast amounts of time in the company of the person who has flu. By Christmas itself you should be exhibiting full blown symptoms, you will feel like shit and miss out on Christmas and this is -sadly- the price you'll have to pay, however, if she is as selfish as she sounds, there is no way she'll want to be around you so hopefully she'll stay away. Are you a good actress? If so, fake 'em.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. I sympathise. I really do.

I agree with Dawndonna. I wouldn't have anyone in my house who hated me, wasn't going to speak, but expected me to provide meals!
I would go and see them, with DH, and quietly and politely point out that unless they make an effort to get on and be sociable, then they are simply not welcome. It is their choice.

Your MiL has been told. In fretting about your DH u-turning, you're practically facilitating that happening. Stand firm.

I had a nasty piece of work for a MIl who felt this way about me. I managed to keep her away for many years but in the end she managed to inject DH with her venom and we are now splitting up.

I don't actually think she would have the audacity to behave like this if your DH was standing up to her properly. My DH apparently hated the friction though was not prepared to address the cause of it. He tried to get us to talk directly on a few occasions (pushing the telephone in my hands) but he did not support his spouse and children with his heart and soul and at the first signs of any fragility, fell straight into MIL's trap and is now living back in her pocket again (thankfully, abroad). I saw your comments about being called "lazy" and the "flirty" approach and it brought it all back to me.

Keep the bitch away for as long as you can. I only regret that I never responded to her direct confrontations by letting her know what a deranged, toxic piece of shit she was and that a lot of people in her town felt the same way about her despite the self-imposed pariah-status and the 'oh, i'm so popular.. everyone wants to be my friend".
Behind every weak man is a deranged, overbearing mother. Good luck.

Dh's father remarried. I have one MiL (his current wife) who is amazing. However the ultimatum was issued to dhs birth mother many years ago. She too was critical, wanted to control the grandchildren, praised her other son ( a feckless wastrel, but always played up to her), and expected to be waited on hand and foot. She hasn't been to visit for over ten years. Her loss.

petersham
did you ever confront you ex about his colluding with his mother in law in the early stages when she was? or did you pretend it wasnt happening?

First of all do not have her for Christmas. Second if she is a bitch to you pull her up on it, and tell her you do not need advice from someone who left her husband for another man, and who did not support her own son very well at all. And tell your husband that you are not going to put up with her nastiness anymore and will tell her these things everytime she is nasty.

YANBU, OMG I would be booking Christmas dinner at a restaurant somewhere or, I don't know, be anywhere but at home Christmas day. What a rude obnoxious woman.

Fwiw my mil is a bit like that, although she would NEVER do what your mil has done (hotel wise).

Thankfully my husband and I stand as one and will not go to his mothers home or have her at ours unless we are both there as it is the safest option

Wow - and she did this on the phone when you could hear. And has no remorse at all

In that case you are within your rights to call her and have an enormous go about her behaviour.

Failing that, if she's booked a hotel, she can bloody organise (at her expensive) and nice family dinner at the hotel (or a restaurant nearby).

If your DH stands firm, I would bar her the house. If he gives in though, can you agree to drop the kids off at their hotel for a couple of hours? DH can take them so you don't have to see her. She sounds like a real piece of work.

I definitely definitely would not give in about the house, though! If you do, she'll continue to expect this every year.

From a kid's point of view, my parents barred any visitors on Christmas day, having open house on Boxing day instead. This was after a particularly unpleasant Christmas dinner with the GPs. DF declared he was not having his DW's Christmas ruined by her parents, so it would be easier to be just us. Christmases after that were fab though they got a lot of grief that first year. DH and I are expecting DC1 next year and are planning to hace Christmases exactly as my parents did them, because it was so festive and perfect! Worth the temporary grief.

Yes pre-Dcs I used to get upset about it and bring it up whenever a "situation" arose. However, post-Dcs I made a decision not to engage with her/talk about her crap/talk about her/as far as possible, talk to her. I thought I could make it work as she lived a Eurostar journey away from us but every time she turned up, she would do the frosty but polite European bitch thing and follow this up with a stinging email upon her return, micro-criticising my every move.

Like another poster, my DH was also a "feckless wastrel" whom she had brought up (not exactly benignly) neglectfully - though of course she would remember otherwise and boast about how hands-off and detatched she had been as a parent as though it was a positive thing. When DS' mild special needs surfaced and we happened to be staying in her flat in her country , suddenly it was all my fault, I had caused the SN as I was "overprotective" and "dangerous to have round" my children (bearing in mind that I had brought them up single-handedly as a single parent within a 'sham' marriage. DH had always praised and admired my parenting (he would lay in bed for most of the day, indulge in porn and chatrooms during the night) I had always paid for the house and bills but all of a sudden.. yes, mum was right, I was a lazy cow; the cause of every problem they could come up with. "You should go off and seek out a new life for yourself in another country if you don't like it here - just leave the DCs with me here, there are always holidays for you to come and visit" was what she said to me on the day after we arrived in her backwater. She could not speak English though would talk to them in her language openly telling them what a bad parent their mummy was (in my presence) and that she would have to look after them properly as mummy was incapable of it. Of course they saw her as a wicked old biddy whom they had barely seen in their lives and they picked up on the antagonism despite the language barrier and could never stand her. I still never had the show down which she craved so desperately. I was strong enough to carry on, then plot our exit back home to the UK but I know that she is a dreadful person, truly dreadful.. what if, I had had PND, depression, or something similar. What would be the effect of this kind of a betrayal upon somebody more vulnerable than myself?

I guess my point is that I never managed to right a wrong. He was under the thumb when I met him and in the end, geography, compromise, compassion ...nothing was enough to get him out from under that thumb.

You don't book a hotel near someone you plan to visit without first checking it is convenient to visit. Hotels can be cancelled anyway. If you and your husband have decided to have christmas with just the kids then stick to this. I would be disinclined to have her on boxing day after her speaking like that. I would stick to your plan and see them on boxing day if you want to. You have to ensure your husband backs you up on this. He should also be telling his mother that normally you only visit relatives if invited and that if she wants invites she has to start being more pleasant. At least if they do come for boxing day they have a hotel to go back to.

Hmmm. I've been reading these posts with interest and have come up with some thoughts.

1. The MiL doesn't like the OP.
2. In a telephone call (in the car) the MiL criticises and finds fault with the OP so the Op knows that's what she's like on the telephone.
3. The OP's husband often speak to the Mil on the telephone - presumably from home. On these occasions we do not know what the MiL says.
4. The OP doesn't get on with the MiL and the MiL dioesn't get on with the OP so are the not-very-often visits to the MiL by only the husband or him wth OP?
5. The big question is: What does the MiL say to the husband during their landline telephone calls and while the husband is visiting if without the OP present? 4 hours there and 4 hous back is a long way for a day visit.

I suspect that the MiL is coming out with the same sort of critical comments during the telehone calls and visits. This means, I think, that the husband is being 'groomed' to leave the OP.

With your 'unstable' year nearly finished, work with your husband to overcome the everyday problems and just back him up (to him but don't let MiL hear you) so that he knows he still has you with him. It could be that he's been trying to escape from her for many years and now is his chance by beginning with just his own little family for Christmas.