Baby sitting to allow you to work vs baby sitting to allow you to have fun

[BabyWithOneEyebrow]

My sister has our Mum babysit her kids a lot to allow her to work part time as her schedule is very flexible (as is her DHs) so they are of the view that they can't really sign up to formal child care, and can't really afford to either. So my sister works when rostered on, and if her DH is also working, they get Mum to babysit. To be fair Mum loves it, as enjoys spending time with the kids. Mum often says she loves to sit my DS as well although we rarely ask her to as rarely need it.

On the other hand, I only need babysitters to do fun things (ie going out to the movies with DH or a party) as we both work regular hours and can better plan for childcare.

Mum agreed to babysit for me a while ago so DH and I could go out dancing one night with some old friends, and since then something has come up with my sister so Mum can't sit for me anymore. I have backed down (sister asked me to and I agreed as Mum felt like she was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I didn't want to cause her stress), although I was really looking forward to the night out as now DH and I can't both go, and it really is a once only thing with these friends as they are visiting from overseas.

The whole thing has raised a bit of an issue in my mind though, as it seems to me that my sister's babysitting needs will always trump mine as my things are for fun, whereas hers are for work. This leaves me feeling slightly upset as I feel punished for being an excellent planner of my time in that DH and I don't commit to work things if one of us can't look after DS, and frustrated that sister doesn't arrange non-family childcare more often. It's hard to articulate that to my family, though, without sounding silly as to my sister in particular, of course her working is more important than my being able to go out with friends.

I am geuinely curious about this one as am not sure if lack of sleep has skewed my point of view ... AIBU?

Yes, work does trump play. Find someone else to babysit.

Do you ever organise non-family childcare so that you can go out and have fun?

As both children get older, your Mum may find it easier to look after them both at the same time, so this may cease to be as much of a problem, so if I were you, I'd look to the long game and suck it up for now.

Work does trump fun, sorry.

Depends, if you hardly ever ask then would be nice if you took priority. Work is important but then so is having time together as a couple.

Well obviously it's annoying for you, but I would tend to agree that your sister's work is more important than your night out. Is there really nobody else who could babysit?

Can you not book another babysitter? I never assume my mum will look after my DS. In fact, other than one emergency I've never asked her to have him.

She has my sisters 2 children full time, permanently and I don't think it's fair on her to add to that although she probably would be quite willing.

On the other hand, with this particular situation, I don't understand why your mum can't have your sisters children and yours together - as a one off, I'm surprised it's a problem. Can she not cope with them all together?

I don't get non-family to sit for fun, but then, this is the first time I have wanted a sitter for a specific fun event - usually DH and I plan things around when Mum is free so this isn't an issue (ie we'll say we would like to go out one Sat this month and we'll work it out together). I really am interested in your views though, so thanks.

It was gracious of you to bow down so your sister could work.

Can you ask a friend, neighbor or work/church mate to take care of your children for the night with your over seas friends though? Or hire someone from an agency?

Sorry for drip feeding info (I should have said this up front) but we are in different cities - my night out was going to be in the city where Mum lives and I don't know anyone else who can sit, whereas Sis and I live in another city that Mum will now be travelling to in order to look after my sister's kids and we will be staying in her house without her there.

Try childcare.co.uk some registered childminders also do babysitting, I don't but I offer overnight care but might be good idea as a one off?

Could your mum look after all the children at your sister's house?

Well I think that it has been handled badly. At tge end if tge day she had already committed to you so it feels like your mum is kind of saying who she thinks deserves a babysitter more. Your sister should have asked rather than your mum telling you. You would have ended up in the same position, as I'm sure you would have said ok, but at least you would have felt like you had been part of it rather than being told.

This is yet another reason why using family for free childcare care lead to tensions. By trying to please your sister, your mother is making herself less available to you. It reminds me' of another thread recently where a grandparent living quite a distance away was barely ever able to visit because she was tied down by childminding for a local grandchild.

Your sister should accept that when you work, a significant chunk of your pay goes on childcare (if they are on the sort of combined income which is low enough they'll get financial help anyway!). They can use a childminder if they need flexibility. Many people don't always work the same hours each week, so find childcare which fits the bill.

As for babysitting for fun stuff- well, its sensible to find a local babysitter you can pay, so that you're not relying always on goodwill, but no harm in asking a relative as long as you don't take advantage.

Why don't you plan your nights out when your sister can babysit your child, that way your mum gets a break as much as she loves sitting, it seems as if she it put upon a little. That might not work though because it would mean your mum spending less time with your child which may add to the resentment.

Does your sister ask your mum to babysit when its just for fun? Couple time is important bit at least you get some. It doesn't sound like your sister has that option. I am sure she doesn't plan for her work to be awkward but most of the time people aren't in control of their own hours.

Did either sister or husband try to change their shift or just assume that OP would back down on her night out?

Surely Ops sister is equally as able to find some alternative childcare as OP?

As a mother though diddl if I had to chose between letting one child have a night out and sitting their children or another who had to work to pay the mortgage, it woud be a no brainer, uness the mother had all of the children which might work if the kids get on and depending on how many they have between them.

Unfortunately there are very few genuinely flexible childcare options that would allow your sister and her DH to work, presumably to support their family.

I do think that it's unfortunate, and I think YANBU to be disappointed, but at the end of the day your sister and her DH's ability to work and support their family is more important than you and your
DH's ability to go out for a fun night. working flexible shift patterns often means that even if you can arrange cover for one shift you can't necessarily pick up the hours elsewhere so that might mean losing money for them.

You should get first dibs on 'fun' babysitting (tbh I think your sister would be incredibly cheeky to ask for 'fun' babysitting on top of the free childcare your mum already supplies!) but there are other options available for evening childminding / babysitting when you can arrange it in advance.

When do your sis and her DH get their shifts? Could you wait until they are rostered on to arrange your date next time?

It´s hard but it sounds as if it was a special night out for OP-not just meal/pub that she could do anytime.

OP works & pays her own childcare-so perhaps her sister could have for once.

But as I said-what effort was made by sister or her husband to change their shifts, or was it assumed that OP would give up her night out or the mother would chose them as it being more important?

OP-hope your mum is never ill when they both need to work!

I feel for you OP as my mum cares for my sister children in school hols. I had massive issues with this as I spend 3/4 of my salary on childcare. Yet my sister gets it for free. Why is her salary more important than mine?
Upshot is I don't talk to my selfish sister and feel as though my children are second fiddle to their grandmother.
Was the arguement worth it? Maybe not but I stand by my opinion.

I feel for your mum - she must be knackered!

I think YABU, you can arrange regular paid childcare, she can't, not through any fault of her own

you are both so so lucky to have your mum do so much for you, but you both must arrange back up childcare, your mum wont always be able to drop everything for you and you'll need a plan when this happens (like it did for your night out)

I think if your mum had agreed to this instance of baby sitting then it is your sister who should be looking for a one off alternative. It shouldn't be a case of what you are doing in that time but who made the arrangement first, especially as you normally don't bother your mum for it. You shouldn't be dropped because your sister suddenly needs childcare unless it was dire medical emergency etc etc

Yanbu. You hardly ever ask your Mum to babysit and this was a special occasion that can't be repeated. And the arrangement had already been made. So I think your sister was wrong to ask you to give this up. She must have some alternative - what happens when your Mum goes on holiday or has other commitments?

I am in the same situation as your sister. My mum babysits when I work, usually a day a week. She generally babysits my sisters children for going out/ giving sister a break.

Just wanted to say two things from "the other side" - firstly, when I know that I am using so much of mum's time for work things, I am much less likely to ask for babysitting for fun things, as I feel I have used that all up. So we don't really go out very much. Maybe your sister feels that way?

However, if my mum had already committed to babysitting for my sister I would not ask her to change. Unless, it was something that it was absolutely desperate that I did not miss, a vital interview or something, and in that case I would first try to find another babysitter (my dad?!) and then call my sister and beg her, apologising profusely, to put off her night out. And if I heard that this was a one off with overseas friends I would really try to find another way. Does your sister know what the night out is?

So, YANBU I think

YANBU - your mum had said she would babysit for you...therefore, your sister should have made alternative arrangements. Work shouldnt come into it, if she says she will do it, she should do it regardless.

There is no easy answer to this, I'm afraid.

I can see it from both sides - we don't ask for very much childcare/babysitting at all from GPs (although they are very generous with their time, particularly since they both still work part-time) and when we do, it is almost always for something completely necessary - we have only accepted 3 or 4 offers of babysitting for "fun" in the last year.

The other grandchildren are at the GPs for at least part of almost every weekend and usually require babysitting at least once during the week as well. This is always for "fun" or "time to themselves".

We do get a bit irritated as we would perhaps feel able to accept a bit more help if we didn't feel that the GPs were being a bit used - we are very wary of spoiling their pleasure in their grandchildren and turning them into a chore. We also have the problem that we don't see any sign that SIL and BIL recognise how much the GPs do, and how little we ask for in comparison - if we have a desperate need for childcare they will still push the GPs to have their children and get huffy if there is any suggestion that it won't happen. So what generally happens is that if there really is no alternative, the GPs will finish up with all the children and we will cut whatever we are doing as short as possible to get back and take DS off their hands, or we will back down and try to rearrange our plans. I do sometimes wonder if they do it on purpose.

I think that you just need to be as flexible as possible and recognise that no-one has a right to GP's time - anything they offer is a bonus and a favour. And try to avoid it becoming a point of contention as it is inevitably the GPs who will feel torn and guilty about whatever they do.