Baby sitting to allow you to work vs baby sitting to allow you to have fun

[BabyWithOneEyebrow]

My sister has our Mum babysit her kids a lot to allow her to work part time as her schedule is very flexible (as is her DHs) so they are of the view that they can't really sign up to formal child care, and can't really afford to either. So my sister works when rostered on, and if her DH is also working, they get Mum to babysit. To be fair Mum loves it, as enjoys spending time with the kids. Mum often says she loves to sit my DS as well although we rarely ask her to as rarely need it.

On the other hand, I only need babysitters to do fun things (ie going out to the movies with DH or a party) as we both work regular hours and can better plan for childcare.

Mum agreed to babysit for me a while ago so DH and I could go out dancing one night with some old friends, and since then something has come up with my sister so Mum can't sit for me anymore. I have backed down (sister asked me to and I agreed as Mum felt like she was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I didn't want to cause her stress), although I was really looking forward to the night out as now DH and I can't both go, and it really is a once only thing with these friends as they are visiting from overseas.

The whole thing has raised a bit of an issue in my mind though, as it seems to me that my sister's babysitting needs will always trump mine as my things are for fun, whereas hers are for work. This leaves me feeling slightly upset as I feel punished for being an excellent planner of my time in that DH and I don't commit to work things if one of us can't look after DS, and frustrated that sister doesn't arrange non-family childcare more often. It's hard to articulate that to my family, though, without sounding silly as to my sister in particular, of course her working is more important than my being able to go out with friends.

I am geuinely curious about this one as am not sure if lack of sleep has skewed my point of view ... AIBU?

Can't you drop your son off at your sisters and your mum can look after all of them?

Sorry- missed alarkaspree suggesting this already!

If not easy to do this I think you should get another babysitter because fun is v important. I think your sister and mum are being unreasonable though. Your mum was booked in with you and should stick to that, I reckon.

Yes, work does trump play. Find someone else to babysit.

But looking after someones children so that they can work is child care not baby sitting. Is your sister paying your Mum appropriately for this?

I think in this scenario, your mum's right to prioritise your sister. Work-related childcare trumps fun-related childcare.

However I do wonder slightly about the fact that your mum is providing work-related childcare for your sister and not for you. I understand that it's harder for your sister to find alternative childcare due to the unpredictability factor. However, if your mum gives them free childcare, and you have to pay for yours, this seems pretty unfair financially. Unless your sister is paying your mum for her time?

I can't imagine that it's the OP's business whether or not the sister is paying the mum for childcare. I certainly wouldn't think it was my business if my sister was getting childcare from my mum. It's strictly between the sister and the mum.

yes just drop your son round your sisters so she can babysit all 3

Well I suppose it depends on whether you think parents should be fair between their children Triggles.

Mincie- I agree, I think these situations become very problematic where there is a big disparity in how children are treated by their parents. I know its not always possible (or even desirable) to treat each child exactly the same, as their needs and personal circumstances may be different. But I do think parents should aim for equity as far as possible. If one child is being provided with free childcare and this comes at the expense of other children (eg like in the ops situation where the gps have reneged on their agreement to babysit, or in other situations where the gps may visit certain grandchildren less simply because they are so tied down and worn out by caring for others) then its bound to be a cause of unhappiness and resentment. Personally I would find it very hard to treat one child so differently to another. And tbh if you provide free childcare, its effectively like paying your adult child several hundreds of pounds a month, because that's what it would cost if they paid their way.

I can completely understand the op feeling let down and second best. I think the sister is taking advantage tbh. Regular childcare is best kept separately from the family; it leads to all sorts of difficulties like this one and is hardly a recipe for harmony

Yabu, some people can't afford to pay for childcare, work comes before dancing, soz.

You'll either have to find yourself a babysitter (and I know its hard to make the first step, it took me 5 years - best thing I ever did, our babysitter is a firm friend now) or accept that your mum has only so many hours that she's prepared to sit for. Work DOES trump fun, unfortunately, or rather NEED comes first, and your sister has the greatest need.

I do understand that its a little unfair on you, but its impossible for your sister to get a regular childminder/childcare placement, and your mum can/will only do so much.

Your sister needs to look at the roster well in advance AND be firmer about hours she can work... so she can arrange childcare.

Your mum needs to say no sometimes, and needs to maybe give a little more - she could always tell your sister she's unavailable.

You need to take that plunge into the world of non-family babysitters... and its a big plunge - you either accept you can't have fun, or you find a sitter.

You could all do with being a little more reasonable, but none of you are being completely unreasonable so its not worth falling out over.

If OPs sister isn´t paying-would work still "trump" fun?

Why doesn't the sister use the paying agency for one night, bearing in mind the amount of free child care she is getting compared to what the sister pays, wouldn't it be a nice gesture to let the op go out.

Yanbu, what does your sister do if your mum is ill or on holiday? It is a bit unfair on you as your mum had already agreed to babysit for you for a special occasion.

Presumably if your mum really couldn't do it, if she was I'll, or something, then one of them would have to either change their shifts or make alternative arrangements of some kind. And if they weren't lucky enough to have your mum providing childcare, then they would have to do something else. Many people don't have family that could help in this way and would just have to use childcare or find jobs that work around each other's hours.

If your night out was arranged a while ago, then surely your mum should have made sure our sister knew this and she and your dh would need to plan their shifts accordingly or find somebody else as a one off.

Agree halcyon. I never understand the view of ' I cant afford to pay for childcare and I NEED my mum/MIL/ whoever to provide it for free'. I mean, seriously, what would the sister do if the mother became ill or too frail to care for young kids? Or even god forbid, died? Or moved away, or found other things she wanted to commit to? The sister would have to find a way round it. It might be less convenient, she might have to find other more regular work, or cut down hours, or take out a loan to cover the expensive childcare years, or re mortgage, or take a mortgage holiday... But she would find a way. Besides, families on lower incomes get financial help towards childcare so either her family are receiving that, or they earn enough joint income to not qualify which means they're not that poor.

I feel for you op. I think your sister is taking advantage and you're ending up coming a poor second.

Having said that - do yourself a favour and find a non family babysitter. People can be so precious about these things but honestly, it'll be the best thing you ever did - get a local reliable student or someone else who will appreciate the money and build a good relationship with your family.

The mother is not a business that is doling out equal amounts of childcare. She has an agreement with the sister to provide her with childcare, due to the sister's situation. Whether or not the sister pays the mother is none of the OPs business. The mother does not have an obligation to make everything equal. Nor does she have an obligation to discuss the arrangement with the OP. Don't be so ridiculous. It's not favouritism. They have an agreement between them. It has nothing to do with the OP.

God, I detest people who come on and whinge "oh my sibling gets this and I don't..." whine whine whine.... Grow up. You're not 4 and fighting over who gets more sweets. The mother has a right to decide what she is going to do in her free time - she apparently chooses to help the sister. It's not a swipe against the OP, it's simply helping the sister.

Life is not fair. Parents are not REQUIRED to do exactly the same for every child. Some children have different needs. Get over it. Talk about sense of entitlement. I babysit for DD when we can. I rarely babysit for DS1, as they live further away and have their own sitters lined up generally. My parents babysat for me fairly frequently when I was working shift work for a few years, but then had to help my younger sister as her situation was much more urgent, so they weren't able to babysit for me anymore. I lined up another sitter. Was I sobbing about unfair? No. My sister needed their assistance more urgently than I did. This is your SISTER, OP. And you are begrudging her assistance from your mum (HER MUM!) so she can work??

Can your Mum not babysit all the DCs at one house?

Can/do you and your DSIS ever swap babysitting?

Cant you and DH flip for who gets to go out rather than both staying in?

Does your DSIS pay your Mum? If not I think she should consider herself very lucky. Would she be able to work at all if it wasn't for your Mum? The financial value must be huge would she be happy if you inherited more eg?

It's not about whining that life isn't fair. It's about aiming to treat other people equitably. Any parent who doles out masses of help and support for one child at the expense of another is asking for trouble. You wouldn't do it when the Children are 5, doling out masses of support for one and not another- so why do it when they are adults? Of course peoples individual circumstances change over time- but surely the aim should be to treat people equitably. That goes as much for the sister as for the mother - the sister can see that shes getting masses of childcare Which enables her to earn money she wouldn't otherwise have, yet is happy to watch her sisters arrangements being shafted. Nice

How is at the expense of the OP? She's still able to work. She's already said she doesn't NEED the mum to babysit for her, that it would be NICE. Whereas the sister DOES need the mum's help. But apparently the OP is concerned that her sister is getting MORE than her, so is upset...

And it IS whining about things not fair. The whole point is that the OP IS NOT FIVE!!! She's ACTING like it, of course, but technically she's not five.

Oh please. What utter rot. So the sister is supposedly shafting the OP because she needs to work when the OP wants to go out dancing? As a mother who can and does provide babysitting on occasion, as well as a daughter who sometimes gets babysitting from my MIL, I don't see where any arrangements made between either myself and my DD/DS1/DIL or myself and MIL for childcare are anyone else's business - and that includes any other members of the family. I do what I PLEASE, thank you very much. Some things you can keep relatively equal, such as what you spend at Christmas. Childcare is different - some will need more assistance than others due to marital status, job hours, location, etc. If I babysit for DD for a couple hours one evening, am I supposed to then ring DS1 and insist I must babysit an evening for them to keep it "even?" What completely and utter nonsense.

I repeat. The sister's arrangement and whether or not she pays the mum for childcare is NONE OF THE OP'S BUSINESS. The mum is a PERSON, who has a right to decide what she wants to do and whether or not she wants paying for it. Get over it.

I can see why you feel aggrieved, but I would find a local babysitter through sitters.com or childcare.co.uk and then you take family out of the equation.

The key thing here is that the op's mum had agreed to babysit for the op a while ago, then something cropped up for the sister and she expected the op to give up her evening to accommodate this. Was there really nobody else she could have asked on this one occasion? And if the op had arranged this well in advance, then maybe the sister could have arranged to work at a different time, or the sister's dp could have taken time off work instead.

Yanbu

why can't the sister pay for a babysitter for one night?

Seems acceptable to everyone that the op do this so why not the sister?

Exactly. Triggles is banging on about the sister 'needing' the mother to provide childcare - but as several of us have pointed out, if totally flexible free childcare were not available on tap, the sister would have to pull up her big girls knickers and find another way of coping. I don't blame the op for feeling aggrieved that an arrangment already made is being reneged on just because the sister is given preferential treatment

Oh please. It was one night. Yes, disappointing. But sometimes things happen. Maybe the sister DID try to get another sitter and couldn't find one. Maybe her DH couldn't get that time off work.

You people don't even KNOW the sister and you're acting like she's irresponsible and pushing the OP out of the childcare picture. Sorry, but if I was the mum, and it was a matter of one of my daughters having difficulty with their work and the other going out dancing, the childcare would go to the one going to work every time.

Preferential treatment? Good grief. Of course, in some worlds going out dancing comes before work. Um. Yeah. Okay.

The mother agreed to provide childcare as a favour for one daughter. She then went back on that agreement because the other daughter subsequently asked her to provide childcare. And that's a reasonable way to behave? okaaaay

I wonder if the sister always expects her mother to drop any previously made plans so that she's available to provide totally flexible free care. How limiting for the mother. Personally I wouldn't be so selfish as to expect that of anyone

Thanks for your comments - I have given it some more thought and have decided to take some of your advice and make more of an effort to find more alternative babysitters for future occasions and this time DH will stay home. Everything else aside I am starting to realise how worn out Mum is and don't want to burden her more than she can cope with as she has a lot of demands on her time. I was just annoyed as had made plans that I was then expected to change. Generally when my Mum can't do it she gets other friends to sit or other family - I've looked after her kids on the weekends or evenings before so she can work.

kungfupanda what you said resonated with me as I feel the same (although, granted, my sister is working).