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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to whack SIL over the head with a brick and not tell her why?

52 replies

elephantsgomarching · 11/12/2011 22:01

Around DPs parents with his siblings, partners and neices/nephews.

Talk gets around to weddings (DPs brother is getting married very soon) as it does and gets on to asian-weddings (I'm pakistani british) and how they are different etc (no one in DPs family or DP has ever been to one)

Then it got to talking about arranged marriages and views on it then trails onto forced marriages.

DPs sister then pipes up that people involved in forced marriages are weak and surely if they dont want to get married then they would stand up to their families.

I was fumming I had to get up and walk outdoors without saying anything (it is amajor raw nerve for me).

I only came back about 10mins later when DP came out.

No one in his family said anything and DPs sister gave me funny looks for the rest of the day.

AIBU to have wanted to have lashed out at her and not tell her or anyone in DPs family why?

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 11/12/2011 22:02

I think you should have told her why she was a Grade A muppet.

squeakytoy · 11/12/2011 22:03

It depends how old she is?

Perhaps you could have explained to her, rather than storming out.

If someone has no experience of that culture, then they can not be expected to fully understand, in the same way that when a woman is in a relationships where her partner beats her and people say "why didnt you leave?"

MenopausalHaze · 11/12/2011 22:03

Do you think if you explained a little more clearly that we might have some idea why this in in AIBU?

Parietal · 11/12/2011 22:03

Yanbu to think she is very wrong, but if you don't explain, she'll never learn.

HecklerNotKoch · 11/12/2011 22:05

why couldnt you just have calmly offered your views on the topic

kaluki · 11/12/2011 22:05

Why wouldn't you tell her why?
YANBU to take offence but it sounds like they have no idea why you went outside.
I think you should have told her tbh.

Original poster
elephantsgomarching · 11/12/2011 22:05

she's 31 so hardly a teenager.

OP posts:
fivegomadindorset · 11/12/2011 22:07

Explain it to her. don't just walk out otherwise she will never know.

squeakytoy · 11/12/2011 22:08

okay, maybe not a teenager, but if she doesnt have any experience at all of the culture, and you do, then why not explain it to her a bit more..

Kayano · 11/12/2011 22:08

Well you should tell her.

What is stomping off ever going to achieve?

troisgarcons · 11/12/2011 22:08

I'm with the OP on this - the OP is Pakistani British - it would incredibly crass of her IL family not to realise she has a completely different cultural background - then bang on about arranged marriages and the women in them being too weak to say no.

Infact, I'd say the SIL is actually rude and provocative.

it reminds me of those inane twats who say "ah, I look at you as if you are white" - when talking to a black person.

Original poster
elephantsgomarching · 11/12/2011 22:12

talking about forced marriage even hits a raw nerve. Explaining why would (for me) be openning up a wound. One that she and DP family have no knowledge of and even DP doesn't know (to its fully excent actually only a tiny bit)

I didn't storm off - I just can't be around conversations of forced marriages.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 11/12/2011 22:14

You could have just calmly told her why you disagree. Or just put forward the opinion that it can be very hard for people to refuse to go into arranged marriages even if they don't want to get married. Maybe your sil doesn't know that some families would practically disown a child for refusing to go through with a marriage.

But to be fair to her, lots of people don't agree with arranged marriages. It's surely not that hard for you to understand why your sil would have the opinion she does. And it's not like her opinion is offensive to anyone.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 11/12/2011 22:14

I hate to be difficult but aren't you the poster whose family have disowned her for having a relationship outside their culture? If so there's a lot of tolerance to be learnt on both sides and storming out doesn't help that, does it?

EverybodysScaryEyed · 11/12/2011 22:15

I think you should have told her why she was wrong to say that

I don't think her reason for saying it (stupidity, rudeness, nastiness) is relevant. For whatever reason she gave that opinion in a room full of people and you had the perfect opportunity to correct it and thus educate all there.

Agree with squeaky that it is like someone wondering why a DV victim doesn't 'just' leave. It shows they have no knowledge or understanding of the situation and education is the best way forward

slavetofilofax · 11/12/2011 22:16

X posted with you OP. It sounds like the real problem is about you and your feelings about arranged marriage, not your sil and her opinion.

YABU.

squeakytoy · 11/12/2011 22:17

I am sorry but I still think you are wrong to get so angry at her.

Educate her, enlighten her... or simply say "you have touched a bit of a raw nerve there".

Her opinion wasnt aimed to be offensive at you, especially if she has no knowledge of your past.

Or perhaps she thinks that you are a strong woman who walked away from being forced into a marriage, and expected your agreement.

Original poster
elephantsgomarching · 11/12/2011 22:18

SIL does know what some families will do (about marriages - not just forced) - because she knows my situation with mine (They class me as dead)

I don't agree with forced marriages - they are.......... her opion was that people (mainly the girls) are weak and should just stand up for themselves - that is offensive to me

OP posts:
LovePotatoes · 11/12/2011 22:20

Hello, I'm British but of south Asian decent. I don't understand why you got so upset. Have you experienced forced marriage in your family/social circle op?
Forced marriage is horrendous!! In Islam if a person is forced into marriage it actually invalidates it.

squeakytoy · 11/12/2011 22:20

I also think you need to be honest with your partner too, so that he might be a bit more understanding as to why it upsets you so much.

It may open up a wound, but that wound might heal a bit better too once you have the support and understanding of your partner and his family.

cat64 · 11/12/2011 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cheesesarnie · 11/12/2011 22:23

unless you tell her,she'll have no idea how offended you are and so will carry on going on about it.you dont have to go into detail.tell her it offends and upsets you.some people are beyond stupid and wont see someone walking away from a conversation as maybe being offended.

Xmasbaby11 · 11/12/2011 22:23

You need to explain to her - it's a good chance to help her understand. I'm sure a lot of us don't understand other cultures as much as we would like to or think we do.

lurkinginthebackground · 11/12/2011 22:24

YABU to want to whack her without explaining why. Some people genuienlly do not understand the reality of the situation.
I have known people who have experienced this so I can fully sympathise with you. However someone like your sil would benefit from a calm explanation as to why she is wrong.

Kayano · 11/12/2011 22:26

But if you stood up for yourself and are now considered 'dead to your family' was she not saying (assuming she knows that) that you are in fact strong?

She said people who go through with them are week so that might have been her tring to imply your strength and resilience iyswim?