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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to whack SIL over the head with a brick and not tell her why?

52 replies

elephantsgomarching · 11/12/2011 22:01

Around DPs parents with his siblings, partners and neices/nephews.

Talk gets around to weddings (DPs brother is getting married very soon) as it does and gets on to asian-weddings (I'm pakistani british) and how they are different etc (no one in DPs family or DP has ever been to one)

Then it got to talking about arranged marriages and views on it then trails onto forced marriages.

DPs sister then pipes up that people involved in forced marriages are weak and surely if they dont want to get married then they would stand up to their families.

I was fumming I had to get up and walk outdoors without saying anything (it is amajor raw nerve for me).

I only came back about 10mins later when DP came out.

No one in his family said anything and DPs sister gave me funny looks for the rest of the day.

AIBU to have wanted to have lashed out at her and not tell her or anyone in DPs family why?

OP posts:
IneedAChristmasNickname · 11/12/2011 22:28

YANBU to be cross with her, but YABU to storm out, as others have said she might not understand it completely.

LovePotatoes · 11/12/2011 22:29

It took some guts op standing by the man you love against your family's wishes and for them to then cut you off! Maybe you should enlighten your in-laws about what you have gone through...?

cherrysodalover · 11/12/2011 22:30

Cut her some slack.
It,s just her opinion and there may well be some cases when what the sil expresses is true. I disagree with her but do not think it is such an outrageous opinion to hold, just insensitive to express in your company perhaps.
I happen to think circumcision is wrong and people should stand up to the pressures of their culture to do it but would never say it in front of friends who have had their sons circumcised. I still think it though.

LovePotatoes · 11/12/2011 22:30

I agree with kayano, maybe she was in fact stating how strong you are?

Original poster
elephantsgomarching · 11/12/2011 22:31

All she knows is that I don't speak to my family because of my choice of partner in DP. She knows nothing of my life before that. (so yes gwendoline )
lovePotatoes lets call it a narrow escape - well a postponement really (but I left before they could get organising again)

I do want her to understand - but to say anything to her when I an't even tell DP the whole story would just be too hard.

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 11/12/2011 22:34

If I am reading this right - that your family tried to force you into an arranged marriage and you managed to avoid it and later married your husband - then I can't understand why it is a big secret that you couldn't possibly explain to your husband?

Maybe my reading is wrong - it is just if you don't explain things to people then they have no hope of understanding your point of view.

runningwilde · 11/12/2011 22:34

Yes your sil is extremely ignorant in her view but she needs to be challenged and educated about the realities of the pressures people in arranged situations face etc.
Educate her so she doesn't keep up with her stupid and ignorant views on this subject!

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/12/2011 22:36

I think it sounds like she was trying to pay you a compliment. She knows you have stood up to your family, and if you are the only exposure she has had to your culture then perhaps she assumes that more people could be like you?

I can understand your upset, but you are taking it all out on the wrong person here.

I agree that you need to open up to your DP.

LovePotatoes · 11/12/2011 22:38

I think you should really think about opening up to your other half about your family etc. Would it not potentially bring you closer together for him to know what you have sacrificed for him?
I'm guessing your family have traditional views on partner choice and marriage. I hope they welcome you and your partner into the family one day. You never can predict what will happen..

nailak · 11/12/2011 22:42

oakmaiden I think what you are missing is some of the tactics used to force the women to comply. In some situations the women are religiously married and raped before returning to UK, and being able to get away before registry marriage, and shipping the husband over, and the whole extended family is complicity in this rape.
In other cases the women is abused by uncles and cousins, beaten, drugged, kept hostage, emotionally blackmailed, humiliated etc in order to weaken her until she accepts the marriage. And I guess this kind of trauma can be hard to relive.

nailak · 11/12/2011 22:43

Sorry for typos I blame my phone

LovesBloominChristmas · 11/12/2011 22:44

She's ignorant because she has no idea about what goes on. Do you think she would listen if you opened up?

Oakmaiden · 11/12/2011 22:46

OK. I was missing that. See - I am ignorant too, and would have no idea unless someone explained it to me.

But I can see that would be hard to explain to your sil.

Although still think it should be a conversation that I would want to have with my husband...

AlfalfaMum · 11/12/2011 22:51

I think what your SIL said was crass, but it sounds like the sort of thing someone says when they've had a glass of wine and opened their mouth without engaging their brain? I'm sure she didn't Intend to upset you, having said that I get pissed off when people spout crap like that too.

Original poster
elephantsgomarching · 11/12/2011 23:32

me and DP aren't married - I just couldn't do it.
lovePotatoes I haven't had any contact (bar my youngest brother) snce I graduated uni. They class me as dead and I have no desire to ever have them in my life ever again.

No - I was 16. it was in planning for 2 years and the stuff that went on during those 2 years.... but was postponned due to a uni offer and an elder brother (who at the time I thought was finally acting like a brother - I was wrong)
I met DP at uni and was chucked out of hime and classed as dead as soon as I graduated (after a lot of stuff).

DP knows that part from when I started uni.
He has a vague idea of what happen about my planned 'marriage' - enough to understand why I wont get married (though sometimes will refer to him as my husband) and knows a far bit of the abuse and oppression I was under as a child and until I left - just not it all. All his family know about my family classing me as dead because of my relationship with DP (just not my childhood)

And even writting those words took ages and is actually the first time I have done in years and is something that completely wears me out emotionally.

Thanks

OP posts:
lurkinginthebackground · 11/12/2011 23:39

elephant- some people have no tact, your sil sounds like one of them.

Earthymama · 12/12/2011 00:31

I think if I had inadvertently upset you, ( I am sure your SIL didn't mean to do so), I would have come to find you and said I was sorry.
So your wires were crossed and you have felt hurt and misunderstood. After you have told us of your experiences it's understandable. BUT your SIL doesn't know does she? Maybe it is time for a talk with DP and then hopefully his family.
Bless you, you must be so strong, good luck in building up your own family and finding some inner peace x

LRDtheFeministDragon · 12/12/2011 00:38

I agree with earthy - your SIL should have come and apologized, even if she didn't understand why she'd hurt you.

I don't like the idea that the OP 'should' have explained or 'could' have educated her SIL ... it's perfectly reasonable for her to feel actually she can't be responsible for educating her entire extended family at the expense of her own mental wellbeing.

You were completely right and IMO very dignified to take yourself calmly out of a situation that was upsetting you.

If your DP could talk to his sister, would that help?

I hope you are ok ... please don't feel you have a responsibility to explain your feelings, you don't.

Jux · 12/12/2011 00:39

I have massive admiration for you, congratulations on getting away and making a good relationship in spite of your experience.

Please don't take this as criticism:

At some point in your life you are going to have to face your experiences at the hands of your family, or it will haunt you and pop up at unexpected moments and upset you.

At some point you are going to have to tell your dp more of what your experiences were, what happened to you.

You are probably in a good place to do that at this time of your life, with a good partner whom you trust to stand by you (I'm making an assumption here, though).

I know it is really frightening to look at the crap bits of your life full in the face, but it's worth it in the end. The process tends to be a bit easier if you have a supportive partner to come home to. Try to head towards counselling. I don't mean phone and arrange it forthwith, but look in that direction. Sweeping things under the carpet doesn't make them go away any more than pretending they don't exist does. They have a tendency to jump out at you when you least expect it, as has just happened.

Wouldn't it be good if you could get to a point where someone else making a remark like your SIL's merely provoked the giving of enlightenment from you, rather than you having to stand out in the cold for a while? Wouldn't you prefer to have been able to stay indoors and continue the conversation?

I take my hat off to you, though, I really do.

Jux · 12/12/2011 00:42

Sorry, that was badly said. And I didn't mean "standing in the cold for a while" (don't know where that came from - it's late, I guess) I meant to say "standing out in the cold feeling upset".

1Catherine1 · 12/12/2011 01:17

I feel bad for you elephantsgomarching as this has brought up bad memories for you but I must say I think you are being unreasonable to want to hit her with a brick. Confused

Your SIL doesn't understand what pressure comes with arranged marriages and how trapped some women genuinely are. She is naive. In the same way women who have never been in emotionally abusive relationships think women who end up in them are weak. They don't understand. To be angry at her for this is not really fair. She also doesn't know your past by your own acknowledgement and if she did, I bet she wouldn't have said it. I agree though that if she realized she had upset you then she should have apologised without needing an explanation of why or how she had upset you.

On a different note though. Considering you say this took you a long time to write it down and wore you out emotionally perhaps it is time to address this? Not here ofc. I think it is sad that you don't feel like you and your DP could ever get married because of your experience. Not that I think marriage is essential for a good relationship. But to feel limited must be difficult. I really hope you find some peace with it soon.

demetersdaughter · 12/12/2011 02:55

Blame the daily mail (Again) and draw a line underneath it.
She's got a right to her opinion.
You've got a right to have yours.
Both of you have a right not to like each other.
So is life

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 12/12/2011 09:21

It's understandable that you are upset if it feels like she was saying that you are weak? (you're not!!)

You got out from a situation where you were facing being coerced into a marriage against your will and you've paid such a high price for that and it obviously affects you deeply.

I think you would really benefit from some counselling. It sounds like you have a lot to come to terms with.

I think that anyone who can be of the opinion that someone facing what you faced is weak, clearly has got no idea what it's like to live that life. It's so easy to be outside the situation and say ooh, they should be strong, they should say no... but not so easy when it's your life.

It's like saying that women who are in abusive relationships should just leave. Easy to say from outside the situation, not so clear cut when you're the one being kicked round the kitchen.

Winkly · 12/12/2011 09:31

Can I just point out that 'arranged' and 'forced' marriages are different? Many people are happy for their families to arrange a suitable marriage. OTOH forced marriages are invalid in UK law and Islam, and the people who are being forced into them (mostly but not always women), like the OP, face being cut off from everyone they've ever known - and that's best case scenario. Worst case - abducted, raped, killed. Two very different things.

cat64 · 12/12/2011 14:50

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