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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my son to have to change his name

70 replies

Mollified · 11/12/2011 21:28

DS1 is 11 he is my DH step son. I was not married to DS1's father, our relationship was short and he did not want any kids but I refused to have an abortion, anyway when DS was born he was happy to acknowledge him as his and I wanted his name on the birth cert. We split when DS was 8 months old because he was not able to cope with the responsibility of having a child and I got fed up with being the only adult in the house. My relationship with DS's father has been strained over the years - difficulty's with maintenance payments and some other nastiness that I don't really wish to go into.

DS has always had a good relationship with his dad regardless of my feelings about him. He sees his father nearly every fortnight.

Anyway, I got married three years ago. DS1 still has his fathers name but I have taken my DH name. Recently DH has been suggesting that DS should change his name to my maiden name. He feels that DS1 having his fathers name is an insult to me (DH knows our history and strongly dislikes DS's father because of what he has put me through) and that DS having a name that is not related to either of our families is unnecessarily complicated, especially as DS's father actually contributes almost nothing to his life and shows almost zero interest in him.

I don't want DS to change his name. I can't be specific as to why, I just feel that its not right. AIBU?

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 11/12/2011 21:29

i don't know... how does DS feel about it?
he may like to change his name so that it is the same as yours?

squeakytoy · 11/12/2011 21:30

What does your son want? At 11 he is old enough to have the major say in this.

OnlyWantsOne · 11/12/2011 21:30

he's 11... Why does your DP think that NOW it should happen.

NatashaBee · 11/12/2011 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

troisgarcons · 11/12/2011 21:31

TBH - its sod all to do with your current partner.

duvetdayplease · 11/12/2011 21:33

You are not being unreasonable. In time your son may wish to himself, when he is old enough he can do so. I think it sounds unnecessarily unsettling for your son to be 'made' to change his name.

I think you need to find a nice way of telling your DH to leave it be. Your DH needs to stop associating your son with the way your ex treated you, they're separate people.

TheFestiveWife · 11/12/2011 21:33

YANBU. I agree with you. Also at 11 he is probably old enough to decide for himself. DSD's situation is quite similar to your DS's. She has her mother's surname (DH and his ex weren't married), yet has virtually no relationship with her. The little input she's had in DSD's life has been very destructive. She put DH and me) through hell for years. But Neither of us would ever suggest that DSD should change her name to DH's. Obviously if she wanted to that would be up to her, but it should be her choice (she's an adult now anyway so it would be up to her), as it should be your DS's choice. Have you asked him what he would like to do?

scaevola · 11/12/2011 21:34

I think an 11 year old is old enough to have his views taken into consideration, and that they should be the one's which carry the most weight. What does DS think?

tanfastic · 11/12/2011 21:35

You say Ds always has a good relationship with his father and sees him once a fortnight yet his father has zero interest in him
I may be wrong but I think you'd need his dad's permission to change his surname anyway.

poppercondria · 11/12/2011 21:36

You don't want him to change his name. DS has never mentioned it. Gently tell your DH he is creating a problem where none exists. Why is he stirring?

Oh, and if he sees his father nearly every fortnight, and they have a good relationship, then that doesn't sound like "zero interest".

troisgarcons · 11/12/2011 21:37

DS has always had a good relationship with his dad regardless of my feelings about him. He sees his father nearly every fortnight.

DH has been suggesting that DS should change his name to my maiden name. He feels that DS1 having his fathers name is an insult to me

Itwould be tremendously insulting to your DS to ask him to change his fathers name to your name (given the father is a significant and constant part of his life) ....actually if your new DH wished to be all inclusive he would be suggesting adopting him and your DS taking his name.

Has your new DH always been this jealous?

tanfastic · 11/12/2011 21:37

Sorry just re read your post and you don't think he should change it. I agree. YANBU.

hiddenhome · 11/12/2011 21:38

I'm in exactly the same position with my ds1, but it's got nothing to do with your dh however strongly he feels about it. When your ds gets to 16 he can decide for himself, but no court would sanction a surname change in an 11 year old because they'd take it that you're trying to erase your son's father. However badly you feel towards your ex, he's still your son's dad and it's your son's decision really.

My ex is also abusive and withholds child support, so I understand how you feel.

poppercondria · 11/12/2011 21:40

And I wouldn't go asking DS his opinion on the matter, either. Tell your DH never to mention this to DS. If DS wants to change his name, fine. But the idea needs to come from him, and him alone. Your DH shouldn't be planting the 'insulting' idea in his head.

mockingjay · 11/12/2011 21:40

If it comes to it, your DS should decide IMO. But tbh I wouldn't even ask him (DS). If he wanted it, he would bring it up. Why plant the idea that there is something 'wrong' with his name?

I really don't understand changing of surnames. For anyone. Your DH sees it as your ex-P's surname. It's not though - it is your DS's name. By keeping it, he's not disrespecting or respecting anyone in particular. It's just always been him and is probably thinks of it as part of his identity.

brandysoakedbitch · 11/12/2011 21:41

It is not about your DH it is about your DS's Father - he needs to give permission for this to happen - your son is entitled to his opinion but it is actually his Father that gets to make the decision.

scaevola · 11/12/2011 21:42

And having non-matching names is neither uncommon (happens all the time with blended families, one's with unmarried parents and those where a married woman opts to keep her own name). Schools, doctors etc are well used to it (I know, been there, done that), and the only time it can be a pain is at border crossings when zealous border staff need to be satisfied you have the right to be travelling with that child. And frankly an 11 year old who can say robustly 'Don't be silly, of course that's mummy" is enough for that too (been there as well).

coppertop · 11/12/2011 21:44

Your ds1's name is his own. It's a part of his identity. Your dh has no right to interfere with that.

If any namechanging needs to be done then I would suggest to your dh that perhaps all 3 of you should switch to your maiden name. I suspect his response to that would be interesting.

brandysoakedbitch · 11/12/2011 21:45

My DDs want to change their name to mine. They do not have a relationship with their Father, they have not seen him for years - not even indirect contact. He also pays no maintenance and shows absolutely no interest in them. Can they change their name? can they Hell - we are having to jump through all sorts of hoops and still not sorted yet. They are 11 and 8 and no one much seems interested in their opinion on the matter.

HappyCamel · 11/12/2011 21:46

I think this part of your post is why your DH's suggestion is not ok:

DS has always had a good relationship with his dad regardless of my feelings about him. He sees his father nearly every fortnight.

slavetofilofax · 11/12/2011 21:49

Your dh is being very unreasonable! He sounds like a selfish twat tbh.

Why would he want a child to go through the process of changing his name when he doesn't want to? Especially when it would probably cause even more problems with your ex?

And how can something you chose to do be insulting to you?

mockingjay · 11/12/2011 21:58

Well clearly the 11 yo DS wouldn't legally have a say in his name, brandy. But his opinion really should dictate his parents' legal actions (like your DDs).

FoxyRoxy · 11/12/2011 22:00

Ds changed his name to mine when he was 7. He wanted my name and doesn't see his dad more than once a year. When I married my DH I kept my maiden name so it was the same as DS although DS double barrelled his on all his school books to include DH's name!

I think it's up to your ds and given that he has a good relationship with his father and doesn't seem bothered that his name is different to the rest of the family (as it still will be if it's changed, as you have taken your DH name) yanbu.

Ceic · 11/12/2011 22:55

I think that any suggestion of a name change should come from your DS, not your DH. Part of your son's identity comes from his father and why should this part of who your son is be hidden, unless he wants it to be?

If your DH (or anyone else) were to suggest to your DS that he should give up his father's name, your DS might take this as meaning that he should also be ashamed of parts of himself.

demetersdaughter · 12/12/2011 01:29

Why should your son change his name to suit your new partner?
It smacks of ownership by your partner.

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