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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my son to have to change his name

70 replies

Mollified · 11/12/2011 21:28

DS1 is 11 he is my DH step son. I was not married to DS1's father, our relationship was short and he did not want any kids but I refused to have an abortion, anyway when DS was born he was happy to acknowledge him as his and I wanted his name on the birth cert. We split when DS was 8 months old because he was not able to cope with the responsibility of having a child and I got fed up with being the only adult in the house. My relationship with DS's father has been strained over the years - difficulty's with maintenance payments and some other nastiness that I don't really wish to go into.

DS has always had a good relationship with his dad regardless of my feelings about him. He sees his father nearly every fortnight.

Anyway, I got married three years ago. DS1 still has his fathers name but I have taken my DH name. Recently DH has been suggesting that DS should change his name to my maiden name. He feels that DS1 having his fathers name is an insult to me (DH knows our history and strongly dislikes DS's father because of what he has put me through) and that DS having a name that is not related to either of our families is unnecessarily complicated, especially as DS's father actually contributes almost nothing to his life and shows almost zero interest in him.

I don't want DS to change his name. I can't be specific as to why, I just feel that its not right. AIBU?

OP posts:
aurynne · 12/12/2011 02:10

Your new DH should have no input in your son's changing his name. It should be exclusively a matter for you, your son and his father.

Methe · 12/12/2011 02:25

It has absolutely fuck all to do with your husband.

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 12/12/2011 02:54

What else does your husband seek to control? Changing the names of your dc is a prettybig step.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 12/12/2011 04:17

Am I missing something here? To me

DS has always had a good relationship with his dad regardless of my feelings about him. He sees his father nearly every fortnight

and

DS's father actually contributes almost nothing to his life and shows almost zero interest in him

Really don't paint the same picture??

Surely the time for his discussion should have been when you took your DH's name when you got married - it would have been nice if you'd both asked your DS if he would like you to ask his father if he minded you changing or double barreling his name. Why now 3 years later? and sure if he did change it, he'd want it to be your DH's name that you are now using, not your maiden name?

It all sounds a bit odd to me.

HughBastard · 12/12/2011 05:05

Ds's name is his own name. The fact that he shares it with his father does not detract from that.

Dh needs to wind his neck in.

Shutupanddrive · 12/12/2011 07:17

Wow! I think your DH is out of order here. Why the hell shouldn't he have his fathers name? It's got nothing to do with him

diddl · 12/12/2011 07:36

OP-are you insulted by your son having his father´s name?

Think your husband is being a bit precious tbh.

Animation · 12/12/2011 07:48

Is the problem not being able to say "no" to your DH?

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 12/12/2011 07:55

Your dh cannot ask your ds to change his name. 11 years is too old to have a choice like that made for you, he may decide in the future to do it himself.
My sister partner is is in the same position and has decided to take my sisters name when they marry and their baby will have my sisters name.

exoticfruits · 12/12/2011 08:04

Your DS is old enough to have his own opinion. I didn't want to change my DSs name and I was worried about asking him because I thought he would be able to tell what I thought. I got a friend to chat to him and she got it to come up naturally in conversation without him knowing it was a question. He was quite plain-he didn't want to. I would do the same-get a neutral party to discuss.
To me, it tells DS that you and DH don't like half his make up and I would be loathe to do it-it isn't a good message.
I have know DCs have their name changed and they were deeply resentful.

exoticfruits · 12/12/2011 08:04

sorry -have known

dontletthebellsend · 12/12/2011 08:21

Its his own name, not his father's name. Its nothing to do with your DH.

valiumredhead · 12/12/2011 08:29

I feel very very strongly that names should not be changed. And in this case it seems like your dh is creating a problem where none exists.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 12/12/2011 08:41

I agree with everyone else. Your DH has no right at all to assert that your ds's name should be changed. Your DS's name is his and his alone. As such only he can make a decision about it. FWIW my mother and stepfather did this to me when I was 6 years old. I have always resented it; always detested being given a new name that had nothing to do with me; and to this day harbour an unease that they changed who I was and I had to go along with it. Oh, and I'm 51 now and it still makes me cross.

Animation · 12/12/2011 08:46

Yes, I think a name change is only warranted if the child comes to you and specifically asks for it to be changed.

Btw, you haven't said if your son has a special relationship with your DH?

queenrollo · 12/12/2011 08:46

My bio-dad left when I was a baby(and was absent, i met him when i was 32). My mum changed my name when I was 3 (not legally, she just started using my step-dad's surname for me). I was none the wiser until a passport application at the age of 13 let the cat out of the bag (at which point i found out that someone else was my dad).
Aside from the legal/bureaucratic headache this has caused me (still does occassionally) over the years the emotional aspect was hard for me.

In my 20's I started using my legal name. My mum and dad hate this fact. To me it felt like they were trying to deny my ftaher's existence. My name is an important part of who I am.
I wanted to start using it when I found out at 13 and they refused to acknowledge this or let me. It created a huge gulf between us that has never and will never be repaired.

If your son wants to change his name then he'll arrive at that decision by himself and when he's ready to, but as does have a relationship with his father I doubt he will want to.
Don't understimate how important a part of our sense of self our name is.

exoticfruits · 12/12/2011 10:03

Don't understimate how important a part of our sense of self our name is.

Exactly. It is only something that should be done by the person themselves and not even because they want to please someone else.

AmberLeaf · 12/12/2011 10:31

YABVVVU.

I also wouldnt say that your sons father seeing him every fortnight counts as showing 'zero interest'

samandi · 12/12/2011 10:32

TBH I'm confused about why you gave your son his father's name when the guy didn't even want kids. Wouldn't it have been better to have your name from the start? But it seems a bit daft to think about changing it now, especially after three years of marriage, and then to a name that you and your husband don't even have?

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 10:35

DS has always had a good relationship with his dad regardless of my feelings about him. He sees his father nearly every fortnight

DS's father actually contributes almost nothing to his life and shows almost zero interest in him

So which is it??? Confused

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 10:36

You DH wants to take your exes money to pay for the child (rightly) but not to let the child have the fathers name. He is being VU. Then you are married so have your husbands name.

Son's father his own surname.

Your DH wants your son to have a name that no one, not mother, not father, not step father uses.

He's a muppett!.

If there are any court orders in place for contact you won't be able to change his name anyway.

TroublesomeEx · 12/12/2011 10:43

I gave my DS my name at birth.

When DH and I married (not his biological father) DS had the option of changing his name or not.

I changed my name, we had DD's birth certificate re-issued in our new family name (she is DH's biological daughter) and we made a list of pros and cons with DS. It was entirely his choice. He knew that it wasn't even a decision he needed to make straight away.

He thought about it and talked about it for 2 or 3 weeks and eventually decided he did want to change it by deed poll. So we did.

He has never seen his father. His father and his father's family have shown no interest in him ever. If he had had a relationship with his father, neither DH or I would have had any expectation of him to change it (not that we had an 'expectation' anyway, IYSWIM).

But the theme running throughout was that it was DS's choice and decision to make. He saw it as a new chapter in his life and that he and I were changing our names together. Not because DH 'owned' us, but because we were showing the world that we were an impenetrable unit. Which we are.

I'm pleased he did want to, but it was still his choice.

Ungratefulchild · 12/12/2011 10:48

Queen rollo is absolutely right. Changing your name is a big deal. I have some experience of this too and tbh it totally messed me up. The 'insult' thing is ridiculous.

i'm confused though, you say your son has a good relationship with his Dad but then say the dad contributes nothing? Changing his name might be very difficult for their relationship?

fedupofnamechanging · 12/12/2011 11:11

This sort of mess, is why babies should be given their mother's names and not their father's. Why is the man's name seen as more 'right' than the woman's? Especially when the man didn't want a baby and hasn't been a proper father.

I had ds1 before dh and I were married. He was given my last name. I was happy to change it when we married, but not before.

OP, your dh needs to butt out - he either wants to adopt ds and you all have the same name, or he doesn't. This is a matter entirely for your child and you mustn't let your dh make your child feel that there is something wrong with his name. Imo, you should have given him your name to start with, but seeing as you didn't, the name your child has is part of him and your dh has no business trying to erase elements of your past.

Original poster
Mollified · 12/12/2011 11:22

Sorry I didn't reply last night RL got in the way suddenly.

Thanks I thought I wasn't being unreasonable but DH just wouldn't let it go. I have never suggested to DS that he change his name but I have asked him if he ever thought about it - he said no. So I never mentioned it again. But DH wants me to have a proper discussion about it pointing out all of the pros etc. I don't want to and have just been stubbornly refusing to discuss it.

What I mean by his father showing zero interest is that he has never been to DS's school or spoken to his teachers, he has never seen any of DS's plays or sports or asked about his extracurricular activities at home. His father does not collect DS for his fortnightly access; his mother (DS's Nanny) does and he only drops DS back with his mother for company. I suspect that he actually only makes any effort at all because his mother gives him a regular kick up the arse.

I don't think DH is jealous or selfish, he is just failing to see why its a problem for me or DS. I have explained that I feel that its very important that DS has a link with his father. The fact that his father is a fuckwit is nothing to do with DS, its my problem not his. DS's father has parental responsibility - again I insisted upon this. But as, my husband, I think that DH has some parental responsibility also? he certainly has financial responsibility.

OP posts:
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