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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my son to have to change his name

70 replies

Mollified · 11/12/2011 21:28

DS1 is 11 he is my DH step son. I was not married to DS1's father, our relationship was short and he did not want any kids but I refused to have an abortion, anyway when DS was born he was happy to acknowledge him as his and I wanted his name on the birth cert. We split when DS was 8 months old because he was not able to cope with the responsibility of having a child and I got fed up with being the only adult in the house. My relationship with DS's father has been strained over the years - difficulty's with maintenance payments and some other nastiness that I don't really wish to go into.

DS has always had a good relationship with his dad regardless of my feelings about him. He sees his father nearly every fortnight.

Anyway, I got married three years ago. DS1 still has his fathers name but I have taken my DH name. Recently DH has been suggesting that DS should change his name to my maiden name. He feels that DS1 having his fathers name is an insult to me (DH knows our history and strongly dislikes DS's father because of what he has put me through) and that DS having a name that is not related to either of our families is unnecessarily complicated, especially as DS's father actually contributes almost nothing to his life and shows almost zero interest in him.

I don't want DS to change his name. I can't be specific as to why, I just feel that its not right. AIBU?

OP posts:

ImHotNoYoureHot · 12/12/2011 11:27

I totally agree with karma. I don't understand why, when your ds was born, you didn't give him your surname? You could still have had his dad named as father but he could have had your name and then there would be no hassle now. My friend was married when she got pg ( hadn't changed her own name) and her ds left while she was pg "to sort out his head". When her ds was born she game him her surname. Her ds never came back so it's so much easier for her ds to have the same name as his mam.

However, it's too late for that now. Your ds has a relationship with his dad and no way should you ask him to change his name. Families come in all shapes and sizes now, it's not a big deal for him to have a different name to the rest of you. I'd imagine he has plenty pals in the same situation.

mummytime · 12/12/2011 11:41

I haven't seen my father since I was 2 ish. I still have his surname at ummm 40+, I kept it on getting married. It is my name. I wouldn't change it for anyone. (Especially after all those years of learning how to spell it.)
Maybe tell your DH that, names are important, and changing them is a choice.

Animation · 12/12/2011 11:43

OP - you still haven't mentioned what kind of relationship your DH has with your son - I'm not getting a sense that your DH's reasons for him taking on his name is to do with a special attachment and bond.

Original poster

Mollified · 12/12/2011 11:43

This is not a problem for DS at all. He doesn't want to change his name and I don't want him to change his name. The problem is now getting DH to understand that its not an option.

I chose to give him his fathers name for several reasons; I hoped believedthat our relationship would last, at this point he seemed to have gotten over his wobble about fatherhood; it was only later that it became apparent that he could not forgive me for getting pregnant. I believe that fathers should have a relationship with their kids and I hoped that DS having his name would strengthen that bond. DS does have my family name as a middle name (its not my maiden name though...its very complicated ).

OP posts:

Ceic · 12/12/2011 11:46

Legally speaking, I'm pretty sure that your DH has no parental responsibility for your DS, his stepson, unless a court has granted this.

Advice Now guide - scroll down to step parents paragraph

KatAndKit · 12/12/2011 11:47

Well if your son doesn't want to change his name then there need be no further discussion on the matter. You can't force him into it, he is old enough to make his own mind up.
You don't need to get your husband to "understand", he can just like it or lump it, it isn't for him to decide. It's your son's name and he is happy with it as it is.

Animation · 12/12/2011 11:49

"The problem is now getting DH to understand that its not an option."

Well just tell him to drop it - not up for discussion.

Your son has a father and a name already.

Ceic · 12/12/2011 11:51

X-post will Mollified

Would it be worth showing your DH the legal process of getting a child's name changed? I think you'd need permission from your ex.

Original poster

Mollified · 12/12/2011 11:56

Animation I am sort of avoiding it. DH and DS have had a rocky relationship but it is improving. I have always been a very relaxed parent, DH is not. This is not a bad thing but DH has difficulty meeting in the middle dropping his standards so, were I used to do pretty much everything around the house, now DS is expected to do chores (empty the dishwasher/fill the dishwasher, help with stopping the toddler finding another elaborate way of injuring himself that sort of thing).
Things are getting better, DS is getting happier and his life is far more comfortable, stable and secure since I married

OP posts:

Stropperella · 12/12/2011 12:05

Your dh does not have legal parental responsibility unless he has officially applied for it through the court. It's easy enough to do these days. I think you just have to fill in a form BUT your ds's father has to agree to your dh having PR.

My dd changed her surname by deed poll to my dh's surname after her father died. She was 6 and I sometimes wonder if we did the right thing by her. She was adamant at the time that it was what she wanted to do because she didn't want to be "different" from the rest of us. However, I would not be at all surprised if she changed her name back to my exh's in a couple of years. Fair enough. Her life, her name, her choice.

kelly2000 · 12/12/2011 12:05

No wonder DH and DS have a rocky relationship, if DH thinks because he is married to you he can make demands on your son's name. What will you do if in five years DS tells DH he is changing his name again? At the end of the day, your name belongs to you, and no-one else has the right to change it. besides which DH has no legal rights to change it, and I suspect your ex may have to give permission also.

Stropperella · 12/12/2011 12:08

And you absolutely do need to get your ds's father's permission to change his name anyway. I had to send my exh's death cert when I did dd's name change, just to prove he wasn't around to have an opinion either way.

TroublesomeEx · 12/12/2011 12:28

Yes, you would need your DS's father's permission to change his surname if he has PR. Not sure about without PR, but given that your DS and you don't want him to change his name, then it's a moot point anyway.

You don't need to get your DH to 'understand'. It's nothing to do with him. The choice ultimately lies with your DS and he has made his decision.

The end!

slavetofilofax · 12/12/2011 12:30

Get your dh to read this thread if you need to convince him.

That way he will know taht you are listening to him and thinking about his opinions and taking them seriously, but he will also be able to see that it is not an option.

Ask him if he can imagine how he would have felt if he was 11 and his Mum got remarried then his step dad decided he wanted to wipe out somethingb that belonged to him and was part of his identity.

KidnaptheSandyClaws · 12/12/2011 12:45

My mum changed my surname from her maiden name to my step father's name when they married. I was five but I remember being so shocked when I came to school one day and my drawer had moved from the 'P' section to the 'B' section. The name sounded very odd and out of place and to be honest I only started to accept it in my late teens.

I think that who we are as people 'informs' our name. DS undoubtedly feels his name is a part of him and changing it would probably communicate a level of displeasure, subconsciously, in who he his.

exoticfruits · 12/12/2011 15:59

He doesn't want to change his name and I don't want him to change his name. The problem is now getting DH to understand that its not an option

The first part says all you neeed to know-he doesn't want to.

aldiwhore · 12/12/2011 16:11

I hate this whole idea of women having to be the ones who change their names. Your son's name is his father's surname, I would not change it at the behest of your current DH, as your maiden name isn't your name anymore is it?

I would not have taken my new DH's name, I would have double barelled it (which many hate) or simply carried on using my maiden name in marriage (which is perfectly legal) and I probably wouldn't have given my son his father's name, but my own. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though.

Your DS is 11, his name is part of his identity, and unless HE wants to change it, it should remain. Your DH is understandable, but unreasonable.

mrsscoob · 12/12/2011 17:23

karmabeliever I totally agree with you. Was just about to post something similar but you said it much better than I would have!

fedupofnamechanging · 12/12/2011 17:30

thank you mrsscoob. Kind of you to say so

nativitywreck · 12/12/2011 17:34

My child has my name because his dad had no responsibility for him.
I have lots of friends who are together but not married, and the child has the fathers name.
To me this is weird, as I would hate to have a different name from ds.
If I ever got married (ha ha fat chance) ds and I would decide together if were going to change our names. If he didn't want to , then I wouldn't either.

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