How do I get my DH to make an effort with HIS DD?!

[newbiedoobiedoo]

I've copied this from Step-parenting along with replies I got but wanted a variety of opinions I suppose

The title about sums it up! My SD is 17. We've had some MAJOR problems in the past (with her threatening to kill me while I was 8 months pregnant, DH and his mother CONSTANTLY falling out over SD, not coming to our wedding etc.)

MIL adores SD's mother and would never hear a bad word against her...I think this has led to resentment but because he hates dealing with anything remotely difficult, it's resulted in him distancing himself from the lot of them, including SD. She does come to see us but maybe twice a year and though there's a lot of contact with MIL and DH there's practically nothing with SD.

I have begged him, text her pretending to be him, last year at Christmas (with the threats etc.) I just gave up on the lot of them. Asked DH to please stay in touch with SD but I wasn't involving myself anymore. The result? No Christmas present and I had to send cards and a pretty shit gift at the last minute.

We are broke, completely and utterly. And SD's mum has agreed not to make an issue of money until we're back on our feet so it's not like he's avoiding that.

SD came to spend a week with us in the summer and was supposed to come back over Christmas. But now she's not because there was no effort or discussion made.

I am always sending her messages on FB and texts from "him" mostly to keep the peace. I begged him to change because I want her to either be a part of my kid's lives (and ours of course) or not! Because the one a year visits and no conversations are just confusing for my younger kids and I'm sure don't do SD any favours!!!

I would imagine from her POV that it's like he's not really her dad but he keeps this pissy contact. I'm sure sometimes she'd rather he just disappeared so her SD (who is great to her) can be her "real" dad.

God this is so long sorry! sad

I've had a lot of family issues this year, not least of which is my brother's attempted suicide and the fall out from that. Plus my MIL who constantly bitches to SD about us anyway, has to be treated with kid gloves or she'll kick off, say unspeakable things to and about DH and there'll be war! I can't deal with that again (been happening on and off for 7 years!)

So what do I do???

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Orioniris Wed 07-Dec-11 14:59:27

I'm sorry if my opinion is not what you want to hear but, why would you want a person like that around your kids? I know we all want the loving, united family but step families are not always like that, if she's that crazy, crazy enough to threaten to kill you, if I were you, I wouldn't want her anywhere near my kids. remember teenagers are full of hormones and surprises, god forbid she snaps and does something crazy. If she is not showing any interest on being around, let her be, because either it's for the best or she'll eventually come around when she feels like she needs/wants to be there. Just don't push it, kids tend to go the other way if they see you're trying too hard.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 15:43:31

No it's ok I understand what you're saying. I've been told (by the MIL wouldn't you know!) that she was in a very dark place, receiving counselling etc at the time. To be honest, I've had to get over a lot of things. She did apologise but nobody, not her mother, not MIL, not anybody ever has or ever will acknowledge when she's out of order on something. The result is that we all put up with a lot from her because that's just how things are! It does bother me if I let it so I try not to think about anything really!

I don't know it's just DH bothers me a lot. I worry that if we were to split he would treat our children the same! He says he would never do and I believe him but then that just makes me feel worse for SD! I do think she treats me quite badly at times. Never her dad though!

I find it very hard to stay away or not interfere. I feel like his behaviour to her reflects on me. I've been as good as told that!

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NatashaBee Wed 07-Dec-11 15:55:54

I wouldn't sneak around 'pretending to be him'. Let her do what she wants, but try and keep the door open for future contact - send her an email/letter letting her know what the family is up to, news on her siblings, invite her to come and visit or suggest days out. But you are unlikely to be able to do much to change her behaviour, it is something that will probably only come with time and maturity. It seems like your husband knows that already which is why he's stepped away.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 16:01:23

I suppose you're right Natasha. I just feel like we had so much hassle for it now to be barely a relationship!

In the interest of full disclosure I have to say that DH has always been like this. He left when she was a newborn because of an affair. Didn't see her until she was 2.5 because his wife (the affair) didn't want it. They broke up. He saw her then until she was about 9 or 10 (I met him then) and ever since it's just been drama, problems, fights and him just not really having a lot to do with her!

I know we can't afford to have her as much now (big travel distance) but it really doesn't cost much to phone and facebook her. I suppose I'm a bit naive!

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lisaro Wed 07-Dec-11 16:11:55

Of course he'll be like that with your kids when (not if) you split. And frankly, they're better off without. Honestly - he sounds a dead loss and the sooner you get rid the better. You sound really nice, but blind where he's concerned.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 16:23:51

I know I'm going to sound pathetic but he really has changed from the way he was.

We went through a lot. He'd been a bit of a prick to everyone really and I just wouldn't take it from him. So he didn't do it with me. Then slowly he started to change towards everyone else. His mum has said repeatedly he's back to the person she knew before SD was born. But to be honest she is a MASSIVE part of the problem. And she'll never see that she's wrong, she's constantly the victim etc. so we all just put up with it!

She says she's afraid to upset him by having a go at him about SD so gets me to do it instead and because I feel responsible I do it! I feel guilty that he's not a bastard to us! Makes no sense I know!

Her mum hates me and MIL told me they all blame me for his behaviour but they don't know it's me doing the messages, presents, cards etc sad

I don't know why I can't let it go! I just don't want to be married to that sort of man I suppose!

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lisaro Wed 07-Dec-11 16:29:31

I don't think he did it with his ex at first. Why is his mother to blame? I'm honestly concerned for you. Re read your last sentence. You're far too good for that.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 16:38:59

She's a very difficult person. He doesn't speak to his dad mostly down to her, or his grandad. Yet she does! And his dad, grandad and that whole side of his family visit SD and his ex regularly yet don't have anything to do with our children. MIL has encouraged this relationship yet is always telling DH & I stories of how he abused her and really making us feel that we shouldn't have anything to do with him!

MIL, when she's upset with DH, phones his ex and SD and tells them all about it. She has admitted to me that herself and his ex phone each other to have "a good bitch"(?!) about DH and I....

It's a very weird dynamic and one I'm not used to. I make a huge effort with SD's mother. Because I feel I have to.

They put up photos of each other in frames that say "My Family" and stuff like that. DH has said that he feels they are all a family and he's not needed or wanted by any of them.

I feel like they go out of their way to make us feel left out and 'tolerated' as opposed to loved. It's very strange, quite hard to explain which is why I sound about 5 years old!

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lisaro Wed 07-Dec-11 16:43:57

It sounds pretty crap, but please, please do open your eyes to the whole pic. Good luck.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 16:45:27

Thank you lisaro I realise how I'm sounding here and I would tell myself the same thing...maybe I need to have a good think!

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lisaro Wed 07-Dec-11 17:00:14

I'm glad you realise I'm not sniping at you. I've seen something that sounds very similar, that's why I'm being blunt. I really do wish you well.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 17:39:07

Thank you! smile

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TryingNotToLoseMyTemper Wed 07-Dec-11 21:39:23

Gawd, newbie, that sounds like a horrible situation. How do you bear it?

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 22:08:44

By ignoring it mostly! Don't know what that makes me but I've been trying to make this happen for 8 years and either sd hates me or dh and I argue or mil falls out with me, him or both! Writing it down it looks so much worse than I realised! sad

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newbiedoobiedoo Thu 08-Dec-11 17:16:25

So is the general consensus to just mind my own business then? Assuming that things don't go pear-shaped between us. It really isn't anything to do with me is it?!

I know it's HUGE but that's including replies!

tbh I would stay out of it

texting and messaging and presents, ''from him'' nah, don't bother, what a lot of bloody effort

so what if ex hates you? shrug and carry on with your own family

MIL hates you? again, shrug, put up with what you can, limit visits etc to what you can stand

I can't decide if your DH is a dick for not bothering with his DD himself or if he's given up/withdrawn because of the backlash from her

Tbh I can't decide either! :(

I can see that staying out of it is the best thing...and she's so mean to me (sometimes) when I text/message as me which is ironic since they're all from me! But then she can be so lovely and I feel horribly guilty if I DON'T do it and she gets ignored! On top of which I genuinely care about her and would love her to be a proper part of our lives!

I can't help reacting to the fact that he left his wife when she had just given birth and went off with somebody else. Then he let the 'affair' dictate whether he saw the child he had abandoned (x2); now doesn't keep up contact with her (x3). I'm not surprised the girl is a bit of a handful with a father like that. He has really let her down and tbh I think she'd be better off without him as he is. It would also be an instant dealbreaker for me if my partner didn't keep - or try his best to keep - contact with his children. I have a very dysfunctional family so I empathise with having to negotiate around a poisonous brood to get to the child but he's a father and it is up to him to maintain contact with his children, regardless how difficult that may be sometimes.

I don't think you can get him to make an effort. It shouldn't BE an effort for him. That's his child. The fact that he doesn't give a crap and it is an 'effort' tells you everything you need to know about him. I'm sorry. I know you love him but he sounds horrible. And I think that you are fooling yourself if you think for a second that he wouldn't treat the children you share the same way if you split he has shown himself to be a man who only cares about his children while he is with their mother.

I am sorry, I am aware this sounds awfully cruel, but you wanted opinions.

I think it basically comes down to you expecting mature behaviour from everyone else (including a 17yr-old) while at the same time excusing your dh's immaturity. You say he's changed but I really don't see how.

He's still running away whenever he finds something difficult and expects other people to take the fallout for him. You blame his previous wife for him not seeing his dd but how convenient for him! "It's not my fault I abandoned my newborn dd. My wife made me do it."

I really don't see him making any kind of an effort with his dd. It will always be too much trouble for him, and I suspect it would be the same even if his dd was an angel in human form.

Please don't be sorry, I am not surprised in the slightest by people's responses and tbh I kind of feel like I've gained something by having back up!!!

I completely agree that a relationship with his own child should not be "en effort" and though I've asked, discussed, argued, reasoned, threatened for years (and I do mean years) I just can't get an answer out of him as to why.

I don't blame my SD at all and if I came across that way I truly didn't mean it. I do blame him, ex, MIL and myself (also dh's brother) as we are adults and we've all played a part in previous problems.

The relationship between MIL and ex is very strange, MIL REFUSES to listen to dh if he has had a set-to with ex, yet has told me that they ring each other up to "discuss" when he does or doesn't do something!

When she was last with us she showed me texts from dh's brother asking was I saying anything about them it's just so weird and they really have a them and us attitude that I can't understand.

I've had massive arguments with MIL about her disrespect, her neediness and her involving a child in adult discussions. I've had arguments with all of them in fact (including DH) and I always come off the worse. He has been like this her whole life yet last year his ex text to say that I was a bitch and I'd come between dh and sd!!! Again, I'd love to say "you know what everything she gets whether it's a card/present or text is from me" but I don't and I wouldn't.

So: they hate me and think I'm evil incarnate. DH won't change so just lets me do it all without sticking up for me. I get on really well with SD for the most part but she can take or leave me tbh, she just wants her dad. Who, in all honesty, doesn't seem to want her!!!

I'm not going to leave him because he's brilliant to me and our three but if things go sour I know I should expect the same from him for my babies. :( Plus I dread days like her wedding, 21st etc. I can't sit in a room with them all! It will literally be dh, me and our children against dh's family and ex's family as they all do everything together and we're never included!!

Could you make it a condition that you go to counselling about it? Ijust wouldn't be able to get over this tbh though I appreciate that's easy for me to say. I wouldn't have gone there at all right at the start if I'd known there was a child he ignored, or made excuses for ignoring. He's confusing his toxic family with her which is a tragic mistake.

I also don't think you should be texting etc on his behalf. This is duplicitous and, although well meant, will not be helping the situation imo. I'm a believer that the truth has a freedom to it, no matter how painful - at least you know what you're dealing with.

That's the thing though I had no idea to begin with! When I first met him he had her picture up, spoke quite freely of her, sounded the doting dad!

I had no idea that he had (again) fallen out with his mum about her, because his ex had 'told' on him. I had no idea that he wasn't paying maintenance and that I was being blamed because he was spending all his money on me!!! (He wasn't btw I paid for everything for myself except for gifts etc)

No I didn't know, and by the time I copped on or rather found messages from his mother and his ex, they had already formed an alliance against the both of us and I was already labelled and everything I've done since has been treated like I'm being insincere and two-faced.

Wrt counselling...I just don't know what we'd get from it! I would say "he should talk to his daughter" he would say "yes I know" and he just wouldn't!

I really don't think it has been a good idea for you to pretend to be your husband, certainly not to a 17 year old girl who is very much a victim here. I know your intentions were good but what on earth is this like, from that poor teenager's point of view? She is now disturbed and in pain, and I doubt that anything short of professional help will put her back on track.

Your DH needs to get a grip with his own guilt and inadequacies. Do you really love him?

She has no idea that it's been me. I sincerely wish I'd never bloody done it. I did think I was doing right but if they ever find out there'll be murder and it will be my fault. That's why I'm afraid I can't just stop now. If I'd left it well enough alone she'd have kicked him out of her life by now and she'd be better off. When it kicked off last Xmas I asked him to let her go because it wasn't fair but he wouldn't! And still he hasn't changed :(

I do love him because honestly apart from this we're fine and as crazy as it sounds he is wonderful to our children together!

She has had counselling. Around the time it all fell apart last year. She apologised for what she said. Ironically we (sd and I) are the only ones who have apologised for our parts! Nobody else!

I've created a mess and I don't know how to un-mess it! If I come clean she will know and be terribly hurt. If I stop she will feel rejected all over again. Plus MIL has said that if sd falls out with us she will cut us and our children out of her life so my children get hurt :(

He didn't pay maintenance either?? words fail me now. He is not a nice man, I don't care how 'good' he is to you and your kids.

He skipped a few months but paid it back. Now they have an agreement in place because we both lost our jobs and so can't afford it! (it being their previously agreed amount)

What on earth do you think you are doing trying to control this situation? You can't, and you will never be able to.

Encourage your DH to maintain contact with his DD. You can send your SD updates on the family, gifts (from your DC would be better), etc, but make sure she knows that you are the instigator.

Stay the hell away from the rest of the family. You can't win this, and you will get hurt trying.

It is either a case of too much interference from the rest of the family which has poisoned the relationship between your DP and his DD, or your DP was an arsehole and the rest of the family had enough of his behaviour and excluded him and protected his ex and his DD, or a mix of the two. Whatever it is, your MIL sounds like a piece of work, and you had really best stay away. You have no idea whether she is twisting anything you say to her, so just stop.

Either way, you can't win. You could lose though, a heck of a lot.

You can't make your husband into a good father or a decent human being. You need to accept him for what he is and stop covering up for him.

thank goodness for that then - I had written him off as a bad lot!

counselling would get him to work through his reticence. A counsellor would know how to get under his skin (in the best possible sense) and explore his reasons for holding back. at least he's saying he knows he should be in contact with her.

I am a stepmother, and have been for over ten years, to kids who are now in their 20's.

My advice would be to keep out of it. Seriously, you cant force people to do what you would like, and there is never going to be a happy blended family here, because of your husband's past behaviour.

At 17 his daughter is now old enough to decide for herself if she wants to have a relationship with her father. Let her make her own mind up, and let her see the real him. Dont send any more texts, and dont interfere.

You need to stop the texting etc now and deal with the consequences, because it is like a sentence hanging over you. One day it will all come to light and you will have to deal with it, so get it over and done with and start afresh. So what if your MIL, your husband's ex MIL, your husband's ex and everyone else all think you were in the wrong - don't have any contact with them and let your husband face up to the fact that he is a pathetic excuse for a father. This situation is entirely of his creation and TBH I don't know how you can bear to live with him, knowing the kind of person he is.

I guess the OP is worrying that her husband's family is going to cut them off, if he continues to treat his stepdaughter badly, so she's trying to make up for it, or cover it up.

He's treated his sd abominably newbie. Surely you can see that.

Thank you all for your replies. I've f*cked up royally huh! ChitChatting you are spot on it's definitely a mixture of the two!

So I stay out of it (will find that almost impossible!) do I still contact her as 'me' though? Doubt she will want that if she's not hearing from her dad!

MIL will dump the lot of them now and that's just going to break my heart. He doesn't have his dad or grandad in his life yet they still visit sd and her mum so when his mum does it too (and she will, she has before she skipped our wedding because they fell out over his ex) then he will have nobody :(

Who doesnt have anyone?

Your husband? He has you and your kids...

Also yes I know he has been just awful to sd and (quite stupidly) I've been trying to pretend that he's a dad ANY sort of dad but he's just not and I hate that! I hate that I love a man that can do that. And I just don't get it because he has a huge ability to love! My family adore him he's so, so good to everyone here...just not them!

Sorry squeaky yes my dh. What I mean is he won't have any family he has said that they are like ex's family and he's just an outsider :(

I would say yes, if you want to stay in touch with her, to let her know how her half siblings are, then do so, but dont pressure her too much.

Please dont take this the wrong way, but she doesnt see you as a "stepmother". You are her dads wife, thats all. She has a mother, and you havent been a major role in her life (neither has her Dad..).

Keep a line of communication going with her, but let her make her own decisions. I dont think you did anything really bad by sending texts pretending to be her Dad, and your heart is clearly in the right place.

Your MIL sounds very harsh and few mothers would find it so hard to forgive their own son his mistakes. They might disapprove, but they wouldnt cut them off. It says a lot about her.

It sounds as though you want this to work out so that you don't have to accept that your husband is the kind of man who could be so unkind and uncaring to his own daughter. But unfortunately he is that man. I can imagine that if he is the man you love in other ways that is horrific to deal with - but the sad truth is, it's better his daughter deals with the man he really is - she is on her own journey and she will work out how to cope with it.

You are trying to do the right thing - but imagine if she finds out that the bare contact she has had was not really from him? She will be absolutely crushed.

His behaviour is appalling - nothing you do can change that fact - I can only suggest that you focus on your relationship with him - waht about some joint counselling where you can be open with him about how it makes you feel - and try to get some change in his behaviour?