How do I get my DH to make an effort with HIS DD?!

[newbiedoobiedoo]

I've copied this from Step-parenting along with replies I got but wanted a variety of opinions I suppose

The title about sums it up! My SD is 17. We've had some MAJOR problems in the past (with her threatening to kill me while I was 8 months pregnant, DH and his mother CONSTANTLY falling out over SD, not coming to our wedding etc.)

MIL adores SD's mother and would never hear a bad word against her...I think this has led to resentment but because he hates dealing with anything remotely difficult, it's resulted in him distancing himself from the lot of them, including SD. She does come to see us but maybe twice a year and though there's a lot of contact with MIL and DH there's practically nothing with SD.

I have begged him, text her pretending to be him, last year at Christmas (with the threats etc.) I just gave up on the lot of them. Asked DH to please stay in touch with SD but I wasn't involving myself anymore. The result? No Christmas present and I had to send cards and a pretty shit gift at the last minute.

We are broke, completely and utterly. And SD's mum has agreed not to make an issue of money until we're back on our feet so it's not like he's avoiding that.

SD came to spend a week with us in the summer and was supposed to come back over Christmas. But now she's not because there was no effort or discussion made.

I am always sending her messages on FB and texts from "him" mostly to keep the peace. I begged him to change because I want her to either be a part of my kid's lives (and ours of course) or not! Because the one a year visits and no conversations are just confusing for my younger kids and I'm sure don't do SD any favours!!!

I would imagine from her POV that it's like he's not really her dad but he keeps this pissy contact. I'm sure sometimes she'd rather he just disappeared so her SD (who is great to her) can be her "real" dad.

God this is so long sorry! sad

I've had a lot of family issues this year, not least of which is my brother's attempted suicide and the fall out from that. Plus my MIL who constantly bitches to SD about us anyway, has to be treated with kid gloves or she'll kick off, say unspeakable things to and about DH and there'll be war! I can't deal with that again (been happening on and off for 7 years!)

So what do I do???

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Orioniris Wed 07-Dec-11 14:59:27

I'm sorry if my opinion is not what you want to hear but, why would you want a person like that around your kids? I know we all want the loving, united family but step families are not always like that, if she's that crazy, crazy enough to threaten to kill you, if I were you, I wouldn't want her anywhere near my kids. remember teenagers are full of hormones and surprises, god forbid she snaps and does something crazy. If she is not showing any interest on being around, let her be, because either it's for the best or she'll eventually come around when she feels like she needs/wants to be there. Just don't push it, kids tend to go the other way if they see you're trying too hard.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 15:43:31

No it's ok I understand what you're saying. I've been told (by the MIL wouldn't you know!) that she was in a very dark place, receiving counselling etc at the time. To be honest, I've had to get over a lot of things. She did apologise but nobody, not her mother, not MIL, not anybody ever has or ever will acknowledge when she's out of order on something. The result is that we all put up with a lot from her because that's just how things are! It does bother me if I let it so I try not to think about anything really!

I don't know it's just DH bothers me a lot. I worry that if we were to split he would treat our children the same! He says he would never do and I believe him but then that just makes me feel worse for SD! I do think she treats me quite badly at times. Never her dad though!

I find it very hard to stay away or not interfere. I feel like his behaviour to her reflects on me. I've been as good as told that!

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NatashaBee Wed 07-Dec-11 15:55:54

I wouldn't sneak around 'pretending to be him'. Let her do what she wants, but try and keep the door open for future contact - send her an email/letter letting her know what the family is up to, news on her siblings, invite her to come and visit or suggest days out. But you are unlikely to be able to do much to change her behaviour, it is something that will probably only come with time and maturity. It seems like your husband knows that already which is why he's stepped away.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 16:01:23

I suppose you're right Natasha. I just feel like we had so much hassle for it now to be barely a relationship!

In the interest of full disclosure I have to say that DH has always been like this. He left when she was a newborn because of an affair. Didn't see her until she was 2.5 because his wife (the affair) didn't want it. They broke up. He saw her then until she was about 9 or 10 (I met him then) and ever since it's just been drama, problems, fights and him just not really having a lot to do with her!

I know we can't afford to have her as much now (big travel distance) but it really doesn't cost much to phone and facebook her. I suppose I'm a bit naive!

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lisaro Wed 07-Dec-11 16:11:55

Of course he'll be like that with your kids when (not if) you split. And frankly, they're better off without. Honestly - he sounds a dead loss and the sooner you get rid the better. You sound really nice, but blind where he's concerned.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 16:23:51

I know I'm going to sound pathetic but he really has changed from the way he was.

We went through a lot. He'd been a bit of a prick to everyone really and I just wouldn't take it from him. So he didn't do it with me. Then slowly he started to change towards everyone else. His mum has said repeatedly he's back to the person she knew before SD was born. But to be honest she is a MASSIVE part of the problem. And she'll never see that she's wrong, she's constantly the victim etc. so we all just put up with it!

She says she's afraid to upset him by having a go at him about SD so gets me to do it instead and because I feel responsible I do it! I feel guilty that he's not a bastard to us! Makes no sense I know!

Her mum hates me and MIL told me they all blame me for his behaviour but they don't know it's me doing the messages, presents, cards etc sad

I don't know why I can't let it go! I just don't want to be married to that sort of man I suppose!

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lisaro Wed 07-Dec-11 16:29:31

I don't think he did it with his ex at first. Why is his mother to blame? I'm honestly concerned for you. Re read your last sentence. You're far too good for that.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 16:38:59

She's a very difficult person. He doesn't speak to his dad mostly down to her, or his grandad. Yet she does! And his dad, grandad and that whole side of his family visit SD and his ex regularly yet don't have anything to do with our children. MIL has encouraged this relationship yet is always telling DH & I stories of how he abused her and really making us feel that we shouldn't have anything to do with him!

MIL, when she's upset with DH, phones his ex and SD and tells them all about it. She has admitted to me that herself and his ex phone each other to have "a good bitch"(?!) about DH and I....

It's a very weird dynamic and one I'm not used to. I make a huge effort with SD's mother. Because I feel I have to.

They put up photos of each other in frames that say "My Family" and stuff like that. DH has said that he feels they are all a family and he's not needed or wanted by any of them.

I feel like they go out of their way to make us feel left out and 'tolerated' as opposed to loved. It's very strange, quite hard to explain which is why I sound about 5 years old!

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lisaro Wed 07-Dec-11 16:43:57

It sounds pretty crap, but please, please do open your eyes to the whole pic. Good luck.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 16:45:27

Thank you lisaro I realise how I'm sounding here and I would tell myself the same thing...maybe I need to have a good think!

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lisaro Wed 07-Dec-11 17:00:14

I'm glad you realise I'm not sniping at you. I've seen something that sounds very similar, that's why I'm being blunt. I really do wish you well.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 17:39:07

Thank you! smile

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TryingNotToLoseMyTemper Wed 07-Dec-11 21:39:23

Gawd, newbie, that sounds like a horrible situation. How do you bear it?

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 22:08:44

By ignoring it mostly! Don't know what that makes me but I've been trying to make this happen for 8 years and either sd hates me or dh and I argue or mil falls out with me, him or both! Writing it down it looks so much worse than I realised! sad

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newbiedoobiedoo Thu 08-Dec-11 17:16:25

So is the general consensus to just mind my own business then? Assuming that things don't go pear-shaped between us. It really isn't anything to do with me is it?!

Sorry OP but he sounds like a complete waster and they're thoroughly sick of him. You sound desperately controlling, trying to make him into something he's not. Sending texts and presents on his behalf was a mistake. Just stop it, and start sending her newsy texts/emails about your kids and what they're up to if you must.

Really, why do you need to involve yourself in his family? Concentrate on your own family. So what if your children only see her occasionally, if at all? So what if your DH is isolated from his family through his behaviour? It sounds like it's time he learned about consequences.

So what if your kids don't see much of his family? They won't miss what they haven't had. Frankly I think you're the biggest problem in this situation and you need to butt out.

I agree with you in terms of backing off, I had decided to do that. :)

I'm not a controlling person but I agree that I've been controlling in this situation. Not for any sinister reason though. I think you're right, I have been trying to make him something he's not but for along time I honestly believed he WANTED to have a real relationship with her and just wasn't for whatever reasons. Now, I'm not so sure.

You say "what if your children only see her occasionally, if at all?" Well, she's their sister! And I think they deserve a shot at a relationship (by they I mean sd and my children). I don't know if they should miss out on siblings because of dh? Maybe I'm wrong.

I suppose I didn't want my kids isolated from his family because, again, I feel that they will miss out because of his mistakes/actions or whatever. But they're so young that if they grow up without him then I guess they won't know any different so that is definitely something I can get over! :) It makes me sad that sd's sister is MIL's grandaughter (as she said) and she spends time etc. with her but my own children (her actual grandchildren) won't get any love from her. I don't know how she can love them but not mine. They are innocent and have done nothing wrong! But, again, I'll just get over it! My children never have to know that!

I don't actually agree that I'm the biggest problem by a long shot! I think dh is the biggest problem personally. I am responsible for my actions but they are the result of a situation I came into, not one I created.

Thank you for your advice. It has been listened to I assure you! :) I sent off her Christmas gifts etc today but instead of forcing dh to sit down with a pen in his hand I wrote the cards, gift tags etc. I didn't leave his name off but I did put my own words in IYSWIM! I wasn't going to not send her stuff since I'd already bought it and besides, I don't want her getting nothing for Christmas!

I'm sure you have the best of intentions, but you really can't force this. His daughter is a lot older than his kids, and probably not that interested. Your kids have each other, and two parents.

Unfortunately when marriages break down it's not just the couple and their children who are affected. So is the wider family. You can't alter the past. Your MIL obviously gets on well with the ex and sees his first family as her priority. You think that's a shame for you all, but if your MIL doesn't want to spend time with you and your children, you just have to accept it. Stop fretting about a situation your kids will grow up to think is perfectly normal.

I agree that it was harsh of me to tell you you're the biggest problem, obviously it's your deadbeat DH who is to blame for creating this ridiculous situation in the first place. But you are to blame for it becoming such a problem for you!

You're right I am completely to blame for letting it get to me so much! I know I sound really petty and jealous. The funny thing is I actually don't mind them being close (and even if I did it's none of my business!)

My children are very close to my parents and siblings so honestly I think if they were to lose all contact within a year they'd have forgotten all about it! I think I have to grow up a bit and stop trying to make people 'fit' into what I think they should be like.

To be fair, sd does love them but really she doesn't have that much interest in them. I will still update her but I won't expect any response then if she ever does decide to be in their lives when she's older I'll have at least given her a channel to do that! :)

Also (sorry!) if anyone can advise me a little more on MIL I'd be grateful! :)

I agree that I have to just back off and leave them all to it. However, even though she threatened to cut off my kids if sd got upset again and never come to see them again (her actual words) she will mail me or my dh now and again and say she's depressed because she doesn't feel like a real grandma as she doesn't get to see them often?!

I'm Irish so my kids would have called her nana. That's what they call my mum. So, for example, it would have been Nana Jane and Nana Mary. But she went absolutely ballistic and wouldn't speak to us until I phoned her to say that they could call her grandma. This was when I was pregnant on my first!

I think with your MIL, if you want a relationship with her, you have to be clear about needing to leave out SD and your DH completely out of it. Make it exclusively about your children. Seriously, no discussion of them.

And that is going to be impossible as SD/DH overshadows everything. If your DH does something negative, it brings back all the shit things he has done and continues to do and MIL punishes him by punishing your kids. So, in the end, I would do the same as with SD: send updates and cards for major dates and leave as is. Let your DH deal with her only.

Re: Grandma vs. Nana. I would've thought that you would've known that she preferred to be called Grandma as that's likely what SD calls her so I don't get why you would rename her yourself. If it were me, I would have asked her what she would like to be called instead of conferring it upon her. Her reaction was OTT but you were a bit rude/impolite there. People are sensitive about names. See on some of these threads.

Have you ever thought that maybe MIL is distancing herself from your kids is because she is getting old and tired of picking up after your DH's messes. She had 17 years of it already. Not sure if she would want another 17+ years of it.

Its wrong if that's her thinking but maybe she can't go through it all over again.

Good luck and focus on your kids. Let the future fold how it will for your SD and your DH.

TBH you can't make him make the effort he should be. I have a father like that and it hurts like hell. So to offer you a little advice in the hope that things will be better in the future...

Keep the channels open by sending her birthday and xmas cards from you, him and your DC. She will probably know her fathers handwriting/may know yours so when she gets older and looks back she will know you made an effort at least and cared enough to do that.

Let her know that separate from your DH you will always be there for her if she needs you and that she can always come to your house if she wants to to see you/him/DC/all of you.

Basically 'kill her with kindness'. Sounds like she's been through a tough time and is a bit messed up by it to me. No excuse I know but hopefully she'll realise you're not the enemy and come round and have a relationship with you and DC.

I'm 34 and I still wait for my father to make the effort and it never happens. I've struggled with this all my life since he left my mother for another woman, who luckily made the effort for him over the years so we saw him and her and my step siblings. The older I've got the more I realised was down to my SM and not him.

I'm saying all this btw without having read the whole thread but in the hope that it helps a bit.

Wow tbh I never looked at the 'Nana' thing like that. What had happened was we were just chatting and dh mentioned how we all use Nana and not Grandma. She never said anything then and it just sort of passed on...then she phoned him and went off on one but I guess it was playing on her mind. Honestly didn't think of it that way so thank you for that!

Wrt her not wanting another 17 years of shit, she has said that she just expects him to cut her out of their lives so she'd rather just do it first! I really think, from even writing this down, that I just need to leave it alone! It's so complicated they make my head spin! And my family is pretty dysfunctional so this is just off the radar for me!!!

SantieMaggie I'm really grateful you've posted from the step-child's POV. It's given me hope that everything has to come from dh for it to count. I suppose I was just treating dh, children and I as a package deal when really I should just be ok with having a relationship with her myself, albeit a sporadic one!

Seems you have tried to do the best thing. I can answer this from a couple of different angles.

My mum and dad split when I was five. My dad saw me on weekends until he met his now wife, then the contact was less and less. I always blamed my stepmum (it probably didn't help that she was so different to my own mum). I hated her, all they seemed to care about was her kid and later on their kid too. My dad changed when he met her (in my eyes). However, when I was in my early teens I ended up staying with them for a couple of months and my stepmum showed nothing but concern for me. She's harsh dont get me wrong, she tells it like it is but she never mistreated me or made me feel unwelcome.

I later realised that it was actually my dad who just couldn't be arsed to see me..which hurts still. I realised that the reason i've never had a relationship with my stepmum is because of my dad's lies. He tells her I cant be bothered with him so if I call on the landline I get a telling off from her for not caring about my dad. She doesn't actually know how many times i've begged him to see me more often. (He lives miles away, he drives, I dont) She thinks I see lots of him, because when he's off with his mistress he tells her he has visited me. My own dad uses me as an alibi, and I take the bollockings because he's my dad and I cant tell on him :(

My dd's dad is the most manipulative excuse for a man i've ever met. He told his family lies to make sure none of them ever wanted to know dd, to cover himself. His family have never met me, but they hate me (they love his ex and new bride). It must be my fault somehow because he has contact with his other child, and his new child by his new wife, who has her head in the clouds thinking he wont do the same to them.

No wonder your SD has issues, I do, and im 33. I feel for you too, you are the enemy as far as your SD and FamilyIL are concerned. Your dh is the one responsible for this, what is he doing about it? He is willing to let you take the blame for everything because he's too cowardly to admit his wrongs? You say he's great to you and your kids, but he's happy to put you in this situation because he cant deal with it?

I do feel for you OP.

I think with the MIL, same as for the SD. Keep them in touch with what's happening through regular cards/letters and photos, but not on a weekly or even monthly basis. Just enough to keep the channels open, and when there's something to share.

I think Mynewpassion is right - ultimately you have to leave it for DH and MIL to sort out. It does sound like she can't stand your husband, and is very sensitive about the past. She probably feels it would be disloyal to the ex to get friendly with you, and that might always be in the way. However from what you've said, she also feels bad about not seeing her grandkids - but you can see how and why she's conflicted about it all.

Just take a back seat for a while and see what happens. Good luck!

It's the disloyalty to the ex I don't get. Surely her loyalty should be to her own family? But I'm not making excuses and tbh I've enough to deal with besides trying to fix a father/mother relationship that's beyond repair! Ultimately dh has brought it on himself but then he doesn't seem bothered by it!

Frogs his party line is always the same. If I bring up what I do to maintain contact his answer is "well I didn't ask you to". Which is true! So I'll leave him to it. Hopefully, like you, one day sd will realise that I tried because I do care about her!

Thank you for posting :)

Surely her loyalty should be to her own family?
Not if their behaviour is beyond the pale, which is obviously how she feels about your DH.

Like I said, the ramifications of such awful behaviour go far beyond the couple and even the children. Sadly it is also affecting you, because you want things to be different and they can't be. Very sad - but you can't change the past.

Yeah I think I came into the middle of something that is just beyond fixing and tried to fix it (more fool me!) I don't think I'll ever stop trying to encourage dh to WANT to see his daughter though. He really does have a big heart and I honestly think he loves her.

He left his wife with a 2 month old baby for a woman he was having an affair with, he's distant and uncommunicative with his daughter, at one point he stopped paying maintainence.. you can't really blame his mother for wanting to protect her new (at the time) grandaughter (and her grandaughter's mother). His behaviour was indefensible..

Sounds like you've got a right gem there.

I feel very sorry for your step daughter, you've obviously tried your best but you really just need to encourage your husband to put in the leg work himself.

Have you ever tried spending time with your mother in law without him there? Maybe take your kids out with her? Or would that be a big no no?

No I suppose I don't blame her (MIL) and she has said that she felt she had to step up to the plate when he wouldn't so sd had the family even if she didn't have him. What gets me is the woman he left for HATED his sd (a baby and then a young child?!) and wanted nothing to do with her even when dh saw her. He would bring her to their home and she would leave until sd was brought home again!

Yet sd's mum has said everything was better when he was with Jane??? I just can't figure them out at all and I'm not going to even bother to try anymore!

But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt when they have photos in frames that say "My Family" and it's MIL, FIL, BIL, BIL's gf, SD, Ex and SD's sister! Still, I have my own crazy family to worry about so I'll just leave them to it!

Snuffaluffagus yep I will continue to try to get him to be some sort of father to sd, I just won't do it for him anymore! :)

Wrt MIL as mad as it sounds we do get on fine but we live so far apart that really it wouldn't be realistic and my children are so young (5, 3 and 1) that they can't go alone to spend time with them. Though I won't have an issue with that when they're older....if she's still speaking to them that is! :D

Maybe it was better with Jane because a full lack of contact is sometimes better than the sporadic, always canceling, and resentment-filled interactions. It was likely more healthier for SD at that time.

I always support trying to do as much as possible to maintain contact between children and their separated parents but sometimes you can't force the parent. One-time rejection vs. many, many rejections. Personally, I can deal with one-time rejection but to see it again and again, its hurtful to children and seems to victimize their self-esteem and self-worth.

Having read all this, I would also say that you ought to stay away from it all. Perhaps something went on before you met your husband and no one will talk about it. You must step back. It's not 'your family' and never has been from the look of it. I mean that if you have not been accepted by the MiL etc they are not your family.

I am very lucky in that I know I have been accepted by my DH's family and he has certainly been accepted into mine. I have eben invited to a DSS for Christmas (Sadly, I no longer have my DH.)

So sorry for you mabel

I do think that if MIL had her way she would have ex as her DIL and I wouldn't exist! She is kind to me and nice to me but ex is the be all and end all and that is it! They go shopping together, go to each other's houses for Christmas visits, birthdays etc. Up until recently MIL did all her ironing!

BUT...she would deny it down to the ground if confronted so what's the point? I suppose I'm guilty by association because I love my dh and am with him as opposed to against him IYKWIM. They don't know the conversations I have and the efforts I make for sd. And they won't ever do either. And you know what, from this thread I understand that it doesn't even matter what they think.

If sd can know that she will always have a home here and people who love her then I'm not interested in anything else! :)

Doobie?? Sorry for hijack. Your old SA thread has come up. Did you make the move?