How do I get my DH to make an effort with HIS DD?!

[newbiedoobiedoo]

I've copied this from Step-parenting along with replies I got but wanted a variety of opinions I suppose

The title about sums it up! My SD is 17. We've had some MAJOR problems in the past (with her threatening to kill me while I was 8 months pregnant, DH and his mother CONSTANTLY falling out over SD, not coming to our wedding etc.)

MIL adores SD's mother and would never hear a bad word against her...I think this has led to resentment but because he hates dealing with anything remotely difficult, it's resulted in him distancing himself from the lot of them, including SD. She does come to see us but maybe twice a year and though there's a lot of contact with MIL and DH there's practically nothing with SD.

I have begged him, text her pretending to be him, last year at Christmas (with the threats etc.) I just gave up on the lot of them. Asked DH to please stay in touch with SD but I wasn't involving myself anymore. The result? No Christmas present and I had to send cards and a pretty shit gift at the last minute.

We are broke, completely and utterly. And SD's mum has agreed not to make an issue of money until we're back on our feet so it's not like he's avoiding that.

SD came to spend a week with us in the summer and was supposed to come back over Christmas. But now she's not because there was no effort or discussion made.

I am always sending her messages on FB and texts from "him" mostly to keep the peace. I begged him to change because I want her to either be a part of my kid's lives (and ours of course) or not! Because the one a year visits and no conversations are just confusing for my younger kids and I'm sure don't do SD any favours!!!

I would imagine from her POV that it's like he's not really her dad but he keeps this pissy contact. I'm sure sometimes she'd rather he just disappeared so her SD (who is great to her) can be her "real" dad.

God this is so long sorry! sad

I've had a lot of family issues this year, not least of which is my brother's attempted suicide and the fall out from that. Plus my MIL who constantly bitches to SD about us anyway, has to be treated with kid gloves or she'll kick off, say unspeakable things to and about DH and there'll be war! I can't deal with that again (been happening on and off for 7 years!)

So what do I do???

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Orioniris Wed 07-Dec-11 14:59:27

I'm sorry if my opinion is not what you want to hear but, why would you want a person like that around your kids? I know we all want the loving, united family but step families are not always like that, if she's that crazy, crazy enough to threaten to kill you, if I were you, I wouldn't want her anywhere near my kids. remember teenagers are full of hormones and surprises, god forbid she snaps and does something crazy. If she is not showing any interest on being around, let her be, because either it's for the best or she'll eventually come around when she feels like she needs/wants to be there. Just don't push it, kids tend to go the other way if they see you're trying too hard.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 15:43:31

No it's ok I understand what you're saying. I've been told (by the MIL wouldn't you know!) that she was in a very dark place, receiving counselling etc at the time. To be honest, I've had to get over a lot of things. She did apologise but nobody, not her mother, not MIL, not anybody ever has or ever will acknowledge when she's out of order on something. The result is that we all put up with a lot from her because that's just how things are! It does bother me if I let it so I try not to think about anything really!

I don't know it's just DH bothers me a lot. I worry that if we were to split he would treat our children the same! He says he would never do and I believe him but then that just makes me feel worse for SD! I do think she treats me quite badly at times. Never her dad though!

I find it very hard to stay away or not interfere. I feel like his behaviour to her reflects on me. I've been as good as told that!

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NatashaBee Wed 07-Dec-11 15:55:54

I wouldn't sneak around 'pretending to be him'. Let her do what she wants, but try and keep the door open for future contact - send her an email/letter letting her know what the family is up to, news on her siblings, invite her to come and visit or suggest days out. But you are unlikely to be able to do much to change her behaviour, it is something that will probably only come with time and maturity. It seems like your husband knows that already which is why he's stepped away.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 16:01:23

I suppose you're right Natasha. I just feel like we had so much hassle for it now to be barely a relationship!

In the interest of full disclosure I have to say that DH has always been like this. He left when she was a newborn because of an affair. Didn't see her until she was 2.5 because his wife (the affair) didn't want it. They broke up. He saw her then until she was about 9 or 10 (I met him then) and ever since it's just been drama, problems, fights and him just not really having a lot to do with her!

I know we can't afford to have her as much now (big travel distance) but it really doesn't cost much to phone and facebook her. I suppose I'm a bit naive!

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lisaro Wed 07-Dec-11 16:11:55

Of course he'll be like that with your kids when (not if) you split. And frankly, they're better off without. Honestly - he sounds a dead loss and the sooner you get rid the better. You sound really nice, but blind where he's concerned.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 16:23:51

I know I'm going to sound pathetic but he really has changed from the way he was.

We went through a lot. He'd been a bit of a prick to everyone really and I just wouldn't take it from him. So he didn't do it with me. Then slowly he started to change towards everyone else. His mum has said repeatedly he's back to the person she knew before SD was born. But to be honest she is a MASSIVE part of the problem. And she'll never see that she's wrong, she's constantly the victim etc. so we all just put up with it!

She says she's afraid to upset him by having a go at him about SD so gets me to do it instead and because I feel responsible I do it! I feel guilty that he's not a bastard to us! Makes no sense I know!

Her mum hates me and MIL told me they all blame me for his behaviour but they don't know it's me doing the messages, presents, cards etc sad

I don't know why I can't let it go! I just don't want to be married to that sort of man I suppose!

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lisaro Wed 07-Dec-11 16:29:31

I don't think he did it with his ex at first. Why is his mother to blame? I'm honestly concerned for you. Re read your last sentence. You're far too good for that.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 16:38:59

She's a very difficult person. He doesn't speak to his dad mostly down to her, or his grandad. Yet she does! And his dad, grandad and that whole side of his family visit SD and his ex regularly yet don't have anything to do with our children. MIL has encouraged this relationship yet is always telling DH & I stories of how he abused her and really making us feel that we shouldn't have anything to do with him!

MIL, when she's upset with DH, phones his ex and SD and tells them all about it. She has admitted to me that herself and his ex phone each other to have "a good bitch"(?!) about DH and I....

It's a very weird dynamic and one I'm not used to. I make a huge effort with SD's mother. Because I feel I have to.

They put up photos of each other in frames that say "My Family" and stuff like that. DH has said that he feels they are all a family and he's not needed or wanted by any of them.

I feel like they go out of their way to make us feel left out and 'tolerated' as opposed to loved. It's very strange, quite hard to explain which is why I sound about 5 years old!

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lisaro Wed 07-Dec-11 16:43:57

It sounds pretty crap, but please, please do open your eyes to the whole pic. Good luck.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 16:45:27

Thank you lisaro I realise how I'm sounding here and I would tell myself the same thing...maybe I need to have a good think!

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lisaro Wed 07-Dec-11 17:00:14

I'm glad you realise I'm not sniping at you. I've seen something that sounds very similar, that's why I'm being blunt. I really do wish you well.

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 17:39:07

Thank you! smile

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TryingNotToLoseMyTemper Wed 07-Dec-11 21:39:23

Gawd, newbie, that sounds like a horrible situation. How do you bear it?

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newbiedoobiedoo Wed 07-Dec-11 22:08:44

By ignoring it mostly! Don't know what that makes me but I've been trying to make this happen for 8 years and either sd hates me or dh and I argue or mil falls out with me, him or both! Writing it down it looks so much worse than I realised! sad

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newbiedoobiedoo Thu 08-Dec-11 17:16:25

So is the general consensus to just mind my own business then? Assuming that things don't go pear-shaped between us. It really isn't anything to do with me is it?!

No you're right, she doesn't see me as a stepmother and really, I'm not much of one because we're just not around her enough for me to be anything important to her.

MIL is very harsh. She can be the best in the world as long as everything is going her way. She never says sorry, never feels like she's doing anything wrong, phones SD to give out about DH, tells us she doesn't feel like a grandmother to our children then says she'll dump them so as not to upset SD (my youngest is a year old!!) And she's expecting us to phone tonight and she'll play happy families and say she loves them more than anything and loves her son more than anything and loves being friends with me...then she'll phone ex and tell her everything!

It would be so much healthier for me to just back off but they'll keep asking me what's wrong with him, why he's not phoning, telling me SD is upset and expecting me to fix it....I will, then they'll bitch about me again! :)

As others have said maybe a monthly "update" e-mail, would be a kind gesture from you that expects nothing in return. Just to let her know the door is open if she wants or needs it. This is more than you need to do though.

I think in all honesty, as horrible as it may sound, it would be best if you didn't. Best if you did nothing and leave it. Stop having opinions on the issue. When your MIL voices her opinions do not voice one of your own and tactfully refuse to pass opinion. "I wouldn't know", "Is that right?", "Oh how are they?", "You'll have to ask him", "She is welcome anytime". But don't pass opinion. Let it go and leave it up to your DH to fix his problems and his family and focus on your own. It might be true that the SD would be happier with her SD as her real dad.

I think you've married a wrong 'un. Sorry. That's the bit you really need to deal with.

Wrt counselling, maybe it would be good. Though I think he has a lot of issues with his mother and that they are at the base of a lot of this!

I think there's a lot of good in him though, I really do. As massive as this issue is, it is just one issue if you see what I mean!

I do worry that sending her photos and emails will make it seem like I'm "rubbing it in" (which I have been accused of before). After last year MIL and SD said awful things about me all over the dreaded FB! I didn't see it as I wasn't friends with them but when we got back talking they told me all about it!

First I'd stop having any contact with MIL. I'm a little confused, but I think she skipped your wedding? Okay, that's bad, but to threaten to cut off contact with her own grandchildren over how your DH treats another grandchild? That's beneath contempt.

Then stop lying to your SD. All texts and cards are to come from you, and only you. Don't prompt your DH to buy her birthday gifts, or see her at Xmas, or anything else. If that's the sort of total arse he is, you can either put up with it or leave. But stop nagging him to be the good parent he isn't.

Keep sending cards and gifts to SD - all marked as exclusively from you, and from your DC when they're old enough to write cards to their sister. She doesn't need you now, but someday in the future she might, and she'll know you're there.

Where's your family in all this, by the way?

Don't try and force a relationship that is not naturally there. Being a biological doesn't a father, Daddy make. You don't know what's happened in the past.

I totally admire and respect your motiviations truly I do. I speak as the mother of a child who has a very difficult relationship with his father. If it is forced contact it goes belly up. If you are making stuff up pretended the messages are from the father the daughter will probably know it.

Forcing relationships is never a good idea, if they are going to work they'll work.

Sorry, I'm nearly confused myself! :)

Yes she skipped our wedding because the week before, she fell out with dh for being rude to ex (this is completely true even if it doesn't sound it!)

My family stay out of it. MIL and SD said terrible things about them when they fell out with me so they just kind of have nothing to do with each other anymore! When sd is here she's hugged, greeted, treated very well but other than that they just stay out of it! They're not happy with how I've been treated by all of them in the past but then I haven't been 100% innocent either and I'd be lying if I said I had! As in, I have a huge amount of resentment toward MIL, BIL and ex and their relationship. I'll admit it was jealousy but now I just think it's unhealthy and is affecting me and my life. But I can't ever bring it up with any of them because, again, there's be a war!

Sorry I don't think I explained that very well. I did try to explain to MIL how I felt once before.

She phone ex and I can only imagine completely twisted what I'd said. Ex then called SD to come on the phone and "grandma" was crying away to her about how badly we'd treated her! This is a teenager who most likely already had a lot of anger towards her dad and really it just went downhill over a period of time.

Now, at the moment everything is fine. But that's in large part (I would imagine) because they think dh is making attempts at communication. When I do try to speak to her as "me" I mostly likely get ignored!

Now you mention an argument with BIL and his ex?

It all sounds way too Jeremy Kyle*esque..

It doesnt surprise me that facebook came into it as well.

There is way too much backstabbing, shit stirring, and phone calling going on from everyone involved in this... and it sounds like all of you need to do a lot of growing up and act like the adults that you are meant to be.

Does your DH sees his DD as real his daughter or more like of a burden of a daughter?

He went down this path and a long time ago and along the way have built resentment up from all sides of his family. They have seen him at his worst and chose to side with SD and by default his ex. You even say you don't know all of it. He might've changed with you and your kids but he hasn't changed towards to SD. He's still the same loser who, maybe in their eyes has repeatedly rejected an innocent child. Its hard to unravel all that.

With you and your kids, he gets a new start, a "do-over", rectifying his errors. He is doing what he should've done for his DD from a birth and maybe that's why he's more loving towards them. Your family doesn't know all of his past and can more easily accept him.

And maybe how he treats his new children compared to how he treated his first child is such a stark contrast that its more hurtful to your SD and to his family. They know his capacity to love a child but instead he rejected his first born. As a result, his family has overcompensated her at the expense of your children. I am sure that while she has lots of love from her stepdad, her mother, and her grandparents, seeing her dad love one set of children more than her really is traumatizing. Its rejection at its base core.

I mean we all get upset and angry when parents, who we don't even know, kill or abuse their own children. When its your own family member, thats tough.

For your MIL, I think in this instance, your DH should engage with her for the most part. Try to stay out of it and accept that until they resolve their issues with him, you and your children will always comes last to them.

And I agree with others that you shouldn't keep up the lie of pretending to be her dad. Send her pictures of her half-siblings so that the line of communication is there whenever she wants to make contact with them or vice versa.

Did you say you have two children or did I dream that?

Please get a life.

You are too involved if you can quote what MIL said to ex about DH yahda yahda yahda.

If your SD has a good SF leave them to it.

Sounds like your DH has messed up his relationships with his family. So what. It doesn't seem to be bothering him. It doesn't seem to be bothering his family (including SD, probably too late to fix that relationship though things could change when she matures and he becomes GD but that is up to him and SD, not you).

Just let it go and concentrate on your own family.

No I didn't say BIL and ex had fought?! I was trying to paint the picture that when dh has a word with one of them they all get involved...

I didn't do it to be either arrogant or cruel I was honestly trying to make up for her dad. I suppose I feel responsible because he's here with me an our kids?

I will stop though and just continue to try to involve her in the children's lives if she wants it

Can't believe I sound Jeremy Kyle-esque! :(

My own family has had a lot to deal with this year and I think it's made me realise this situation just can't continue so I do appreciate the fact that I have definitely NOT done the right thing but I will endeavour to fix it will as little hurt as possible!

Mynewpassion I would love to say that deep down he loves them
The same but in all honesty sometimes I wonder if she is just a responsibility to him. He does love her but I don't know if he just "puts up with it" for appearances sake.

She never makes the first move to communicate so I'm sure a total break is not far. I don't blame her and I really do think she'd be better off :(

Oh and we have three together. I certainly can't quote them word for word but MIL and SD literally tell me this that's how I know!

And once again I just want to point out that I don't hold sd responsible for anything! I mention her part for background and I admire her for apologising when adults involved couldn't or wouldn't!

Just stop talking with MIL altogether. You have your own family to think of, why are you getting so worked up about his hornet's nest of a family? He's been an arse, and may be to your DC, too, should you one day split up. You know the score.

Continue to send birthday and Xmas cards and gifts (again, from you not your DH!), but don't go overboard on telling her all about your happy family and lovely DC. She may well not want to hear it. If she dumps the cards and gifts in the rubbish for the next decade, so be it. Maybe one day she won't.

I don't know why I get so worked up about it. I'm quite an insecure person I think and this is the sort of thing that just constantly plays on my mind. I'm seeing a counsellor (not about this!) but it has come up a few times. She told me to write a letter outlining my fears about her rejection of my children etc but tbh it would just be ammunition for the next time so I think you're all right and I need to just take a massive step back. I'll stop engaging but I won't be rude. I'll keep making an effort with SD but only as me and only if she welcomes it, I'm not going to shove either me or the children in her face.

As for DH well I'd like to say I'll stop talking to him about it...I will try though!

Thank you all for your advice and input. I know I sound like a Class A bitch but I don't know, just feel like I got sucked into a slippery slope! I had no idea what I was dealing with even when I was right in the middle of it! Best thing to do now is just try to wind my way back out and hope nobody is hurt in the process!

You were not being a bitch. You were misguided, but your intentions were good. Your MIL would say you were a bitch, but she'd likely say so if you were picking SD up from school every day and bringing her mittens you'd knitted and home-cooked bread. Stop trying to get your MIL, your DH's ex-w and his whole extended family to like you.

I think your children will be better off without contact with MIL. If she's mouthing off inappropriately to SD, what's she going to say to your kids about you? How you're the reason DH won't contact their sister? How you stood between the father and daughter? Heaven only knows.

I am sorry you and SD are in this situation. Your heart is in the right place but its misguided and wrong. And, you are not a bitch. No one is this situation comes up smiling like roses.

Let him be and let your MIL be. Focus on your family and your kids. Don't force him to do something that he clearly doesn't want to do. To me, it seems his family has been trying to get him to do the right thing for over 17 years and it hasn't worked. You would be just hitting a brick wall.

Your MIL is alot of work, which you should leave your DH to deal with. He might be more than happy to severe contact with them. They as well as his daughter might be reminders of his shameful actions and he would rather not re-live it again and again.

So stop trying to build bridges where none can be. You can send SD and MIL pictures and updates of the grandkids but let DH deal with his family.

Thank you for the advice, sincerely. I will take it all on board. I think you're all right and I shouldn't try to fix things that nobody else is bothered about being broken! :)

I have been in a similar situation in someways. My DH has a DD who is now 23, I have been with DH 13 years and he split from DD's mother before he knew she was pregnant.
Neither DH or EXP were parents of the year, but DH did fight to get to see DS but that was once a week and he took her to the pub on a Sunday. :(
I came on the scene and pushed him to be a father. Then of course things kicked off with EXP, threatened with court/csa etc. They were more hung up on the adult stuff than the child stuff. As such the relationship with SD suffered terribly. We relocated to another country for my work , this was during the period of not being allowed to see DD ( 2 years).
I then became pregnant and insisted SD was part of our life, she has slowly became part of our life. Her brother ( DS) loves her like crazy , yet I still have to push DH to maintain contact weekly. I used to do like OP, send texts as him, FB etc. But then I realised that this suited DH loads as he didn't need to do it!
Whilst I have a great relationship with SD I no longer initiate contact on behalf of her Dad, as it meant he could relinquish his parental duties.

I think you need to step back and allow the relationship between SD and your DH to happen. As for MIL , just stay away as she sounds poisonous !

jen thank you so much for posting! Can I ask how things got between your dh and sd when you left it alone?!

They slowly improved, it helped as she grew more maturer. We had a frank conversation last year where she told me DH was a shit Dad to her but she could see that he was a good Dad to DS and that meant a lot too her. I think she understood that some of it was the situation and a lot of it was the adults.
I also encouraged them to spend time together alone, as probably like you I would have been keen to fill those awkward silences when sometimes they need to happen to force people to either think or talk.
You can't fix anything here they have to do it themselves, also if your Dh is like mine he would gladly step back.
Even now at times I would prompt DH to make arrangements for SD's travel arrangement's as he would gladly have everything done for him......
I would be in touch with SD regularly but every now and then I have to back off as I said it suits DH for me to take care of things.

As hard as it is you need to take a step back as you can't change this situation yourself, and there already too many people in the mix.

I'm glad to hear it worked out for them jen but I don't think the same will happen here. People think if I step back it will force him to act but the only reason I did it in the first place is because he wasn't. I mean he literally would just never, ever phone her.

Anyway, it is what it is and I'm not going to try to fix it anymore. I think you're all right about MIL. If she wants to cut off her own son and grandchildren well then she's not worth having in our lives anyway!

I just need to figure out how to be ok with knowing he has a daughter that we have nothing to do with! (I say this because she won't speak to me when she gets upset with him, which I can actually understand, so this will really be the end of things with his whole family)