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Original poster

At what age do you think its 'socially acceptable' to have kids?

119 replies

Sparklesandglitter · 10/12/2011 12:45

Maybe not in the right forum but...
Nearly 30 has suddenly crept up on me and I have started thinking, at what age does "oh my god xxx is pregnant, I wonder what she will do?" turn in to "oh my god xxx is pregnant its so exciting!!!" is it an age thing, or if somebody has been in a relationship for 4years and is trying for a baby but is 18 is that ok given some people aged 30 have been together for 2years may start trying?
I don't know I'm just trying to work out, given most of my peers have multiple children, some at secondary school, some married, some divorced. At what age do you think it's "socially acceptable"?? (maybe I'm just feeling old and left behind!!lol)

OP posts:
fluffy123 · 10/12/2011 16:43

I had ds1 at 19 23 years ago (I took my A levels 6 months pregnant and went to university the same month my son started school) and it definitely wasn't socially acceptable then. In fact only 1 person said 'congratulations' to me and the lady who did my scan asked if I was putting my baby up for adoption. I would now say between 25 and 40. Although 20 years ago I would have said 25 and 32. There has been such a massive change in the ages women have their children or even have them at all over the last 10 years.

FellatioNelson · 10/12/2011 16:47

I'm not so sure about that aubergine. I don't think many people could care less to be honest, if a professional woman in her 30's with a secure home and income chose to have a child and raise it alone. They may prefer the child to have two full-time parents, they may think it is easier for the mother, and more beneficial to the child, but so long as she was funding her choices herself, or both parents were funding it, then I doubt many people could care either way.

GoingForGoalWeight · 19/12/2011 23:24

I'd love to have my 2nd baby in 2013, i will be 39 - fingers crossed :)

LemonDifficult · 19/12/2011 23:38

Socially acceptable round my way: mid twenties if settled in stable life and relationship then, otherwise late twenties to late thirties.

I've no interest in judging anyone over 4o-something having IVF but I know someone who did and boy, were people judging about that. I was surprised at the judginess tbh, so maybe that's not (yet) socially acceptable amongst some of my circle.

GoingForGoalWeight · 19/12/2011 23:41

Not bothered by socially acceptable - strange ...:)

Dragonwoman · 20/12/2011 01:19

I would say that a first-time mum over 40 will be assumed to have had IVF by most people, especially if they have twins. Not unacceptable as such, but maybe a little judgy?
Mothers who already have children seem less judged for being over 40 somehow & I wonder whether they don't risk the 'left it too late' comments the same.
I have never met anyone who concieved naturally after the age of 46, but my midwife did tell me she delivered a baby from a woman of 51. Natural conception at 50 not IVF! Lady thought she was entering the menopause only to be told she was pregnant. Must be very rare though.

ninedragons · 20/12/2011 06:31

I was a subject in a PhD student's project when I was pregnant (aged 39, completely normal for my area). She had to come for miles on the train from a distant and economically deprived suburb, and I asked her why she didn't do her study at the local hospital out there. She said it was because you had to be over 18 to consent to being in the study, and in that hospital, there weren't enough pregnant women over 18!

So it depends very much on where you are. I've been to places where I can only imagine people think I'm the granny pushing the pram. Equally, where I live, anyone under about 33 with a baby would be assumed to be the nanny.

BigHairyGruffalo · 20/12/2011 09:16

As someone said futher up the thread, I don't think it is age or even being a lone parent, it is all about when you can fund it yourself. It is unlikely that a 16 year old you could become a parent without relying on benefits, but if she can, good for her!

nativitywreck · 20/12/2011 09:37

"There is n approximately two week period in a woman's life when it moves from 'you're too young to have a baby, you're ruining your life, how irresponsible' to 'the right time'.

Straight after that, you move into 'you've left it too late, you focussed on your career, you were too selfish, tick tock tick tock'.

unfortunately, no one can tell you when exactly those two weeks are...."

tigermoll It's funny cos it's true!

I think socially acceptable does depend greatly on your circumstances. And what your friends are doing.

My nana had her first child at 38. And her last at 46. But she was just cool Grin

marriedandwreathedinholly · 20/12/2011 10:31

A very elderly gynaecologist told me when I was about 26 that if I wanted children I should get a move on because my reproductive system would only decline from that point on. He then gave me a little talk about the ladies he saw in their 30's who were having terrible problems trying to conceive and how it would have been easier if they had started earlier. I had just split up from a long term relationship and left his office in tears but I did manage to tell him that I wouldn't consider starting a family until I had found the right man.

Had my first baby at 35. Had five pgs and conceived first time every time but just couldn't keep them in there and so have two children.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 20/12/2011 10:32

And what I meant to say was there is no right or wrong age but it helps to have the right man for their father and to be relatively secure. I think a planned child has a better chance of a stable childhoold.

comedaygoday · 20/12/2011 10:40

I had my first at 35, my second at 37 and am currently 39 and 7 months pregnant with no. 3. All my friends and work colleagues had their children in their 30s and 40s so I just thought this was normal and was quite surprised when I had had DS 1 to find myself an older mum compared to others at toddler groups.

Thirties was the right age for me to have children. I didn't meet DH until I was 32 and in my twenties I was doing my PhD and trying to get established in my career. My SIL had her children in her early 20s and is quite rude about older mums, probably because of ignorance / different life experiences.

FizzyMoonDust · 20/12/2011 10:49

Whenever your life is secure enough to support children both emotionally and financially.

coffeesleeve · 20/12/2011 11:23

I'm 34 and I'm totally not ready yet Grin

(FWIW, I came to MN for the relationships board & stayed cos you guys are excellent!)

vj32 · 20/12/2011 12:41

Everyone in my area is either a teen parent or in their mid-late 30s. I had ds this year at 28 but look a lot younger. (Got given a leaflet about a young parent group for under 20s.) None of our friends have babies. But DH and I had been together 10 years. We decided we could wait years to be better off financially, but it might never happen. We have a house. We had both coped with redundancy in the last few years and knew we could manage and things work out. Bit unfortunate we would have been thousands of pounds better off if we had had him a year earlier because of all the Labour government freebies, but I agree there are people that need the money more.

miaowmix · 20/12/2011 12:44

The norm round here is at least mid-30's it seems, but there's no right or wrong time really, just depends on circumstances. I will be encouraging DD to breed in her 20's so I'm not a really ancient granny though!

cece · 20/12/2011 12:46

Interesting thread.

I remember being horrified when the first of my friends became pg - she was 29. I thought she was far too young!

I had mine at the ages of 34, 38 and 42. In my circles most of my friends had their DC after the age of 32 ish. Lots had baby's in their late 30s. In my NCT group I was not the eldest at 42 - one lady was 44.

GoingForGoalWeight · 20/12/2011 12:49

:) still do not get socially acceptable thing...there are no teenage mums here..that could be why..late 20's homeowner Mums..guess is why i do not get it.

bronze · 20/12/2011 12:52

I was just 22 when I had my first. Some people were happy for us but I did have a few are you mad, you're too young type comments.
We bought our own house when I was 20 got married when I was 21 and both worked.
So in answer to the op I think it turns somewhere around 22 (not my opnion, just above experience)i

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 12:53

I think I'd be a bit Hmm about a teenage mum because I think they aren't emotionally mature enough yet, never mind financials, living their own lives etc etc.

Fair play to 'em if they can do it and do it well.

GoingForGoalWeight · 20/12/2011 12:57

I was 23 when my Son was born. I didn't know i was pregnant, 24 weeks, 1lb 11 oz baby.

I thought i was way too young and was about to start university.

I was mature etc but wanted a life that education and a bit of extra money could have brought to me.

my son is SN and i have been sensible not to have another child for our situation but i'd love the normal experience of having a child as i have so much love and caring to give..

Having a baby at any age is scary but at least have a life first..thankfully i did

marriedandwreathedinholly · 20/12/2011 13:05

I remember when I was 26, driving down to my mother's 50th birthday party. I thought she was getting on a bit but she looked gorgeous and was the life and soul of the party. I'm now 51 and looking back I can't believe how young she was and how grown up I was. When my eldest is 26 I will be 61. I think there are advantages and disadvantages both ways.

My mother was "free" from the age of about 41 a very young woman indeed. When I was 41, my youngest had just started nursery school! If my youngest leaves home for uni at 18, I will be 57 and looking forward to retirement.

HeyNiki · 20/12/2011 13:45

aubergineinautumn

"the benefits thing is a red herring- people are discriminatory against lone parents regardless of finances.

A large proportion of the 'smug marrieds' of today will be the lone parents of the next decade so people should be mindful of where they are slinging the mud because it might just come back and hot them on the face.

The idea that the 'ideal' unit to raise a family is a heterosexual couple in a LTR is a very recent social construction, which needs to change. Consider how differently we look at cohabitees now compared to 40 years ago. Hopefully in 40 years from now we will look back and cringe that we were so judgemenatal on the lone parents of today."

You have hit the nail on the head for me there.

VikingLady · 20/12/2011 14:00

Got pregnant at 31. Did have a lot of people (in my scummy job) congratulating me and asking me if I had fertility problems though as it had taken me so long to conceive... Lovely area... Incidentally, it took me 2 months, so no. But thank you for your concern. I just wanted to wait until there was a suitable father in the offing.

But friends and family never commented on the age - I think it's fairly standard amongst academics, as they need to consolidate their career first.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 20/12/2011 14:08

I was 19 when i had dd1, and by 24 i had two more dc.

I don't remember any negative comments relly, but then xp was 20 years older than me, has his own home and ws working fulltime, so I don't think most people saw it as an issue.

Fast forward to now, I am 33 and have a 14yr old, 12yr old, and a 9yr old and i'm a single mum. It's hard but I wouldn't change my having had them when I was young at all.