To contact my Grandmother after 30 years to ask why she didn't tell me my Father had died?

[BeaHededd]

Ok this may be a long post but don't want to drip feed.
My parents split when I was 5 years old due to his infidelity. We moved back to my Mothers home town and were homeless for a while my Mum managed to buy our house which was tiny and had an outside loo so nothing flash while my Father still had the family home (bought in his parents name)
He never had any contact with myself or my Brother despite many attempts by my Mum.
When my DB was 15 and undergoing severe bullying at school he instigated contact with my Father who invited him to stay for a few weeks of the holidays with a friend. They got he train to Lincolnshire ( we are in Wales) turned up at agreed time and no one was there. They found their way to his house no answer. They rung home for the Granparents address turned up and were refused entry by our Grandmother on the basis they were strangers so had to sleep at the station til the morning train.
No explanation was ever forthcoming and no more contact for about 9 years until by a huge strike of fate I had joined the Airforce and was posted to the same town in Lincolnshire that my Father lived in and saw him in a supermarket (my DB is the image of him) so I said his name and explained who I was and that he had a Grand daughter and gave him my number.
He rang me that night and told me he had cancer and was scared of going to the hospital for his appointment in two weeks time so I agreed to get the day off work and meet him there.He never turned up or answered the phone again.
I went to my Grandmothers house and she told me that Me my Brother and my Mother were his biggest mistake and he wanted nothing to do with us.
I accepted this and just continued with my life but last year but when DS2 was born I had a pull to tell him so looked him up on the internet only to find he had died in 2007.
My Grandmother is still in the same house and same phone number (friend in area)
So do I write and express disappointment at not being told as we are his only children or just leave it?
Sorry for length of post but wanted to give all information.

Sorry - I don't mean to sound insensitive. It's obvious that inheriting was the last thing on your mind. I hope you find some peace in yourself about your dad and his family.

slavetofilofax I am under no illusion that they would have been his dying words and I am not even sure myself as to what writing to her would achieve I suppose I was hoping for a slight pricking of her conciencse.

Hassledge
Sadly what you have just said would make sense.
I do know that the main reason they disapproved of my DM was her poor background and when my DB did turn uo she just said "I have no Money in the house"
So sad that they would even think that is what he wanted he just wanted an escape from the bullies who eventually drove his only friend to take his own life

That's completely understandable, and it's good that you have identified that something you really want is just to prick her concience. I know in your position I would probably want to make her feel shit, and scream in her face about the heartache that she and her son had caused. The problem is, that making her feel bad is unlikely to make you feel better, and you feeling better is all that really matters in this.

If you did jolt her into feeling even slightly guilty, you would probably never get to find out about it. She would be likely to mask those feelings and try to justify her actions, if you even got a reply from her.

If she did show you that she felt guilty, how would that make you feel?

If she doesn't acknowledge you, or she does but behaves as unkindly as she did before, how do you think you might feel then?

Do you think you have anything to gain from contacting her that will help you move on?

slave if I may shorten your name
You are right and I have written several letters in my mind every morning on the way to work.
One being something very nice along the lines of even pretending that she couldn't have known where we were and how awful it must have been for her to lose her only child.
And if she wished then she could get to know her two amazing Granddaughters.
But you are right no matter what I do I will never get the outcome or answers I need so I will endeavour to just get over it and focus on all the positives such as being blessed with THE most amazing Mother in the whole world.

Nope. I'd leave it, she sounds like a peice of work. What will you gain from being rejected again. i am sorry about your DF and your grandmother.

Your Mum sounds like an amazing, and very strong woman.

slave
My Mum is the most amazing woman she worked two jobs to make sure we were fed and clothed. We were poor but happy ( a common phrase but true) and after DD1 was born and my husband left she gave up her job and moved from her home town to look after her while I continued my career in the R.A.F and as I write this I know that I had all the parent I needed.

I would also like to add a thankyou to those that have read this so far.

i

Oh Bea, I'm so sorry love

Bea can I add my sympathy too. This is such a sad story. I don't know how family can reject their own children and grandchildren. You have been so lucky to have a fabulous mum who has brought you up and is still there for you though. She must be so proud of you.

I don't think I would write. The way you and your DB have been treated by your "grandmother" is so awful that further contact seems pointless. It will just get your hopes up for a kind word from her- which isn't going to happen.

The thing is OP - you just don't know what your father told his mother about the break up between himself and your mother. He might have fed her a whole pack of half truths/lies.

Then again, your grandmother does sound quite controlling.

I can sort of see why she's defensive about money, you yourself said your mother came from a poorer background and if grandmother is wealthy she is automatically going to be suspicious about relatives suddenly appearing.

You want to write her a letter? Well why don't you? if it clears your mind. No one says you have to actually post it to her. Its quite cathartic to get it all down on paper.

But if you do seriously want to write to her then you cannot be judgemental because you just don't know the whole story. You don't know what lines she has been fed by your father - and he was her child and she will be defensive of him.

Do you know if your father was an only child? or are there siblings who might be a better bet to make first point of contact with? I understand that there is always a natural curiosity to delve into your past/background. But rarely does it bode well.

Sorry - just re-read, your father was an only child.

That does put a different slant on it.

Write to her. Don't ask anything. I would send pictures of your children and let her know that she's alone but there is still family out there.

I know it's unsavoury, but you and your brother would be her sole heirs.

Is there a grandfather in this scenario?

Write the letter, to get your hurt and anger off your chest. Then burn it. I'm sorry both your father and grandmother have been so indifferent to you and your brother, they clearly didn't deserve you. They both sound absolutely awful, frankly.

You hope to prick her conscience, but it doesn't sound much like she's got one if she can allow a 15 year old to travel across the country to car him at the door. She may even enjoy your distress if you write to her.

Write two letters - one which says all the things you want to say to her but wouldn't ordinarily do out of politeness. Burn this one. Then write another which is bland, says you are sorry to hear that he dies and saying that should she ever want a relationship with your DDs on an level she can contact you. Enclose a photo.

Then shut the door on this and live your life as you have been living, safe in the knowledge that you have done the right thing.

Perhaps look into the will scenario but I wonder if it is too late for that - I'm not sure what the time limits are. I also wonder if there is some way of keeping an eye on the grandmother to see when she dies whether there is a will - if you want to, obviously.

Bead I would try hard not to demonise your father's mother, I suspect she was acting out the wishes of her son, he has ample opportunity to have a good relationship with you. When he died you were probably the last people on her mind. YES, the decent thing to do would have been to tell you. She had made her own decision to de-exist you (not a word I know!) so wouldn't have thought to get in touch.

I am truly sorry that a few of those who should have loved and nurtured you haven't made the effort.

I wouldn't get in touch personally it would achieve very little. Concentrate on your loved ones and your happiness. Although I do think soupdragon gives good advice if you feel you need to get in touch.

My Uncle has disowned my mum for little reason, when my Uncle dies, his wife will not get in touch to tell her, we know this, though its never been said. Some people just refuse to think of others whether they're mothers, brothers, fathers or sisters etc., x

Bea, so sorry this has happened to you.

I would write a letter to her, knowing it won't receive an answer, telling her everything from your point of view. How your brother was bullied and wanted only some contact with his dad, how you were going to meet your dad at the hospital, how you felt when you bumped into him at the supermarket, how wonderful your children are. Get it out and down on paper.

Then burn it.

My dh's dad is strangely estranged; there are occasional phone calls, birthday or xmas cards intermittently, expressed desires to meet his gd - his only gc - but they all come to nothing. Dh is hurt over and over again. Now dd is too. I think dh has found the strength to cut his dad off because dd has been made so hopeful and come crashing down. Dh's dad is just a weak and selfish man, who suffers from the odd prick of conscience which makes him phone or write every few years, raising everyone's hopes; he's too cowardly to actually see dh, and now dd too, face to face.

I think your dad was similar. When confronted with his responsibilities he plays along until he can run away, which he does very fast, simply by not turning up. His mother does the same but her way of evading it is to be mean and hard.

Get it out of your system and then forget the pair of them. Mind you, nothing wrong with checkingmthe will - might as well see if you can get something from the old bugger, think of it as compensation.

My dh's dad is strangely estranged; there are occasional phone calls, birthday or xmas cards intermittently, expressed desires to meet his gd - his only gc - but they all come to nothing. Dh is hurt over and over again. Now dd is too. I think dh has found the strength to cut his dad off because dd has been made so hopeful and come crashing down. Dh's dad is just a weak and selfish man, who suffers from the odd prick of conscience which makes him phone or write every few years, raising everyone's hopes; he's too cowardly to actually see dh, and now dd too, face to face.

This is exactly what my father is like and why I have nothing to do with him. Bad enough him hurting me and my brothers; I'll be fucked if I'm going to let him do it to my children too.

An incredibly sad story. Both your gran and your dad sound like pretty unpleasant people. Thank god for your lovely mum.

I wouldn't bother writing to her, but that's just me. I'm not sure what would be gained by it. I would wonder about his money - if he had cancer he probably knew he was going to die and probably made a will leaving everything, I would guess, to his parents (unless he had other family you didn't know about?)

Thank you to all who took the time to read this thread and give very sound advice.
I have written a Christmas card and enclosed a photograph of my girls with a short note saying that I had heard of my Fathers passing and hoped she was keeping well.
I decided that venting my spleen at an old lady no matter how badly she may have behaved would not do any of us any good.
I will just wait now and if I get no reply then my life will not have altered in any way but I have held out the olive branch.
I will speak to my Brother about the Will situation but he is like me in the respect that money although badly needed for us would probably feel a bit tainted if he never wanted us to have it.

Good on you for being the grown up in a bad situation! I hope this gives you some peace and you enjoy your xmas x

well done you - great card

Well done. Have a lovely Xmas.

Have just spoken to my Brother and he is in agreement with me about the whole will thing.
Luckily my wonderful Mum instilled in us both a strong moral compass and even if he did die without a will, if he had wanted us to inherit he would have written one.
As some of you may remember I am currently homeless and the money if there were any would make a huge difference but we wouldn't want to go through court hearings and the like to get something that was begrudged.
But thank you to those that posted links and the such like