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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my Grandmother after 30 years to ask why she didn't tell me my Father had died?

52 replies

BeaHededd · 09/12/2011 22:27

Ok this may be a long post but don't want to drip feed.
My parents split when I was 5 years old due to his infidelity. We moved back to my Mothers home town and were homeless for a while my Mum managed to buy our house which was tiny and had an outside loo so nothing flash while my Father still had the family home (bought in his parents name)
He never had any contact with myself or my Brother despite many attempts by my Mum.
When my DB was 15 and undergoing severe bullying at school he instigated contact with my Father who invited him to stay for a few weeks of the holidays with a friend. They got he train to Lincolnshire ( we are in Wales) turned up at agreed time and no one was there. They found their way to his house no answer. They rung home for the Granparents address turned up and were refused entry by our Grandmother on the basis they were strangers so had to sleep at the station til the morning train.
No explanation was ever forthcoming and no more contact for about 9 years until by a huge strike of fate I had joined the Airforce and was posted to the same town in Lincolnshire that my Father lived in and saw him in a supermarket (my DB is the image of him) so I said his name and explained who I was and that he had a Grand daughter and gave him my number.
He rang me that night and told me he had cancer and was scared of going to the hospital for his appointment in two weeks time so I agreed to get the day off work and meet him there.He never turned up or answered the phone again.
I went to my Grandmothers house and she told me that Me my Brother and my Mother were his biggest mistake and he wanted nothing to do with us.
I accepted this and just continued with my life but last year but when DS2 was born I had a pull to tell him so looked him up on the internet only to find he had died in 2007.
My Grandmother is still in the same house and same phone number (friend in area)
So do I write and express disappointment at not being told as we are his only children or just leave it?
Sorry for length of post but wanted to give all information.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeaHededd · 09/12/2011 22:28

Just realised it wouldn't be thirty years after seeing her briefly in 2002 sorry.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/12/2011 22:30

What do you think you will gain by writing to her?

Sirzy · 09/12/2011 22:32

I can understand your disappointment but I also understand why after so long with no relationship she didn't contact you. When her son had just died she probably wasn't in the most rational thinking state anyway!

dontletthebellsend · 09/12/2011 22:32

She won't care if you are disappointed. You can't make her like you or be interested in you. She sounds like someone you are better off without.

Kayano · 09/12/2011 22:32

I wouldn't bother to be honest she sounds
Like a heartless bitch.

And I'm sorry you must have been shocked to find out about your dad but IMO he was no dad at all but a
Sperm doner.

It's sounds like a truly horrible situation but I think the only person who will be hurt and disappointed is you and I don't want that to happen to you Sad

Slambang · 09/12/2011 22:33

I can't imagine that anything you would say to her will change her into a nice caring person (or an ashamed remorseful one) so what would you benefit from telling her?

MrsTwinks · 09/12/2011 22:33

As his only children surely you shuld have inherited any estate unless he left a will? how did you not know??

YANBU but not sure where it will get you. My father is still livid that it took me and my brother (he lives abroad) searching hosiptals for a day to find out my gran had been dragged from her home by police to be sectioned (v v advanced alzhemiers). she had hidden it from dad on the phone and her sister who lived down the road not only never told us, she told social services dad wanted nothing to do with his mum.

Point is no matter what you do or say it won't make a blind difference to her, or her attitude. That said I would investigate if there was a will. Not being militant but with the seeming attitude compared to his I would be curious.

squeakytoy · 09/12/2011 22:33

I think it would probably be best to leave it. His mother sounds like a very cold and distant woman, so I doubt contacting her will be of any benefit to you, and could just be more upsetting.

It must be really really awful to have been rejected like that, and I can understand the need for some sort of "closure", but I dunno, I just think it could bring more anguish.

Original poster
BeaHededd · 09/12/2011 22:34

Thank you for replying and reading my huge post.
I am not sure but I feel that we in some way deserved to know and have toyed with the idea of just writing and saying "Sorry to hear T had passed away and if we had known we would have attended his funeral" I just sort of want her to know we know. Irrational maybe but I just can't get it out of my head.

OP posts:
IReallyHateMyCat · 09/12/2011 22:34

Do it if it will make you feel better, but don't expect that it will.

Sorry for your loss.

LizzieMo · 09/12/2011 22:35

I don't think she will bother to reply tbh. If she cold heartedly told you to your face that you were considered a mistake, then she is hardly full of Grand -maternal feelings.

IReallyHateMyCat · 09/12/2011 22:35

*if you think it might make you feel better

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 09/12/2011 22:37

I think, maybe, you are hoping for some kind of understanding from her which I doubt you will get. Sad

redwineformethanks · 09/12/2011 22:38

What a sad story. Not sure that contacting her will bring the result you seek. My instinct would that you'll get no apology from her. Up to you if you think it's worth trying to get in touch to see if she wishes to meet you and your family.

Original poster
BeaHededd · 09/12/2011 22:38

Thank you for the replies and you are right having spoken to some mutual friends ( my Mum never bad mouthed him or them) I think she may have Mental health issues so it would get us nowhere.
As for the will issue I can't see as he never paid towards us he would have made any provision.

OP posts:
MrsTwinks · 09/12/2011 22:41

Bea, it was more do you think he made one at all. Also I'm pretty sure you and your DB would count legally as next of kin anyway. My uncle was terminal for 2 years and never wanted to realise and make a valid will. Just where my brain goes as we've had issues with family over it all.

Original poster
BeaHededd · 09/12/2011 22:46

*MrsTwinks I wouldn't even know how to go about finding stuff like that out.
He was an only child from only child parents so we don't even have any inside information. To be honest I am not even sure why this has got to me so much but I just feel as though we ought to have been given the chance to say goodbye even if we were "mistakes"
We were his only ones.

OP posts:
redwineformethanks · 09/12/2011 22:48

If you could find out where he was buried / cremated, you could still go along and pay your respects, or plant a tree in his memory.

You can't help it if family don't wish to be in touch with you. Each year, I send Christmas cards to DH's family in the hope that one day they might like some contact with us. That way my conscience is clear and the ball is in their court

Original poster
BeaHededd · 09/12/2011 22:54

I have tried to find out where he was for want of a better phrase "laid to rest" but the lack of extended family has made it impossible.
I know I should just let it go but for some reason I just can't get over the fact that she knew where my Mum lived (never moved again) and never let us know, even after the grieving period we are talking four years.

OP posts:
PotterWatch · 09/12/2011 22:58

Your feelings are completely understandable but I think your 'Grandmother' wouldn't give a shit about a letter from you. She has shown herself to be a heartless bitch.

If it makes you feel better, write it and don't post it and try and forget about her and that side of the family.

I haven't seen my 'mother' since I was 4 years old. I would also be unhappy if something happened to her and I wasn't told, but mainly because I want to go to the funeral and make everyone that she knows aware of my existance as she clearly has tried to scrub me out of her life completely.

zipzap · 09/12/2011 23:00

sorry to hear about your dad Sad
sounds like his mum (hesitate to call her your gran given her behaviour!) was determined to keep you and your mum and brother out of his life, if she hadn't been around it sounds like he would have liked to see you and your brother.

There was something on another thread fairly recently that was talking about getting hold of somebody's will - rummage through this thread and there should be a link to where you pay £6 to get a copy of the will and probate...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1343915-to-want-to-know-whats-in-XH-fathers-dec-will

think you count as his next of kin if he did die intestate - and also for his mum when she dies if she hasn't made a will! Do you know if he had any brothers or sisters or if your dad then went on to have any other children?

Good luck getting it sorted out in your mind in a way that brings you some peace. And yes, you should have been told - it's a two way street being a parent; just because you don't want to give out info (or somebody else dictates that for you) doesn't mean that you don't have a right to that info!

slavetofilofax · 09/12/2011 23:02

You are looking for the answers to questions that sadly are unlikely to ever be answered.

Think about every possible outcome there could be from contacting this woman, and think about how you would feel after each one of them. I fear that unless she tells you that your Fathers dying words were expressing regret for not knowing you, then you will remain dissapointed.

You need councelling to enable you to live with the feelings you have about this. The answers you need, as well as the closure and the peace you need are within you, but you might just need some help to get to them.

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 09/12/2011 23:03

I had a very similar situation. I was told that my father had died a couple of weeks after his funeral. They "didn't think" to tell us. I was 15. I've spoken to my aunt about it, who, although lovely, can't give me the answers I need. I wish I hadn't bothered asking, to be honest. I'd rather assume they were awful people than know they were OK and just didn't care. Does that make sense?

Hassledge · 09/12/2011 23:03

She probably hasn't told you because you're the next of kin (child trumps parents, assuming there isn't a will to contradict that) and for some reason it would stick in her throat to see you inherit anything. Link to Probate Service - might be useful

iheartdusty · 09/12/2011 23:08

you can search the Probate registry to see if someone left a will
here

if no will, you are probably next of kin and would be likely to inherit if he had anything.