To think that in my experience and from threads on here,that on the whole men are more acepting step parents than women?

[ledkr]

I thought it for a little while now. I was raised by a step father who was very kind and took his role seriously,I am remarried and dh didnt think twice about taking on dd and is very supportive of my grown up sons too.
On the other hand some of my closest friends have married men who have children with a previous partner and seem very bitchy about them and give their partners a hard time if they want to spend time or money on them.
My exh partner tried to lay down the law about when he could and couldnt see our children but fortunatley he told her to bog off.
A friend of dh has just had her dd's father tell her he doesnt want to see her anymore as its causing trouble in his "new family" his wife doesnt like him seeing his dd apparently.
Am i just unfortunate to have had these experiences? Im sure there are many great step mums out there,maybe we dont hear about it enough.Speak up ladies,change my mind.

It works well if you have an understanding ex who is grateful that their DC is loved and wanted in the other home.

Ledkr I think it's pretty obvious - people tend to post on forums like this when there is a problem so it can seem as though there are always problems when in real life you would get a more balanced view. Also, as you have pointed out more women post here and more Mums as opposed to step Mums. You could say the same about relationships - people post some pretty horrific stories in there and you don't get people posting about how happy they are and how well it's all going as often but it doesn't mean that all relationships are like that in real life.

On a support thread you will get people seeking support generally speaking.

I can assure you I am calm just really surprised that someone could make the assumptions you have made from such a narrow base of experiences but hey, we are all different and entitled to our opinions. Each to their own and all that

I dont agree OP

There is an extremely high expectation on women to be "mothers" and to love stepchildren but not such a high one on men with stepchildren. IMO

zest My experiences are far from narrow,i am happy to share but maybe privately.
I dont see aibu as a support thread tbh,if you have a look i am quite well known for offering great support to posters on the support threads and very rarely post on aibu.The question came up when dh told me the sad story of his friends ex saying he no longer wanted to see his dd and i did hit a nerve with me.
I posted on here to see what people generally thought about it and didnt intend it to come across as a judgement rather a question to gauge other peoples opinions.I could only really comment on my own experiences as a divorced Mother and observations i had from friends as i had no experience of the other side (although later remembered how fab my step Mum was to me when i needed it)
Lots of thoughtfull posters have now given me some knowledge of the other side of things which was really what i was hoping for.
If i had said "all step Mums are crap" I would have been wrong of course.

Sorry i think i misunbderstood about the "support thread"comment.
Yes you are right we only see the bad stories here. Good point.

Oh seriously OP, you must see it is nonsense to form an overall opinion on whether stepmums are usually meanies and stepdads are usually lovelies on this level of evidence?

My father had red hair. The father of my kids has red hair. I conclude most dads have red hair.

Um that really isnt the best way of illustrating that point.I really dont know what your comparison is there duvet

have you read the whole thread? There was evidence which actually suggested it was true.

The people who said it was not a fair assumption did so by using there own experiences which were the opposite of mine.What is the difference?

Are you disagreeing with me formed on your own experiences and opinions or have you carried out extensive research on the subject?

I think most opinions on threads started on here are done so from peoples life experiences and not after doing huge social studies.

My step dad was a total C*. But my step mum was lovely. I am a step mum and I have a very close relationship with DSD.

I know men who have made great step dads, and ones who've made dreadful step dads and the same for women some good and some bad.

So IMO YABVU. It varies person to person and relationship to relationship.

Hold on a minute.All of you who keep posting about your positive stories about being a step mum or having twatish step fathers,why are your experiences more vallied than mine? I am really glad so many of you are great step mums and sad about the negative experiences of step dads but youy are obviously the people i was talikng about when i said "im sure there are many good step mothers" I am being villified for basing an opinion on personal experience by others who are doing the same

Btw,i asked if in general men were more accepting of step children than women.I didnt ask "are men good step fathers and woman bad ones"
What an over reaction.

Ledkr - just a reminder - you posted in AIBU...you asked us if we thought if you were being unreasonable.

And I think you are.

If you don't like it then don't bloody post in AIBU.

FGS.

ledkr you were being deliberately inflammatory with your OP so don't do the 'what me?!' crap now.

Lets dissect the 'archives of shocking posts made by step mothers" and compare those with posts made by mothers about the frustration toward their own children.

I think you are probably right - my Step mother was a witch (who actually told me on a family holiday that my mother had an abortion before I was born when my mother clearly hadn't ever meant me to know)... my Step father was a bit crap, but I at least felt he was almost equally crap to me AND his own kids.

I think i would make a shitty step mother. I find it very hard to even like other people's kids, let alone love them. My OH on the other hand, would be a great step Dad.

After reading this thread i'm grateful.
Grateful that all the stepkids and step-parents in my family have a very good relationship.

Step mums post on MN - usually - when they are the end of their teather (sp?). There are some people (men and women) who clearly struggle with separating their feelings for their stepchilds mother/father from their feelings for the child and I agree that is unfair on the child, but this is human and I'd say to all the judges here, that until you've walked a mile in their shoes, you really don't have any right to judge.

This kind of OP irritates the hell out of me - it is so bloody easy to make sweeping judgements.

'shocking posts' my arse.

Rarely post in AIBU anymore but after another week of abuse from DH exw and yet more tears from DH and DSS brothers, aka my children who are half siblings, wondering why DH Ex hates them and wont let them see thier brother (dss told them this btw) and why they cant see him on his birthday as he doesnt want to I am in the mood to fight.

Ledkr dont post in AIBU then wonder why people say "YABU". That is the point. You DID make a sweeping generalisation, requested that people prove you wrong then whined like a disenfranchised lib-dem after a Euro conference when lots of people did just that.

Being a step mum is hard. One of the many reasons is this. From the moment a man enters a mothers life, she expects him to be part of her childrens lives, treat them well according to her rules and come as part of a package. From the moment a woman enters a fathers she is expected to back off, not interfere, maintain the mothers boundaries and wishes and generally manouvre a political minefield. If a man wants to go to his partners childrens sports day, he is considered a loving step father and isnt he a hero for being so involved. If a woman does she is an interfering bitch who wants to replace his REAL mother and how dare she. If a man buys his step child things he is a star, if a woman does she is trying to buy the child or suggest the mother isnt good enough.

Yes in many cases there are women who struggle with step parenting and behave badly but in just as many there are ex wives who physically cannot bear their children having involvement with another woman and make life hell as a result.

My personal favourite is the women who regularly wonder why their children come home from contact visits and inform them that their step mothers are evil to them, then go on to detail why their step mothers are so evil, often times the root being that THEY hate the new partner and their children have a lovely time there but are too scared to tell the truth.

Being a step mother can be so lovely, but it also fucking sucks frankly and your job is to put up, shut up and take whatever shit everyone else wants to dish out so yes we get fed up and rant. I NEVER thought it would be this hard and spent much time talking about how I would do things this way and that. In much the same way I thought I would NEVER let my child watch lots of tv or eat chocolate. The best parents are people who have never had kids and the same stands for people who arent step parents.

Rant over.

What prettyfly said, a hundred times over.

Applauds prettyfly

Thanks Teens. In my experience one who isnt happy herself. One who is deeply insecure and angry at how her own life looks and see's her child as an extension of herself, rather then an individual in their own right. In much the same way as it is easy to become a shit step parent when you are miserable and struggling, I am guessing it is the same for a parent who deliberately seperates the bond between father and son rather then accept another woman into their life.

I agree