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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that in my experience and from threads on here,that on the whole men are more acepting step parents than women?

105 replies

ledkr · 09/12/2011 17:26

I thought it for a little while now. I was raised by a step father who was very kind and took his role seriously,I am remarried and dh didnt think twice about taking on dd and is very supportive of my grown up sons too.
On the other hand some of my closest friends have married men who have children with a previous partner and seem very bitchy about them and give their partners a hard time if they want to spend time or money on them.
My exh partner tried to lay down the law about when he could and couldnt see our children but fortunatley he told her to bog off.
A friend of dh has just had her dd's father tell her he doesnt want to see her anymore as its causing trouble in his "new family" his wife doesnt like him seeing his dd apparently.
Am i just unfortunate to have had these experiences? Im sure there are many great step mums out there,maybe we dont hear about it enough.Speak up ladies,change my mind.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 07:39

Ok we can't help who we fall in love with but we can help who we choose to get involved with.

This to me is the key-if you fall in love with a person with DCs you get the DCs too and if you can't accept them you walk away. I am an adult, I can cope with heartbreak, but I wouldn't have my DS in a home where someone puts up with him because they have to-he has to be in a home where both parents have him as a central part. As we now have two more DCs we are a family of 5 ,and my DH has 3 DCs, we are not a family of 4 with an extra. My DH never refers to him as 'my stepson' he always say 'our eldest son'. His family also treat all 3 equally.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 10/12/2011 07:40

I think its about how they step parent approaches the child. My kids have a stepdad and a stepmum and I think all parties would agree the stepmum approached matters very very wrongly from the start.

She tried to buy the kids affection with toys and clothes and makeup and insisted they call her 'mum' my eldest was 5 at the time and gave the smart arsed response of "but I didn't come out of your tummy, your not my mum!" And their relationship was shot to shit from there on in.

My DP on the other hand has come into our lives with a really chilled out attitude, he hasn't forced anything and let the relationship build in an organic manner. Recently my eldest took to calling him 'dad' and he pulled them up on it, sat them down and talked for well over an hour about being a parent and a step parent and the difference between the 2. I left them to it because its not something I know about but truth be told they have been so close as a result its lovely.

So in response to the op I agree. But purely because the kids step mum is ever so slightly nuts :o

exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 07:50

I agree-it is the approach that matters. Rule 1 is don't rush in, if you are there for life you can take it slowly. Rule 2 is build up your own relationship that has nothing to do with DP, spend time alone together, go out together and do fun things together (they don't have to cost money).

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 10/12/2011 07:59

Oh someone earlier mentioned Christmas. This is my one area where I go into "psycho ex" mode. The way I see it is this is the kids home, this is where they spend all but a few weeks of the year. It is me and dp who do the bulk of the parenting and as such. Yes we should get priority over the fun times like Xmas and birthdays and I will strongly disagree with anyone who suggests otherwise.

exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 08:09

I think that with Christmas and fun times you put the DCs first and forget about yourselves.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 10/12/2011 08:13

I agree, but only because the dc want to spend it here

Luminescence · 10/12/2011 08:18

All stepmothers are getting their stepchildren to clean their house while they go to the ball, or getting them to eat poison apples. FACT.

teenswhodhavethem · 10/12/2011 08:25

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exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 08:30

Only an insecure ex-I would have thought it was much better to have a step mother who loves your DCs. I spent 2 yrs with a man with a DD. It took months for me to be accepted, but I took it at her pace. We were then friends. He mother actually phoned me up to thank me on one occasion because I had spent a day doing crafty things that she hated doing. I admit that if you have a toxic, insecure ex, more concerned about herself than the good of the DC, then it might be more difficult.

Youllbewaiting · 10/12/2011 08:30

I'm a single-father and the posts on this site have furtherd my conviction to bring a step-mother into my children's lives. There does seem a lot of resentment, and my children would always come first.

They've already got a mother.

And what does piss me off a bit, if we'd had the normal every-other-weekend type contact (we don't) my ex's new partner would spend 12 nights a fortnight with my children and I would spend 2 nights.

So it's not surprising if step-dads have different relationships than step-mums.

Youllbewaiting · 10/12/2011 08:31

That should be 'not bring a step-mother into the children's lives'

teenswhodhavethem · 10/12/2011 08:52

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Youllbewaiting · 10/12/2011 09:05

Yes, but if they need a place to vent the resentment is there and real isn't it?

DisneyDad is a pretty annoying name as well.

teenswhodhavethem · 10/12/2011 09:14

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Original poster
ledkr · 10/12/2011 09:21

youllbe I aggree about the lack of fairness to fathers,very much.The courts do seem to be changing this slowly.
For what its worth many of my friends have children and are divorced but are desperate to get the fathers to see them more if at all. Its those men who piss me off when you hear about some guys who hardly get to see their children.
Interstingly i was told that i could be prosecuted if i stopped my ex's very erratic,infrequent contact with our children,which was distressing dd to the point of the school being concerned. However there isnt a court in the land that can insist upon a father sticking to his contact arrangements Hmm

OP posts:
hairnets · 10/12/2011 09:24

In response to OP what I would say is that if there is any truth in this it is worth considering how much more is expected of step mums on the whole.

Purely anecdotal but my partner has been very accepting of my DD and my ex and everything in between but here is the comparrison between that and me and his DD/ his ex (hopefully without sounding bitter!)

Me:
All "wife-work" to include things for both my DD and his.
Him: no wife-work
Me: All hands on care of my DD (bedtime, dressing, teeth, stories, homework etc.
Him: No hands on care of my DD (His DSD)
Me: Household money going out to his ex.
Him: Household money received from my ex.
Me: Rude and inflamatory texts, emails etc for his ex.
Him: no contact what so ever from my ex.

I could go on but you get the point. On the whole I think step mums get a worse deal tha step fdads. And lets not forget that society loaths a step mother where as society does nothing but shower step dads with praise for selflessly "taking on another man's child"

I can see how OPs perception plays out often. How ever (although I took it to be very transperent and completely insincere caviat) OP was right to say there are some excellent step mothers out there - How about everryone stops bashing them.

ConstanceNoring · 10/12/2011 09:25

The difference is, as others have said, the stepdad is generally the one living in the resident parent's household, which usually holds all the control or at least the final word over what happens with the children, an easier position to be in from the start.

Personally - and I think it's the same for many stepmothers - I did everything for my step children, from domestics to homework, shoulder to cry on to clearing up sick etc. I cared for them and thought about their needs in every aspect a mother should, but the problem was their mother resented my presence instead of being happy that there was someone there looking out for her kids. This made it very difficult for them to accept and respect me, something that they have admitted as they have grown up, "we of course could never tell mum how much we liked you". In fact they picked arguments with me so that they could have something negative to say about me to her, because they knew this was what she wanted to hear, they just wanted to please her.

Very hard when you're trying to please everyone and you feel you can do nothing right in their mother's eyes.

teenswhodhavethem · 10/12/2011 09:40

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exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 10:14

It is just as well that I didn't go ahead and become a step mother because I would have refused to stay in a box-I wouldn't have recognised boundries.I fail to see how loving a DSC is bad, it doesn't mean that you are taking it away from elsewhere. The more people who love the DC the better.

TheFestiveWife · 10/12/2011 19:58

exoticfruits I agree with your last post. I also refused to recognise the boundaries from day 1. I've been my DSD's primary carer from an early age, (because DH usually had to work and his job paid more than mine). It ended up that way because her mother was so neglectful. She used to palm DSD off on all and sundry so she could go out boozing. When she stopped bitching about me and realised she had a fullt time babysitter for DSD she pretty much just handed her over and started to be nice. She had the occasional bout of guilt where she would suddenly want more contact but it never lasted long. So it was just as well I was so hands on from the very beginning, as when DSD was here all the time I already knew all of her needs, likes and dislikes of food, friends names and where they lived etc. It made everything so much smoother when we finally got residence legally.

exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 20:06

The problem appears to me not to be the DSC but the ex partner, and generally the ex wife, so OP is generally correct. I don't see why the step mother has to stick to boundries-they make their own relationship with DSC and that has nothing to do with the birth mother, and doesn't take anything away from the birth mother.

Bonsoir · 10/12/2011 20:20

My DSSs have a stepmother (me) and a stepfather (their mother's partner). Their stepfather does absolutely nothing for them and has no meaningful relationship with them; I do masses for them and have a very meaningful relationship with them.

I do not, however, draw any conclusions as to how stepparents in general behave towards their stepchildren from our situation!

zest01 · 11/12/2011 07:53

What a ridiculous generalisation! You get good and bad Step parents (of both sexes) just the same as you get good and bad parents (of both sexes). I am both a Mum and a step Mum and (some) of my DC have both a Step Dad and a Step Mum as well. It's fine on all counts. It comes down to the commitment on all sides to making it work and the bio parents play a big part in that as well. Sometimes the priorities of the other parent or step parent may seem different and you may disagree on some things but that's not necessarily a bad thing as there are more ways than one to parent.

I find it hard to believe that people use their own experiences to generalise on such a big scale- it works well fo me but at the same time i can accept that there are some blended families that really struggle. OP is really that hard to see the bigger picture?!

Original poster
ledkr · 11/12/2011 17:30

zest calm yourself! I asked if i was correct in having assumed this from my various experiences and invited resonses.

Dont most peoples perseptions and opinions result from their own experiences?

As for seeing the bigger picture,im pretty sure with my extremely blended family i am more than able to do that.

Can i invite you to look in the archives at some of the shocking posts that have been made on here by step mothers which all helped me ask the question i did. I am aware that men are less likely to post on here too.

A lot of people have taken my question very personally and quoted themselves as shining examples as to why this isnt true.Why then is it unacceptable for me to use my experiences to question the matter?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 11/12/2011 17:40

I think that you can certainly say that mothers in particular have problems with another woman mothering their DC-and that is why they interfere and expect the step mother to keep in a 'step-mother box' and so the step mother is at a huge disadvantage-they either stick to the box and can't have free rein in their own home or they cross boundries and get in battles. I don't think that men have quite the same problem-as a generalisation.