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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask that husband and husbands relatives do not buy me christmas presents this year as I cannot reciprocate

74 replies

redbluered · 09/12/2011 11:41

Is it reasonable to ask your husband not to buy you a present as you cannot reciprocate. And also ask your husband to ask his family not to buy me a gift for the same reason.
This is not the first year I cannot reciprocate - if anything it is worse than ever this year as I am not able to buy anything at all really looking at my finances
If someone asked this of you is it a reasonable request and would you honour their preferences or is it rude?
I will not be buying my husband anything and the only thing i am thinking of purchasing is maybe a few small novelty toys for my two children (3 yrs and 18 months) so they have something to open.
or should people just shut up, receive gifts and wait for the year in the future when the person who buys the gifts stops buying the gifts because they have finally realised the great inbalance in giving and receiving because of the financial situation of the recipient (i.e. me)

OP posts:
lisad123 · 09/12/2011 11:43

I think it's fine to do that but am wondering how dh can afford to buy you something but you can't afford to buy anything or very little for the kids?

teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 11:45

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chinam · 09/12/2011 11:46

I assume your DH knows your financial situation already so he shouldn't be surprised/offended by your request. Will he be buying his own gifts for the children? I would rather tell people not to get me gifts than for them to give me one and not be able to recipricate.

Original poster
redbluered · 09/12/2011 11:46

lisad123 - financial situation is complicated. suffice it to say that i have very little money and he has money in a savings account which i have access to but dont want to access as i am not sure what he will consider to be wasteful.

ignoring this, is it "rude" to ask someone not to buy you a present and if you received such a request would you honour it (knowing that genuinely they would be much more comfortable not receiving anything)

OP posts:
Original poster
redbluered · 09/12/2011 11:48

chinam thanks for your post
on the same theme, would you ask your husband to tell his family not to buy you a gift or would you tell his family directly yourself (assuming the answer to the above question about whether or not it is "rude" is that no, it is not rude)

OP posts:
HappyCamel · 09/12/2011 11:52

I fail to understand how, if you're married, you have different financial positions. Even the vows say "everything I own is yours".

Buy small joint presents for family, maybe children only, if necessary. Look at your joint finances, agree a budget and you spend half each on each other. Could just be £5, it's the thought that counts.

alison222 · 09/12/2011 11:54

As someone on the other side of the fence here- I can afford to get presents for some of my family who cannot reciprocate and want to - its about hoping that they can have something nice at Christmas time too, and not about expecting something back. They have said it makes them feel guilty, but how could I buy for the rest of my family and then leave them out? That would make me feel guilty as they probably deserve something nice much more than any other of the people that I am buying for.

oohbabybaby · 09/12/2011 11:56

I dont think its rude to request this - you could say lets just buy for the kids but - with just over 2 weeks to go, theres a good chance that your DH's family could may well have presents in for you. Something like this I think needs to be decided in Nov or possibly earlier to avoid confusion.

Original poster
redbluered · 09/12/2011 11:58

but alison222 if you buy for someone year after year after year who cannot afford to buy you anything back can you see how the pleasure is diminished in the hands of the recipient?
I don't know, especially as in maybe 5 or 10 years time i might be able then to afford to buy something it would be such a gift to me if people would honour the "no presents" thing - otherwise it just feels more and more like you are not contributing or it is a game of one upmanship
maybe it is just me

OP posts:
lisad123 · 09/12/2011 11:58

I'm sorry but if my husband had money and I was struggling he would help! Very odd IMO, especially as children (which I'm assuming are his) are involved! Confused

nailak · 09/12/2011 11:58

maybe you could stretch to a box of biscuits per family, or toys from the pound shop for kids?

anyway if someone told me this, i would still give a gift as i dont give in order to recieve. I give what i can afford, in order to increase the bonds of family ties, and let them know i care.

for example on eid day i bought each member of my inlaws a £1book. as i couldnt afford big presents for 18 people.

lisad123 · 09/12/2011 11:59

"more joy in giving than on receiving" Wink

Original poster
redbluered · 09/12/2011 11:59

oohbabybaby how do you bring up the "if you are thinking of buying me something don't" in November with your mother in law
is that not presumptious
got i am getting myself into a cringe worthy wince situation now..... it is horrible

OP posts:
Original poster
redbluered · 09/12/2011 12:02

Lisa
it is not so much the children - happy for him to take the lead there and buy as he sees fit and whatever he buys to be from "mummy and daddy"
it is the "me" situation (without wanting to be too self obsessed but basically that is what it is - no presents for me please)

"more joy in giving than on receiving"
at what point then does the present become all about the giver if the recipient is squirming with embarrassment at not being able to "participate"

OP posts:
Marymaryalittlecontrary · 09/12/2011 12:04

Why do you have to buy gifts for his family? Do you mean he buys them gifts and you buy them gifts? Can't they just come out of 'his' money and be from both of you?
Last year I told everyone I was not buying gifts apart from siblings, parents and children. Some people stopped them to me too, others I got them from. This year I have more money do am back to buying for everyone. I don't care if they don't get for me - and actually one side of the family never buy for me even though they always receive from me.
I find it very odd when husbands and wives have separate finances. I've always gone with 'what's mine is yours' and vice versa.

alison222 · 09/12/2011 12:05

redbluered
I would like to be able to help them more. I try to buy practical presents that I know they really need but are also nice IYSIWM. It is definitely not one upmanship I would like to help them out while they are struggling. I do not expect or want anything back. Now would I expect in the future. Although I don't want to make them feel bad, I also don't want them to go without.

Original poster
redbluered · 09/12/2011 12:07

alison
i do understand you i think
but it is horrible to think someone is buying for you because they know you are "struggling"
just horrible

OP posts:
SuePurblybiltbyElves · 09/12/2011 12:07

So he buys presents for his/your children and his family? And doesn't do this with you? That is the oddest thing.

alison222 · 09/12/2011 12:10

No I would buy anyway and because they are struggling I feel it would be worse to stop than to carry on what I would do normally.

alison222 · 09/12/2011 12:11

Aggh so hard to get your point across without amiguity in writing like this.Smile

GnomeDePlume · 09/12/2011 12:11

redbluered you have probably left it too late now to say to family 'please dont buy me anything' as if they are like me willhave already bought you something and will be stuck looking at a knitted picture of the Highlands (or whatever) thinking 'now what am I going to do with that'.

How about a compromise?

Buy gifts for family using your DHs savings (which are as much yours as his). Then around easter time say to family 'can we cut down on Christmas presents this year then remind them in Novemebr that you had agreed back in April.

With your DH why not agree not to buy each other gifts and instead go out after Christmas to buy something together (again using those savings). DH and I have been married since before time began and have never bought each other presents. It really does take the stress off, believe me.

cat64 · 09/12/2011 12:12

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Original poster
redbluered · 09/12/2011 12:23

GnomeDePlume thanks for the suggestion
yes it is too late
maybe somewhere deep inside i have been half aware and cringing about this possibility all year. i dont know how to give up the topic of gift giving months in advance especially saying "don't" without it sounding like a very defensive pre meditated strategy (i.e the opposite of spontaneous gifts)

maybe it is the case of just breaking the ice. no gifts this year, no gifts next year - both years will be horribly embarrassing - and thereafter people will know - and it will all become more comfortable especially after those people stop buying (hopefully) on the understanding that you cannot get anything for them

as for husband i guess that is another topic - partly going from being the higher earner than him down to being contributing pretty much zero financially due to my wages being more than taken in childcare costs. it feels a bit like being a child, borrowing money off your parent to buy them a present, and realising at the time or later in retrospect that if you had used your own money that present might have been fine but as in reality it was your parent buying his/her own present (and not one he would have bought for himself at that) that it all becomes a bit not worth it. and my husband is not the kind of person to volunteer what he would like (ie what he would like me to use his or "our" money to purchase for him)

OP posts:
grumplestilskin · 09/12/2011 12:26

Can you make gifts with the 3 year old for husband's family? that's what we're doing

ReebleBeeble · 09/12/2011 12:26

Spouses do not have to share money, theres no rule for it! I am a SAHM and my DP works full time. We both have access to the account and treat it as 'our' money (although I dont take the piss with it. I always ask before new shoes are bought!). DP doesnt even think of it as 'his' money, but I feel weird about using his hard earned cash to buy him a gift. Last year I sold my Xbox to buy him presents, this year it was my old clothes.

I feel better about giving him a gift that I chose with my own money that I spent time and effort into getting.