To ask that husband and husbands relatives do not buy me christmas presents this year as I cannot reciprocate

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Is it reasonable to ask your husband not to buy you a present as you cannot reciprocate. And also ask your husband to ask his family not to buy me a gift for the same reason.
This is not the first year I cannot reciprocate - if anything it is worse than ever this year as I am not able to buy anything at all really looking at my finances
If someone asked this of you is it a reasonable request and would you honour their preferences or is it rude?
I will not be buying my husband anything and the only thing i am thinking of purchasing is maybe a few small novelty toys for my two children (3 yrs and 18 months) so they have something to open.
or should people just shut up, receive gifts and wait for the year in the future when the person who buys the gifts stops buying the gifts because they have finally realised the great inbalance in giving and receiving because of the financial situation of the recipient (i.e. me)

Im very confused, surely presents for his family come from you both? Me and dh have always given gifts as a team. Do you get a present off mil and a different one from your fil?

I saved money dh gives me each month for shopping/stuff I want, as I have no income to buy his presents with.

As I understand it, the gifts go from the family. But when the OP set the budget they bought, e.g. cashmere jumpers. When the DH sets the budget, it's a pair of reindeer socks

Cross post within reason but still wondering about the childcare costs.

Also as a sahm could your husband not tell you the gift budget and you do the shopping?

Crosshair - MIL and FIL are divorced and each have their own new partners

stealth
something like that re: budgets
although i never thought about it till now

ah!

Cant you pick the presents together and ask dh to pay(not that you should have to ask)?

If you always pick her present why wouldn't you this year . Usually you paid and his name went on it. This year he pays and your name goes on it. What's the big deal???

There are 2 separate issues here. The buying of gifts for extended family, and the exchange of gifts between you and DH.

Regarding the former, you say this year your husband will do the buying for wider family. Historically you are the one who selects thoughtful gifts, so why can't he pay for the gift that you select? If he is resistant to do this, then that, frankly, is weird. Perhaps the gifts won't be as lavish as previous years, but family should recognise that your circs have changed and would be VERY unreasonable not to understand.

When it comes to the latter i.e. him buying gifts for you, this for me all boils down to how you perceive your broader financial circumstances as a household. If him taking a couple of hundred out of his savings (to treat you to a luxury) that would otherwise be sitting there earning interest for an indeterminable rainy day then you ought to be a bit more gracious and let him enjoy the gift giving. If his dipping into the savings mean you have sleepless nights over genuine concerns about managing financially as a family in the coming year, then he needs to recognise this and stop being so irresponsible.

Ah, saw the budget stuff. Well, if your income has effectively gone down (after childcare) so will the cost of the presents you buy. But it sounds like you're the one letting that happen. Have you actually talked to him about this? Suggested that you will cut the budget to eg 2/3 of your usual but he'll be paying?

Hunt around for voucher codes. The Guardian Lifestyle has a link to some, money saving expert has more inc a 15% off at Debenhams on top of their current sale (may not apply on everything.) If you're good at shopping you'll be fine.

vivi noted (and thank you other posters all comments are reasonable i guess in light of not quite standard arrangements)
maybe it is that when i bought what i now see was more "generous" presents wider family just enjoyed it and maybe did or did not register the fact that the gifts were more tailored and (maybe this is sexist but) "female" inasmuch as more thought went into it.
Different economic times but i did not think too much about the fact that before my appearance on the scene his gift giving was less imaginative and of a lower (and in some cases much) lower budget.

Since the changes in our finances we have not expressly discussed the budget of gift giving
Perhaps I should just grow a backbone and say we are now reverting to your own thoughts on gift giving budget - it was acceptable once and can be acceptable again for your family.

maybe it is all too weird to even work out

Hmm, stealth has it.

This is more about your frustration at not being able to be the lavish gift giver isn't it OP.

I totally get this. I love selecting thoughtful gifts for people and tend to spank the budget. Last year when we were skint, I missed this part of Christmas a bit, just having the freedom to treat people and play the Christmas Fairy Godmother. But as a household, I felt that those kind of expenses couldn't be justified when or income had been halved. That's why it was easier just to say to the ILs NO GIFTS whatsoever, rather than substitute Fortnum and Mason for Aldi.

I appreciate it's too late for that now though OP....

I don't get it. If your husband is buying presents for his family, then you are giving them a gift, so why would you say that they shouldn't get you one? Unless you are worried about their finances.

You have bigger things to worry about than Chritsmas presents. I would start focussing you attention onto how you are going to make things more financially equal in your marriage.

vivi

"This is more about your frustration at not being able to be the lavish gift giver isn't it OP"

maybe you are right here.

Clearly however the administration of our finances works the total household budget has gone down significantly as a result of all of my salary being diverted (ignoring the discussion about how salaries should be administered)
This situation was bound to arise if there is and was no discussion about what is a suitable budget for gifts previously or since. FAOD i was not lavishly generous, i just bought a bit more than (as stealth puts it) reindeer socks
anyway, just maybe it is all just my ego

Sorry I didn't mean to sound glib.

I sympathise with how you feel and I think that you're giving yourself too hard a time and over-thinking it.

Just let DP buy the ILs a bottle of Chablis and enjoy your new iphone. FWIW, I've been using a cruddy old prehistoric Nokia since my iphone died as I couldn't justify the expense of a new handset. In a fit of pique I gave in and got myself a replacement and oooh its soooo niiiiice to have it back

It's an old fashioned phrase but "cut your cloth accordingly" strikes me as the way to deal with present giving when times are tight.

I was lucky enough to have only a very few years when the dcs were small and I wasn't earning. However, during those years, while we didn't always have a joint account, presents for family were bought out of joint income with ex-h (who earnt more at the time) contributing more. It was never a question of either one of us having to bear the lion's share regardless of whether we actually had the money to do so.

Now, happily unmarried to dp, we have a similar system in that while we don't work on a "your money is my money" principle, we always share the costs but don't necessarily worry about proportionality. Again, it depends who is most (or least!) flush at the time.

I love to give carefully chosen, thoughtful presents but it can be a weight off everyone's mind if there's a sensible understanding about the level of giving. Nobody in our extended family wants anyone to go into debt when actually, it really is the thought that counts, not the magnificence.

So rather than denying all gifts, just say that you'll be keeping things small and simple this year. People honestly don't mind.

But for sure, you need to talk to your husband about a greater degree of financial equality.

vivi thanks!
in reality i quite like this old antiquated mobile husband retrieved from the garage for me since my old one was thown by my son and broken -
i am not too techno savvy in the last few years...!

I read the above as

I quite like this old antiquated husband retrieved from the garage for me since my old one was thrown by my son and broken

and, although freaked out, no more freaked out than I have been by this very odd thread. Still don't get the you paying for childcare thing and him ending up with dosh when you're skint. But I did read that you said you don't want to 'go there' with the distribution of finances discussion. alrighty. Still weird though.

OP, why are you the only one paying for nursery fees?

Does your husband realise how broke you are? What kind of man can have savings and see his wife unable to afford a Christmas present?

You have a very strange marriage, OP. It must be incredibly stressful for you.

I don't understand though, why you are the skint one in this? Don't you have a joint account that the bills, including childcare, come out of? Why is the cost falling solely to you?

Your tone is odd OP, and strangely familar. Have you posted about this situation before?

Not got a good answer as I am wrestling with this one myself, but just wanted to say that I do 'get it' and can't understand why people think it so strange that finances between a couple can be kept separate and also be very unbalanced between the 2. This makes it so very much harder for the one with no income.

On the outside people regard us as a prosperous and successful couple without worries, which we are, but this is thanks to dh's income alone. I'm the one that 'does' everything in terms of gift buying and much of the food buying for Christmas. If I didn't, quite literally even his immediate family probably would not receive presents (on time, and he'd ask them what they want on the day), and this has indeed happened when I've forgotten birthdays etc. I have quite a large family for whom gifts are a fairly big deal - not necessarily a greatly costly one but certainly something thoughtful consisting of separate presents for Him, Her and Child. DH calls this 'going over the top' and occasionally 'materialistic'. I don't believe it is although our presents 'en masse' give that impression, especially for our DD, but I know he just doesn't buy into it and would need to be pressed to contribute either financially or in effort if it's something with no meaning for him. Dinner and carol services are what do have meaning for him. Incidentally he also has a large family, larger if anything, so it is not due to disparities there.

So I'm shattered and very down this morning over this very issue after an unwise 1 a.m. whinge in bed. Last year I did ask him in January for some help towards Christmas retrospectively, but that felt very demeaning, and as if he was buying his own present, even though I could not have managed otherwise. And I just wonder what people will think if I do take the plunge and request limited gift giving and receiving, as i am sure it will be 'But they can afford it...'

Weird.

Poster selects gifts, husband pays. No need to contact relatives to ask if they abstain from buying poster gift. Problem solved.

Your DH money is your money, can't you see that? And if you do have your own money, why doesn't he pay towards childcare?

Fine, separate finances. However, why don't you guys set a Christmas budget with combined money and only buy for everyone from that pot.

Surely, there are instances where you have to make joint purchases in the past.