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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask that husband and husbands relatives do not buy me christmas presents this year as I cannot reciprocate

74 replies

redbluered · 09/12/2011 11:41

Is it reasonable to ask your husband not to buy you a present as you cannot reciprocate. And also ask your husband to ask his family not to buy me a gift for the same reason.
This is not the first year I cannot reciprocate - if anything it is worse than ever this year as I am not able to buy anything at all really looking at my finances
If someone asked this of you is it a reasonable request and would you honour their preferences or is it rude?
I will not be buying my husband anything and the only thing i am thinking of purchasing is maybe a few small novelty toys for my two children (3 yrs and 18 months) so they have something to open.
or should people just shut up, receive gifts and wait for the year in the future when the person who buys the gifts stops buying the gifts because they have finally realised the great inbalance in giving and receiving because of the financial situation of the recipient (i.e. me)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/12/2011 12:30

You are married with children.. any money should be in the family pot, regardless of who earns it.

It sounds very controlling that he gets to pull all the purse strings.

springydaffs · 09/12/2011 12:32

'your' contribution is being eaten up by childcare? Isn't that a joint expense?

teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 12:34

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GnomeDePlume · 09/12/2011 12:35

Are the children both of yours? Assuming so then you are earning whatever you earn, he earns whatever he earns (which makes a joint income) and child care costs are a joint cost.

For goodness sake stop seeing those savings as being his. They belong to both of you.

As I said, as a couple stop buying each other presents. Go out together after Christmas and buy something you both want. It really isnt rocket science. When DH was first working we used his Christmas bonus to buy:

  • a gas fire
  • a freezer
  • a new fridge

Not exciting, exotic or romantic but we needed them, we wanted them and we had fun choosing them together. Much more fun than stressing about trying to secretly buy presents out of a joint account.

Original poster
redbluered · 09/12/2011 12:37

GnomeDePlume you are right

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 09/12/2011 12:39

what!

I'm never right, reread my post I was probably talking horeseraddish

cat64 · 09/12/2011 12:41

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SoupDragon · 09/12/2011 12:48

I don't understand this at all. If you are married, finances are joint.

msrisotto · 09/12/2011 12:51

Well seeing as it is too late to stop people buying presents for you, I think if your husband buys his family presents then they should be from both of you (this is what we do and it makes sense doesn't it? Why would you as a couple buy two gifts for someone?) And if you want to keep it cheap couldn't you make something to give, like fudge or tiffin or shortbread or something?

ViviPrudolf · 09/12/2011 13:00

This is quite interesting as our relationship is currently the other way round a bit.

Chez 'Pru, DP and I have always had a similar income. Gifts historically tend to be bought out of spends - money left in our personal bank accounts after all of the joint expenditure has been covered. So while I agree with other posters that in a partnership the income and expenditure should be considered joint, when it comes to gifts, that's slightly different.

Last year, when DP (I think its relevant to add we are not married but live very much as a married couple and been together dince the dawn of time) was made redundant and shit hit fan financially, our joint household income nosedived. We just told EVERYONE politely and frankly that we weren't able to afford to buy gifts that year and we specifically requested none in return. It wasn't remotely embarrassing. I think for most people it was a blessed relief when everyone was finding things tight. We didn't buy each other anything either, although I could probably afforded to buy DP gifts out of my spends, it just didn't feel right somehow. It was better to just place a blanket ban on all gifts.

This year, his income is still shaky being in the middle of setting up the business and he still has no spends of his own. We're managing alright though on my (fortunately significantly increased) income so I've pretty much bought as usual for our immediate family. Extended family (ILs) and friends are just expecting things to be the same as last year - i.e. no gifts. I think the precedent is set now and I'm happy for it to remain so.

This year, I've bought DP things I know he would like but would never buy for himself, and dropped hints about something I would quite life for myself that I know is reasonably priced, as I know he would still like to stretch to buy me something.

I think you should have followed the 'Pru example and told the in-laws that its a no-gift Christmas this year. I don't see how hard it would have been in November to have that conversation, its not presumptuous if they routinely buy you gifts every year. Its too late now so you just have to be gracious and accept their gifts. Your DH will be buying gifts for them surely, so there won't be any embarrassment that you have nothing in return for them?

I must add, that borne out of the no gift policy with DPs sisters has been the establishment of a lovely tradition of exchanging small home made goodies. I think you're worrying too much about what people think.

ViviPrudolf · 09/12/2011 13:01

*since not dince. Dunce more like Xmas Angry

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 09/12/2011 13:01

I've never had no income of my own, but my ILs only ever get one set of presents. They come from all of us - DH, DCs and me. Same for my family.

It sounds like you need to talk to your DH not them. How much of this is him and how much is your hang ups I don't know, but it's too late to say no presents this year.

redwineformethanks · 09/12/2011 13:04

I think you've left it too late for this year, as people will have bought your presents already.

I'd suggest joint presents from you and DH to his family members. No need for you and him to buy separate gifts

I get what you're saying that it makes you uncomfortable to receive a present if you're not in a position to reciprocate. I think it's nice if people want to be kind and generous to you, but they should also think how the recipient feels. It does make the friendship uneven if it's obvious that one can afford to give and the other can't. Perhaps the best approach from the wealthier friend in that scenario is for the wealthier one to be first to suggest stopping presents or restricting the budget.

Agree with others who say childcare is a joint expense, not just your responsibility.

ViviPrudolf · 09/12/2011 13:05

Reading that weighty tome back, in a nutshell what I'm saying OP is that our circs are similar only I am in your DH's shoes. I've bought gifts for the immediate family from us and bought my DP gifts 9perhaps fewer than usual), but we will not be exchanging gifts with anyone else. I don't expect anything form DP in return but I recognise he would probably like to get me a little something so have given him an affordable option.

I think the above is what you should have in place chez redbluered. Fin.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 09/12/2011 13:06

We do similar now RightGnomeDePlume. We often buy a joint thing for the house and a low budget token gift for each other - this year I've tracked down a DVD he's wanted for years for the grand total of £4.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 09/12/2011 13:08

What I actually want is sparkly and from Astley Clarke, but now is not the time, and I've yet to decide on one thing [magpie]

StealthPolarBear · 09/12/2011 13:11

do you really give your ILs two sets of gifts - one from their son and one from their DIL?
And are the children both of yours?

StealthPolarBear · 09/12/2011 13:13

pre children, DH and I still didn't buy for each other, as we both found it stressful. INstead we'd earmark a day after Christmas to go out in the sales, buy a load of stufff we wanted (DVDs, books etc), it was all cheaper and we'd have a nice boozy lunch too.

ViviPrudolf · 09/12/2011 13:16

That's the crux of it really isn't it, Stealth. Does the OP really buy her MiL a gift addressed solely from her? Xmas Confused

Original poster
redbluered · 09/12/2011 13:17

vivi

"but I recognise he would probably like to get me a little something so have given him an affordable option"

i broke my mobile phone (or my 18 month son broke it) a week or so ago, i have my husbands old phone at the moment which is more than adequate. i think he may buy me a phone. even this will be uncomfortable to open. whilst I totally understand why it should NOT automatically be the case that everyone buys to the level of the lowest common demonminator financially (i.e. me) it just makes "occasions" hard for me

my husband is the kind of person who likes "occasions" like christmas or birthdays i think because he is quite "one track mind" and it allows him to carry on tunnel vision the rest of the year with our routine ticking over but then he remembers my birthday and christmas and feels all is right with the world. Please note i am in no way ungrateful, it is nice to know you will get something but in my current financial circumstances i sincerely would feel more comfortable on christmas morning knowing there will be no grand "present presentation" from him to me. urrggghhh

OP posts:
ViviPrudolf · 09/12/2011 13:20

But he's your Husband... I don't get it - if your MiL bought you a phone and you'd just got her a box of aldi shortbread I could understand your mortification a bit better.

Do you think that your current household finances do not support the purchase of a new phone? In which case, your husband IBU for spanking money on fancy gifts when you're worrying about paying the mortgage.

Original poster
redbluered · 09/12/2011 13:22

vivi
no i dont buy my mil a gift just from me
its just that in the olden days when our incomes were more free flowing and mine was marginally more than my husbands I took the initiative on gift buying generally for the wider family
as we never had a "pooled" financial arrangement (our income was broadly similar) i just paid for all presents myself and didnt think about it much
being female I tried harder to detect what MIL might like and sometimes i think i got it right in terms of the style of shop / retail outfit i purchased my gift from . my husband previously typically bought MIL flowers, chocolates, a bottle of chablis

Maybe this is my error in retrospect. I should have strictly adhered to what my husband had historically bought his mother and then we could now just go back to him making the purchase instead of me

This year i have no idea what MIL will be bought, all i know is husband will do the buying.

But yes, every year to date the gift has been from both of us officially.

Maybe it is all about my "selfish" hangups about being much more "powerless" on the gift giving front and I recognise it is not necessarily appropriate to ask everyone to follow my lead but i am asking them to follow my lead for me. (obviously whatever MIL wants to buy her son and vice versa is i guess up to them)

OP posts:
OhTheConfusion · 09/12/2011 13:24

Im confused. Does your DH buy gifts for his family? If so surely those gifts come from you all as a family?

Dh and I both work. I work from home so no childcare costs however I also earn a lot less (new business swallows my pennies!) but all christmas gifts come from us as a family.

When our older DC's required childcare it was a family expense, not simply my choice to pay if I wish to work. Can't you and DH share the costs?

Pantofino · 09/12/2011 13:25

I think buying presents is the least of your worries to be honest! As so many have said already - you are married - the money in the house should be joint money. Why aren't you hearing this?

StealthPolarBear · 09/12/2011 13:25

ahhh that makes sense, I see