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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP is being ridiculous!

69 replies

HairyNigel · 09/12/2011 08:12

He reckons our flat is a shit tip and wants me to put photo's on here of it to ask your opinion. I don't really want to though due to privacy and all that, but if I could describe our flat and cleaning routine could you let me know what you think. Please!

I'm a SAHM of 17mo DS, he's very active and his favourite sport is pulling things off shelves and emptying cupboards while I'm not looking. I do all the washing up, hoover at least once a day, dust every 2-3 days, mop the kitchen floor at least once a week, clean the bathroom once a week, do all the bedding, washing, ironing blah blah blah. Basically everything cleaning wise get's done by me which is fine with me as DP works a lot. DP sometimes cooks tea on a night for us and does the odd bit of DIY around the flat but that is it most of the time.

IMO the flat is always clean, not always tidy but it's never terrible. We have a spare room that has a clothes horse and laundry basket and at the moment all the christmas presents and other random bits and bobs we don't need day to day but can't throw away. There's no room around the flat to put it elsewhere so it all just stays in there with the door shut.

Had a big row this morning cos he wants the flat to be cleaner but I'm just a bit fed up, my life revolves around cleaning the house and looking after DS and DP, I don't want to have to do anymore. Am I being lazy?

Please let me know what you think cos this is really stressing me out

OP posts:

SanTEEClaus · 09/12/2011 08:14

I think you're a cleaning goddess.

My entire house gets a good cleaning every 2 weeks with spot cleaning as and when needed. I certainly do not hoover daily, dust every 2-3 days or anything like it. There is always clutter and toys everywhere.

Tell your DP if he wants it cleaner, he should hire someone to do it, as you are doing what you can and looking after a very active toddler.

DeeOfTheNorth · 09/12/2011 08:18

Wow. Your DP would hate my house then - send him round.....might make him appreciate you a bit more!

Callisto · 09/12/2011 08:18

Having an active toddler in a small flat means that nothing will ever be tidy. Tell you husband to sod off or come up with some storage solutions if he doesn't like it.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 09/12/2011 08:19

once a week is not enough for a kitchen floor or a bathroom. It really isn't. mess is one thing, but your kitchen and bathroom are two rooms that really need at least the basics done every day.

every couple of days is fine for dusting, it won't hurt.

however. If he's not happy, there's a simple answer - he either does it himself or you guys get a cleaner! You're not his servant. Yes, fair division of labour and all that. If one of you is bringing in the money then the other one takes the bulk of the home stuff - so your contribution is equal. basically so it works out that your 'working week' is about the same number of hours. I think that's fair. but you're cleaning. You're looking after the child. I bet you do do about the same as him!

really though, without seeing pictures, it is impossible to know whether you're fooling yourself about the state of the place, or he is unreasonable and anal about it.

AFuckingFestiveKnackeredWoman · 09/12/2011 08:20

Stop cleaning from now.

Do not lift a finger until he has crawled over on his knees and provided you with a grovelling apology and acknowledged he was a twat

Pozzled · 09/12/2011 08:21

You do a lot more than me. It sounds absolutely fine. IMO your first responsibility as a sahm is to your DS and the housework should be done when you get a chance. Does he want you to spend so much time cleaning that your DS gets bored?

Winkly · 09/12/2011 08:22

Point him to the mop and duster if he wants it cleaner.

ISayHolmes · 09/12/2011 08:22

To Hairy Nigel's husband. If you think that your flat is a "shit tip" then you need to do more. Your wife does all of the cleaning, so it's not much of an ask to do that extra bit that would make the place okay in your eyes.

Maybe you don't realise this, but it's pretty insulting to your wife to label the home a shit heap when she:

-irons
-cleans the bathroom
-mops
-hoovers DAILY
-does the bedding
-tidies

and much more besides. How do you think she feels when you slag off the place and basically tell her that all of the things she does already isn't enough? You make it sound like she does nothing. How would you feel if one day when you came home she said "You earn £25,000 (for example) we're fucking poor, why don't you earn £40,000 instead" and just discounted all of what you already brought in as if it was nothing? It would feel horrible.

You need to look at what you aren't happy with and consider doing some of it yourself. Yes, you work, but so does your wife and to ask her to do even more when she already feels like she spends all of her time cleaning isn't nice.

Also, with a 17 month old your expectations for a tidy home are somewhat unrealistic. A toddler takes up a hell of a lot of time and attention and cause a lot of mess. Cleanliness is the most important thing and it sounds like your partner is on top of it.

If the flat's state bothers you that much, take action.

slavetofilofax · 09/12/2011 08:23

Tbh, there is no reason why your ds should be pulling things out of cupboards and off shelves, if you get him to stop doing that, you will save yourself a lot of stress.

I think this entirely depends on what your flat looks like, it is hard to say otherwise. And your dh could have ridiculously high standards. Your cleaning routine sounds perfect, but if things aren't tidy then it will still look messy. There is no reason why you can't have a clean and tidy flat with only one toddler. Could this be more about your dh thinking that everything should be 100% perfect all the time because you are SAH than it is about the actual state of your home?

CailinDana · 09/12/2011 08:26

Tell your DP that if he takes over for a week and keeps the house cleaner than you do then you'll meet his standards. I'd give him one day before he loses his mind.

I am a SAHM to an 11 month old DS. I keep the kitchen tidy, clean the bathroom once a week and do my laundry and DS's laundry and that's it. DH hoovers every couple of days, does his own laundry and does all of the cooking (he works full time). Looking after an active toddler is very very time consuming. It's nigh on impossible to keep the house tidy while trying to keep him occupied and fed. I take my DS out to quite a lot of groups so we're not really in the house enough to get much done anyway. My DH doesn't mind at all.

It sounds like your DP doesn't have much respect for you.

antsypants · 09/12/2011 08:28

Ha! He wouldn't last a day with me, I work full time but it's just me and toddler in the house, I do all the cleaning, and by cleaning I mean washing, occasionally Hoover, I may on a blue moon pull a duster around, I have been known to wash dishes when I need them, and when DD dad is at mine watching her then he sometimes does something... Shit heap, not really, you are a 50's housewife compared to me.

Of course I would be telling him to fuck right off, just because you work it doesn't entitle you to sit and criticise, particularly when your wife is also working twice as hard as you all day.

Cheeky sod.

Original poster

HairyNigel · 09/12/2011 08:30

Thanks for the replies. Sorry if I'm drip feeding but I will admit I'm a bit lazy with it sometimes when I've got a busy week doing other things like taking DS to play group or other stuff but then the week after I go on a cleaning binge cos I don't like the mess.
The flat is very dated and we can't redecorate as we rent.
I do always try to tidy up toys etc before DP gets home from work though so he has a nice home to come back to.

OP posts:

antsypants · 09/12/2011 08:35

So, essentially you are ensuring your child develops well instead of sitting by the hearth desperate awaiting your masters arrival with a warm plate and willing smile?

You don't live in a catherine Cookson novel, you don't have to answer to anyone about your time, your job is to care for your child an keep the house reasonably tidy, which you do, if he doesn't like it then he can get a nanny and cleaner and pay them.... Which will far outweigh what you cost...

Or he could remember that you are two equal parts of a pair and that he has as much responsibility for the house as you do.

SmellslikeSANTAScatspee · 09/12/2011 08:37

Bloody hell I can't remember the last time I dusted. Have I ever dusted??

you sound like a super women to me. . .

BIWIshYouAMerryChristmas · 09/12/2011 08:40

Were you working full time before you had your baby? If so, who did the cleaning/tidying then?

IMVHO the job you are doing now is that of mother to your child. This new (I assume) job does not have 'cleaning and tidying' as part of its job description any more than your last job did.

Just because you are at home doing your job does not mean that automatically all cleaning and tidying duties fall on your shoulders.

What you're doing sounds more than enough to me. If your DP is unhappy then he can get off his arse and do it himself.

SmellslikeSANTAScatspee · 09/12/2011 08:40

Just woke OH up to check, got a ugggg what? you.....dust..........snort.........only before your Mum comes to visit and then it's 5 minutes before she arrives with what ever you have in your hand

Grumpla · 09/12/2011 08:41

Applauds ISayHolmes

Tell your DH to fuck off. You're already doing waaaaay more than DH and I bother with, and that's with two actual grownups in the house.

In fact, why not just go on strike? Your job is, after all, childcare. Just do that.

MrsPepperpotty · 09/12/2011 08:42

My DH used to moan about the state of the house (I am a SAHM with 3 young kids, although I do have a cleaner once a week). We talked about it, and worked out that the problem arose due to our backgrounds - his mum had always kept the house tidier than mine (hmm maybe because mine went back to work full time when her kids started school and his stayed at home?), and you do tend to base your standards and expectations on your childhood experience. I explained to him how sad it would make me to prioritise cleaning above playing with our DCs - I honestly don't think he had thought of that.

As a compromise, he told me about a couple of issues which particularly bothered him (kitchen floor and sink) and I made an effort to improve in those areas. He also took responsibility for a couple of extra jobs (cobwebs as he is tall, and cleaning the loos). This approach worked for both of us and cut out the arguments!

Maybe a similar conversation would help you?

JarethTheGoblinKing · 09/12/2011 08:43

Christ, I haven't hoovered since I was pregnant with DS (he's 4) DP does it at weekends. Apparently I don't do it properly .. I do dust sometimes. Kitchen and bathroom always clean, the house in reasonably tidy order most of the time.

The house is fine .. I can do a quick clean/tidy in 10 mins if people are coming over and it looks presentable. He's a bit controlling about this sort of thing and I realised long ago that if he's that bloody bothered about the state of the house he can bloody well clean it himself.

I am a bit lazy though when I comes to housework though

fluffylegs · 09/12/2011 08:50

I struggle to do that with my 15 month DC. Flat often looks like a bomb has gone off. My DP is not fussy though, thank god. you have my sympathies.

KatAndKit · 09/12/2011 09:17

Hoovering every day - that surely isn't necessary. Once or twice a week will do, with a quick going over of any area that gets particularly messy in the meantime. And what is with all this ironing? Surely your DP is capable of ironing his own clothes? I never iron bedding either.

If you have a small flat and a small child it is hard to find places to put everything away. A bit of clutter is harmless. Buy a ten pound toy box from IKEA to put toys away in your living room at the end of the day.
If you have space for it, invest in a dishwasher, and perhaps even a tumble dryer (or replace washing machine with combo washer dryer) as this will cut your workload with the washing up and eliminate the need for a permanent clothes horse.

If you have a lot of clutter, you and DP will need to rationalise your belongings. Mine is a hoarder, he has accumulated a houseful of crap which we are now attacking to make space.

It sounds to me like you are doing enough work. If he doesn't like it he could always do some tidying up himself.

CailinDana · 09/12/2011 09:17

Does your DP do any housework on his days off?

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 09/12/2011 09:21

sounds alright to me. Honestly, if an absolutely pristeen house means that much to your DP point him in the direction of the hoover and duster etc and tell him to do it himself from now on.

UnexpectedOrangeInMyStocking · 09/12/2011 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 09/12/2011 09:31

I hoover daily (long haired dog) but I almost never mop .

DP is a knob dying to see photos though

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