to think DP is being ridiculous!

[HairyNigel]

He reckons our flat is a shit tip and wants me to put photo's on here of it to ask your opinion. I don't really want to though due to privacy and all that, but if I could describe our flat and cleaning routine could you let me know what you think. Please!

I'm a SAHM of 17mo DS, he's very active and his favourite sport is pulling things off shelves and emptying cupboards while I'm not looking. I do all the washing up, hoover at least once a day, dust every 2-3 days, mop the kitchen floor at least once a week, clean the bathroom once a week, do all the bedding, washing, ironing blah blah blah. Basically everything cleaning wise get's done by me which is fine with me as DP works a lot. DP sometimes cooks tea on a night for us and does the odd bit of DIY around the flat but that is it most of the time.

IMO the flat is always clean, not always tidy but it's never terrible. We have a spare room that has a clothes horse and laundry basket and at the moment all the christmas presents and other random bits and bobs we don't need day to day but can't throw away. There's no room around the flat to put it elsewhere so it all just stays in there with the door shut.

Had a big row this morning cos he wants the flat to be cleaner but I'm just a bit fed up, my life revolves around cleaning the house and looking after DS and DP, I don't want to have to do anymore. Am I being lazy?

Please let me know what you think cos this is really stressing me out

yanbu, you should see my shit tip for abit of perspective.

wow. wot interesting posts. i have a dd who s 2 and 2mnths. i always feel like i am busy all day and totally wiped out by the time she goes to bed.. then i still got more to do then. my dh works ft days/nights. i work pt. i hoover as needed but that tends to be daily dowmnstairs and 1ce a week upstairs. i cook all our meals, do all the washing up, all laundry and ironing and putting away of clothes i do all child care bathing feeding entertaining our dd ( even tho he been on hols for last week). i am tired all the time and think my expectations are high. im happy if at the end of the day my dd is fed, entertained, had a bout of fresh air, all toys are put away and washing up is dne. then i can relax... ready to be on night duty if she wakes up {luckily this is very very rare} but i still do not sleep soundly as need to keep ear out for dd!

I don't really agree that you can't keep the house tidy if you have one toddler, especially if you don't work. There's certainly a lot you can do to contain the mess, so that it can be picked up quickly.

Very good solution from a Mumsnetter friend of mine.

Second child recently born, so clearly not much sleep going on, other child was active 5 year old at the time. He came home and complained that the house was a mess. For the rest of the week she made sure the house was absolutely spotless, then shortly before her DH returned from work she would take the children out and go to Sainsburys for their dinner ( leaving nothing for DH) .

When he complained about this she advised that there was no way she could keep the house spotless, look after two small children and grocery shop and cook so that dinner was on the table every night .

To my mind this made the argument much more effectively than any ongoing discussions would have done.

BTW the amount of cleaning you are doing sounds amazing, I'm not so house proud.

My house is kept clean but it's hardly ever 'tidy'. It only looks good if someone's coming round, like family or friends. If it's only us seeing it, I don't really give a toss if it's a bit messy. But I don't like people turning up without prior notice because I'd rather have a chance to make it look okay first. There always seems to be piles of paperwork around, toys on the floor etc. Meh.

It sounds to me like you do loads OP. Down tools and then see what he thinks when you've done bugger all for three days. Bet he appreciates how much you do after that.

I am feeling very inadequate...I never did that my cleaning. Ever. When DS2 was born, the house was grubby. DH moaned, and the solution was to get a cleaner, even though money was a bit tight. 3 hours once a week made a huge difference.

5 years on, I still hate cleaning, but we have a fantastic cleaner (still 3 hours), and it means the house is fine. We need to tidy, do kitchen, iron etc. That's fine.

Not sure that would work for your DH though as you are actually doing lots of cleaning anyway.

Well. It's up to both of you to discuss and decide upon what level of cleanliness you choose to maintain in your joint home. Can't really legislate on that one.

What is easy to sort out, though, is this idea that you should be doing more cleaning. You both work - he outside the home bringing in external cash, you inside the home caring for your child and doing stuff at home during the hours he is at work. These hours of toil should be equal. If you are happy with the fact that you are doing what housework you can during the working day, then any extra mess left over when BOTH of you have finished the 9-5, so to speak, is a joint responsibility.

I suspect his approach here might be 'but I don't see why you can't do what I want done more as you're here all day just playing with the baby every day' - if that is his argument, then firstly you need to go away for a few days and leave him in sole charge, so that he can understand that caring for a toddler is pretty full on in itself. Just as his job probably isn't answering emails and playing solitaire in between times.

Then if there's still a discrepancy in what you want, you need to discuss whether you'll agree to spend some evening time tackling these tasks together, or whether it's worth getting a cleaner.

One thing that is not, and never will be the case: that you, by virtue of doing the home-based job, become responsible for every job that needs to be done within it. That would be about as fair as you saying 'But shopping has to be your responsibility on the weekends, dear, after all, you are the one whose domain is outside of the house, yes?'

maaaannnn! where to begin. Me and DH are role swapped (I work, he is SAH). When I get back from work I have a go at him if: He hasnt put the washing up to be done in the kitchen (but NOT in the sink - I need the sink empty for emergency sterilization runs) or has left the kettle somewhere random so I cant make hot chocolate.
I do all the other cleaning, washing up and most of the cooking.

We have a 'active' 6mo and he works much harder looking after her than I have to at work....

erm so YADDDDNBU

YANBU, if he wants a cleaner flat, tell him to fucking clean it

You need to nip this attitude of your DP's in the bud. You don't want to be there in 6 months time thinking, 'I'd really like to take DS to the park today, but I wouldn't get the hoovering done if I did'

Apart from telling your DP to shove it up his arse , I'd reduce the time you spend cleaning, and just have a quick tidy at the end of the day instead. If he thinks we can judge your flat's cleanness from a picture, he's probably actually talking about tidiness. Get a big box and sling everything into it at the end of the day. Get your DP to sort it out and put everything away properly at the weekend.

Oh, and does your DS eat with a plastic-backed cloth/sheet thing under his highchair? IKea or John Lewis, a couple of lengths of fabric. Bung in wash when dirty. Saves on the hoovering/mopping.

I win! He's hiring a cleaner!

I still don't really think we need one but if he's happy to pay for it then I'm not going to stop him.

Its not cleanliness thats the problem its the mess.

He isnt slagging your cleaning off just the fact that your tidy is not his tidy.

Seriously Ive had kids when one was 5 I had another. My house was always TIDY. There is a difference.

i.e toys put away, nothing left on worktops other than appliances, no ironing lying around. Clean surfaces make a clean home, not actual hoovering and dusting.

I have this conversation with my dh regularly. He works and I am a sahm to 3 dcs.

I loathe housework and will happily do the bare minimum though I do put more effort in now we have dcs.

I hoover downstairs every day.Upstairs once or twice a week. Clean the kitchen and wash the dishes every night-god forbid dh should wash a dish
Clean bathroom twice a week but chuck bleach down the loo everyday.
Change the beds every week
Do about 5 loads of washing a week
I also cook all meals except a saturday which is pizza or takeaway night.

I tend to just ignore dh when he moans about the state of the house as I know his issue is more that it needs redecorating. However we are both terrible when it comes to diy and dh is too tight to pay someone to do it so he just has to put up and shut up!

God Ilovepigs, that's a lot of cleaning, what on earth is your DH complaining about?! I suppose the advantage of having a messy puppy for a DH is that he couldn't give two hoots if the place is a tip. He's mad about DIY so that's his job while I do the bare minimum on the housework front :)

Thats loads of cleaning! Toddlers are like whirlwinds thats what they do.
I haven't cleaned for almost 2 weeks (with the exception of wiping down the kitchen worktops and chucking some bleach down the loo) but never mind. There's been more important things going on. The only thing I try to keep on top of is the laundry though i'm sure that the clothes breed in that basket, I left it for 2 days almost empty and it's already overflowing!

If it bothers your DH that much then why doesn't he do something rather than bitch about it?

Are you happy with the state of your flat? Your husband doesn't get to decide how clean the house is when he comes home from work, just because he is lord and master of all he surveys. You need to negotiate between you what really matters to you and do that, with him working as hard as you at the weekends. Or you will become his employee rather than his wife.