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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP is being ridiculous!

69 replies

HairyNigel · 09/12/2011 08:12

He reckons our flat is a shit tip and wants me to put photo's on here of it to ask your opinion. I don't really want to though due to privacy and all that, but if I could describe our flat and cleaning routine could you let me know what you think. Please!

I'm a SAHM of 17mo DS, he's very active and his favourite sport is pulling things off shelves and emptying cupboards while I'm not looking. I do all the washing up, hoover at least once a day, dust every 2-3 days, mop the kitchen floor at least once a week, clean the bathroom once a week, do all the bedding, washing, ironing blah blah blah. Basically everything cleaning wise get's done by me which is fine with me as DP works a lot. DP sometimes cooks tea on a night for us and does the odd bit of DIY around the flat but that is it most of the time.

IMO the flat is always clean, not always tidy but it's never terrible. We have a spare room that has a clothes horse and laundry basket and at the moment all the christmas presents and other random bits and bobs we don't need day to day but can't throw away. There's no room around the flat to put it elsewhere so it all just stays in there with the door shut.

Had a big row this morning cos he wants the flat to be cleaner but I'm just a bit fed up, my life revolves around cleaning the house and looking after DS and DP, I don't want to have to do anymore. Am I being lazy?

Please let me know what you think cos this is really stressing me out

OP posts:
Original poster
HairyNigel · 09/12/2011 09:44

Right, have emailed this link to DP and awaiting to see what he says!
Thanks ISayHolmes, you have summed up my feelings perfectly!

DP doesn't do any housework most days but I don't really mind that as he does work very hard. If he's not been that busy at work he'll do a bit of cleaning but it's not very often. The issue for me isn't how much he does, it's how much he expects me to do.

Pre DS I was the laziest person ever, I didn't even wash my clothes properly and barely knew what a hoover was. Now I have pride in my house being clean, it might not be perfect but I'm never going to be a stepford wife so there you go.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/12/2011 09:50

You are clearly trying your best here. That's what matters.

One thing i would say though is that if it's untidy and messy, then you cannot guarantee that it's actually as clean as you think. Who knows what lies under the mess?

And maybe you have too much clutter and 'stuff'? A good clear out is good for the soul.

TwoPlates · 09/12/2011 09:56

dusting every 2-3 days and cleaning the bathroom and kitchen floor only once a week? It should be the other way around. You should mop the kitchen floor and clean the bathroom more often and he should help in doing a weekly clean i.e. dusting, windows, cleaning the bin.

iwantbrie · 09/12/2011 09:57

Try doing what I did. Keep a diary for a day detailing everything that you do down to the tiniest detail. It's a pain but keep it going from when you get up to when you go to bed. Show it to him when you're both calm, tell him the points where you need help (does he leave things lying around for you/the tidy fairies to pick up?) and take it from there. DH hasn't said a word about our house since I did it! (Although socks still make an appearance on the floor occasionally things have improved :) )

tomverlaine · 09/12/2011 10:02

Does he think it is messy or dirty? what does he actually want you to do?

Different people have different things that bug them - I loathe dirty dishes left out /unwiped sides etc- DP hates things I do eg leave clothes around/pot
but i think it is messiness rather than cleanliness that is the issue for both of us

lottiegb · 09/12/2011 10:04

Get some big, stackable storage boxes (simple plastic ones from Ikea or an office equipment place). That might help with the stored stuff in the spare room, some of the stuff that is on shelves / in cupboards, making it less easy to grab and with toys. You don't need to store things neatly within - contained mess.

But YANBU and different standards are normal and need to be talked about and an agreement made, not imposed.

ItsSnowDarling · 09/12/2011 10:04

I think I must issues - Hoover, mop and dust daily, tidy as I go along, clean bathroom most days and definitely clean the kitchen daily - with three boys it'd be a tip I didn't.

I really can't stand mess and clutter, but I still have plenty of time to play and work.

DH does help and does most of the cooking and pet care though.

ItsSnowDarling · 09/12/2011 10:05
  • must have
cheesesarnie · 09/12/2011 10:06

you sound far tidier than me.

difficulttimes · 09/12/2011 10:07

I have arguments similar to this but I bet OP you get far less sleep than he does, he cant expect a sleep deprived harassed mummy to be kim & aggie tbh.

If what I've said is true you need to read him the riot act for calling you lazy.

dreamingbohemian · 09/12/2011 10:14

Does he think it's not clean enough, or not tidy enough?

You can spend all day cleaning but if DS leaves his toys or other things everywhere it will look messy nonetheless.

My DS also loves pulling things out of drawers and shelves but, well, tough, we have child locks on everything. We have a toy box in his room and the living room, at the end of the day everything gets chucked in them, takes 2 seconds.

I would ask your DH to say specifically what he'd like to be cleaner (kitchen? clutter?) and then see if it's a reasonable request. If all he can manage is a general 'it's not clean enough' then it's his problem really!

Maryz · 09/12/2011 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katisha · 09/12/2011 10:29

We've got a dark slate kitchen floor. What you can't see you don't have to clean...

Quenelle · 09/12/2011 10:35

I don't like the fact that your DH has asked you to get our opinion. Does he want us all to gang up on you and call your flat a filthy mess and say you are lazy and slovenly?

Which it isn't and you're not in the slightest by the way.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 09/12/2011 10:35

HairyNigel, your DH sounds juts like mine. I always kept the house as clean as I could but it seems a never ending battle to keep it tidy.

My DH kept moaning it wasn't clean enbough so I told him if I wasn't doing a good enough job he could always pay for a cleaner. So now we have a cleaner and he still says the house isn't clean Hmm

I give up, at least I don't have to do the cleaning now though Wink

Don't let it stress you out, you are not lazy, you sound like you do a lot more cleaning than I ever did anyway.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 09/12/2011 10:37

"We've got a dark slate kitchen floor. What you can't see you don't have to clean..."

lol - that's my motto too Wink

My DH is a bit of a clean freak though, he insisted on washing the back of the wardrobe when we moved it the other day Shock

StandingAlone · 09/12/2011 10:44

Wow you do well to get so much done everyday with a 17mo to look after as well. I am in awe of anyone who can be bothered to dust and iron.

I hoover several times a day as my DD's are mucky pups and the dogs tend to malt everywhere all the blummin time so I end up hoovering approx 3-4 times a day (only downstairs though) Floors get washed once or twice a week here, bathroom gets done once a week and the kitchen is done as we go along. But my DH does a good 40% of the household cleaning and tidying even though I am a SAHM and he works out of the house. DH also does the laundry 90% of the time.

DH does this as he knows how hard it is to do it all and look after young children, he says he finds it easier to go out to work than to be the SAHP.

Maybe you could take yourself off for the day or even a weekend and let him do it all. I also like the idea another poster suggested for him to keep it to a standard he is happy with while looking after a 17mo and cooking, then you will match it.

hackmum · 09/12/2011 12:16

You can't keep a place clean and tidy with a toddler - they just undermine everything you do. So you hoover the floor and then they're sick on it. You tidy all the CDs nicely on the shelf, and they pull them off. You put rubbish in the bin, they tip the bin over. If your DH is that bothered, let him do the cleaning at the weekend.

poppercondria · 09/12/2011 12:34

I have never dusted. I have wiped the dust off of something if I'm about to use it/sit on it, but I've never gone and actually dusted.

If your DP is unhappy with the state of the flat, then he needs to spend his Saturday mornings cleaning it. You should take you child out at that time, so he can grumble and moan without you hearing it.

I reckon he has another problem going on here... jealousy that you're not 'working'? Anger that you're not bringing in money? Frustration that he's living in a rented flat that needs decorating and lacks storage space? Your cleanliness sounds just fine, so sit down and figure out what his problem is.

Whatever it is, you've got a problem, too. Your DH is acting like an arse, and needs to sort it out.

QuietNinjaMincepie · 09/12/2011 12:40

Ah I remember the pulling things of shelves stage fondly not tell your dp to pull his finger out if he's not happy! You do way more than I do on a daily basis and my house is vaguely clean and tidy mostly. What a nobber he is!

QuietNinjaMincepie · 09/12/2011 12:44

Laughing at all the people who haven't dusted for ages! I feel somuch better as only dusted for first time yesterday in 2 weeks!

michglas · 09/12/2011 12:47

He'd hate to come to my house then, the last time i dusted was in October prior to MIL coming to stay. Before that, I honestly can't remember. The house gets hoovered once a week, I couldn't tell you what a mop was and ironing gets done on as required basis. We both work full-time and I did do a lot more housework when I was at home with DD2, but only out of boredom and nowhere near as much as you. Tell your DH to get a grip.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 09/12/2011 12:49

Your dp needs to:

a) earn more money so that you can move to a bigger house;
b) take part in cleaning on a more regular basis
c) invest in furniture with more lockable cupboards so your belongings are not spread everywhere
d) ensure all his junk is thrown away
e) pay for a deep clean once a week.

Please let me know what he thinks about my suggestions. They are in lieu of feedback to his proposed picture of your "pigsty"

minciepie · 09/12/2011 12:58

YANBU at all. Sounds like you do a pretty amazing job on the cleaning, and frankly, it's not your DH's place to criticise anyway.

Having said that, it sounds like you might make your life a bit easier if you child locked the cabinets and boxed up the things on the lower shelves, at least for the next 6 months or so?

ballstoit · 09/12/2011 13:00

When ex-H lived here, he was constantly moaning about the state of the house, even when I had 2 under 2 year olds. I guess my cleaning routine was about the same as yours except with kitchen/bathroom cleaned every 2-3 days and dusting done once a week.

I have noticed since he doesn't live here (and I've had an extra child) that;

  • I feel less resentful of doing the housework as I'm the only adult in the house and I'm not fuming as I stand ironing and a lazy git is sitting on his arse watching TV
  • there is much less mess and dirt as no one hoards crap and the adult in charge always enforce no shoes in the house

So, op, perhaps you could let DP know that my route to a cleaner, tidier house is to rid the house of unwanted items...including those who complain about the state of things while failin to do much about it Wink

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