About this bloody stag do

[Rhubarbgarden]

Dh has got a stag do tomorrow. Most of the guys do not live in London and are travelling from varying distances to get here. We were supposed to be hosting one of them (he invited himself, then informed us his wife and kids were coming too and I could take them all Christmas shopping ) but he cancelled last week. Tonight, 11pm, dh casually mentions that one of the guys (who is a chauvinistic, pig-ignorant moron) 'will probably turn up with a sleeping bag expecting to stay here'. Dh, who is a generous, unflappable sort fails to see that this is totally unacceptable. We are not students, this is not a house share; this is a family home with a toddler who is a light sleeper. If someone is coming to stay, I need warning. I need to move all the washing racks from the spare room, wash the linen, tidy the house etc etc. I need to be mentally prepared, not have it sprung on me. Dh just says that moron friend 'won't mind linen with cat fur on' and fails to see that that is not the point. I've told him that if a) the toddler gets woken up; b) there is any vomit; or c) the cat escapes then the moron friend is out on his ear instantly. Dh clearly thinks I am being totally unreasonable. I'm just that this has been sprung on me like this.

Given the circumastances, he'd be your DH's guest, not yours, so you don't need to do anything for him and your DH can't expect you to. He'll make sure there's enough milk in the fridge, they can get takeways and your DH takes responsibility for ensuring no disruption to his child. That's the only way such a presumed 'arrangement' could possibly work.

I'd be cross about the presumption too, it is your home not your DH's student flat. If the friend comments on it in future just tell him you didn't know he'd been invited and had other plans.

I agree with Lottie, - the main objections seem to be that this man will cause more work for the OP. There is a solution to this, - DON'T DO IT.

DON'T tidy up the house before he arrives
DON'T cook for anyone other than yourself and your DCs
DON'T pick up after them

This person is your partner's guest, not yours. Don't be a martyr about it, - that's not fair on anyone.

I regularly have my friends in the flat, - if my partner decided to make the place tidy beforehand, cook us food, then pick up after us (even though he hadn't been asked) I would be a bit miffed if he turned round and said 'Could you stop inviting your mates because its so much work FOR ME?' I would say 'Well, don't do the work, then.'

I would welcome any friend of my DH's.

I would happily let him sleep on cat hair if I was too busy.

He could join us at breakfast, I'd even make a cup of tea.

why not, really?

OP, are you a bit of a control freak? It is good to stay flexible about life, you know?

YANBU. The tidying this would only bother me if it was my mum, but I simply would not be able to relax knowing there was a possibility that some drunken arse would be asleep somewhere in my house when I got up. I would be on edge all night, and would feel supremely inconvenienced purely for the fact that whoever stays has to sleep in the living room, thus meaning the toddlers, baby and me have to stay out until said arse wakes up and leaves!

No, the issue is the op finds this man unpleasant. No one who is unpleasant to me, my dh or my children is welcome to stay in my home. We all have a right to feel comfortable here, and that is more important that someone's right to crash over.

No, the issue is the op finds this man unpleasant.

But that's not what the OP is saying is the probelm, she is saying that the lack of notice is the issue:

If someone is coming to stay, I need warning. I need to move all the washing racks from the spare room, wash the linen, tidy the house etc etc. I need to be mentally prepared, not have it sprung on me.

Why would having more than a day's warning make this man any more tolerable?

leave the manipulative controlling arse Erm, what I mean is that my husband's friends are always welcome at our house, as are mine, and whilst we no students anymore and have baby and toddler and drying rack of our own, I'd be very cross if my husband got his knickers in a twist about letting a mate crash over instead of wasting money on a hotel.

Infantilising my OH? Blimey that's a bit strong isn't it?? I haven't said he can't come. I've said I think he's being rude to assume he can stay here without asking first - surely that's common courtesy, especially in a house with a small child? And I think my Dh is BU to only mention the possibility of this happening the evening beforehand. Yes I am a bit of a control freak - I like visitors to have clean sheets and a nice room free from clothes airers and cat fur, and I like to make sure I have something nice in the fridge for their breakfast. I'm not 22, my days of sleeping drunk on friends' sofas are a long way behind me, and I find it slightly odd that a man pushing 40 thinks it's normal to still carry on like this.

Whackamole how right you are - I will not sleep at all tonight knowing there is a possibility there may be an unpleasant, drunk man under my roof. I will worry about the cat getting out into the road because he won't be careful with the front door and I'll worry about dd being disturbed.

I probably do need to chill out and be more flexible, and not worry about tidying, but that's who I am and right now I'm too damn tired with this pregnancy and a busy toddler to feel like dealing with my character flaws.

I'm with you OP, I don't think YABU. I'm more than delighted to host friends/family, love people coming round, etc, and I am good friends with nearly everyone in my OH's life.

I'm sure you are too.

However, the clinchers for me are the lack of notice you've been given, the fact that the friend is a bit of a knob (and I guess your DH knows this and the fact that you don't like him because of it) and the fact that you're pregnant. I wouldn't be happy if my OH had done this at all, and it's a totally different kettle of fish to a 'normal' invite of the 'Dave would like to visit us next weekend, isn't that nice, I'll cook us all dinner' type.

And yes, even if he's just crashing and is a bit of tit, you'd still feel obliged to do some basic housework/prep stuff, which I guess is not what you need at the moment.

ok difference of opinion. dh can of course have friends I don't like but he can see them elsewhere. I don't need to have my home life disrupted by people I don't like or who don't like me. And vice versa - if a friend of mine was rude to him I wouldn't have her stay. Meet her for a drink or dinner sure, but not have her over. We have several houseguests and enjoy having them, but they are welcomed by everyone in the family.

ANd I got the feeling the op resented this man staying over because she had no warning and he was unpleasant and the type to comment on her "slovenly" housekeeping. which is why it is stressing her out.

You need to forget about what he thinks of the house. He can kip if he wants, but he's on the sofa. And if you children should happen to wake early and jump on his head, well, that can't be helped now can it?

You never said you were pregnant either. This is totally not even open for discussion. Tell your DH that under no uncertain terms is this person staying at your house this weekend.

shock horror - of course if the woman is the teensiest weensiest bit pregnant, she - shock horror - cannot be expected to - faints a little bit - cope in any normal or rational way - needs to sit down with the sheer notion of it!

I will not sleep at all tonight knowing there is a possibility there may be an unpleasant, drunk man under my roof.

jesus christ - and women want equality?!?!?

"I've said I think he's being rude to assume he can stay here without asking first - surely that's common courtesy, especially in a house with a small child? And I think my Dh is BU to only mention the possibility of this happening the evening beforehand."

Well, whilst out friend says "Eh, Rhubarbshusband, do you mind if I crash over?" Rhubarbshusband says "sure, why not?", so mate asked, and everything's fine and dandy.

Your husband even had the courtesy of warning you that this is likely to happen, rather than expecting a written request 3 weeks prior to the event.

I knew someone would pick up on that. Heckler I'm not suggesting that a pregnant person would not be able to cope rationally. My comment was more aimed at the fact that being pregnant, the OP is more tired and frazzled (by her own admission) and might expect a little more consideration from her DH.

This thread is interesting in that it creates clearly polarised views. I'm more on the fence in that on one hand, I agree with the OP, having drunk people crashing on my sofa isn't something I particularly want to be a part of my existence anymore , but I think that to let one's expectations of oneself slide for ONE night to do a favour for a friend of your DH seems pretty reasonable.

However in the particular circumstances outlined by the OP - the 'assumption' of the friend, the late notice, his previous form, her current pregnancy-related exhaustion and moreover the fact that it is to be his base for two nights (which many seem to be glossing over) makes it unreasonable.

omg I can't believe that after all the angst with the friend from (was it Ireland?) and his wife and kids being dumped on you for London shopping - that they've cancelled!
I'd just tidy and be ready anyway!

Rhubarb I think you are being a little tiny bit unreasonable. I don't understand the problem of your DH's friend crashing at yours - me and my DH have friends to stay and it is not an issue. You say that DH's friend is an unpleasant man that you do not like but then you also say you have only met him twice (correct me if I am wrong) so not sure how you can actually know him that well. I appreciate that you are pregnant and have a child in the house but that really should not stop people from staying in your home. It makes you look really uptight and hostile to DH's friend and it might explain why he has a problem with you if this is how you react.

Please chill out as friends don't care about the state of someone's house. And let your husband sort our breakfast. Presume they will be out most of the time at the stag do so its not as though they will be getting under your feet.

When I grow up, I want to be LeQueen

QOD yes it's ironic isn't it - the Irish lot cancelled and now suddenly I've got this one staying instead. I should indeed have just got the room ready and had done with it!

LeQueen I'm hardly stamping my foot over this and refusing to let him stay. As I keep pointing out, I'm grumpy about his assumption that he can stay - he's travelling down from Scotland and booked his train tickets weeks ago but made no effort to sort out a hotel or ask if he could stay. I shall be perfectly hospitable towards him - I'm incapable of being anything but, when it comes down to it. Unless he breaks my three rules which I've already underlined to dh, and he knows this is important to me.

I'm genuinely surprised by how many of you think all this perfectly reasonable, and how many of you mix drunk friends with small children, so that's been an eye opener; thank you for your responses.