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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About this bloody stag do

100 replies

Rhubarbgarden · 08/12/2011 23:41

Dh has got a stag do tomorrow. Most of the guys do not live in London and are travelling from varying distances to get here. We were supposed to be hosting one of them (he invited himself, then informed us his wife and kids were coming too and I could take them all Christmas shopping ) but he cancelled last week. Tonight, 11pm, dh casually mentions that one of the guys (who is a chauvinistic, pig-ignorant moron) 'will probably turn up with a sleeping bag expecting to stay here'. Dh, who is a generous, unflappable sort fails to see that this is totally unacceptable. We are not students, this is not a house share; this is a family home with a toddler who is a light sleeper. If someone is coming to stay, I need warning. I need to move all the washing racks from the spare room, wash the linen, tidy the house etc etc. I need to be mentally prepared, not have it sprung on me. Dh just says that moron friend 'won't mind linen with cat fur on' and fails to see that that is not the point. I've told him that if a) the toddler gets woken up; b) there is any vomit; or c) the cat escapes then the moron friend is out on his ear instantly. Dh clearly thinks I am being totally unreasonable. I'm just that this has been sprung on me like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rhubarbgarden · 09/12/2011 00:15

I've only met him twice so he may as well be a stranger actually. And he's equally unpleasant sober - probably more actually. It would be the whole weekend because if he hasn't booked anywhere to stay for tomorrow night, he won't have done so for the rest of the weekend either.

Worra I would have done that too ten years ago. But life is different now.

OP posts:

teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

candytuft63 · 09/12/2011 00:19

two nights then ? a brunch and banquet for two from the chinese.
the shreiking toddler is worth a go ... wont wake him up but good for aggravation for you. he will sleep on like an exhausted puppy.
can you tell that i have been there before ? !
sorry for puntuation fuckin laptop

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 00:21

Worra, I didn't say he was a stranger,, I said, drunken person, maybe not a stranger, but drunken nonetheless

What's wrong with being drunk after a stag do?

tottiesfortea · 09/12/2011 00:22

I don't see what's shocking about it. Everyone has different ideals about what they will accept and won't. OP isn't happy about this particular person staying, that's her choice, and in her position I would be the same.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 00:23

Worra I would have done that too ten years ago. But life is different now

So you would have made up a bed for him ten years ago

Why not now? I don't get it?

Why is life so different you can't accept your DH's friend sleeping over after a night out?

ViviPrudolf · 09/12/2011 00:25

You never said you were pregnant either. This is totally not even open for discussion. Tell your DH that under no uncertain terms is this person staying at your house this weekend.

My guest room is chocka with fully laden clothes horses, unwrapped Christmas presents and the sheets need washing. The prospect of a houseguest of any description arriving tomorrow is too stressful for words. Even worse the thought of a smelly, hungover, rude man loafing about the house on and off ALL weekend is actually staring to make my throat constrict. And I'm not even pregnant.

tottiesfortea · 09/12/2011 00:27

Worra, are you on this thread just to pick at posts?? Seems like every time some one posts you feel the need to argue against it, I may be wrong, but thats how it seems.

ViviPrudolf · 09/12/2011 00:28

For me it's the 2 nights that take this from acceptable to not-so. He would effectively be using her home as his crash pad for the whole weekend. Urgh. No way.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 00:31

You 'may be wrong' tottie?

Err yes you are wrong.

I'm here to take part in a discussion if that's ok with you?

Or does taking part in a discussion mean holding the same view as the OP in your world?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 09/12/2011 00:34

What Vivi said.

Tbh my DH wouldn't invite someone to come and stay under those circumstances. In fact in this situation he would already have told his mate that there wouldn't be a bed for him.

tottiesfortea · 09/12/2011 00:35

No Worra, thats not it at all. Yes a discussion is about different opinions, and its about listening to others, not pulling apart their opinions.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 00:38

totties I have no idea who you are or what your problem is, but how about you wind your neck in and concentrate on how you wish to conduct your posting and leave everyone else to theirs?

Or shall we re-name MN 'tottiesforum'?

ronx · 09/12/2011 00:42

Yabu. It's Christmas. This man is looking for a sofa to sleep on, not a suite at the Ritz.

ViviPrudolf · 09/12/2011 00:43

As a bystander, I just view Worra reinforcing an alternative opinion. It differs from my own PoV on the OPs problem, but I don't recognise any deliberate contrariness for the sake of it in anything she has said

tottiesfortea · 09/12/2011 00:44

I have no problem worra, seems to me that you might eh? I expressed an opinion, you expressed yours, they differ, which is usually how things work. but it seems you can express yours, but I can't. I think you should be looking at how YOU conduct yourself, before you start attending to other folks. I may be a relative newbie on mumsnet, but please don't take me for a fool.

ViviPrudolf · 09/12/2011 00:46

And on that note.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 00:47

Thank you Vivi that's about it in a nutshell

I expressed an opinion, you expressed yours, they differ, which is usually how things work

tottie I could have typed that myself...that's how discussion forums tend to work.

I don't have a problem. If I did you can rest assured you would have known about it by now

aldiwhore · 09/12/2011 04:06

Its things like this that make us realise that maybe we're a little too stuck in our 'silly' ways.

Surrender to the idea of being a good host, not the host you want to be, but the host that makes a guest feel welcome. Don't compromise your child's needs obviously, but this isn't your mother/friend/school yard alpha mum inspector coming round, this is a person who isn't coming to visit 'your life' but simply crash at your house.

No you're not a student now, but every now and again it doesn't hurt to care as little as you did then about houseguests.

YANBU, but of course, you are.

aldiwhore · 09/12/2011 04:10

Unless of course the whole idea makes your teeth itch, it which case, say no.

You're probably not being reasonable, but you'd then get your own way.

I'm not being difficult, I throw hissy fits if anyone interupts my kitchen Nigella fantasy, even if IABU, its my kitchen and I'm cooking.

Kiwiinkits · 09/12/2011 04:15

I think YAB a little U. Try to think hospitable thoughts. The house doesn't have to be 'the Ritz' (as stated above), and it's your husband's friend, so if he thinks the spare room should be tidied or a mattress left out he can organise it before he goes out.
Men honestly don't give a shit about crashing in hovels. Why should you?

metalelephant · 09/12/2011 04:20

But why should the OP be a good host?

She doesn't like him, she didn't invite him, it was announced to her that he's coming and he's staying for the weekend! She's pregnant, will be doing the tidying up and probably will be expected to cook.

You can still say no. Or , if you feel particularly In the spirit of Christmas, tell your DP that his friend can crash for one night but he has to leave the next morning and find a different place to sleep next. And you're not making him breakfast!

metalelephant · 09/12/2011 04:25

I totally agree on the untidy house=no invitation thing. If friends are coming round I don't like the house to be a mess, not because anybody thinks I'm a domestic goddess and the illusion will be shuttered but because I can gently ignore it when there's only us, but it gets more hectic with more people around somehow. Plus, more guests means more work, more clearing up, more plates to wash. All that is fine if it's people you're fond of but not a sexist idiot that you dislike. It's not the 50s anymore!

MrsMuddyPuddles · 09/12/2011 06:57

Everyone saying it's his house too seem to be missing the point that it's the OPs house as well. It is not unusual for house guest rules to be set by the most cautious person (eg, I'd have anyone over, DH wants to know them first and even then has veto power ).

Original poster

Rhubarbgarden · 09/12/2011 08:21

I'm glad some of you agree with me - I was starting to feel like an inhospitable drama queen. Whoever said that if it was a proper visit it would be different is correct. In that case, he would be here to see us, and even though I don't like him I would button it and make him welcome as my husband's friend etc etc. But I resent someone assuming he can turn up unannounced and treat my home like a hotel. I wouldn't dream of doing that to someone else. Vivipru your post hits the nail on the head.

OP posts:

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