... to resent having to host my step family for Christmas day every year?

[bradbourne]

By step family, I mean my mum, stepdad, step brother and two step sisters.

Brief background: mother remarried about 25 years ago, when I was sixteen. I moved with her from one end of the country to the other, leaving my friends behind in the process. Followed by two very unhappy years feeling very unwelcome in my new "home" doing A-levels, living with 3 new step-siblings who made it pretty clear they didn't want me around (the feeling was, however, mutual. I didn't want to be there, either!).

As the years passed, my relationship with step-family gradually improved a bit. I don't tend to see my step-siblings from one year's end to the next, but we get on okay when we do see each other. And I actually find it easier to get on with my step-dad than with my mum these days - he's mellowed as he's got older, wheras my mother has got steadily bitterer and more morose as she has aged.

Amyway, my gripe is that I am always expected to host Christmas for my step family each and every year. Step brother has recently divorced and is on his own in a small flat, so can't realistically be expected to host. One step sister lived in NZ so is never around at Christmas, but the other lives alone in a decent sized home just over an hour's drive away. However, since she is single, she is never expected to "host".

My mum has just left a message on my phone complaining that she doesn't know what to do on Christmas day because: "You haven't told me your plans". In her own words, she is "frantic". The thing is, there's a reason I haven't "told her my plans" - I don't want any of them over for Christmas!

My step siblings aren't horrible people, but they are virtual strangers. The only time I ever see them is at Christmas. They meet up with each other from time to time, but I have never yet been invited. My mum and step-dad will be staying with ss1 over Christmas (they don't live nearby). If I don't invite the whole "family" over for Chrlstmas, then ss1 has already said she will be happy to do Christmas lunch for everyone except my family (i.e me, dh and children).

Oh g*d, I wonder if anyone is still reading this far? Am I really being unreasonable not wanting to invite my stepfamily, yet again, for Christmas? If I don't, I know my mum will be very disappointed not to see my children on Christmas day (she won't get to see the other set of grandchildren, because they will be with step-brother's ex-wife). And yet, if I do invite them, I know I'll feel a seething mass of resentment that I will feel I have been emotionally blackmailed into doing so (again), so my mum can continue with her little fantasy that we are all one happy little family.

Please, someone, help me get some perspective on this. Dh doesn't even see what the problem is since he thinks my step-siblings are all pleasant enough and it's only fair that my mum should want to see her grandchilden that day....
Yet I think... bloody hell, I'm 41 now, and I still don't get to choose who I spend Christmas with!

why can't your mum and step dad host christmas? I don't think you need to do it every year - jsut say you are spending it with your family, invite your mum and partner if you want to, and leave the other adults to sort themselves out.

Just say NO.

You're not doing a big christmas this year (god you deserve time off for good bevaiour) what's the worst that can happen your mum witll have a strop and throw her toys out of the pram....

Your mum is dictacting the christmas of the whole family (the step's may rather like a smaller more grown up christmas especially if none of them have children with them this year).

Take the bull by the horns and deal with it. If she really wanted to you mum and step dad could visit for and hour christmas day eve if they really wanted too without the whole entourage.

YADNBU

Just say "Why? It isn't my turn again this year". Then either do your own thing or join in with what someone else arranges.

YANBU whatsoever.

"ss1 has already said she will be happy to do Christmas lunch for everyone except my family (i.e me, dh and children)."

From everything you've said, I think THIS is by far the most outrageous aspect. Is this the SS who is single so is never expected to host? So even thought you've hosted her for years, she can't return the courtesy? How can your Mum perpetuate the happy family fantasy if she is privvy to this potential exclusion of you and your DH/Cs?

This alone would be enough to decide for me that I most definitely would NOT be inviting them all for Christmas.

There is a reason I live 4 hours away from all my family!!!! Ok tell mum that you would like a quiet Xmas day just you and dh and kids, but perhaps could do something boxing day??? I think Xmas is nice just with the kids and no one else to worry about!

Tell her you are having a quiet Christmas Day this year. Everyone is allowed a change.

I missed that bit Vivi, . Absolutely nip this in the bud.

I'm a stickler for the nitty gritty, Nink...

I'd personally 'do' this years and declare that it's the last one that you are hosting for everybody.

You are a adult now bradbourne,don't allow for toxic behaviour.

Why can't your mum and step dad host. I would tell her oh I thought that mabey this year it would be nice to go to yours for a change. Or if not, tell them you are going away for Christmas, you don't have to host people you are not comfortable with.

I think it is telling that if you don't host, your step sister will host for everyone except your family. So why should you put yourself out for your step family if they don't do the same for you? Just say you are having a quiet one this year, but that they can come over on boxing day.

You have the right to your own life, and the right to have a happy one! That does not mean always putting everyone else's feelings above your own, especially when they are being unreasonable.

Can't believe your ss will come to yours whenever you are hosting but won't invite you and your family when it's her turn! How rude! I think tell your Mum 'We're not having a big Xmas this year, we're going to just spend it together, but would you and stepdad like to come and see the kids on Xmas Eve/Boxing Day?' and then do an informal buffet thing to which stepsiblings aren't invited. YADNBU

Blimy vivi I did'nt notice that, is rude. Noway would I host people that I hardly know, and who will not invite us back. Tell your mum, that she should host it, and every Christmas tell them you are going away or to your IL or something.

Let your SSister host for her family, and you do your own thing.

Agree with everyone suggesting inviting your Mum & SDad on Boxing day. Be calm, firm, and do not get into any discussions about it.

Just think yourself lucky you've not already committed yourself like so many other Xmas AIBUs on here. Its not too late for you sister... RUN! BE FREE!

Good idea becstar just ask your mum and stepdad on Christmas eve or boxing day to pop over for lunch or buffet.

My thoughts were put beautifully by Vivi. They're not treating you with reciprocal respect. Have a lovely family Christmas or invite some friends or some of DH's family or just do what you want. Tell your Mum she and your step dad are welcome to come over for a drink in the morning and see the kids if they want but you're not hosting everyone (again).

Mum and step-dad can't realistically host Christmas because they live a six-hour drive away from everyone else. They are staying at step-sisters house for a few days over Christmas.

Thanks for all responses so far, it is very helpful. Keep them coming, I say.

OK just say that you are having a quiet one and why don't they go over to step sister as she has offered to host, and come to yours on Boxing day, Christmas Eve. Why should you host out of convenience to them!

just let them all have their christmas and you do what you want. I too missed the outrageousness of your family not being welcome at your step sisters. I'd tell everyone they go there and you will make your own plans.

You have our advice, the ball is in your court, you need to be firm and assertive!

If your ss is unwilling to reciprocally host your family I think you are perfectly reasonable to leave them to it. Actually, I think you ate more than reasonable not to host at all- but the fact that she is happy to exclude you makes it much much simpler.

Given that your mum will be an
Hour away, there is no reason why she can't drop over for an hour, or on xmas eve/ boxing day.

Be strong.

That treatment would make me more angry and give me more reason not to host them all on Christmas day or any day tbh. The worse that can happen is that your mum throws a wobbly, what another poster has said, so what who cares, you are not a doormat.