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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to resent having to host my step family for Christmas day every year?

73 replies

bradbourne · 08/12/2011 13:42

By step family, I mean my mum, stepdad, step brother and two step sisters.

Brief background: mother remarried about 25 years ago, when I was sixteen. I moved with her from one end of the country to the other, leaving my friends behind in the process. Followed by two very unhappy years feeling very unwelcome in my new "home" doing A-levels, living with 3 new step-siblings who made it pretty clear they didn't want me around (the feeling was, however, mutual. I didn't want to be there, either!).

As the years passed, my relationship with step-family gradually improved a bit. I don't tend to see my step-siblings from one year's end to the next, but we get on okay when we do see each other. And I actually find it easier to get on with my step-dad than with my mum these days - he's mellowed as he's got older, wheras my mother has got steadily bitterer and more morose as she has aged.

Amyway, my gripe is that I am always expected to host Christmas for my step family each and every year. Step brother has recently divorced and is on his own in a small flat, so can't realistically be expected to host. One step sister lived in NZ so is never around at Christmas, but the other lives alone in a decent sized home just over an hour's drive away. However, since she is single, she is never expected to "host".

My mum has just left a message on my phone complaining that she doesn't know what to do on Christmas day because: "You haven't told me your plans". In her own words, she is "frantic". The thing is, there's a reason I haven't "told her my plans" - I don't want any of them over for Christmas!

My step siblings aren't horrible people, but they are virtual strangers. The only time I ever see them is at Christmas. They meet up with each other from time to time, but I have never yet been invited. My mum and step-dad will be staying with ss1 over Christmas (they don't live nearby). If I don't invite the whole "family" over for Chrlstmas, then ss1 has already said she will be happy to do Christmas lunch for everyone except my family (i.e me, dh and children).

Oh g*d, I wonder if anyone is still reading this far? Am I really being unreasonable not wanting to invite my stepfamily, yet again, for Christmas? If I don't, I know my mum will be very disappointed not to see my children on Christmas day (she won't get to see the other set of grandchildren, because they will be with step-brother's ex-wife). And yet, if I do invite them, I know I'll feel a seething mass of resentment that I will feel I have been emotionally blackmailed into doing so (again), so my mum can continue with her little fantasy that we are all one happy little family.

Please, someone, help me get some perspective on this. Dh doesn't even see what the problem is since he thinks my step-siblings are all pleasant enough and it's only fair that my mum should want to see her grandchilden that day....
Yet I think... bloody hell, I'm 41 now, and I still don't get to choose who I spend Christmas with!

OP posts:

ViviPrudolf · 08/12/2011 15:00

Arf @ bum-slap dance

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 08/12/2011 15:06

Does she actually say she won't have you? Or is it that if she isn't invited to yours, she will cook a meal, including for your parents as they are they, but won't invite guests?

I think I would ring her and suggest you start turntaking- you'll do this year, as if she's already thinking she'll be at yours it is rather short notice to cobble together a party, and next year can you come to her?

She might be assuming that if you haven't invited them round, it's because YOU want a christmas with just your family.

dublinmom · 08/12/2011 15:09

I agree with the idea of you having a quiet Christmas with your family, and let your mum and dad come over sometime.

But...WHY is your SS saying she wouldn't host everyone? Is it really as bitchy as it seems? Or does she think you wouldn't want to go to hers/not feel comfortable with small kids (you didn't say how old yours were?)/not feel able to do all the cooking? Maybe you could help by bringing some food. It might just be she hasn;t thought of inviting you (thoughtless, but people are sometimes).

Or she could just be selfish.

olgaga · 08/12/2011 15:21

OP, fair enough, I get where you're coming from. It does rather sound like you've had enough, and I tend to agree with what girlywhirly says, your mum can make the effort to come on Xmas day or any other day over the period - that way the celebrations/present opening can be extended a bit for the children, which is also nice.

Good luck whatever you end up doing.

porcamiseria · 08/12/2011 15:27

yanbu

sorry Mum, we are not hosting this year, happy to come to you.

rookiemater · 08/12/2011 15:28

I see you have already made your decision, but really in a way SSs announcement that she will not cater for you ( btw who told you this?) makes it easy for you.

I would have no qualms about inviting your mum and stepfather for the day and them only on the basis that you don't want to keep on making christmas dinner for someone who is not prepared to reciprocate.

porcamiseria · 08/12/2011 15:29

and why is SS such a bitch?????

HecklerNotKoch · 08/12/2011 15:31

why didnt you just say in July - folks we wont be doing the christmas lunch this year. I think its pretty off just not to say anything, if you have done it for the last few years. Of course people will assume its all the same as usual as you didnt say otherwise.

Bonsoir · 08/12/2011 15:37

Why don't you jump at the chance of letting your stepsister host Christmas, excluding you and your family, and then next year you can invite your mother and her husband without your step-siblings?

scaryteacher · 08/12/2011 15:59

'Of course people will assume its all the same as usual as you didnt say otherwise' Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups imo.

Original poster

bradbourne · 08/12/2011 16:06

"why didnt you just say in July "

because I, quite literally, don't see them from one Christmas to the next and
because I have always felt too cowardly to just say no. I don't start thinking about Christmas as early as July - but by September I am getting stresssed about it, wondering whether this is the year I will finally find the courage to say no. (I fully expect my mum to start crying down the phone when I tell her that we're having a small, quiet Christmas this year. And not just that - she will have no hesitation in telling me just how upset she is for at least the next six months, possibly longer. Think I exaggerate? I wish.)

With regard to ss1:
what she has said is "if bradbourne isn't going to invite us for Christmas this year, then parents and sb can come to me instead". So we are not specifically excluded - but nor are we invited.

OP posts:

Tuppence2 · 08/12/2011 16:08

Has anyone said why your SS will not include your family?
I think this is ridiculous, as she is happy to come and lap up your hospitality year after year, but you're not welcomed at her house?
If I were you, I would visit on Xmas morning, and have Xmas lunch with you DH and kids at home. If they aren't willing to take a share of the hosting, they can sort themselves out!

LydiaWickham · 08/12/2011 16:19

Just seen your last message, doesn't sound like your SS is leaving you out, more she'll do Christmas if you're doing your own thing, but if you're not then she'd rather not be hosting. That's rather different to "I'm throwing a party and my Step sister and family aren't invited."

Get it done today, don't drag it out, then StepSister still has time to get herself organised.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 08/12/2011 16:59

Right, firstly 2.5 weeks notice is plenty. From what I could see today, Tescos is still nicely stocked up with mince pies, turkeys, veg and alcohol.

I would tell your mother that you'll go with everyone else to SS this year as you feel you've done your share. When everyone goes "oops, you weren't invited there" I would say thank you for returning the favour of many years. In that case we'll have a nice, quiet Christmas ourselves, now fuck off and thanks for nothing

girlywhirly · 08/12/2011 17:07

I think that so many extended families attach an unrealistic expectation to Christmas day, making it far too stressful when their members aren't close or simply don't get on. For this reason alone having Christmas day without them is so much better, because people don't feel so emotional about the other days over the Christmas period. Then they tend to be more relaxed because it isn't 'the day' which is supposed to heal rifts and everyone loves each other, as brads mum seems to think.

ViviPrudolf · 08/12/2011 17:08

In light of your latest post, OP, your step sister sounds like manna from heaven.

Find the most discrete and courteous way to bow out of hosting this year with your conscience assuaged by the fact that your Mum & Sfamily will be enjoying a family Christmas together, regardless of the strop your mum will invariably have in the first instance. That is the only real hurdle here.

Original poster

bradbourne · 09/12/2011 11:20

Quick update:

phoned up my mum with shaking hands and suggested she comes around on 27th December so we can have a quiet family Christmas and.....

.... she didn't take it too badly at all. Phew!

Thanks to all who responded. I've followed your advice and it feels like a big weight off my mind. Thanks.

OP posts:

oranges · 09/12/2011 11:21

well done! I wonder if your step-family felt they had to come to yours to keep your mum happy, and they are quite pleased to have a smaller christmas too. Now have a lovely day with your family.
x

pigletmania · 09/12/2011 12:26

Fantastic bradbourne

CocktailQueen · 09/12/2011 12:40

Just say you'd like a family day this year and ask your mum and stepdad to come and visit on boxing day.

CocktailQueen · 09/12/2011 12:40

Didn't read your update! Yay :)

rookiemater · 09/12/2011 12:59

Great news. In a way SS has done you a favour by paving the way for future christmases after all a precedent has been set whereby stepsiblings do not automatically get invited on the day.
Enjoy your christmas.

olgaga · 09/12/2011 20:55

Gawd isn't Xmas awful/aren't families awful. Sigh...

Pleased you're sorted OP.

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