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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to resent having to host my step family for Christmas day every year?

73 replies

bradbourne · 08/12/2011 13:42

By step family, I mean my mum, stepdad, step brother and two step sisters.

Brief background: mother remarried about 25 years ago, when I was sixteen. I moved with her from one end of the country to the other, leaving my friends behind in the process. Followed by two very unhappy years feeling very unwelcome in my new "home" doing A-levels, living with 3 new step-siblings who made it pretty clear they didn't want me around (the feeling was, however, mutual. I didn't want to be there, either!).

As the years passed, my relationship with step-family gradually improved a bit. I don't tend to see my step-siblings from one year's end to the next, but we get on okay when we do see each other. And I actually find it easier to get on with my step-dad than with my mum these days - he's mellowed as he's got older, wheras my mother has got steadily bitterer and more morose as she has aged.

Amyway, my gripe is that I am always expected to host Christmas for my step family each and every year. Step brother has recently divorced and is on his own in a small flat, so can't realistically be expected to host. One step sister lived in NZ so is never around at Christmas, but the other lives alone in a decent sized home just over an hour's drive away. However, since she is single, she is never expected to "host".

My mum has just left a message on my phone complaining that she doesn't know what to do on Christmas day because: "You haven't told me your plans". In her own words, she is "frantic". The thing is, there's a reason I haven't "told her my plans" - I don't want any of them over for Christmas!

My step siblings aren't horrible people, but they are virtual strangers. The only time I ever see them is at Christmas. They meet up with each other from time to time, but I have never yet been invited. My mum and step-dad will be staying with ss1 over Christmas (they don't live nearby). If I don't invite the whole "family" over for Chrlstmas, then ss1 has already said she will be happy to do Christmas lunch for everyone except my family (i.e me, dh and children).

Oh g*d, I wonder if anyone is still reading this far? Am I really being unreasonable not wanting to invite my stepfamily, yet again, for Christmas? If I don't, I know my mum will be very disappointed not to see my children on Christmas day (she won't get to see the other set of grandchildren, because they will be with step-brother's ex-wife). And yet, if I do invite them, I know I'll feel a seething mass of resentment that I will feel I have been emotionally blackmailed into doing so (again), so my mum can continue with her little fantasy that we are all one happy little family.

Please, someone, help me get some perspective on this. Dh doesn't even see what the problem is since he thinks my step-siblings are all pleasant enough and it's only fair that my mum should want to see her grandchilden that day....
Yet I think... bloody hell, I'm 41 now, and I still don't get to choose who I spend Christmas with!

OP posts:

poppercondria · 08/12/2011 14:08

You don't want to host them, and ss wouldn't have you and yours over to her house if she hosted.

This is a no-brainer. Say no, this year and every year.

Happy Christmas.

Eglu · 08/12/2011 14:10

Has ss said why she won't host you? That is pretty rude. Not that you want to go anyway I assume.

Stay at home with your own little family and enjoy your day.

pigletmania · 08/12/2011 14:11

cat she has not committed to anything, its not like she has said she will and then changed her mind at the 11th hour! There are shops, her SS can go get a turkey, potatoes etc, its 2.5 weeks away not 2 hours!

mumofthreekids · 08/12/2011 14:12

YANBU. It is not fair for SS to exclude your family after you have hosted her so many times - she is the one in the wrong.

Maryz · 08/12/2011 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bradbourne · 08/12/2011 14:12

My mum will throw a wobbly, I don't for one mnute doubt it, but I'm going to take your advice and say we'll be having a quiet Christmas this year.

As it happens, I may well invite the whole step family over on the Monday or Tuesday, the difference being that it will be on my terms , because I decided to do so and not because I feel emotionally blackmailed into doing so.
A big thanks to you all - it feels like a big weight off my mind. Now I just have to steel myself to deliver the happy news to my mother...

OP posts:

ViviPrudolf · 08/12/2011 14:14

YAY good for you OP.

Have a great Christmas

becstarsky · 08/12/2011 14:15

Oh let her throw a wobbly. The worst she can do is refuse to come over on Boxing Day... in which case you get an extra day to watch movies and eat leftovers in your PJs...

Original poster

bradbourne · 08/12/2011 14:15

Excellent point, Maryz. My children are, indeed, disappointed at not seeing their cousins on Christmas day - I can and will use that as part of the spin.

OP posts:

olgaga · 08/12/2011 14:16

I think the real problem here for you is that your DH doesn't see it's a problem:
"he thinks my step-siblings are all pleasant enough and it's only fair that my mum should want to see her grandchilden that day...."

So if you insist on not hosting on Xmas Day, will it cause problems between the two of you? When will your kids see their grandparents if you don't do it?

"bloody hell, I'm 41 now, and I still don't get to choose who I spend Christmas with!"

I don't either, and I'm older than you! But we don't get to choose our families...

pigletmania · 08/12/2011 14:16

So what op, how old is she 3! . Let her! You are not her doormat, they are not really your family who you are close to. They don't care for you! Break the cycle or they will continue to take advantage. Invite your mum and step dad another time, but you are not obliged to have your step family over, especially as they would not do the same for you, and you are not close to them.

pigletmania · 08/12/2011 14:18

Christmas day is not the only time that you can see your mum. You are not saying that they cannot come, only you don't want to be a doormat and host step family who don't give a shit.

Maryz · 08/12/2011 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bradbourne · 08/12/2011 14:27

olgaga - I think my dh simply doesn't "get" a lot of emotional stuff. He's what I think of as a "ronseal" sort of man - only sees what's on the packet, as it were. So he will reason that my step family seem pleasant enough when he sees them... so why am I still churned up inside about things that happened years ago? Christmas is just one day in the year - so why make a big deal about it?
(I found this part of him quite attractive at first after a very turbulent relationship with a tortured-poet type. But that's a whole different post).

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 08/12/2011 14:31

I'm with everyone else, SS1 has given you the perfect excuse not to invite her family for Christmas now and in the future. Frankly I think you will enjoy yourselves much more apart. It is extremely unreasonable to expect the same person/family to host all the time, you deserve a nice leisurely Christmas pleasing yourselves.

I think your mum and her DH can decide for themselves whether to come and see their DGC and you, whenever you choose to invite them over. Let them do the running around for once! She can't have it all her own way seeing them every Christmas day.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 08/12/2011 14:42

So SS1 will happily host if it doesn't include inviting YOU?! Is that the same SS1 who comes to yours if you host?

I think I would stop making the effor with them as it sounds like they don't with you. Say you want a smaller Christmas with your little family, it's a shame your mum won't be able to see the dcs on Christmas day but you are not prepared to host Christmas AGAIN. Point out that no one ever hosts for you or include you in the family plans so you don't see why you should include them.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 08/12/2011 14:44

Sorry didn't see you'd already made a decision.

mathanxiety · 08/12/2011 14:48

Glad you have made the decision. I agree that mentioning the children all getting together will take a lot of the potential for recrimination out of the situation. However, your mum may end up disappointing you again here and I hope that won't hurt too much. Throw yourself into preparing for a nice family Christmas with your own nearest and dearest and tell your DH exactly how you are feeling and that you would like him to take what you say at face value.

Does DH have a family? What are their plans for Christmas?

mathanxiety · 08/12/2011 14:51

I also think the cousins angle will allow your mum to save face. It seems to me she has done a lot of compromising over the years in order to become part of the DH's family and thrown you under the bus. I doubt if she would be willing to come right out and choose between you or them but the cousin aspect of the situation may help her put a different spin on it for the benefit of the people who are breathing down her neck (and making her feel so frantic).

Original poster

bradbourne · 08/12/2011 14:53

Please don't be sorry - I've really appreciated the advice you have all given.

In defence of ss1, she has always been very generous wth birthday/christmas presents for my children. She isn't a nasty person and is, herself, subjected to quite a lot of manipulation by my mother from what I can tell. But still.

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 08/12/2011 14:55

Your SS is a bitch.
No two ways about it.
She'll come to yours year after year but explicitly say she'll host everybody but you and yours? Tell her to do one.

Say to your mum that her and your SF are welcome to come over in the morning to open presents and have croissants, coffee etc.. and see the grandkids. They are free to stay if they wish for dinner, but that this year you don't intend to invite anybody else so the choice is theirs?

Unless of course you don't want any of them, then just invite mum and SF over for boxing day buffet, or on Christmas eve.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/12/2011 14:56

I think you should be honest with your mum - tell her that your step siblings, are not family to you and that they don't see you as family to them. Tell her that you are happy to see her and your step dad, but from now on (might as well get next Christmas covered too) you will not be hosting everyone.

At some point, you have to do what's right for you. If your mum has a hissy fit, then let her. It sounds like she has done very little to ensure your happiness over the years. A bit of blunt speaking would be good for you in the long run.

Original poster

bradbourne · 08/12/2011 14:57

We're seeing dh's family on Boxing day, which is what we normally do. We all take it in turns to do the hosting.

OP posts:

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny · 08/12/2011 14:57

Would it be inappropriate to mention the 'bum slap' dance and 'acorn throwing'. Might put them off.

DamnBamboo · 08/12/2011 14:58

Ihavewellies

Don't get me started.

I almost choked on wine and killed my computer laughing at the bum-slap dance thread.

Arf arf

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